every little thing is gonna be alright.

Yesterday was a really hard day.  I felt completely unmotivated.  I felt like giving up.  But after I wrote out my frustrations out on the blog, my mindset changed and the fog separated.  It was as though I could see my life in a timeline of happy vs. hard times and I knew I was stronger because of all of the struggles.  I laid back down in bed with a new momentum.  My thoughts led me down a path of examining my most stressful experiences over the past 15 or so years (I do not naturally stress easily and cannot think of a time before college when I was overwhelmed... ) so life got "hard" for me at 19.  Going through these bullet points in my life made me realize that I am blessed for having an easy childhood and really believing that it will all work out in the end.  Here are a few times in my life when I felt a lot like I do right now--

Getting mono 6 months before getting engaged.  18 college credits, three honors classes and a demanding church calling..  I was SO stressed about my grades and knew I would lose my scholarship without a 3.8.  That semester I got a 4.0.  I would never have predicted a 4.0 was even possible during my darkest hours.  God provided in a major way and no one can tell me otherwise.  Those finals I took and papers I wrote when I was sick were literally miracles from heaven.  I felt so alone that semester, but I was being watched over by angels.

Getting engaged at 20.  I didn't even really know this guy!  We had no car, no money, no plan for the future.  I was stressed out of my mind.  I wish I could have told myself how lovely our marriage would be and what a great husband and father he would become.  If I could tell myself anything, I would say, "plow straight ahead and don't question your heart."  We figured everything out as it came to us.  We were able to get through college without a single student loan and save enough to pay cash for our first car (a tradition we've kept throughout our marriage.) And we had zero adjustment period to married life.  It was so much easier than I imagined it would be.

Ben's pregnancy. I was so excited to have a baby, but I was working full-time and in school full-time.  I was throwing up every.single.day.  I literally prayed my way through that pregnancy.  I can think of so many times when I would be walking on campus, just begging God to help me get through the hour.  It all worked out just fine and this boy is my lifesaver.  I honestly cannot imagine how I would have survived without him.

Luke's pregnancy. I had my second baby in the middle of my final semester in college.  He was born on a Monday and I went back to class on Wednesday.  stressful, for sure, but he was the EASIEST baby and let me do whatever I needed.  I didn't expect that during his pregnancy, I was imagined me up all night with a screaming child and then falling asleep in my classes.  It's amazing how we picture the future as worst-case scenario when it never really gets that bad.  Maybe that's what made Luke so easy is that I was expecting him to be terrible.

Zack's pregnancy.  I am starting to see a pattern here.  But I can't even tell you how stressed I was about this pregnancy..  (we got pregnant on birth control, btw.)  Having three babies while my husband was in law school was insane!  Aaron was so busy in school, serving as EQ president and working at a law firm in Spokane.  Being away from a support system, in a freezing winter, with really no friends, not even my busy husband was too much for me.  This really was the lowest point in my life, the first few months Zack was born.  But if I could go back and whisper anything to my young mama-self, I would say, "yep.  this is gonna suck, but this child's energy and optimism will bless your life everyday."  and he has.  

Three miscarriages in three years..  miscarriages are rough.  For me, it was less about the physical and emotional drama and more about the worry that I would never have any more children.  I did get to a point where I accepted where I was-- that maybe my body wouldn't carry any more and I was truly happy with three boys.  I think at that point, I got pregnant with Simon.

Simon's and the girls pregnancies were hard, but not in the same way as the others.  Those miscarriages took me to a new level of awareness.  This was eye opening for me last night.  The stress of my first pregnancies were not as great as the stress of not having any children and therefore, I was able to give up that burden.  IF we chose to have more children, the stress comes more in the decision to get pregnant not in the pregnancy itself.  Once the decision is made, I know I will be able to embrace it.  Kind of sounds and feels like the decision is already made...

So-- there's quite a big jump here, but I can't think of ANYTHING that has stressed me out in the last five years accept for our current situation.  Last night as I was laying in bed, I realized that I've had a long break.  I don't know if that's because I've changed the way I've dealt with stress or because of my experience at Roma's birth, when I felt this overwhelming understanding that life is short and I need to enjoy it while I can, but I haven't let it get to me until now.  And really, not even in the past year of being unemployed or the past 7 months of living with family.  It's really only been the past couple of weeks.  I think Simon's emergency (or the aftermath) is really what put me into a tailspin of frustration, but it didn't take me long to work it out.  I do know that this time will pass.  And if I feel alone, like I did when I was in college and struggling with ALL that was on my plate, I can totally get through this.  I need to just take it a day or hour at a time.  Sooner or later, I will look back and be grateful for the experience.