invisible string

 

I'm not a die-hard Taylor Swift fan, but when her latest album came out, I listened to it on repeat for weeks.  I have it playing in the background right now as I type.  I am not sure why the song "Invisible Strings" made me so happy, but every time I listen to it, it speaks my love language and how I feel about people.  Of course I am talking about certain relationships, but not really... it's more about how I feel about everyone, all people.  I have such a weird, strange connection to strangers.  I've always thought it was because I am an extrovert, I get energy by being around people, lots of people... football stadiums, concerts, crowds.  I am so energized by being on the Las Vegas Strip because of the people.  I don't care if they are drunk or naked or completely not my type, I just love being around people of all kinds.  I feel connected to them, even if they don't feel connected to me.

After I return home from being with a crowd of people, I can't sleep.  I am so energized and excited and happy.  I have no idea why this happens to me, but I really want to figure out WHY.. I don't even need to talk to anyone in the crowd, I just feel like I can FEEL their good qualities and their talents and abilities and I feel so much love for them and for myself and for this world filled with billions of individuals.  None of us are the same, and yet we all have so much in common.

So anyway, when "Invisible Strings" came out I feel like it made so much sense to me.  We are all connected, some of us the connection seems obvious, but other times it's invisible.  and this invisible string (for me) can never be broken.  I remember specifically thinking about each of my children while listening to this song, Ben was packing up for college and Luke was gearing up for his Senior year in high school and maybe I should have felt a little bit of sadness because they are moving on with their lives and leaving home, all I could feel was SO MUCH EXCITEMENT for what is ahead for them.  they may leave and never think about home again but they don't need to return any of the love because I have enough for them and for myself-- that invisible string of will always be there.  It stretches far and it doesn't interfere with other relationships they have going on.. it connects us no matter where we are, even when we are no longer alive.

This particular weekend that I first heard the song, Aaron and I had a serious discussion around 2am.  It was after a late night of mingling with friends when I had an extreme amount of energy and Aaron was completely drained and just wanted to go home and sleep and not talk anymore about anything.  During these types of conversations, it would seem like we are living on two completely different planets.. Sometimes I wonder if we are compatible and that thought alone will stress me out because what if we can't make our marriage work?? and what if he doesn't love me anymore?? and what if I am not the kind of person he wants to grow old with??  

Listening to "Invisible Strings" this particular weekend allowed me to see how insanely strong our connection is.  Out of all the people I love in the world, I chose to live with him. We continue to choose to create a family and a home together.  We were brought together by the most undeniable forces.  We found each other and tried NOT to date or get married and it was impossible not to create a life together because our connection was so strong.  We literally tried to break it over several conversations and hundreds of miles apart (without cell phones, mind you.) and we joined forces anyway.  I listened to this song and thought about ALL of the reasons why I feel connected to him.  Not because he is similar to me, but because he owns his individuality and I respect that so much about him.  I hummed the lyrics while thinking about Aaron and I knew that nothing can break the invisible string that connects us.  He could decide all of the worst things about me and there is no divorce or death or argument that could keep us from being connected.  I will always love him and appreciate the relationship we have.. the crazy thing about our relationship is that even though we've spent 20 years together, our relationship was so incredibly strong even before we were married.  And yes, we've grown closer and had 7 kids together, but the relationship and the connection is the same as it ever was, unbreakable.  

I could go through each of my children, or each of my siblings, or each of my husband's siblings and our parents and grandparents and talk about the connection I have with them.  And there are countless friends... really special connections that I can't explain why or how, they are just really important to me, even if we don't keep in touch anymore.  But the hardest thing for me to explain is the connections I feel to strangers, those people you meet only once but strike up a conversation that is meaningful.. the advice you get from someone randomly or the mentor you find in an author.. or the power you feel while watching a television show.  Which brings me to facebook and Instagram and celebrities and influencers and all the connections we feel through social media.  People say it's fake and it's not real connection, but I have to disagree.  We are constantly forming invisible strings with people and they are having a real impact on our lives.  I have absolutely LOVED being able to connect with so many random people through blog writing and social media photos and captions.  It may only be a small portion of my day to day interactions, but it's still important to me and you bring light and love and energy into my soul.  How amazing is it that a beautiful, blonde, unmarried guitar player could write a song (about an old boyfriend, I am sure) that could make me feel so connected to her and to everyone within reach... and how amazing is it that our arms reach is all across the world?

