not this cute anymore!
4/6
I woke up early to throw my boys karate uniforms in the washer before class this morning... To my surprise, I found them in the dryer already clean and ready to go! My cute 7 year old does his own laundry!!!!
4/15
Jane Harris--
Simon's prayer this morning at breakfast: "uhm Heavenly Father, I really love you, and I hope you can come to my birthday. Amen." Then a few minutes later when I asked him which job he would like to help with, he said "I really want to be the watcher."
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Friday, April 19, 2013
I left my heart in Calico Basin.
I posted the two previous posts without any proofreading. they are long and drawn-out and full of grammar errors. and I don't care, suckas! rambling and typos happen when you're sleep deprived (and have five kids and eight pets...) We just got home from hiking. it was a beautiful sunny day. We had 26 kids at forest school today (with 5 moms supervising.) I had personal reasons for canceling it that have nothing to do with the lack of sleep and everything to do with menstrual cramps, but I knew I would feel better going outside and enjoying the sun. And I was right. It felt so good to socialize, laugh, and get some exercise. I love the women in my life and the boys who have become my sons friends through this Friday tradition we've established. Calico Basin is on the list of my top ten favorite places in the world. It's not hard to understand why...
Last Friday we hiked to the waterfall in the Red Rock loop. It was a smaller group (meaning this time we only had 15 kids) but we were down to two moms. I carried Roma in a sling and she was furious about it. This girl does NOT want to be carried.. Throughout the 2 mile hike, she continuously screamed and hit me in the face. Simon kept telling me on the way back that he NEEDED to take a nap which officially means he was out of his mind tired. But it was a beautiful day and it felt so good to be outside. I want my children to have lots of lots of memories of exploring outdoors. Sometimes it's not easy to pack up and hike with a bazillion kids, but somewhere in my mind's eye, I hear them saying to their future children, "I went hiking every Friday when I was a little boy and I had the time of my life."
If they don't happen to ever say such a thing, I know there will come a day when I will tell my nursing home friends (after Aaron dies of course) "There was a time in my thirties when I took my kids hiking every Friday. The weather was breezy and the scenery was peaceful and my boys were full of energy. I remember this one hike where I had to carry my daughter because it was too hard for her to walk on her own. She was furious and hit me in the face the entire hike. It was exhausting, but being out there was such a treasured time in my life."
and that will be the truth. because it is.
If they don't happen to ever say such a thing, I know there will come a day when I will tell my nursing home friends (after Aaron dies of course) "There was a time in my thirties when I took my kids hiking every Friday. The weather was breezy and the scenery was peaceful and my boys were full of energy. I remember this one hike where I had to carry my daughter because it was too hard for her to walk on her own. She was furious and hit me in the face the entire hike. It was exhausting, but being out there was such a treasured time in my life."
and that will be the truth. because it is.
taking care of me
my husband worked through the night. he did not sleep a wink... and now he's back at the office. I am not sure why he does this to himself, but it screws up my night too. I went to bed around 3:30 and got up at 5:30 (to meditate and have what I call a "power hour" of reading spiritual messages and thinking..) the rest of my house is asleep and I should rest too, but we're going hiking in an hour for forest school.. That is going to be... interesting.
so, a HUGE part of why I've been struggling these past few months/years is because I haven't known exactly how to put myself on my priority list. I've been trying to do this for so long, but I never have the energy! So I built up stronger walls and eliminated more "extras" from my life in order to protect myself from spreading too thin, and what happened is I became more depressed and more drained... this because I've tried to keep my talents and energy to myself instead of spreading it to others (for it never was mine to begin with.) My recent awakenings have truly been energizing and get me out of bed in the morning, even with very little sleep..
I admire my husband so much because he puts himself on his own priority list and almost always does what he wants to do (needs to do in order to feel healthy and happy) before everything else. It sounds selfish of him, but it's this amazing balance he has. and he's not a selfish person, he's inspiring and balanced and makes me a better person being around him. He works hard (sometime staying up through the night) but he ALWAYS makes time for exercise. He plays in a tennis league and he wakes up at the crack of dawn to play basketball and he is strict about his nightly push ups and he never (ever) wastes time watching TV or doing things that don't bring him energy in his life. And it's admirable. I want to be more like him, but I also kind of resented him because I wanted that for myself but wasn't sure how to do it consistently or effectively.
