dressed in white

our family was asked to participate in a RS family history fireside kinda last minute (I was always planning on attending but the family planning on acting had something come up.)  We had such a busy schedule and Aaron really wasn't around at all this week, but I just couldn't pass up an opportunity for my family to all be dressed in white together.  We got the script on Monday, and I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to discuss it at FHE (without Aaron because he was working late.)  Aaron did most (if not all) of the talking so it was super easy for the kids and I.  We played a family from Denmark in the 1800's who joined the church and traveled to America to be closer to the Saints.  During their journey across the plains with the Johnson Handcart company, the wife and children died.  Because they weren't sealed together as a family on the earth, the husband is pleading for his family's temple work to be finished so they can be together.  The wife is able to join him with a couple of the children, but some of the boys are still waiting for their work to be done and can't join or sit with the family.  While we read over and talked about this story in FHE, Zack started bawling.  We spent the evening talking about how important we are to each other and how devastating it would be if one or two of us wasn't around.  Each of my children are so special and play such an important role in our family.  I truly hope they feel that about each of their siblings and realize how vital it is to treat each other kind and lovingly.

Thursday night rolled around quickly!  We had Simon's birthday party in the morning, I had to take a couple of friends to the airport in the afternoon and then we tried to have a (quick) special dinner with the family before the fireside.  Unfortunately Aaron couldn't join us for dinner and asked me to bring his clothes to the church.  I reminded him to read over the script since he was doing most of the talking.  (He read it on the way to the church :)  I felt like I was pretty prepared with clothes.. the boys smurf pants came in handy, although Ben ripped a hole in his butt and we had to find some replacements for him.  Luke wore a pair of karate pants and needed to be washed right before, so he went to the church with wet (damp) clothes, but didn't complain.  We were there for the rehearsal before, but Daddy walked in just before it started.  I was really relieved to see him.  He takes such a load off when he's with the kids.. Being a single parent isn't easy!

Afterward, we were able to snatch a couple of shots with the family and have all white refreshments.  Roma and I stayed a little longer mingling with the sisters in the ward.  When we were halfway home, Aaron called me to say he left Simon's clothes in the room where we changed, so we had to zip back to the church.  I left Roma in the car (alone) to run in to get the clothes and when I came back she screamed, "There you are, Mommy!  I lost you!"  She is talking up a storm lately and speaking in sentences which is so cute.  She was definitely the highlight of the fireside and we all feel so lucky she's ours!

hard core at FOUR

To my adorable four year old,

You started talking about your 4th birthday the day after your 3rd.  We've waited for this day for so long!  On a weekly basis, you would ask a question like this.. "Mom, maybe on my birthday can we go to Florida?" and I would respond... "maybe." and the list of things you wanted to do on your birthday got a mile long!  If you really wanted to buy something or play with a friend, everyone in the family would tell you, "Hey!  Maybe we could do that on your birthday..."  and so this week had to be something special!

It's been a busy month for our family so we've tried to squish in activities wherever we can.  On Tuesday we were able to sneak away to Pump It Up for a few hours and you ran yourself ragged. You and your siblings played with the new foam blocks almost the entire time... I love watching you laugh and run around together. You are the best of friends.  

Wednesday was Let's Play Music at Jane's house (your favorite) but it was mom's day (not your favorite.)  You told me I could come as long as I sat on the couch.  I needed to help you with the bells for a minute, so I sat by you.  As soon as the exercise was over, you softly touched me on my knee and said, "Okay, go back to the couch now please."  I totally get your need to be independent and I love you for it!  I quickly obeyed.

Wednesday night Dad had to work late and Dewey couldn't come for piano or drum practice so we hopped in the car and hit Chuck E Cheese (definitely on your list of things to do on your birthday.)  We invited Vaughn and Mason and spent a couple of hours running wild and collecting tickets!  You danced with Chuck E Cheese and bought several little crap toys with your earnings.  I am pretty sure they were all broken or lost by the time we arrived home!

