missing him

it's bedtime and I am feeling lonely. my kids are sleeping in the room across the hall and my husband is sleeping 400 miles away. actually, he's probably playing tennis or volleyball or basketball 400 miles away. whatever he's doing right now, I'm missing him.

I've been in Utah for 4 days. we've had nonstop fun with my crazy family. Thirty out of my parents' 35 grandchildren are here to runAmuck. My boys haven't gone to sleep before midnight a single night and they are having THE time of their lives. I love (LOVE) hanging with my siblings and nieces and nephews too, but I usually end up going to sleep feeling sad. Sad that we don't live closer. Sad that my husband is never here for family gatherings. Sad that my kids are missing out on forming closer relationships with their cousins. Grateful to have such a loving family, but sad that we don't see them more often.

I feel torn between two worlds-- the one my family lives in and the one Aaron and I have created together. When I get to thinking about the life we've built, I know that my home is wherever he lives. We truly have become our own independent unit. Together we're enough. Going another week without him is going to be hard. The kids miss their Daddy too!

Tonight I was thinking back to our time on the beach in California. We walked out to see the sunset as a family and I remember thinking that life couldn't get any better. We played on the sand, the boys ran around us and the baby was squealing. The entire sky was pink and everything was just as it should be. I made Aaron stand there for a picture with the kids and he didn't even complain... which makes a great moment perfect.

I've also been thinking about last week, when we met Aaron for lunch. We picked him up at his office in the big van and drove to Cafe Rio. The boys were ALL over him during the meal. He took off his tie and was so kind and patient with the kids, not even blinking an eye when Luke spilled his drink on his lap. He inspires me to be a better parent.
After lunch, we went back to his office to drop him off. Aaron's at a bigger firm now and not very many attorneys in his office have children. None of them have five. When we pulled up in the big van and parked, Simon announced he was poopy. Without thinking twice, Aaron unbuckeled Simon and changed him RIGHT THERE on the floor of the van-- parked in front of his office doors... People were coming in and out of the building and there was my handsome husband, standing next to this ginormous van filled with kids, changing a poopy diaper. I sat there and watched him in awe. After he was finished, he looked over at me and smiled and said, "Why don't you bring the kids up?" I laughed and told him I was already embarrassed for him and we hadn't gotten out of the car yet. He grabbed the baby and held Simon's hand and took us up in the elevator to his office. I've met most of his co-workers, but they were shocked by our train of kids. Aaron took the time to introduce each of the boys by name and then proudly held Roma and showed off his baby girl. After we had made the rounds, he walked us all the way back to the car and helped me buckle the kids. I was getting choked up, walking out... and knew I had to snap a picture of this awesome Daddy and his little girl. Just looking at this picture brings back such emotion. This guy is really something else.
These pictures are also dear to my heart because they were taken before I could fix Aaron's hair. While cutting his hair, I got carried away talking (shocker!) and took the clippers WAY too high on the sides. I knew I messed up big time and I felt so bad... but all I could do was laugh because that's what I do. Aaron was mad for a second (mostly because I could not stop laughing) and wouldn't let me blend the top... which totally made his hair look like Jef Holm and not in a good way. After getting out of the shower and getting ready for work, I apologized and asked him if he was mad at me. He held my hand and said, "No. I don't care what anyone else thinks, I only care about how you feel." No joke. And that was that. He let me fix it a few days later and he looks as handsome as ever, if not more so. Crazy about this hard-working, hilarious, helpful husband of mine.

luckiest little sister

This little one of mine is so fortunate to have the brood of older brothers she has. They are so kind and loving to her. As I was going through my pictures tonight, I found some gems..

BENNY BOY - 10 years older
Ben is such a great babysitter. He is the official "diaper bag packer" and knows exactly what we need when we leave the house (and he's quick about throwing it all together!) He is a pro at putting Ro in her carseat and making bottles. He also knows how to change diapers and put her to bed when she's sleepy. Two or three different evenings, Daddy or I will ask where the baby is and Ben will say, "I could tell she was tired so I put her down for the night." He's an expert and apparently doesn't need to consult mom and dad when putting siblings to bed. (it's also happened with other kids :)

Ben is my #1 helper, especially when I need an extra pair of strong arms... she's a tub and when I am dealing with Simon, Ben is always willing to hold her. He's awesome and so silly with her. The other day, I forgot my stroller when at the library (big no-no! we get lots of books..) Poor Ben had to carry Romy ALL the way out to the car. He was such a sport and was making her giggle like crazy. I had to pull out my phone to snap a picture (while juggling a bunch of other things in my arms) but it was worth it. I love our shadows in this shot below. I wish you could see everything that I was holding!