I decided to make a list of things that brought me happiness and to do them more often. Watching the sun rise each morning was one of the things on that list and I have seen the energy that has come into my life as I have gotten up to greet it. The sun is warm and bright and powerful but it is also constantly giving. I connect with the sun each morning and come away feeling better about myself. I have always had a personal relationship with the Sun and realize that when I am not healthy, I am not waking up to greet it. This is something personal for me, a Truth that has always been a part of me, since I was a little girl. I always feel better watching the sun rise or set. and I need to find the time for it in my life, on a daily basis.
Another thing I wanted to add to my list was learn a musical instrument. My boys have an amazing piano teacher and I thought it would be important for me to take lessons from him too. But I wasn't really sure if that's what I wanted to do (afraid of spreading myself too thin) so I thought about it for weeks. I even told myself to start practicing the exercises I see my boys doing and discipline myself without having to pay for the lessons. I didn't mention anything to my husband or kids because I didn't want to be accountable :) but I figured if I started paying him, it would force me to do it, whether I wanted to or not.
Anyway, long story short, I thought about doing it for a while, and I finally told my husband about wanting to take lessons. It was over the phone on his lunch break because I think I didn't want to bring it up face to face because I was insecure about it. When I threw the idea out there, my husband's first response was, "How much more is that going to cost?" and immediately I took offense. I wanted him to say, "You should! You deserve that." but because he didn't. He asked how much money it would be (a reasonable question when he's paying for the bills) but I took it personally.. and I cried. We hung up shortly after and he texted me apologizing and I cried even more. And then I realized that what he said had nothing to do with me or my value. And that I need to stop asking him for permission to feel validated. Because I do feel worthy enough to pursue things that make me feel better about myself.
After that conversation, I made a appointment to cut and color my hair the way I've wanted it (but never wanted to spend the time or money because I don't need it.) I also went on a shopping spree-- (my husband had no idea that asking how much piano lessons would deplete his savings account so quickly...) I don't recommend this for most people especially if you have an addiction to spending money. I do NOT typically spend any money and never go shopping for myself, so it was allowed and it felt awesome. I bought myself practical (but expensive) items like prescription sunglasses and new makeup and a new mop to scrub my kitchen floor. Things I've wanted but didn't want to buy because I didn't need them.
And then I registered for a Power of Moms retreat and emailed my friends and sisters about a girls getaway. And I started a new Learning Circle with friends in my neighborhood-- a book club that is empowering and uplifting. And then I looked at my husband's work schedule and realized he had a business trip to Dallas-- and I decided to go with him. I bought a plane ticket before I had anyone to watch my kids. My parents are retired and could drive down to watch my kids, but before I even called them, I asked my friends.. and they were MORE than willing to stay at my house and allow me to get away for a couple of days. And then I got on a plane and left all my responsibilities at home and didn't think twice about it. I pampered myself in ways that I knew would bring me peace and joy and fulfillment-- and I am not about to stop anytime soon. Yes, this might seem selfish, but I've been unselfish for too long and it wasn't healthy.
I have yet to officially sign up for piano lessons. Not because my husband thinks it costs too much and not because I don't feel like I am worth it. But because I am wondering if it's something I really want to do.. I think I am still intimidated and not ready to commit or still afraid I will spread myself too thin. but I am slowly getting better about recognizing what brings me joy and trying to be better at taking care of myself. There is a fine balance and I might have tipped the scales the other way, but soon it will even out and hopefully I will recognize myself when the dust settles.. and I can be a better mom and wife because I am more connected with what brings me happiness and energy and then have more to give to those around me.
kids are awake-- we are leaving for hiking in ten minutes...
so, a HUGE part of why I've been struggling these past few months/years is because I haven't known exactly how to put myself on my priority list. I've been trying to do this for so long, but I never have the energy! So I built up stronger walls and eliminated more "extras" from my life in order to protect myself from spreading too thin, and what happened is I became more depressed and more drained... this because I've tried to keep my talents and energy to myself instead of spreading it to others (for it never was mine to begin with.) My recent awakenings have truly been energizing and get me out of bed in the morning, even with very little sleep..