I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else or if you feel invisibly connected to your loved ones and random strangers alike, but I would recommend listening to "Invisible Strings" by Taylor Swift and think about all of the people that you love.  We don't need others to love us back... all we need to do is feel it for ourselves and start to see the invisible connections we have with others.  

Sending you all love and power in your relationships.  If we aren't already invisibly connected, I hope we realize how much we are connected soon! 

xoxo.  

PS.  I am thinking about starting a podcast called Invisible Strings.  Anyone know a good editor?  I just want to record and then hire someone else to edit and publish.  I have seven kids to feed and zero recording studios.  

Invisible String on YouTube

Lyrics

Green was the color of the grass
Where I used to read at Centennial Park
I used to think I would meet somebody there
Teal was the color of your shirt
When you were sixteen at the yogurt shop
You used to work at to make a little money

Time, curious time
Gave me no compasses, gave me no signs
Were there clues I didn't see?
And isn't it just so pretty to think
All along there was some
Invisible string
Tying you to me?
Ooh

Bad was the blood of the song in the cab
On your first trip to LA
You ate at my favorite spot for dinner
Bold was the waitress on our three year trip
Getting lunch down by the lakes
She said I looked like an American singer

Time, mystical time
Cuttin' me open, then healin' me fine
Were there clues I didn't see?
And isn't it just so pretty to think
All along there was some
Invisible string
Tying you to me?
Ooh

A string that pulled me
Out of all the wrong arms right into that dive bar
Something wrapped all of my past mistakes in barbed wire
Chains around my demons, wool to brave the seasons
One single thread of gold tied me to you

Cold was the steel of my axe to grind
For the boys who broke my heart
Now I send their babies presents
Gold was the color of the leaves
When I showed you around Centennial Park
Hell was the journey but it brought me heaven

Time, wondrous time
Gave me the blues and then purple pink skies
And it's cool, baby, with me
And isn't it just so pretty to think
All along there was some
Invisible string
Tying you to me?

Happy two years, sciatica

It’s 3am and I’m awake with sciatic pain. As I tossed trying to find a comfortable position for my numb and tingling leg, it dawned on me that I hit my two year anniversary without acknowledging it had been two official years. The first year was devastating. One whole year without any feeling or sensation in my leg. One year of constant pins and needles. I couldn’t fathom it and every milestone I felt more heartbroken that I wasn’t better. Year two was much easier. The anniversary came and went without any mourning. Part of that is because my symptoms have improved (no more electrocution when I step on my foot) and part of it is because I’ve fully embraced chronic pain as a part of my life, realizing that I will be okay if I never recover. What a crazy two years it has been. I can honestly look back and say that I’m grateful for where it has taken me. Truth is, it’s hardly taken me anywhere, but it has slowed me down and turned me into a different kind of person and I like her. I absolutely love my life.

I had a hysterectomy in November. It was a good experience. Recovery was quick and easy. I was up on my feet in a couple of days and have yet to feel the slump of energy or exhaustion that they warned me about. I’ve only had two weird experiences that are still a mystery I’m hoping will work itself out. In late December I woke up in the middle of the night with the worst kind of sickness. I was nauseous and cramping and I thought I might be dying. I laid by the toilet for a couple of hours before driving myself to the ER around 2am. I was probably not well enough to drive myself but, I didn’t want to wake my husband. When you’re a constant burden to those around you, asking for more help is unbareable. Once I got on the road, I realized I didn’t have my wallet, so I drove to the hospital where I had surgery because I was pretty sure they’d admit me without ID. They did and they diagnosed me with kidney stones until the CT scan came back clear. They gave me medicine for a urinary tract infection and sent me on my way. Before the testing, nurses came to give me morphine for the pain and I turned it down because I wanted to drive myself home. After the clear CAT scan I was elated.. walking out of that hospital at 4am was one of the happiest moments of my life. I crawled into bed next to my warm husband (who didn’t realize I was gone) and fell asleep on cloud nine, no morphine needed. I was naturally high knowing I wasn’t dying.

