every little thing is gonna be alright.

Yesterday was a really hard day.  I felt completely unmotivated.  I felt like giving up.  But after I wrote out my frustrations out on the blog, my mindset changed and the fog separated.  It was as though I could see my life in a timeline of happy vs. hard times and I knew I was stronger because of all of the struggles.  I laid back down in bed with a new momentum.  My thoughts led me down a path of examining my most stressful experiences over the past 15 or so years (I do not naturally stress easily and cannot think of a time before college when I was overwhelmed... ) so life got "hard" for me at 19.  Going through these bullet points in my life made me realize that I am blessed for having an easy childhood and really believing that it will all work out in the end.  Here are a few times in my life when I felt a lot like I do right now--

Getting mono 6 months before getting engaged.  18 college credits, three honors classes and a demanding church calling..  I was SO stressed about my grades and knew I would lose my scholarship without a 3.8.  That semester I got a 4.0.  I would never have predicted a 4.0 was even possible during my darkest hours.  God provided in a major way and no one can tell me otherwise.  Those finals I took and papers I wrote when I was sick were literally miracles from heaven.  I felt so alone that semester, but I was being watched over by angels.

Getting engaged at 20.  I didn't even really know this guy!  We had no car, no money, no plan for the future.  I was stressed out of my mind.  I wish I could have told myself how lovely our marriage would be and what a great husband and father he would become.  If I could tell myself anything, I would say, "plow straight ahead and don't question your heart."  We figured everything out as it came to us.  We were able to get through college without a single student loan and save enough to pay cash for our first car (a tradition we've kept throughout our marriage.) And we had zero adjustment period to married life.  It was so much easier than I imagined it would be.

Ben's pregnancy. I was so excited to have a baby, but I was working full-time and in school full-time.  I was throwing up every.single.day.  I literally prayed my way through that pregnancy.  I can think of so many times when I would be walking on campus, just begging God to help me get through the hour.  It all worked out just fine and this boy is my lifesaver.  I honestly cannot imagine how I would have survived without him.

Luke's pregnancy. I had my second baby in the middle of my final semester in college.  He was born on a Monday and I went back to class on Wednesday.  stressful, for sure, but he was the EASIEST baby and let me do whatever I needed.  I didn't expect that during his pregnancy, I was imagined me up all night with a screaming child and then falling asleep in my classes.  It's amazing how we picture the future as worst-case scenario when it never really gets that bad.  Maybe that's what made Luke so easy is that I was expecting him to be terrible.

Zack's pregnancy.  I am starting to see a pattern here.  But I can't even tell you how stressed I was about this pregnancy..  (we got pregnant on birth control, btw.)  Having three babies while my husband was in law school was insane!  Aaron was so busy in school, serving as EQ president and working at a law firm in Spokane.  Being away from a support system, in a freezing winter, with really no friends, not even my busy husband was too much for me.  This really was the lowest point in my life, the first few months Zack was born.  But if I could go back and whisper anything to my young mama-self, I would say, "yep.  this is gonna suck, but this child's energy and optimism will bless your life everyday."  and he has.  

Three miscarriages in three years..  miscarriages are rough.  For me, it was less about the physical and emotional drama and more about the worry that I would never have any more children.  I did get to a point where I accepted where I was-- that maybe my body wouldn't carry any more and I was truly happy with three boys.  I think at that point, I got pregnant with Simon.

Simon's and the girls pregnancies were hard, but not in the same way as the others.  Those miscarriages took me to a new level of awareness.  This was eye opening for me last night.  The stress of my first pregnancies were not as great as the stress of not having any children and therefore, I was able to give up that burden.  IF we chose to have more children, the stress comes more in the decision to get pregnant not in the pregnancy itself.  Once the decision is made, I know I will be able to embrace it.  Kind of sounds and feels like the decision is already made...

So-- there's quite a big jump here, but I can't think of ANYTHING that has stressed me out in the last five years accept for our current situation.  Last night as I was laying in bed, I realized that I've had a long break.  I don't know if that's because I've changed the way I've dealt with stress or because of my experience at Roma's birth, when I felt this overwhelming understanding that life is short and I need to enjoy it while I can, but I haven't let it get to me until now.  And really, not even in the past year of being unemployed or the past 7 months of living with family.  It's really only been the past couple of weeks.  I think Simon's emergency (or the aftermath) is really what put me into a tailspin of frustration, but it didn't take me long to work it out.  I do know that this time will pass.  And if I feel alone, like I did when I was in college and struggling with ALL that was on my plate, I can totally get through this.  I need to just take it a day or hour at a time.  Sooner or later, I will look back and be grateful for the experience.

update on the BUS

Nessie, our big black bus is parked in my sister's rv driveway in the backyard.  We walk past her everyday and so does every client that comes to my sister's hair salon.  Every time I walk past her, I touch her hood and say something to her about how much I love her.  I love my bus.  I know my kids do too.  I think my husband is getting there.