I admire my husband so much because he puts himself on his own priority list and almost always does what he wants to do (needs to do in order to feel healthy and happy) before everything else. It sounds selfish of him, but it's this amazing balance he has. and he's not a selfish person, he's inspiring and balanced and makes me a better person being around him. He works hard (sometime staying up through the night) but he ALWAYS makes time for exercise. He plays in a tennis league and he wakes up at the crack of dawn to play basketball and he is strict about his nightly push ups and he never (ever) wastes time watching TV or doing things that don't bring him energy in his life. And it's admirable. I want to be more like him, but I also kind of resented him because I wanted that for myself but wasn't sure how to do it consistently or effectively.
I decided to make a list of things that brought me happiness and to do them more often. Watching the sun rise each morning was one of the things on that list and I have seen the energy that has come into my life as I have gotten up to greet it. The sun is warm and bright and powerful but it is also constantly giving. I connect with the sun each morning and come away feeling better about myself. I have always had a personal relationship with the Sun and realize that when I am not healthy, I am not waking up to greet it. This is something personal for me, a Truth that has always been a part of me, since I was a little girl. I always feel better watching the sun rise or set. and I need to find the time for it in my life, on a daily basis.
Another thing I wanted to add to my list was learn a musical instrument. My boys have an amazing piano teacher and I thought it would be important for me to take lessons from him too. But I wasn't really sure if that's what I wanted to do (afraid of spreading myself too thin) so I thought about it for weeks. I even told myself to start practicing the exercises I see my boys doing and discipline myself without having to pay for the lessons. I didn't mention anything to my husband or kids because I didn't want to be accountable :) but I figured if I started paying him, it would force me to do it, whether I wanted to or not.
Anyway, long story short, I thought about doing it for a while, and I finally told my husband about wanting to take lessons. It was over the phone on his lunch break because I think I didn't want to bring it up face to face because I was insecure about it. When I threw the idea out there, my husband's first response was, "How much more is that going to cost?" and immediately I took offense. I wanted him to say, "You should! You deserve that." but because he didn't. He asked how much money it would be (a reasonable question when he's paying for the bills) but I took it personally.. and I cried. We hung up shortly after and he texted me apologizing and I cried even more. And then I realized that what he said had nothing to do with me or my value. And that I need to stop asking him for permission to feel validated. Because I do feel worthy enough to pursue things that make me feel better about myself.
After that conversation, I made a appointment to cut and color my hair the way I've wanted it (but never wanted to spend the time or money because I don't need it.) I also went on a shopping spree-- (my husband had no idea that asking how much piano lessons would deplete his savings account so quickly...) I don't recommend this for most people especially if you have an addiction to spending money. I do NOT typically spend any money and never go shopping for myself, so it was allowed and it felt awesome. I bought myself practical (but expensive) items like prescription sunglasses and new makeup and a new mop to scrub my kitchen floor. Things I've wanted but didn't want to buy because I didn't need them.
And then I registered for a Power of Moms retreat and emailed my friends and sisters about a girls getaway. And I started a new Learning Circle with friends in my neighborhood-- a book club that is empowering and uplifting. And then I looked at my husband's work schedule and realized he had a business trip to Dallas-- and I decided to go with him. I bought a plane ticket before I had anyone to watch my kids. My parents are retired and could drive down to watch my kids, but before I even called them, I asked my friends.. and they were MORE than willing to stay at my house and allow me to get away for a couple of days. And then I got on a plane and left all my responsibilities at home and didn't think twice about it. I pampered myself in ways that I knew would bring me peace and joy and fulfillment-- and I am not about to stop anytime soon. Yes, this might seem selfish, but I've been unselfish for too long and it wasn't healthy.