Last weekend I started peeing blood. I passed about 25 blood clots (about the size of a quarter.. so painful!) that first morning and was able to see my doctor by the afternoon. My urine cultures came back clear but they treated me for a UTI and I’m waiting to see a urologist. Seeing my urine come out the color of cranberry juice literally freaked me out. It has since cleared and I’m hoping it’s signs of kidney stones and not something more serious.

Two years ago I was suicidal. The intensity and shock of the nerve pain was so extreme that my body was begging to die. My dreams were all about death, sometimes nightmares that would include me killing my kids so they wouldn’t have to grow up without a mom. In my dreams I would drive my van off cliffs and into lakes with everyone in their seat belts. i would wake up in a cold sweat. I was afraid to go to sleep at night. I took antidepressants and sleeping pills, but medication seemed to make my dreams more intense and lucid. My mind seemed rational during the day but at night the pain would take over and it felt like my body was begging to die. I am so grateful I was able to talk to my husband and doctors during this disturbing time. The dreams went away just before Gabe’s first birthday and I think that’s when I started to recover emotionally and physically.

I’m writing on my phone and I can’t see what I’m typing anymore. For some reason my screen won’t scroll down so I’ll stop here. Just wanted to send my blog some love and recognize that I made it two years. 24 months. 700+ days.. I legit can’t tell you what 365 + 365 = right now, but that’s how many days I’ve lived with chronic pain, all one day at a time. I should be frustrated that I can’t sleep tonight (I’ve got a full day tomorrow with little to no chance of a break) but my heart is literally so full of joy and gratitide, I needed to document it. Life is brutal and so freaking beautiful.

Bedtime LOVE

I can't believe it's the LAST day of January.  How did that happen? It's 6 am in Vegas and I've been up for a while.  Usually at this time I would be bundled up on my balcony watching the sun come up, but my hair is damp from a 5 am bubble bath, so I'm going to watch it cuddled up in my bed.  And I've missed blogging so here I am.

I get asked if I am still a PARENTING COACH and the answer is YES!  What I do is actually more of a life coach, because we can use techniques for anything you're struggling, not just relationships with your kids.  I am not an expert, but I do believe that looking at the situation with fresh eyes and applying the tools I have can improve any situation or relationship.  Anyway, if you need a kickstart to your February or struggle feeling motivated, reach out to me. I am really hoping to start some group coaching soon, because so many of our issues are related.  Until then, I am going to do a few parenting blog posts.  Email me your parenting questions (janetleeshumway@gmail.com) and I will give you my best advice.  And then we can all learn from each other.

I'm going to pick a general topic today--  BEDTIME!

Bedtime is a struggle because everyone is tired and grumpy.  We've had a long day and we just want the kids to get in bed and stay there.  Unfortunately, most of time our cute little kids hit the pillow after they've been yelled at, spanked or scolded.  and then we go to sleeping feeling like a bad parent.  It's not fair that we try hard all day to be nice and patient and then we lose it all at bedtime.  No one wants to fall asleep on a negative note.  So let's change that.

Bedtime doesn't have to be a bad experience.  I know it is a lot of the time, but we have all the power in our own hands to make it magical and a time where we can connect with our kids.  With just a few simple changes both you and your kids can go to sleep feeling better about your day and your relationship with each other.  But you have to put in a little effort.