I haven't written an update on the bus because we haven't done ANYTHING to her since day one.  She still remains an empty shell with a few seats up by the driver.  The only thing we've done (besides keep her clean and move big furniture inside) is put a pink seat cover on the driver's chair.  People want an update, but there isn't one, yet.  She's the same as she's always been, and she's still pretty.

I thought I would paint her the first weekend we got her.  I definitely thought we'd add a bunk bed or turn around the benches to face each other (dining area.)  When coming back from our last trip, I thought for SURE we'd at least rip out the flooring and add something smooth and shiny before we take it out again.  And even though I spend a lot of time going over blueprints and plotting out how we want to rebuild her, I haven't had the urge to start yet.  I am not sure why, exactly, but I just don't think it's time to start.  At first I thought I was waiting for my husband's permission to spend more money on her, but he isn't stopping me.  I am just waiting for inspiration to hit.  I mean, I think I know what I want, but I am waiting for it to overpower me.

Another reason I haven't started is because my plans for the bus are big.  After all of my reading and researching, the number one regret people had when converting their bus is that they didn't replace the windows and raise the roof..  and that's what I want to do.  I also want a deck up on top for the kids to sleep outdoors.  I want a party bus for these soon to be teenagers of mine and I that's what we're going to build.  But I don't feel a rush to do it.  It will come with time and money and inspiration..  

Until then, we are going to travel in it as is.  Our experimental trip to Moab & the Grand Canyon proved to us that we don't need much more than a comfy mattress and some good books to have an awesome vacation.  What we DO need is better documenting equipment... a nicer video camera and mobile internet access so I can update when I want.   

So, here are a few pictures of what we want to do with the bus.  Raising the roof will be first--  

Carpinteria CA State Beach also known as HEAVEN

Five years ago, we happened upon Carpinteria, CA and we've been addicted ever since. We've made an annual trip back (yes, even during my pregnancies and even during the summer my husband was on crutches.. you must understand that camping and beach walking on crutches is basically impossible, but this place was worth it!  and that's saying a lot...)

I kind of hate advertising how to book this campground because it fills up fast and the more who know about it, the less chance we have of going back to our favorite spots.  But I'm gonna spread the word because it's just too amazing to keep to ourselves. Really, we've been to a lot of beaches and this is top-notch.. and apparently, the safest.

my thirteen year old son makes the prettiest mermaid.

Address: 205 Palm Ave, Carpinteria, CA, 93013
Phone: (805) 968-1033

http://www.parks.ca.gov/?page_id=599

http://www.californiasbestbeaches.com/carpinteria/carpinteria_camping.html


Where to book:  http://www.reserveamerica.com/  You'll need to enter in Carpinteria SB CA (it's outside of Santa Barbara.)  Our favorite loop is the Santa Cruz.  Best spot is site 37-- it's isolated and huge and shaded and right on the beach.  But we love 28 &29 (awesome if you book together and go with another family.)  And really, all the sites on that loop are good.. This last time we were able to show up the day of and book a GROUP site for the price of an individual site because it was open.  We stayed in Plower and it was amazing.  The back side of the Plower site has a bridge and river that flow into the ocean, super fun for the kids!

When to book: 7 months in advance, the month opens up at 8 am.. yes, you need to be on the site early enough to book because they fill up.  But campgrounds open up, so check back often if the week you want is booked!  Also, if you want to go last minute, they do open up the campgrounds the morning of and have a "lottery".  We've ALWAYS been able to show up and get a good spot... however, we go during the week.  Weekends are busy and weekends during the summer are probably not available.  Off season weather is still awesome!  We've been in March, May, June, August and September.  It's basically 80 degrees year around.  The best water temp was in August or September, but our whole family was in the water in March and it was fine!

Cost of the campgrounds: $45-$55 per night.  Beach front are $55 and we love them, but have been equally satisfied with our $45 campsites.  There are flushing toilets, warm water, sinks for bathing babies, coin operated showers, bike trails, fire pits, camp hosts, very close to supermarkets, restaurants and cute shops.. Downside-- there is a train that runs during the day and into the even hours.. it's right by the campground, so that could be annoying for some people, but it was a highlight for our kids.. they love the trains!