I have yet to officially sign up for piano lessons. Not because my husband thinks it costs too much and not because I don't feel like I am worth it. But because I am wondering if it's something I really want to do.. I think I am still intimidated and not ready to commit or still afraid I will spread myself too thin. but I am slowly getting better about recognizing what brings me joy and trying to be better at taking care of myself. There is a fine balance and I might have tipped the scales the other way, but soon it will even out and hopefully I will recognize myself when the dust settles.. and I can be a better mom and wife because I am more connected with what brings me happiness and energy and then have more to give to those around me.
kids are awake-- we are leaving for hiking in ten minutes...
Love and Light
Hi.
So. it's 1 AM. and I really should go to sleep. But my husband is downstairs working at the kitchen table and I want to stay up. I had a late night doing church things (and having not so churchy conversations with my RS counselors about crazy men on tv who like to drink their wives breastmilk. for real.) I got home around 11 PM, realized my husband was going to be working for a while, decided to scrub my kitchen (and mop the floor around him, which I am sure didn't bother him at all.) and then finally retired to bed. and here I sit. Wondering what to do...
It's not that I haven't wanted to blog these last few weeks, and it's not that I have been too busy, although I have been quite busy. I have been thinking a lot about why I write. What it does for me and if it fills a void. I realized I like to process my thoughts while writing and recently I've decided to process my thoughts in other ways.. by meditation, mostly. It's been a great experience for me. When I feel the urge to write, I wonder what it is I am seeking. And then I search for it, through my thought process. I feel as though I've been able to fully ponder my thoughts-- and allow them to work through me and change me (hopefully for the better) and rather than feeling more connected to many of you who read my blog, I've become more centered and connected with myself. I hope, in the long run, this process of self-discovery will allow me to become a deeper, more meaningful writer and better friend. It might just be a phase I am going through. But I've seen a complete change and truly feel like a new woman.
This process has been happening for months, maybe even longer. But deep insights about myself have become clearer these past few weeks. One awakening I've had through NOT writing on my blog is understanding that I have a desire to connect with new friends, people I've never met before. Blogging and putting my thoughts out there for strangers and feeling connected to them in an authentic way has been such a pleasure for me. Over the years I've gotten random emails from strangers who've written to me, introducing themselves to me (and it's truly been one of the most rewarding things about my blog.) I absolutely love the idea of putting my thoughts out there and having random strangers connect to me in a way I couldn't reach them otherwise. It's a crazy thought, and one that drives my husband absolutely crazy because he does NOT want random strangers reading about intimate details of our lives, but it's truly one reason I write. Because I want to connect with strangers.. It's one reason why I want to have a best-selling book. Not to make lots of money (although I would love that too) but because the more popular the book becomes, the more strangers I would be able to connect to, on a deep-personal level.
Anyway, this is one idea I've been pondering lately. And instead of writing all of my personal deepest darkest secrets on my blog, I've been trying to process my desire to connect with strangers-- and it's been an amazing mini-miracle in my life. Instead of getting my "fix" on my blog, I've been reaching out in a very personal way to actual strangers I meet in public. One of these days I will write about what they've taught me, but the lessons are still being processed in my thoughts and mind. And there are too many to write about... I keep thinking I will forget about them if I don't write them down, but I know I will not forget, because I think about them often and process what they've taught me.
Through my personal meditation I've wondered WHAT it is about strangers that has me so fascinated. Knowing that I will never speak to this person again should make me feel less excited to connect with them. But as I've thought about this more and more, I realize I have major boundaries when it comes to letting people into my life. You won't believe this about me, but it's very true. I am actually very obsessive about letting people in. It's something I was surprised to learn about myself. It's a weakness I have. I am a snob when it comes to letting my walls down.. and letting people become vulnerable. This is why I love strangers so much. I know that I can connect with them, but I won't owe them anything when the day is over. They won't need me anymore... they won't be able to reach me even if they wanted to. And what I've come to understand about myself is I have a deep fear about too many people needing me. I will only let a handful of people need me-- my husband, my children and only a few select friends. I am even picky about my siblings. I put up walls to everyone else. Because if you need me and I can't physically help you, it will hurt me too much. I don't have enough time (or emotions or money or whatever) for all the problems in the world and I will physically feel sick about it, so instead, I don't allow people in. It's a very selfish thing I do.