My simple advice is to change YOUR attitude about bedtime.  Stop thinking about it in a negative way.  Try to see it as the most magical time of your day and plan for it to be that way.  It's not going to go smoothly every night, but you are the creator of the environment in your home.  I LOVE  bedtime.. I start planning for it as soon as I wake up because I love it that much. 😜

What do you want your bedtime environment to look like?  Start creating a more peaceful environment.  Maybe that's by lighting a candle and bringing it into your kids bedrooms and letting it flicker while you say goodnight to them.  Maybe that's buying a diffuser and dropping a couple of nightime oils and make the room smell good.  Maybe it's putting on quiet, peaceful music and humming along as you set out school clothes for the next day.  Maybe it's reading the same book every night.  Or talking about the best part of your day.  Or taking a moment to tickle your child's back.  If you get annoyed that they want a drink or a snack or whatever, plan for it in advance!  Put a drink of water next to their bed and watch their eyes light up when you tell them Yes!  of course you can get a drink.  In fact, I got one for you!  Not everyone will let their kids drink before bedtime, but you get what I am saying.  My daughter seems to get really testy at bedtime, so I have to spend extra time with her.  She loves having curls in her hair, so I try to make time to put in rollers and talk with her about her day.  If you've got a relationship with a child that is strained right now think of something kind for them you can do at bedtime.  if you;re waking on eggshells and everything you say or do backfires, stick a love note under their pillow.

The truth is, as parents we project our negative feelings about bedtime onto our kids.  They want attention and love and connection.  Usually we don't want to give it because we are tired.  But if you go into it trying to love and connect with them, it will change your world.  Wake up with the intention to make your bedtime routine a good one.  Plan ahead, think of ways YOU can make it more peaceful and loving and then start getting excited for it!  When you are excited and happy and patient, your kids will follow your lead.  Maybe not right away, but eventually.  Keep working at it until you've created what you want.

And obviously, nothing goes as planned.  But go with the flow.  Try to stay relaxed and open to connection.  Look at your kids in the eyes.  Lay down by them for a few minutes.  Make the effort because it's so worth it.  But don't beat yourself up if it turns out to be a disaster.  Parenting is not about being perfect, or having perfect kids.  It's about showing up and looking for opportunities to help one another.  Bedtime is the perfect opportunity for love and connection.  and as you improve day by day your confidence levels will rise.  You are the right parent for your child.  They are in your home for a reason. Learn from each other.

Take some time today to think of reasons why you love your kids and let them know at bedtime!  As you are adjusting to new bedtime routines, plan for a little extra time.  So start earlier if you can or take a little nap today so you will be more rested at the end of the day.

Good luck and let me know if you see any changes in your home!

PS.  You don't have to have young kids to improve your bedtime routine.  If you're kids are grown or you've got a bedroom to yourself, upgrade your environment to make things more peaceful!  Straighten up, light some candles, turn on good music and plug your cell phones somewhere away from your bed!

This cotton candy sunrise is happening outside my bedroom window.  I'm already looking forward to the sunset!

post back surgery

Hey!  I just recorded a video about my back surgery and tried to put it on youtube.  It's uploading, but it says it won't be finished for 167 hours.  We'll see if that ever happens.  And while I'm sitting in bed and not feeling tired (and not working on a family book project) I thought I should write up a few things about my experience.

I went into surgery completely educated, knowing what could possibly go wrong.  I was willing to take any chances because I didn't know what else I could do.  Since the moment my sciatic nerve was pinched in February, I have very little (to no) improvement in my nerve pain.  My numbness has gotten a little better, but really only in my big toe.  If I had seen gradual improvement or more feeling in my foot, I would have put off surgery longer.  The average recovery time for a pinched nerve is 9 months.  I had been through 6 months of constant tingling and pain and didn't want to do three more (or another 6) so we scheduled surgery.

