disturbing questions and emails

This post isn't going to be as interesting as the title sounds... just giving you a warning upfront.


For some time now, Zack has been asking some rather odd questions. They are so out of the blue and so far stretched that I can't seem to write them down fast enough. He usually wants to know what I would do in a life or death situation (it's the superhero in him, I'm sure.) A typical question goes like so: "Would you get your head chopped off my a helicopter propeller to save the whole world?" I should have nipped these in the bud when they started, but I can't help but ponder the question and then answer truthfully. Yes, it might be a little disturbing, but it's thought provoking and I just can't help but turn it into a discussion.

On our way back from the library yesterday, Zack proposed: "If you HAD to give away one of your kids forever, who would you give away?" The good motherly answer would have been: "I wouldn't give away ANY of you! I love you all too much!" But that's not what I said. I answered truthfully. If I HAD to give away one of my children, I would have to give away Simon. Sad, I know. But it's the truth. He's the youngest and will have very little memories of our family... and it would be less painful. After I answered, I asked Zack if he thought I would give him away and he said, "Well, I am cute, but I do make a lot of messes." Which really means, he asked because he wanted to know if he was cute enough to counter balance the mess-making. And he is.

The older boys are still emailing constantly. They usually send them to each other (and occationally to Daddy and the grandparents) but recently, I've been lucky enough to join in on the fun. Here are some from last month--- these were all sent on the same day.

*****

Hi Benny Boy.

I love that my oldest child has blue eyes and freckles. Did you know that when I was pregnant with you, I thought I would never have a blue-eyed baby? With dad's brown eyes, I thought he would dominate over me. But now we see who's the most powerfulest! Blue eyes rule!!!! Brown eyes drool!!!! (shh! don't tell Luke).

And just remember, when we play Rummikub, I will NEVER go easy on you. You have to win fair and square. Good luck, sucka!

Love,
Mom

*******

Hi Mom,

Thanks for the email. I dont need you to go easy on me. I can beat you in any game with a broken arm!

Love Ben

******

Dear adorable, squishy, large-headed Luke,

Guess what chicken butt? Simon is grumpy and doesn't like it when I email you. He's jealous of your large head.

Do you know who my favorite kid is? The one with brown eyes. (shh! don't tell Ben!)

Do you know what 500 X 5,678,456 is? if you know the answer, email me back. If you don't, you'll have to move out of our house by next Tuesday.

Love you,
Mom

******

Hi Mom,

the answer is 2839228000 you never said I couldnt use a cowcullator.

from luke

*****

Minutes after I sent them these emails, I overheard Ben say, "Hey! She told me the same thing!" Am I screwing up my kids? Probably. But we're having a good time in the process.

Yesterday we got an email from Aaron's mom that our boys loved. It's a ton of random "Did you know" facts. I will share a few of the kid's favorites. If you want the whole email, LMK. I am not a forwarding kind of girl, but if you want it, I will forward on :)

I am not my body.

*this post may be more appropriate for my private blog. But after giving a lesson to my children on the importance of treating our bodies with respect and love, I thought I would share with you too.

My home has been quiet and peaceful lately. So quiet that my thoughts are getting louder and deeper. I have been pondering several ideas recently and wanted to get it down on "paper" while it's fresh and new.

Some time ago, I watched nienie's Mormon messages video about her new life after the airplane crash. One of the most powerful thoughts from that message (at least for me anyway) is "I am Stephanie Nielson, and I am not my body." That line, I am not my body, has stuck with me over the last few months. What does it mean to me? It hasn't been a pressing thought, but one that has been in the back on my mind for some time.

Yesterday, as I was watching my little son, a light bulb turned on and I received an answer to this thought. My four boys and I were playing on the carpet for what seemed like the majority of the afternoon. Little Simon is so entertaining these days. He is standing for longer periods of time and is so proud of the big (and little) accomplishments he has each day. He is also learning actions to songs like "popcorn" and "the wheels on the bus". He gets so excited and swishes his arms back and forth when we sing about the wipers on the bus. We clap and giggle for him... which makes him clap and giggle more. It was a simple experience, but it felt so profound and important to me.

After I put Simon in his crib, down for the night, I felt a deep respect for him and the relationship he has with his body. He is trying to hard to coordinate his thoughts with the motions of his hands. It takes so much effort to balance those little feet and stand for 60 seconds. He is not his body, but he is working with his body to accomplish the things he desires. They are in partnership... they are working together beautifully.

After cleaning up the house a bit, I felt a reverence and respect for my baby and the things he teaches me daily. I retired to my quiet bedroom and pondered the phrase that has been in the back of my mind for some time. "I am not my body." My body is not me, but rather my partner, my friend. I am a person who feeds off of good relationships. What kind of relationship do I have with my body? Do I respect it? Honor it? Am I proud to call it mine?

I love myself, don't get me wrong. I am confident and happy and know I have a lot to offer the world. But when I look in the mirror, I don't love what I see. I feel frustrated. I am critical. I am mad it's taking me so long to lose the baby weight. But it's not even the extra weight that bothers me. I've been skinny several times before-- and my relationship with my body has always been a disappointing one. I can always find something I want to change, something that just isn't how I want it to be. I expect too much from it and it will never be able to please me.