So-- I'm trying to overcome it. Through my self-discovery, I've realized that blogging has been such an incredible outlet for me because I can write whatever the heck I want and people can choose to read it or not. Those who want to read it become the strangers I can connect with. But the selfish part of me writing is that I don't read other peoples blogs. I rarely read strangers blogs.. In Google reader (before it was canceled, which I just discovered yesterday) I have a handful of subscriptions. I read people I feel close to, but no one else. I don't have time to read, but mostly I don't want to give of my emotional energy. I just can't do it. And I also only (selfishly) want positive energy in my life. So if a blog doesn't have positive vibes coming from it, I won't read it. Unless you are a part of my close inner circle, then I want to read about the hardships because I have the emotional energy to accept and to love. This is why I love strangers so much and why I thrive off of deep, emotional conversations with them. Because in the moment I can reach out and love and accept, but if they were to ask me to help them beyond that moment, to become their best friend, I would truly want to, but know that I could never do it. There would not be enough hours in the day.
But I've had a breakthrough. I hope that I can change and let my walls down and widen my circle and become less selfish of my time and emotional energy. My calling in my church has forced me to do this. I have had to force myself into homes of friends and neighbors (very opposite of strangers) and talk to them about their problems, and then I have been forced to keep tabs on them, even forced to care about them. It's been one of the hardest, most emotionally draining things I've ever had to do. And then, when I was about to have an emotional breakdown, my prayers were answered and I realized that I have never been giving of myself, ever. Where Love is, there God is also. The Love that I have been sharing my entire existence has only been God's Love. And His supply is limitless. This realization has transformed me. It's truly changed my life. It's always been from God, but I thought it was me, as if I had to give a piece of myself in order to love someone else. But what I didn't realize is that I am just relaying Love that was never mine. I was blessed with a Gift. This wonderful and amazing Gift is the ability to love others. I see my ability to love as a Light. In the past, I thought it was mine, and I was possessive of it. But now I've come to realize that the Light and Love come from God (and His endless supply) and it is a Gift given to each and every single person on this earth. And that by sharing my Light (which was never mine to begin with) I am giving others a piece of God. And this is truly allowing them to see themselves for who they are (who they have always been) and it will not be my responsibility to keep them full. My job is only to brighten their day and love them for who they are. My Light is a candle and by lighting other candles who have burned out, my Light is not diminished, it only becomes brighter. I can walk away after they see their own Light and trust that they will, in turn, light other candles and together we can lift one another and light up the world.
And as I love others completely and fully, sharing my Light will become easier. What I didn't realize is that as I selfishly protected my Light (by hiding it under a bushel, which I totally do!) I felt less and less energy and became more tired and depressed. The more tired I became, the less I was willing to give of myself and the more depressed I became. I forgot how great it felt to share my Light with others. The more I share, the more energetic I become and the more Light I have to offer. This has been a huge awakening for me. It's still something I'm working at... it's a hard habit to break and I haven't quite let my walls down with my friends, but it's been so much easier to see the difference with my interactions with strangers. I see myself as a torch, going out into the world, trying to spread my Light. My very existence is to make others feel better about themselves... to see their own Light. If their Light is completely snuffed out and they can't see it, it's my job to share my Light with them. My goal every day is to help those I interact with see their own potential. This goal has made my own Light so much brighter. I realize I can love those around me and not lose a part of me, not become less of a person to my family, who so desperately needs me. As I spread my Light to others, I am more capable at home. I found my source of energy again... and I wake up early with so much excitement.
So, here I am, writing about it. If you can't tell, it's not a completely processed thought, but it feels good to write anyway. I truly believe every one of us have a purpose, and that purpose is to make others feel better about themselves. It's really hard to do because we feel insecure in our own ways for legitimate reasons (we ALL have faults.) But we are all so amazing and so capable and so loved. We have so much potential to do good-- to spread happiness and to uplift those we come in contact with. If you are reading this, I hope you feel God's love in your life. I hope you feel a Light within yourself because it's there, even if it's dim. As we love and serve each other, it will become brighter and give us more energy (and happiness) to love and serve more. This is our purpose-- to recognize our own Light and share it with others.