Thursday (today) was the big day!  We let you sleep in while we quietly prepared for your (SURPRISE!) birthday party.  We never intended on having a surprise party, but because we couldn't fit it in last week, there was really no other option but to throw it together quickly.  I texted a few of your favorite friends and Ben, Luke and Zack took care of the rest!  When you woke up around 9:00am, I told you to quickly eat breakfast so we could go pick out some cupcakes.  You were so excited.  You wanted to wear your pajama shirt to the store (a gift from Ben this year) and Zack's red shorts that kept falling down.  I asked you to put on some better pants, but you didn't think it was necessary, and hey-- it's your birthday afterall!  You threw on an upside-down Star Wars jacket and some summer flip-flops in the garage, and boy, you were styling!

Roma came with us to the store because she's special too... and because the big boys couldn't watch her AND throw your party together.  We went to Sam's Club only to pick up cupcakes, ice cream bars and strawberries.  You also wanted a hot dog at the deli (9:30am) and because we were killing time, I said yes.  You downed the entire thing in 2 minutes flat.  Roma was begging for a bite, so you reluctantly gave her a piece.  After the store, we hit the carwash (also on your list of things to do on your birthday :)  Ro gets kinda scared in carwashes, so you moved up to sit by her.  She covered her eyes with one hand before the carwash even started... and she peeked through her fingers just a little as the spinners came around.  

Jane, Mason, Hannah, Lincoln and Jefferson showed up at our house while we were away.  Ben, Luke and Zack were busy putting up decorations and getting ready for the games we would play at your party.  When we opened the front door, everyone yelled "SURPRISE!" and you just stood there, not knowing what to say.  Then you got excited, ran to your friends, and then sat on the couch and said, "I knew you guys were going to do that."  Of course you did... Mr. Know It All.  Whether you knew or not, you were SO happy to have everyone center their attention on you!!

We played Pin the Star on the Captain America sheild (game created by Ben!) he couldn't find scissors and they cut the stars out with a knife...!  

We also played your favorite game, Four Corners, with pictures that were drawn freehand by your brothers.  How cute are these superheroes?  

You opened presents, had cupcakes and ice cream, jumped on the trampoline and gave away a few party favors.  What a fun party it was!!  (it was the easiest for me to date... I love your helpful, cute brothers!)

We had a lunch date planned with Daddy, but he couldn't make it because he has a project at work and you didn't want to go without him, so we'll plan it for another time.  You've requested lunch or dinner at Jason's Deli so I am sure we can squeeze it in soon!  You've been playing with your new toys all afternoon and you keep telling me this is your best birthday you've ever had when you were four. Well, I would hope so!

Tonight we are going as a family to a special fireside where we all get to act in a play and dress in white.  You don't really want to go, but sometimes you're not really in charge. :)  They announced it was your birthday during the fireside and you got to stand up!  AND you got your own very package of skittles so it turned out to be a great night for you..

We'll make sure to have cake and ice cream (again) when we get home.

And maybe, just maybe, we might find the time to head to the Children's museum tomorrow... just because you are THAT special.  

Simon, I want you to know that is such a privilege to be your mom and have you in our home.  You are an amazing little (big) boy with so many gifts and talents.  Your spicy spirit brightens our lives every.single.day.  You are feisty and bossy and confident... and we love that about you!  I am so looking forward to watching you grow into your HUGE personality.  Always know that we love you and want what's best for you.  Thanks for keeping us on our toes!  Happy 4th, SyGuy!

Love,

Mom

building up walls

last night Aaron and I had a long talk about boundaries.  I am basically an open book with zero boundaries and he is quite the opposite.  We realized that I need to be more like him and build higher walls.

I've been thinking about this since 3am (it's now 5am and I finally rolled out of bed because I knew that trying to sleep is pointless..) and I'm not sure what to think about our conversation.  I would like to have more privacy and control over my life (and who enters it) but I know I don't have the tools to build walls around me and I guarantee I wouldn't like them once they were up.