And then I made a mental list of all the wonderful things my body has done for me. It's given me 31 years of happy memories. I've never had a broken bone or a major surgery. I don't get sick often. I am strong. I can jump and skip and run with my children. Oh YES! My children! This wonderful, fantastic, amazing body of mine has given me four beautiful children! It went through miscarriages and fought to carry and nurture my most prized possessions, my boys. It has been so good to me. And I am not respecting it or treating it as I should.

I thought of my body as an abused friend, one that has worked hard and been obedient since the beginning.... only to be scolded and ridiculed by it's owner. I wouldn't treat a stray dog in such a way. How could I be so cruel to something who has only been good to me? A friend would never nitpick or criticize constantly.. and if they did, they wouldn't be a friend for long. How can I ask for forgiveness? Will it accept my apology?

I laid very quiet and listened to my heart beating steadily in my chest. I breathed slowly and felt my lungs fill up with air. I wiggled my fingers and toes. I thought of my soft skin.. the skin that stays soft even though I don't care for it properly. I pictured my freckled face-- the one that never gets washed at night but remains acne-free. "I am not my body." My body is, in fact, a temple, a priceless gift. I best treat it right and love it for what it is. It is beautiful and good and strong.

And then I told my body THANK YOU. "Thank you for putting up with me all these years. Thank you for working so hard without any appreciation. Thank you for not only bearing my children, but giving me the energy to keep up with them. I will repay you by being more aware, by giving you the nourishment and exercise that is needed. I will try my best not to be critical and judgmental. I will love you for what you are."

What kind of relationship do you have with your body?

Are you treating it kindly and respectfully?

Do you recognize all that it does for you?

How can you show your appreciation for the body you have been given?

The Halloween countdown...

I am not going to tell you how much I love Halloween... because you already know.

I am not going to tell you that you're lame for not dressing up because it's not for everyone. And I don't like to judge people just because they're un-fun.

I am going to tell you that we've narrowed down our list of costume ideas. And we're getting excited!!

We're doing a family theme this year... because my kids came up with it themselves and it's the only way I can convince my (un-fun) husband to join in the festivities.

In order to pull it off without spending a lot of money, I am going to need to pull out my trusty sewing machine and get to work. I haven't used it since last October....

If I can't convince my man to join the club, I will have to do fallback on some runner-up ideas.

For this reason, I am holding my first POLL.

Listed the the right are a few costume ideas we've discussed. Vote if you want. Don't if you don't. The results may or may not have an effect on what we decide to do.

If you have any other crazy, spectacular costume ideas.... do share!

oh! the places we go!

On Friday, just hours after my sister and her girls left us, we packed up our minivan and drove to AZ. We spent GC weekend with my MIL & FIL.

highlights of the weekend: Grandparents!, enjoying the cool weather- and wearing sweatshirts, picking loads of fresh tomatoes, collecting rocks, garage-sale shopping, Aaron going to Priesthood session with his Dad, visiting with my cousin and seeing her grownup kids, shooting BBguns and slingshots, playing Shrek chess and the Wrong Game, throwing water balloons, laughing about Stan marrying a deaf and blind blond-bombshell, catching toads, being with the wonderful parents that raised my wonderful husband, listening to inspired messages from the leaders of our church.

lowlights of the weekend: Zack throwing up on the drive (and the rest of weekend), listening to the baby scream for HOURS in his carseat, not watching conference because we wanted to visit instead, Simon shoving a sucker stick up his nose so far that it bled profusely, realizing that 375 miles is too far away to live from family.

When we pulled in our driveway at 10 PM last night, Aaron and I turned to each other and smiled. It was exhausting and probably a bit crazy to do last minute, but it was definitely worth it. Life is all about family and making memories together. This weekend was nothing but that.

(too lazy to add pictures... maybe later :)

back to being the single white female.

My sister and her 4 girls drove away about an hour ago. I feel all alone in my female-ness and don't quite know how to catch up... not just on the blog, but on everything-- housework, sleep, laundry, etc. We've spent 7 solid days playing, laughing, touring the city, shopping, cooking, jumping, reading stories, swinging, getting hair cuts, dancing, hiking and swimming. How does one recover from such a week? There are lots of pictures to post and much to write about, but the laundry must get washed and folded first and foremost. We have an important weekend to prepare for.

I can only share a quick collage of 8 good-looking faces. These girls are so silly and hyper! In seven days, we didn't have to break up a single fight between our kids-- and that makes being together so easy. We are all so sad to see them go!

PS. Just need to mention that if Debbie and Brent ever happen to die, Aaron and I get sole custody of these four beauties. Is it wrong to kinda, sorta wish that something would happen to their parents?

PPS. We had a really difficult time choosing the ugliest face of Luke's to put on the collage. This one probably should have made the cut, but the spit-line grossed me out too much.... (check out the size of those hands and that tongue! eww!)

PPPS. Happy birthday to my wonderful grandma Roma. We are thinking of and missing her today.