So. it's 1 AM. and I really should go to sleep. But my husband is downstairs working at the kitchen table and I want to stay up. I had a late night doing church things (and having not so churchy conversations with my RS counselors about crazy men on tv who like to drink their wives breastmilk. for real.) I got home around 11 PM, realized my husband was going to be working for a while, decided to scrub my kitchen (and mop the floor around him, which I am sure didn't bother him at all.) and then finally retired to bed. and here I sit. Wondering what to do...
It's not that I haven't wanted to blog these last few weeks, and it's not that I have been too busy, although I have been quite busy. I have been thinking a lot about why I write. What it does for me and if it fills a void. I realized I like to process my thoughts while writing and recently I've decided to process my thoughts in other ways.. by meditation, mostly. It's been a great experience for me. When I feel the urge to write, I wonder what it is I am seeking. And then I search for it, through my thought process. I feel as though I've been able to fully ponder my thoughts-- and allow them to work through me and change me (hopefully for the better) and rather than feeling more connected to many of you who read my blog, I've become more centered and connected with myself. I hope, in the long run, this process of self-discovery will allow me to become a deeper, more meaningful writer and better friend. It might just be a phase I am going through. But I've seen a complete change and truly feel like a new woman.
This process has been happening for months, maybe even longer. But deep insights about myself have become clearer these past few weeks. One awakening I've had through NOT writing on my blog is understanding that I have a desire to connect with new friends, people I've never met before. Blogging and putting my thoughts out there for strangers and feeling connected to them in an authentic way has been such a pleasure for me. Over the years I've gotten random emails from strangers who've written to me, introducing themselves to me (and it's truly been one of the most rewarding things about my blog.) I absolutely love the idea of putting my thoughts out there and having random strangers connect to me in a way I couldn't reach them otherwise. It's a crazy thought, and one that drives my husband absolutely crazy because he does NOT want random strangers reading about intimate details of our lives, but it's truly one reason I write. Because I want to connect with strangers.. It's one reason why I want to have a best-selling book. Not to make lots of money (although I would love that too) but because the more popular the book becomes, the more strangers I would be able to connect to, on a deep-personal level.
Anyway, this is one idea I've been pondering lately. And instead of writing all of my personal deepest darkest secrets on my blog, I've been trying to process my desire to connect with strangers-- and it's been an amazing mini-miracle in my life. Instead of getting my "fix" on my blog, I've been reaching out in a very personal way to actual strangers I meet in public. One of these days I will write about what they've taught me, but the lessons are still being processed in my thoughts and mind. And there are too many to write about... I keep thinking I will forget about them if I don't write them down, but I know I will not forget, because I think about them often and process what they've taught me.
Through my personal meditation I've wondered WHAT it is about strangers that has me so fascinated. Knowing that I will never speak to this person again should make me feel less excited to connect with them. But as I've thought about this more and more, I realize I have major boundaries when it comes to letting people into my life. You won't believe this about me, but it's very true. I am actually very obsessive about letting people in. It's something I was surprised to learn about myself. It's a weakness I have. I am a snob when it comes to letting my walls down.. and letting people become vulnerable. This is why I love strangers so much. I know that I can connect with them, but I won't owe them anything when the day is over. They won't need me anymore... they won't be able to reach me even if they wanted to. And what I've come to understand about myself is I have a deep fear about too many people needing me. I will only let a handful of people need me-- my husband, my children and only a few select friends. I am even picky about my siblings. I put up walls to everyone else. Because if you need me and I can't physically help you, it will hurt me too much. I don't have enough time (or emotions or money or whatever) for all the problems in the world and I will physically feel sick about it, so instead, I don't allow people in. It's a very selfish thing I do.
