be the hero of your own life

In Dr Shefali's book Out of Control she writes an entire chapter dedicated to writing scripts for our children (and expecting them to behave in a certain way) and why this backfires on parents.  The chapter is titled "you are not a moviemaker".  I want to quote the first couple of paragraphs because it's that good.

We each run a movie in our head about how life is supposed to be.  We cast our children and intimate others in roles we want for them, with little regard for whether they have consented to these roles.  We impose our script on them, never really stopping to examine whether they are fitted for the part.

With strangers, and perhaps to a lesser degree our friends, we restrain ourselves when it comes to directing the movie.  We know that if we impose on them too much, they'll simply walk out of our life.  But in the case of our children, who are hostage to our care, we feel free to write the lines, buy the costumes and predict the conclusion of the movie.

If suffocated in their assigned roles, our children can comply, taking on the role in which they have been cast, and in the process abandon their true self.  Or they can fight back at the risk of being crushed anyway.  In how a child responds to these two options lie all the behavioral issues we face as parents.  

So attached are we to our subconscious movies, spending a lifetime budget on them, that we fight tooth and nail to manifest them.  When these movies don't do well at the box office-- or even more disappointing, don't even make it to production-- we are devastated.  Many of us rant, rave, scream and blame everyone in sight.  Of course, the most ready targets are our children.   

- Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work, page 64-65.  

I agree with Dr. Shefali, 1000% and think it's really important that we let our children be who they came to be.  We always hear the saying, "You can't change your spouse" and most of us realize this is true.. but the saying needs to also include our children.  Wishing our kids were different than they are damages them.  We can't turn them into the kind of people we want them to be, no matter how hard we try.  They come the way they are and they want to be free to be that person.  Now, if it seems to you that your child is being a nasty kind of person that is NOT who they are.  It's only a reflection of the expectations you are putting on them.  Drop the scripts you've written for them and allow them to be themselves.  Embrace who they are and if you don't like something, change yourself.  That's the only person you have control over.

I've been working with a few couples who are struggling with their kids and it's awesome when both parents want to get on board and make changes.  But you don't need your spouse on the same page to transform your house.  I also have some parents who struggle with the fact that their spouse has changed since they were married (they got married expecting one thing and then the spouse either changed their mind or gave them a facade of what their fairytale would be like.)  I want to say with all of the compassion that I can, that this is bull to expect your spouse to stay exactly the same.  Life is fluid and we are constantly learning new things and expanding our views.  You cannot put any limits on any person and expect them to keep things exactly the way they were.  And the same with children.  You can't tell them that they have to pick an opinion or behavior and stick with it.  You are NOT writing their scripts.  The only thing you have control over is how you respond.  If you no longer like what your spouse is dishing out, leave them.  Don't complain about it and act as though you are being dragged somewhere you don't want to go.  I've seen some women in some pretty terrible relationships, some of them life threatening.  I am a fan of marriage and keeping families together but I will never support misery.  If your spouse makes you miserable, you need to leave.  If you chose to stay, then stop complaining about their behavior.

Now-- here's where I am going to take Dr. Shefali's amazing advice for what it's worth and then say I think it's GOOD to write a script for yourself.  I think it's valuable to cast yourself as your own hero.  In one of my favorite movies The Holiday Arthur tells Iris "In the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend." Iris responds, "You're so right. You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life!"  And that's when Iris starts writing her own script and becoming the leading lady of her own life.

I like to pretend I am on a stage, rather than in a movie.  I don't really picture anyone in the audience, but I definitely see myself on stage... And whatever I am doing is the current scene.  If I am doing dishes or vacuuming, that is what is going on center stage.  I have very little control over when the scene changes (or when the curtain closes on a particular experience) but I have ALL of the power over my own character.  I get to pick her mood, what she wears, what thoughts she thinks and definitely everything she says.  I am a freaking heroine in my own play.  I am my own version of Jane Eyre.  I have a very clear idea of what my character looks like.  She is determined, honest, fun, loyal, hard-working, adventurous, easy-going, open to new suggestions, forgiving and in an odd twist, she's calm and collected.  Sometimes she hears what other people are saying about her, but she doesn't really care.  She is true to herself and she does those things that bring her happiness.  Why would such a heroine be doing dishes and vacuuming her house?  Because that's the scene in her life right now.  It doesn't mean she's any less of a leading role in her own play.  She rocks to music while doing dishes and she dances with the vacuum.  Because that's the kind of leading lady I am.