LUKE- 8.5 years older

We all love to rush into the nursery in the morning because Ro is SO HAPPY and SO willing to go to anyone. Luke usually beats us to the punch and loves to hang with her in the wee hours, most often in his bed. I love this about him... and find it funny because he used to be the one who slept in the longest. Luke will get up, take her pj's off, change her diaper and play with her before anyone else gets up.
He also knows exactly how to make her happy= food. She loves herself a warm bottle in the morning. After she's well fed, she is the most loving baby ever! This picture below might be a little too graphic (inbreeding) but Ro loves to give kisses-- and sometimes she gets a bit aggressive. Truth be told, we all LOVE to be recipients of her open-mouthed wet ones, Luke included.
Luke is soft spoken and sweet. Roma will go to him anytime & any place because she knows she safe with him. He loves reading to her and cuddling with her and playing patty-cake. He also knows one of her favorite places to be is on his lap while he plays the keyboard. Need to snap a picture of that because it happens all the time..

ZACK- almost 6 years olderWe can all easily agree that Zack is Roma's favorite person in the family. No kidding, she would rather be with Zack than anyone else. Zack was the first to get a real giggle out of her and can make her squeal at the drop of the hat. Aaron and I think it's his high pitched voice, but it's probably his crazy antics as well. This afternoon, Ro was crying and Zack (whose shorts had a hole in them and were put in the garbage minutes earlier) went "bottoms-up" to keep her entertained. She spanked him for a good ten minutes and it was completely hilarious.
Zack carries Ro around everywhere and it's a little scary to watch. I swear, there is only a few pounds difference in their weight. It's not easy for him to lug her, but he does it ALL the time... even up and down the stairs. She never seems to mind. In fact, she loves that he RUNS to get her places (because he's almost about to drop her, she's so heavy!) There hasn't been an accident yet, but he probably won't be carrying her for long. If he doesn't start eating ASAP, she'll outweigh him soon.
Zack is always playing a game with Roma and she loves it. This particular Sunday he pulled her so fast and so hard that she had a rug-burn on her back. She didn't care one bit. I wish I had gotten it on video. Zack also loves to pull her around on towels and blankets. No wonder she loves him so!
I was only going to do a couple of pictures with each brother, but I can't help myself. These kisses happen all the time. She is so good at smashing her face up against ours. Zack had sense enough to give her his cheek :)
These two have really had something special since day one. in fact, it started before she was born. Zack was the MOST excited about the pregnancy. He wanted to go to each doctor appt and ultrasound. He was the only one there the first time we heard her heartbeat. I thought it was his age, but now I know there's something deeper with these two. Zack loves to tell people how much his sister loves him. Sometimes when he's not being nice to his brothers (Simon) I ask him to try to treat everyone the way he treats his sister. That always seems to soften him up... these two have something so special.

SIMON- almost 2 years older

Simon is not exactly "nice" to his little sister. He plays rough, always has. So when he is sweet, it melts my heart. In the picture above, he'd just woken up, kissed her and said (before his eyes were even open) "How'd you sleep, Baby Doll?" He CAN be very cute with her, but he doesn't always chose to be.

One day, while in the bath together, Roma hit Simon in the face with a hard giraffe toy. It was a real whack to his nose I thought he was going to get mad. Instead he laughed and laughed and laughed. He thought it was so funny that she was old enough to hurt him. In between his laughter he would say, "Mo Mo BIG!" (She wasn't intentionally doing anything, but I sure hope she learns how to fight back soon!)
Often, Simon will play round with Ro and I will tell him to stop and he will say, "But she likes it!" and she usually does. I've noticed that she's gotten used to the way he plays with her and actually seems to enjoy the interaction.

It's not easy having these two so close together in age, but I truly believe it's good for them. There's nothing like watching your babies interact with each other!
We love our baby girl... so much that we want another. No, we're not expecting but we're praying another sister wants to join our family in the next year or two. In public people always say to me, "You finally got your girl, are you done?" And I tell them that every girl needs a sister. Although with the amount of love this girl gets from her brothers, I think she would probably turn out okay with the siblings she has. We are all so crazy about our chubby Ro! (look at those knees!)

reflection

Sweet baby of mine,

You absolutely love yourself. You will play and sing and talk to your reflection for hours. You are so friendly and sweet. You are your own best friend.
Sooner or later, you will understand that the reflection you see is the person you are.. Although the person you ARE is so much more than what you see. Your beauty is breathtaking, but the soul that lives within is what matters most. Your spirit shines through your eyes and illuminates your being.
I suspect that as you grow, you will spend lots of time looking at this reflection. I hope that you will always see yourself with this same admiration and wonder. That you will look at yourself in the eyes and never be disappointed in what you see.
Your reflection and body will change, but you will always be beautiful. There is no one like you. You are a special, limited-edition... born with gifts and talents that are specific to you alone. You might get discouraged if your clothes don't fit or upset if your hair doesn't curl, but please don't be too hard on yourself.