So-- I'm trying to overcome it. Through my self-discovery, I've realized that blogging has been such an incredible outlet for me because I can write whatever the heck I want and people can choose to read it or not. Those who want to read it become the strangers I can connect with. But the selfish part of me writing is that I don't read other peoples blogs. I rarely read strangers blogs.. In Google reader (before it was canceled, which I just discovered yesterday) I have a handful of subscriptions. I read people I feel close to, but no one else. I don't have time to read, but mostly I don't want to give of my emotional energy. I just can't do it. And I also only (selfishly) want positive energy in my life. So if a blog doesn't have positive vibes coming from it, I won't read it. Unless you are a part of my close inner circle, then I want to read about the hardships because I have the emotional energy to accept and to love. This is why I love strangers so much and why I thrive off of deep, emotional conversations with them. Because in the moment I can reach out and love and accept, but if they were to ask me to help them beyond that moment, to become their best friend, I would truly want to, but know that I could never do it. There would not be enough hours in the day.
But I've had a breakthrough. I hope that I can change and let my walls down and widen my circle and become less selfish of my time and emotional energy. My calling in my church has forced me to do this. I have had to force myself into homes of friends and neighbors (very opposite of strangers) and talk to them about their problems, and then I have been forced to keep tabs on them, even forced to care about them. It's been one of the hardest, most emotionally draining things I've ever had to do. And then, when I was about to have an emotional breakdown, my prayers were answered and I realized that I have never been giving of myself, ever. Where Love is, there God is also. The Love that I have been sharing my entire existence has only been God's Love. And His supply is limitless. This realization has transformed me. It's truly changed my life. It's always been from God, but I thought it was me, as if I had to give a piece of myself in order to love someone else. But what I didn't realize is that I am just relaying Love that was never mine. I was blessed with a Gift. This wonderful and amazing Gift is the ability to love others. I see my ability to love as a Light. In the past, I thought it was mine, and I was possessive of it. But now I've come to realize that the Light and Love come from God (and His endless supply) and it is a Gift given to each and every single person on this earth. And that by sharing my Light (which was never mine to begin with) I am giving others a piece of God. And this is truly allowing them to see themselves for who they are (who they have always been) and it will not be my responsibility to keep them full. My job is only to brighten their day and love them for who they are. My Light is a candle and by lighting other candles who have burned out, my Light is not diminished, it only becomes brighter. I can walk away after they see their own Light and trust that they will, in turn, light other candles and together we can lift one another and light up the world.
And as I love others completely and fully, sharing my Light will become easier. What I didn't realize is that as I selfishly protected my Light (by hiding it under a bushel, which I totally do!) I felt less and less energy and became more tired and depressed. The more tired I became, the less I was willing to give of myself and the more depressed I became. I forgot how great it felt to share my Light with others. The more I share, the more energetic I become and the more Light I have to offer. This has been a huge awakening for me. It's still something I'm working at... it's a hard habit to break and I haven't quite let my walls down with my friends, but it's been so much easier to see the difference with my interactions with strangers. I see myself as a torch, going out into the world, trying to spread my Light. My very existence is to make others feel better about themselves... to see their own Light. If their Light is completely snuffed out and they can't see it, it's my job to share my Light with them. My goal every day is to help those I interact with see their own potential. This goal has made my own Light so much brighter. I realize I can love those around me and not lose a part of me, not become less of a person to my family, who so desperately needs me. As I spread my Light to others, I am more capable at home. I found my source of energy again... and I wake up early with so much excitement.
So, here I am, writing about it. If you can't tell, it's not a completely processed thought, but it feels good to write anyway. I truly believe every one of us have a purpose, and that purpose is to make others feel better about themselves. It's really hard to do because we feel insecure in our own ways for legitimate reasons (we ALL have faults.) But we are all so amazing and so capable and so loved. We have so much potential to do good-- to spread happiness and to uplift those we come in contact with. If you are reading this, I hope you feel God's love in your life. I hope you feel a Light within yourself because it's there, even if it's dim. As we love and serve each other, it will become brighter and give us more energy (and happiness) to love and serve more. This is our purpose-- to recognize our own Light and share it with others.
Monday, April 1, 2013
18 months
She loves to play and scream and wrestle on the trampoline with her brothers.
But she also loves to cuddle, put on necklaces and kiss her babies.
She is an animal whisperer and will boss the dog around the house.