But then I got to thinking about our next door neighbors who recently moved.  They were seriously the BEST neighbors...  The mom and I would walk several times a week in the morning and our kids would play together everyday.  The husband was constantly fixing things in our yard and taking out our garbage for us.  When either of us would head to the store, we would pick up items the other needed... we exchanged goodies all of the time.  Honestly, some of the best neighbors you could ever ask for.  When they announced they were moving to Texas this summer, I was so bummed.  How could we ever function without them?

They moved out early September and although I miss them, I am also really kind of glad they are gone.  I know that sounds terrible, but it is the truth.  Our houses are SO close together and we knew what the other person was doing all the time.  Their son was over at our place a lot more than my kids were playing there (because he was much younger than his older siblings, he was always looking for someone to play with.)  And every time the mom came to pick up her son, we would end up talking for an hour or two in my kitchen or at my front door and although I totally miss her advice and friendship, I also have a lot more time to fix dinner (or just play with my kids.)  I also never feel guilty when I go to the store without asking what anyone else needs.  My grocery list is long enough as it is. I feel like the worst person in the world for not crying everyday that she's gone!

For a second last year, we thought about moving to Utah.  My amazing sister with 8 kids lives in an awesome neighborhood literally within a few steps of a park and swimming pool.  Her next door neighbor was selling their home and over Christmas we walked through the house and talked about buying it.  How incredible would it be for our kids to run back and forth to each other's houses?  We could open up the back gate and make dinners for one another (she's an amazing cook!) and watch each others babies and do girly crafty projects everyday.... we would have an amazing time.

But the house really wasn't right for us (and neither was the move) and the more I got to thinking about it, the more I realized we might end up hating each other if we lived next door.  Unless we had really clear set boundaries, which honestly probably couldn't happen in a family like mine (without any.)  How close is too close?  Don't we have enough to worry about in our own not-so-little families?  When does sharing the burden actual become more of a bother?  Where is the comfort zone... five houses down?  The next city?  A short 6-hour drive?  I can't decide!

We still aren't sure what our plans are for Thanksgiving... the in-laws might come here or I might go up to see my family in the North Pole.  Thanksgiving should be a time when you surround yourself with lots of people and share all your yummy recipes and let the kids run around with their cousins and friends, isn't it?  I'm not so sure about that.  Last year we stayed home and invited ZERO people over and it was seriously the best weekend of our lives.  The kids helped me make the entire menu, we had a somewhat-quiet meal, a zillion leftovers, plenty of time to nap and play cards and stay in our pajamas and put our feet up and not even talk if we didn't feel like it.  I didn't miss anyone or sulk around wishing we had friends to visit.  It was the best Thanksgiving to date.  Maybe it was just something our family needed that year, but isn't that what all young families need-- more quality time together and less chaos?  I think so.  I feel like such a jerk!

I'm working on building up my walls.  Sometimes I want to build them up around me only and not even let my husband or kids in.  I want to be strong and feel like I can handle everything on my own, but when I do that, I tend to explode.  Yesterday in the wee hours of the morning, I wrote a long detailed story on my private blog... things I haven't told anyone...  I'm not sure what happened to the settings on private blog, but it got emailed to everyone on my list of readers (which happens to be a whopping 15 people...) but still.  I was totally embarrassed and spent the day apologizing to anyone who responded to the email.  I think I just held everything in for too long and then didn't know what to do when I couldn't handle it anymore.  Why is it so hard to let others know you're struggling?

Depression is a whole different topic that I want to discuss in a separate blog.  But it seems like everywhere I turn, there is a woman struggling to feel like herself.  Most people are struggling with some kind of depression, but it's really so hard to talk about because you don't want to make your life seem worse than it really is, but you also want to relate to other people who are struggling and say, "I've been there." But if you ever say "I've been there" when you really haven't been there, it becomes disingenuous, insincere and hurtful.  Am I making any sense?  How can you talk to people about your struggles without becoming a total pity-case?  Maybe only select one or two people to share them with?  Pay a therapist??  I don't know.