I was at the hospital the day before for several hours.  They did a bunch of blood work and ran another EKG.  I went home feeling good, even excited for the next day.  I really wasn't expecting all of my pain to go immediately, but I had heard enough stories of people who came out of surgery pain free, so I was hopeful.  I wasn't able to sleep a wink the night before.  I was in a lot of pain (and I was excited) so sleep didn't happen.  Heading to the hospital the next morning, I had the thought that my pain level was at an all time high.  Sitting in the car or on a hard chair has been the worst position for me..  Standing is a little better, but I've spent about 23 hours a day lying in a bed. The thought of being able to walk or sit without pain was so exciting to me!

Everything seemed smooth at the hospital.  My surgeon came in energetic at 6 am.  He told me that an emergency had come up that morning and he tried to get himself out of it so he didn't have to make me wait any longer.  Two anesthesiologists were present along with a neuro-therapist.  My nurses were the last two people I saw before being put out and the first two voices I heard while waking up.

After surgery, but before I was able to open my eyes, I thought my body was on fire.  I remember everything pitch black, I was unable to move or speak or see.  I could hear the voices around me, but the only thing I could concentrate on was my body screaming at me.  I was out of control on the inside, but literally couldn't move or scream.  My nurses said that I had streams of tears coming down both cheeks before I opened my eyes.  I totally believe that.  It seemed like I was screaming in pain for about ten minutes before I was able to talk, but I highly doubt is was that long.  All I know is that my brain was working and I was trying to talk my body out of being so mad at me.  This is going to sound terrible, but the only thing I possibly compare the situation to (and this has never happened to me before, so please forgive me if it's nothing like it.) But it felt like I had been given a date rape drug and while I was out, someone violated my body in a major way, set me of fire and then left me alone.  It was traumatizing..  The first question they asked me after so woke up was my pain level 1-10 and I said FOURTEEN. (Right before Gabe was born someone asked my pain level and I told them a 5.  I would still agree with both of those levels now.. Having a baby is nothing like being on fire from the inside.)

Obviously I had lots of drugs in my system.. So much that I couldn't move and I could barely talk.  But in my experience, pain killers have not been able to calm down my nerves.  So while I was sobbing, they kept trying to give me more stuff.   I don't actually remember most of what was going on because I was focusing so much on breathing.  But I do remember laughing really hard because there was a woman next to me behind a curtain who kept telling me to stop crying.  "Stop crying, Friend.  Please don't cry anymore."  Aaron was pretty sure it was a little boy (and there was no possible way.) So we made a bet and Aaron stood on a chair and peek over the curtain.  It was a middle aged woman.  I only have memories of this because I filmed it.  I was laughing so hard and simultaneously crying, so recording it seemed like the right thing to do.

I had an empty stomach and after two or three hours of sobbing (and feeling no relief) They finally decided to wheel me upstairs and get me situated in a room so I could get some food.  Aaron told me later that there was some kind of mix-up and they took me to three different rooms, finally to go back to the place we started.  All I remember is that when they started to move me, I had to throw up.. but I didn't have anything in my stomach, so I was dry-heaving.  And then they spun my bed around in circles and it was impossible to not scream.  I asked them to leave me alone and stop spinning my bed around.  The cute nurse (a guy) was so kind and apologized several times.  I felt bad that I was his patient that day.

Once we got into a real room, I tried standing up.  I really shouldn't have, but I thought I was on fire, and I needed to move around.  The first thing I did was rip off all of my clothes.  Aaron wasn't laughing at the time, but now that we think back and remember, it's funny.  I went into the bathroom to throw up in the toilet, and then I saw the shower. I felt like I was burning to death so a cold shower sounded heavenly, but Aaron said no way.   I asked if I could lay down naked on the bathroom floor and Aaron said no.  I was tied to an IV pole, I had no clothes on and I had a huge incision and bandage on my back.  Aaron coaxed me to get back in bed and kept trying to cover me with a sheet or my hospital robe, but I kept tearing them off.  Every time a nurse or doctor came in, I am sure they thought I was a crazy person.