You will probably compare yourself with others who have different strengths (and weaknesses) but you must remember that we are all wonderfully unique and we are trying to be the best version of ourselves. Give yourself- and others- the benefit of the doubt.
As you recognize your gifts and talents, don't be afraid to put them to good use! You were born with an inner strength and enthusiasm. Let your confidence shine and you will inspire others to do the same.
Surround yourself with people who appreciate you and build you up... people who love you for who you are and not what you look like. This is the foundation for true and lasting relationships.
Wherever you go, you will always be present! The relationship you have with yourself is the most important. Be gentle and kind and don't take yourself too seriously. You are not perfect, but you are perfect enough. You are enough.
You are splendid and brilliant and stunning and remarkable. You are beautiful, full of beauty, because you are you.

You inspire me to be better and to see my own reflection with unconditional love. I love you for who you are, for what I see in you and for the way I feel when we're together.

Always,

Mom

Happy Birthday, Benjamin!

eleven

Dear Ben,A couple of weeks ago, you turned eleven. ELEVEN! The day before your birthday, you said, "I can't believe my name isn't going to rhyme with my age anymore." You had a great time being ten and no one is shocked that you're a year older. You are mature and wise beyond your eleven years. You woke up super-duper early to open presents (6 am) we had a busy day planned and you were not about to waste a minute of your big day. Simon was not as excited as everyone else to roll out of bed :)
I had been asking you for weeks what you wanted for your birthday and you would respond, "I don't need anything. It would be fun just to spend the day together." Such a typical answer from my responsible boy. We ended up buying you a box fan, a red hoodie, a new scooter (because the one you got from Christmas was stolen) and some treats to take to the movies. You were so gracious about each of your gifts. You are not hard to please...
After present opening, we decorated bikes and went to the church parking lot for a parade and donuts You had a great time on your new scooter and looked so big!
Later that afternoon, we pulled out our Spiderman costumes and went to Carl's Jr for free sandwiches. These costumes were all yours at one time, but you've grown your own muscles and don't fit in them anymore. It's a good thing, really, because you hate wearing anything more than a tee shirt... you're always too hot!
The movie was "funnier than [you] expected" and we had a great time together as a family (just like you wanted!) Roma and I spent a good time sitting in the isle so she could play with the lights on the floor, but you boys loved every minute... especially the explosions, flying and fight scenes.
After the movie, we met friends at a neighbor's pool. We didn't take any pictures because minutes after we arrived, your best bud, Luke Staten, hit his head on the diving board while doing a backflip. He and his parents went to the ER to get stitches. We stayed with Olivia doing fireworks and then waited for them to get back before singing to you. We were outside in front of our house for about an hour before they arrived. You and your brothers had a great time playing in the street...
Roma was awake way past her bedtime and she was happy. She LOVES her big brother Benny! Simon was a party-pooper and excused himself around 11 PM to crash on the couch. What a wimp!

We were playing freeze tag in the street with glow sticks. You had a few strung together in a necklace around your head. Dad started throwing it like a frisbee and you would catch it around your head from hundreds of feet away. It was amazing to watch! I tried to catch it on film, but it was too dark, so I took pictures instead. You meant business!
We laughed about these shots that I captured. You caught it around your neck time and time again and we were all so impressed. (what a hidden talent!)
Love this face here-- and the body stance cracked me up. You timed it just perfectly... Watching you boys play this "game" was my favorite part of the day.
Zack caught the glow stick frisbee once around his neck-- with his tongue out :) We laughed so hard and cheered so loud!

The Statens arrived at our place late (but never too late for cake!) Fireworks were still going off everywhere and we still had a birthday boy to sing to! Luke ended up getting 4 stitches next to his eye. he's such a tough kid!
Our candles got lost somewhere between the pool and our house. These two candles made a funky 11 and you had no problem blowing them out. Later, I made you reveal your wish and you said, "To have another sister." You are just the cutest big brother ever.
Ben, you are everything I could ever wish for and more. You are silly and kind and respectful and honest. You are willing to do whatever I ask and most often have it DONE before I can ask you to do it. When you see that we're in a time crunch, or if I seem stressed, you follow me around and ask what you can do to help. It's so sweet and I am grateful everyday that you became mine eleven years ago. Here's to another great year... but, please, don't grow up too quickly.
Happy Birthday, Benny boy. I love being your mom!