Everything I read about vulnerability and openness is GOOD and healthy.  we need to be more transparent and more real with others.  But it hurts too much to be authentic.  I shed so many tears yesterday because I hated having to share my struggles with other people.  I doesn't feel good, but it's good for you?  All it made me want to do was build my walls really high and never let anyone in.  ever.  And then my husband confirmed to me that's exactly what I should do.  But yet, here I am posting my thoughts for the world to read.  I guess I am still confused and processing what is best for me and my family.

Ghosts of Halloween Pasts

I posted lots of old pictures on Instagram this year... but not all of them.  I used to have a slideshow on my blog, but I don't think I have the years in order anywhere.  Definitely not in our blog yearbooks.  So here's the countdown so far.

2001

 

 2002

2003

2004

2005

2006

2007

2008

2009

2010

2011

2012

2013

Prime

It's 3am... But only 2am (thanks to daylight savings.) Either way it doesn't matter much. I am wide awake in bed and I won't be falling asleep anytime soon. And I feel like blogging. But I don't want to get out of my bed, so I'm typing with my phone. I really miss writing. I often wonder HOW I used to blog so often and so quickly because now I can never find the time to do it, but it just came naturally. The need I had to write is gone.  Hopefully it will come back soon because I do love it.  Sometimes people stop blogging when they are going through a difficult time, because they don't want to expose themselves in a negative light.  I know that is not true for me.  When I went through such a difficult time after Simon was born, my blog was my way out of the depression.  People say blogging is out, but I hope it's not for me.  I love having a place of my own to write when it's 2 am and I am all cozied up in my bed.

Life is busy. Good. But very busy. Aaron and I snuck away for a date on Friday night (InN'Out & Target) and over dinner we were discussing our age and stage in life.  Mid 30's.  We should be the PRIME years of our lives.  When I said that out loud, we busted out laughing. We couldn't stop. We we're laughing at ourselves and how pathetic our lives feel.  But the more we talked about it, the more we realized we don't have much to complain about.  Besides being busy with work, kids schedules, church callings and housework... we are very happy and feel extremely blessed.  Yes, we have a lot of kids, but they are all amazingly cute and darling.  And our relationship is stronger than it's ever been.  Maybe we will look back on this time and realize it WAS the very best.  I cannot wait for that time...

In fact, it seems like Aaron and I are always talking about when we are retired and the kids are out of the house.  Not like we want to kick them on the street already, but when we're really exhausted at the end of the day, we'll lay in bed and plan where we want to set up hammocks and what kind of drinks we'll order when we are laying on the beach getting massages.  Even though we know this will probably never happen, we talk about it all the time and it makes the miserable days seem doable.

This pregnancy is kicking my butt. I mean, I've never done pregnancy well but this is beyond exhausting for me. I am tired all the time during the day and I can never sleep at night. I am SUCH a great sleeper when I'm not pregnant. But I will be wide awake for hours in the middle of the night for no reason. I hate it. Why does it have to be so difficult?  I would consider having several more kids if I could function during pregnancy, but I honestly cannot fathom going through this one more time.  Not one more.  And I really don't even know how I'm possibly going to do laundry for another person!

One of my biggest worries and stresses is laundry these days. So sad to see those words written down but it's the truth. I cannot keep up on laundry. I've been behind since Roma joined the family and I've never been able to keep up. I've GOT to figure something out before baby #6 comes because life is too short to be worried about laundry.  The older boys have been good with washing and drying it, but no one is good about folding it or putting it away.  Once a week we try to crack down and have a laundry folding party, but they are never fun.  And now that summer is gone and winter is here, clothes only get bulkier and harder to wash.  We've got to have a laundry intervention soon. Or I might become a gypsy.  

I turned off my phone for a while and tried to sleep, to no avail.  It's now 4 am.  (would be 5 am without the extra hour.)  I have not slept a wink.  What is going on here?  This baby is kicking like crazy and my mind is racing with thoughts.  Random, stupid, meaningless thoughts.  I could do a blog post on each one.  Maybe if I list them, I will be able to sleep.

I am worried I'm not teaching the boys enough responsibility.  I wish we lived on a farm.

Simon's birthday is this week and if I don't get invitations out for his party asap, I will be in trouble.  by my four year old.  He's been talking about his party for a year.  