The beach is so great that it's worth the $10/day just to park and visit, even if you don't stay the night.  There are plenty of picnic tables on the sand and awesome views of the sunset, year around.  We love the soft sand, tide pools and mild temperatures.  This place has really become our little slice of heaven.

This tree is right where you check in and just at hill of campsite 28.  The picnic table under this tree is where we like to make dinner and watch the sunset (or just hike up and sit to watch it.)  We've done several silohette pictures under this tree over the years..  It's always there to greet us when we arrive and the sunsets are always beautiful, year around.  

Delicate Arch hike at Arches National Canyon

Best advice I have for anyone taking kids up the Delicate Arch--

1. Pack snacks.. or even a full lunch to eat at the top.  And obviously water too.,

2.  Plan for about a 4 hour round trip.  We didn't really stop for breaks and it took us about this long.  

3.  Sunscreen.  We went on a cold day, everyone had jackets.  But we still got sunburned.

4.  Take it slow and easy... you can totally do it!  It's hard, but so worth it once you get to the top.  We loved this hike and all want to go back real soon!

we went to the visitors center before the hike and it was pretty cool.  We decided to watch the 20-minute intro video about erosion. I thought it was kind of dramatic with scary music and thunder, but my boys liked it.  We looked around the gift shop and signed the kids up to be jr rangers before heading up to the Delicate Arch.

the hike was hard-- almost all uphill.  Our little ones did great, but I wish we would have packed more snacks and water.  Everything we brought got devoured at the top and we even had to share with others who didn't bring anything but needed something (low-blood sugar isn't something you mess around with!) so more snacks or a full on lunch would have been smart.

We wouldn't let Roma bring her doll Sally on the trail but we lost the battle when it came to her purple doggie/balloon.  Poor Luke had to carry it in his hood on the way down because she was done with it after an hour or so.  Love this cute family of mine.  

This 5 year old was incredible.  He stopped once for a break and I had to capture it.  He kept telling himself "Never give up.  Never stop moving."  Towards the end, I asked him how he was able to hike so well.  He responded, "When I would get tired, I would tell my brain to send energy to my legs, and then I was fine."  I am telling you, this boy knows something the rest of us are still trying to figure out about listening and talking to our bodies.  He is in tune!

Roma was carried for about 5 minutes on Aaron's shoulders and about 30 seconds on mine.  It was that difficult and uphill that we couldn't carry her for much longer.  She was a trooper, for sure.  especially in that outfit.. a dress, tights and snowboots.  Left her tennis shoes at home.  Oops.  

The 3 mile trail was perfect for this teenager.  He was in front the entire hike and could have lapped us if we would have let him do it twice.  

Luke was amazing with Roma and got her to push it when she didn't have any energy left.  they found a cheetos wrapper on the trail and filled it with sand for her to carry down.  Who knew that's what she needed to keep her excited...? Luke did.

Luke at Zack at the top of the world.  (you can view the delicate arch from this tiny arch on the hiking trail..)

Bedtime convo with my 5 year old about two weeks after the hike--
Simon: I've got this feeling like we really need to go back to the arch.
Me: you think so? 
Him: oh ya. When I turned the corner and saw it standing on that cliff, I was like, "Dang!" Me: It was pretty cool, huh?
Him: yes. It was like I had the best feeling in my heart at the top. 
Me: I felt that way too. You were an amazing hiker that day.
Him: I know, I was. I've just gotta go back.

the majestic Grand Canyon

I don't even think I can put words together to describe the Grand Canyon.  Maybe our expectations were low after leaving Moab..  And maybe at first when we drove up to the visitors center/watch tower in the Grand Canyon, we were kind of like, "Okay, that's cool, but not that cool."  But then the longer we stayed and the more we drove, the more majestic it became.  The loop through the Grand Canyon is what? 30 miles?  And it never stops!  It's just right there for you to pull over and gawk at and even though we already pulled over a dozen times to look at the view, it was like we couldn't help ourselves but get out and be blown away again.  It was so amazing and so unbelievable.  Pictures do not do it justice.  We spent several hours there and didn't hike at all-- it was cold and snowy and we all bundled up with hats and gloves and we had such an unbelievable time together.  The lodge and gift shops were fun.  But the Canyon itself was just.so.Grand and amazing.  I would go back in a heartbeat.  tomorrow, if I could.