Now here's where it gets tricky.  There are other people in my play.  Thousands of them.  Some have more significant roles than others, but anyone who walks on my stage is valuable and important.  If I am in the grocery line, there are only a couple of people on stage, me and the checker (and sometimes the bagger.)  Their presence is important.  Maybe they only have one line, but it still matters.  And how cool is it that I get to step on their stage for just a minute.  I'm not saying that everywhere I go, I feel like I am performing.  I am not an actor.  I literally am my own heroine.  This is who I am and who I was born to be.

When it comes to the more significant supporting roles in my life, sometimes there is a little conflict.  But I get to decide how I respond to it.  I can freak out and make it a bigger deal than it is, or I can relax and allow it to play out for what it needs to be.  When people come to visit my home, what does it feel like, how do I respond?  Do I become possessive over my things or am I sharing and giving?  I want my character to be selfless and generous, always.  Obviously I do not always write my lines this way, but I am constantly striving to be better.

So let's talk about the main characters of my life play-- my husband and children.  It would be a problem if I expected to write their lines and control their wardrobe and create them into something they are not.  It's truly NOT for me to decide.  These little people that are on my stage, they are their own heroes of their lives.  And even though it seems like they are playing children, they are in fact extremely well-rounded characters and they are aware of who they are (sometimes even more aware than we are as adults.)  When little people step on my stage, I try to pay close attention to what they say and why they are saying it.  Most of the time it's very in tune with what they are feeling.  Often it's hilarious and witty or wise beyond their years.  I try to pay attention and then I hope to respond in a way that builds connection.

Now some of you are saying that you have a child who is playing the villain role.  They come onto your stage and cause havoc and ruin props and light things on fire.  Well, sometimes that really does happen in life and it's up to you to be the hero.  Put the fire out.  Don't try to change who they are, but also do not cast them into the villain role if that's not what they want to be.  Sometimes all they have to do is walk on stage, and then we freak out about everything they touch.  Your lines are important and the way you behave matters.  When a little person steps on stage and dishes out a line-- what is your response?  Are you even listening to what they have to say? or are you checked out?  Be the present, active, intentional hero of your own life.

Sometimes we have scenes that are totally embarrassing... like kids screaming and fighting with each other.  This is not a reflection of you or your character.  The only thing that reflects your character is how you respond to the screaming and fighting.  And you get to decide that.  You can be the referee, you can be the peacemaker or you can go into full-attack mode and fight back.  What do you want for yourself?  Sometimes we have adult people fighting in our lives.  Maybe it's our friends or neighbors or it's siblings or maybe it's a spouse or our in-laws.  We can decide to step in and be the heroine or MAYBE we can decide to step off the stage all together and realize that it's not a scene we want to be a part of.  Sometimes it's better to walk off stage and let them work it out themselves.  But remember that every time you are speaking lines-- every time you are spreading gossip or talking on the telephone or writing an email or communicating, that you've become center stage again.  What you say and do matters and it absolutely has an impact on what comes back to you.

Our future scenes are unknown.  We don't know who or what is coming.  Life throws us curve balls and the only thing that we can control is the way we respond.  Be the hero of your own life-- stop making excuses and start creating something better.  What do you want that life to look like?

I want my life to have lots of adventure and new experiences.  This is one reason I brought a school bus onto my stage.  That bus is not my life-- in fact, in my play, it's just a big paper cut out of a bus that characters in my play get to ride around in once in a while.  My scenery (or the house that I am renting right now) is temporary too.  I never ever want my play to be about the things I collect or hang in my closet.  In fact, I am hoping that most of my backdrops are mountains and painted skies.. I think it would be amazing if every day my character spends her time outside in nature.  I want my life-movie to be full of breathtaking panoramic views.  I want to be hiking, walking, swimming with my kids, watching sunsets, making dinner over a fire and filling my mind with meaningful thoughts and powerful literature.  When I speak, I want to do it with the intent to connect with others, not to condemn or judge or criticize or be bothered.  I have no idea what my future will look like, but I know that I can always beautify it and make it better with my personal contribution.  The only thing I have control over is my own attitude.