She eats well, makes big messes in her high chair
and loves to clean up in a bubble bath (often taking several each day.)
She says "Mom, mom, mommy, mom." and holds the sides of my face when she can't get my attention. When Daddy is around, she will go to no one else.
She's never had a binkie, but loves to shove them in other babies mouths.
She loves to sing songs, especially "popcorn" and "sunbeam"
She is always happy when she's outside. And always throws a fit when it's time to go inside.
She is such a beautiful mixture of sweet and sass and tough and tender.
She has changed our family dynamics and has filled our home with so much more love.
Happy half-birthday, Mo-Mo girl.
We are forever crazy about you.
miscarriage
I had my fourth miscarriage 30 weeks ago.
It's been a while since I thought of it.
until recently, I was flipping through the calendar on my phone,
I realized I had scheduled my due date after I found out I was expecting.
(so not like me.)
Saturday, March 23.
We were hoping for a March baby.
We have one birthday in Sept, Oct, Nov, Dec, Jan, Feb. And March seemed like a great month for the next.
This past March was madness, and the week of the 23rd was one of the busiest of my life.
With homeschooling and calling responsibilities and visitors and meetings.
I remember looking at the date and feeling sad.
Sad that I don't have a real baby for Roma to hold and an excuse to get me out of all the responsibilities that keep me away from my children, when that's the only place i want to be... holding them and feeding them.
Sad that I haven't been able to get pregnant since. Watching the calendar and taking my temperature and waiting can be exhausting, emotionally. And it makes sex less spontaneous and more like a chore, but that's not really anything to complain about, says my husband.
But then I look at my five beautiful babies and I feel blessed.
And I think about the adventures we can take and the gorgeous weather we are enjoying and I don't feel sad at all.
I know that children come when they are supposed to and they come when we are ready.
(And sometimes they don't come anymore, and that's okay too.)
And I know that I am being stretched in other areas of my life-- and I am truly grateful for this.
I pray at night and thank God that all of my children are healthy and sweet and keep us on our toes. I wake up in the morning to greet the sunrise and it fills me with hope and gladness and with a knowledge that I am in a place where I am supposed to be, surrounded by neighbors and friends who need me.
I spend my days playing with my darlings and working in the kitchen.
There is noise and laughter and sometimes fighting, but the sounds are happy.
And in the quiet moments there is a peaceful realization that I am doing my best and my best is good.
and that what I have is not just enough, but so much more.
It's been a while since I thought of it.
until recently, I was flipping through the calendar on my phone,
I realized I had scheduled my due date after I found out I was expecting.
(so not like me.)
Saturday, March 23.
We were hoping for a March baby.
We have one birthday in Sept, Oct, Nov, Dec, Jan, Feb. And March seemed like a great month for the next.
This past March was madness, and the week of the 23rd was one of the busiest of my life.
With homeschooling and calling responsibilities and visitors and meetings.
I remember looking at the date and feeling sad.
Sad that I don't have a real baby for Roma to hold and an excuse to get me out of all the responsibilities that keep me away from my children, when that's the only place i want to be... holding them and feeding them.
Sad that I haven't been able to get pregnant since. Watching the calendar and taking my temperature and waiting can be exhausting, emotionally. And it makes sex less spontaneous and more like a chore, but that's not really anything to complain about, says my husband.
But then I look at my five beautiful babies and I feel blessed.
And I think about the adventures we can take and the gorgeous weather we are enjoying and I don't feel sad at all.
I know that children come when they are supposed to and they come when we are ready.
(And sometimes they don't come anymore, and that's okay too.)
And I know that I am being stretched in other areas of my life-- and I am truly grateful for this.
I pray at night and thank God that all of my children are healthy and sweet and keep us on our toes. I wake up in the morning to greet the sunrise and it fills me with hope and gladness and with a knowledge that I am in a place where I am supposed to be, surrounded by neighbors and friends who need me.
I spend my days playing with my darlings and working in the kitchen.
There is noise and laughter and sometimes fighting, but the sounds are happy.
And in the quiet moments there is a peaceful realization that I am doing my best and my best is good.
and that what I have is not just enough, but so much more.
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