 Most people couldn't handle Simon as their child.  But I see myself as the luckiest mom around.  I am head over heels over this boy.  Have been since day one.

Roma is also my favorite.  Two is just so delicious.  She is such a party animal.  I didn't think I could love her any more and then Halloween happened.  That Smurfette amazed me.  I can't wait to be best friends with her when she's an adult.  I hope she will be friends with me.

My bosche broke this week.  I need a new one and I'm not sure I can wait until Christmas.  But they are $400.  I wish I could buy a used one.  But why would anyone sell the most amazing piece of machinery.  I need to figure out a plan soon.  My friends are getting sick of me borrowing theirs. (I can't live without one!)

My Dyson vacuum is terrible.  It doesn't suck at all which means it SUCKS big time.  I am so disappointed and wished I would have forked out money for a Kirby when we first moved into this house.  Vacuums need to work!

I am loving the Fall.  I know it's not technically fall in Vegas without leaves all over the street, but there are beautiful (close) drives to take that are still amazing in their own way.  And we won't have to deal with snow and winter coats and gloves unless we want to...  and that makes me really happy.  I could live here for always.

Planning a sisters trip soon.  Excited to see my family, but stressed about leaving my routine and husband and calling behind.  and I don't want to drive up into the cold.

I want to put up my Christmas tree already.

My bathrooms are never clean.  And I clean them often.  This is the only downside to having boys.  I need to have each of them wipe down a toilet every.single.day.

I feel like chopping my hair short... like boy short.  But I am too insecure about my chubby face to ever do it.  I would love to just jump out of the shower and run my fingers through my hair and be done.  I really dislike blow-drying my hair.  and my hair needs to be round-brushed or else I look like I got electrocuted.  my curls and frizz are worse when I'm pregnant, I think.

I feel like I've been pregnant forever.  and I still have forever to go.  I wish I knew how many weeks I was.  I could download an app on my phone but then it might make the pregnancy move even slower.

I really need to use the next 4 months to clean out our closets and make room for another.  We have WAY too much stuff.  and I throw away crap all the time.  And I hardly ever go shopping.  How does this happen?

We have choir practice in the morning.  We've decided to take all of our kids... our ward needs men and I want my kids to remember going to ward choir with their parents.  Too bad we don't sing well.

My dining room table has been clean for the last two days and those two days have been the most wonderful days of the year.  I'm glad Halloween is over.  making costumes was messy.

I'm really glad I don't have to teach tomorrow in Relief Society.  I love fast Sundays because there are no meetings.  and usually I love teaching, but I really didn't like my lesson last month.  can't put my finger on what bothers me so much about it, but I prefer to not think about it.

My fridge needs to be cleaned out.  I hate cleaning out my fridge.  But there's not a single person in the world that could or should do the job for me.  Must happen soon.

My husband is the best person to sleep next to.  He's always warm and he always lets me cuddle with him.  And he never makes any noises.  I love him.

I really do want to live on a farm.  I wish there were farms to visit in Vegas.

I am not sure what we're doing for the holidays.  I don't want to travel anywhere.  but I always end up missing family.  My kids never get to see their cousins.  Life sucks.

Haircuts tomorrow.  I hate when I wait until Sunday to do this, but Saturday was way too busy.  Scouts rules our life.  But it's a really amazing program to get involved with.

My dog never ovulates.

I need to post my facebook statuses to the blog.  That way I will have at least a portion of this last year documented.  Doing that now....

insta updating

This girl holds, feeds, changes, sings to, wraps up, reads to and loves on her babydolls 24/7. I'm excited (and really nervous) about bringing a real one into the home. #lilmom #bigsister #romashums#firstthinginthemorning

Looks like I missed out on some fun tonight. (organizing winter clothes instead.) I would have lost anyway...#fundad #nomercy #oldschoolnintendo #mortalcombat

The older boys are with Dad at scout camp all day. I get the awesome privilege of hanging with these cool cats. We're folding laundry, eating Halloween candy and making music videos.