Sometimes there are hard moments.  Sometimes we throw fits.  And that's okay too.  Because without lows we would just be two-dimensional, a character that is hard to relate with.  It's okay to get overwhelmed and depressed.  But just make sure that you know that YOU have all of the power to decide how long that depression lasts and how much of your play is dark and sad.  If you are ready to lighten the mood, then get up and find scenery that better represents what you are about.  Put down the tv remote-- is there any heroine out there that watches hours of television everyday?  Not in my story.  Make lists of the kind of experiences you want in your life and imagine it actually happening.  We have more control over our future than we realize.  What we are doing now matters-- it sets our future into motion.  Ask yourself what you want and start creating it, little by little, moment by moment.

Remember that all you have control over is YOUR OWN SCRIPT.  Don't try to write others.  Don't wish you could do a scene over.  It happened for a reason and it's part of the big picture.  If you don't like where you are in life, remember that your story isn't over yet.  You have so much transforming to do-- so many things to look forward to-- so many people to interact with-- so much to change about yourself.  Focus on the good.  Remember that ALL of the bad, every single ounce of it has made you into the HERO that you are becoming.  It's all there for a reason and has taught you some important lessons.  Don't wish it away, don't worry or dwell on past scenes or things that you could have done better.  You did the best with what you knew at the time and now you know better.  Everything that comes your way is here to teach you something.  The people that continue to step on your stage are there for a reason... figure out what role you play in their lives, but remember that you are ALWAYS the leading lady (or man) of your own.

when kids don't naturally want to clean up water balloons on the patio

Today I set up parenting coaching calls back to back and I have a little break before my next call.  I decided to take a minute to write a blog post and share my recent thoughts..

Memorial weekend was crazy/fun in Vegas with my sister and her family staying for 4 nights.  Our house had 18 people all weekend, 14 of them children.  I found myself constantly doing dishes, picking up wet towels off the ground, sweeping up messes.  It was a challenge for my "mindful parenting" and a great way to practice what I preach.  I think I did pretty well overall, not losing my patience and trying to stay connected with these kids and trying NOT to get after them for what they weren't doing correctly.  (or for being wild and crazy, which naturally happens with 14 kids under your roof.) 

One thing I did "wrong" was make a certain group of boys pick up their water balloons on the patio before they went swimming in our pool.  A crazy water balloon fight took place the night before and nothing was cleaned up afterward.  I wanted to see a little "respect" after all the fun that was taking place.  When I requested that these boys (mine included) clean up the mess before they swam, they threw mini tantrums, which was completely uncalled for, which led to one boy changing out of his swimsuit and not swimming at all. Sounds like typical teenage behavior, but it's not how I want kids behaving after asking them to clean up after themselves.  What brats, right? 

I knew I was in the wrong about 3 minutes after the balloons were swept up.  My boys apologized for their behavior and I apologized for mine, but I knew I was wrong, 100% to blame.  I approached the situation as a dictator (you will not swim unless you behave the way I want you to) and then I put my foot down after they protested.  The balloons got cleaned up within a few minutes, but relationships were not strengthened through the process and that was a fail.  Connection is key and it's what I want with my children and nieces and nephews.  It's my goal with everyone I meet, actually.  I want to become closer to the people I am around.  I want to understand them better, see inside their world, feel what they feel.  I want to connect on a deep level.  And the water balloon scenario (although just a small part of our awesome weekend) was one instance where I put space in between relationships instead of strengthen them.  And that tiny indecent could have been more significant in those kids memories than all of the fun we had together.  

One nephew (who changed out of his swimsuit when asked to clean up the water balloons, who never apologized for being a total pain, who sometimes has the reputation for misbehaving) was having issues with everyone was later disciplined by his dad.  I am not sure what happened in the pool (I was in the kitchen) but I could hear that he was being a punk outside.  His parents were getting after him and then as punishment, he was thrown into the pool when he didn't want to go in. I don't know who was right or wrong, all I know is that this "smart-alec" teen came into my house sopping wet, without a towel and went upstairs to get away from what was going on outside.  I wanted to flip out because he was getting water everywhere, but instead I took a deep breathe and I tried to put myself in his situation... I saw into his tender soul and felt some serious pain he was going through.  Had I demanded that he go back outside and dry off (or even get a towel before stepping into my house) then I would have lost the ability to see him for what he was, a sweet teenage boy who was a little unsure of himself and how to behave.  A kid who just wanted to have fun and fit in.. When we stop demanding that people behave a certain way and we allow our egos to crumble, light enters and connection happens.  He may not feel connected to me, but I will forever remember that moment, him dripping wet and broken-hearted.  And me wanting and asking how I could help instead of making the situation worse.

As parents we have expectations for our little people.  We want for them to be respectful and kind and obey as they should.  The world says we need to step up and teach the next generation how to behave.  We need to set higher standards for them, demand that they work hard and behave well.  But I disagree with this approach.  I think we need our standards and expectations to drop.  We need to see these kids for who they are and meet them there.  As they FEEL the empathy we have for them, they will be less likely to rebel.  They will be attracted to warmth and acceptance and they will naturally behave better.  With the water balloon situation, I set a demand and expected them to follow.  They protested that the little girls needed to clean up too because they broke a few as well.  (the little girls were already swimming and I didn't believe them that the little girls made part of the mess.)  Instead of forcing them to clean, I wish I would have listened, pulled the girls out of the pool and have everyone work together instead of label them as poor sports.  They felt the judgement and responded like poor sports.

We are constantly projecting things on others and they respond with the behavior we project. Everyone we meet is giving us what we ask for, whether we believe it or not, people are a reflection of how we see them. Up until the water balloon scenario, I had been able to motivate the kids to work and be helpful and pitch in (while also staying completely relaxed when they were making messes.)  But I don't know what prompted me to get on my high horse and cause a fight.  I guess I stepped on my parenting stool and expected them to naturally clean up after themselves.  "Hey, lets clean up these water balloons after throwing them!" -- says no child ever.  Why was I setting such high expectations for them?  Because I had already done so much... cooked, cleaned, driven them places, allow them to relax and have fun... Naturally, they would WANT to clean up the mess they made on the patio.  For some reason in my mind, I got worked up over it and internalized it as a lack of respect for all that I was doing for them.  My negativity toward their "lack of respect" caused them to have an actual lack of respect toward me.  I created it all on my own because I am that powerful.  

The only thing we have control over is our OWN feelings.  We cannot ever control how a child behaves.  They will respond with love and respect if that is what we FEEL for them.  We cannot expect respect by controlling them.  If as adults we try to control the way the way children behave, we will get one of two outcomes.  Either the child will openly rebel against you (will not do what you say) or they will quietly obey and resent you for it in silence, but they are thinking what the rebellious ones are saying out loud.. To me, it's much healthier to have children openly freak out than to hide their negative feelings.  Because those negative feelings will eventually show up-- maybe not in words or feelings against you, but in destructive behavior or negative feelings toward themselves. 

I do have a way to paint the picture a little better, but I need to find the source before I try to explain it.... so give me until next time to find it.  

Update on the summer media fast-- Basically I hate it and love it equally.  I LOVE the kids reading, playing games and being CREATIVE.  I really hate the part of having to give up my screen time.  It's so much easier to check out and jump on social media.  But I am learning a ton and being so much more accountable with my time.  It's been good and a summer of no screens is already better than I expected it to be.  I've had several others email me with no-screen challenges of their own... so awesome!  I would encourage anyone to do it, but take it a week at a time.  Or maybe even a day at a time... No screen Thursday could work for your family!

XOXO.  Hoping to come back soon.