I don't really think I was talking.  I don't talk much when I am in labor (unless someone asked me a questions directly.)  There were many times when I asked Aaron to tell everyone how I was feeling.  Can't they see I am in too much pain to converse?!  When the attending doctor came in and asked how I was doing, apparently I asked him how I could die.  All I wanted to do was die.  Aaron said that the doctor scribbled notes and turned to the nurses to put me on suicide watch.  That's kind of funny now, thinking about Aaron watching the whole thing play down.  A new doctor (the nurses later told us he was brand spanking new) and a naked wife who wants to die.  At some point I asked Aaron what he was going to do with me.  He smiled and said, "If you don't shape up soon, I am sending back home and your parents can take care of you."  That made me laugh out loud.  I know Aaron was stressed, but he seemed to know what to say to me, and for that I am so grateful.

My temperature was normal, but I felt like I was burning up.  So we turned the AC in my room to the coldest possible temp.  Everyone was freezing but me.  My cute friend came to sleep with me in the hospital that night and she had a few blankets.  I remember sleeping that night and wanting to lay down on the tile.  Stop, drop and roll.  I was dying for a cold shower too, but I don't think it would have made a difference.  My nerves were overreacting and not much could calm them down.

The night was rough.  I was delusional.  I didn't take any sleeping meds because most of that will affect Gabe and I am nursing.  So I woke up a lot.  I was SO SO grateful to have my friend Evalyn with me.  She stayed up most of the night and kept asking me questions.  Talking really seemed to get my mind off of things.  Around 3 am she fell asleep and I remember staring at the ceiling, wondering what could have possibly gone wrong.  That night, once my nerves had settled down a little, I noticed my left arm was burning and numb, a lot like my leg, but not as intense.  I didn't think too much of it at the time because honestly my entire body was hurting.  Funny enough, the back incision has never actually hurt me.  I haven't noticed or needed any pain meds for it.  I think if my nerve pain was less occupying, my back would hurt more.

I am two weeks and two days post surgery.  My nerve pain is back to where it was before I went into the hospital.  Super annoying, but now I know it can be worse, so I am grateful I can manage it.  My arm has never had feeling in it since I came home.  My hand and fingers are okay, but my elbow up to my armpit are killing.  It hurts to touch, but at least I don't have to put weight on it.  My leg is so much more of a problem.

I saw my surgeon last week.  We had lots of follow up tests and my spine looks good.  There is really no reason I still have constant nerve pain.  I talked to my doctor about my arm and he doesn't believe me.  I mean, he's a back surgeon and he did his job, but it feels like that visit was the end of the road for us.  I made an appointment with a neurologist and we'll see what they say.  My surgeon wants me to give the recovery a full 6 weeks and see if there are any changes.  Of course I will.  What else can I do but hope for improvement?

Since being home I've tried some emotional/energy work to see if this was happening for some other reason than physical.  I didn't really feel like it was something I needed before surgery, but the trauma at the hospital and not feeling any better made me feel like it was worth doing.  I found an energy worker who is certified in the Body Code.  I also made a video about my experience, but I really cannot believe that this stuff is for real.  I mean, I do think it can help you through emotional issues, but I don't see how it can really help when youre sick with a physical problem.  I was really hoping she would sense that I had a virus (I had just started reading about EBV and it made a lot of sense to me!)  But most of what she said was hard to relate to.  The oddest part was when she went through emotions that were passed on through generations.  She felt that I had an evil spirit (who was related to me) who has been haunting me.  She said the words that came to her were "I won't leave you alone."  Hmm.  She tried casting this spirit out and said I should feel better.  I hung up the phone trying to be open, but the more I thought about it, the more it sounds like voodoo.  I really hope I dont have an evil Grandpa haunting me.  If so, the conversation I have with him after I die won't be pretty.
I've had a lot of bizarre experiences over the past 6 months and I've met some really, really interesting people.  Most of the time I leave the doctors office and cry the rest of the day.  It's emotional spending all day talking to someone who can't help you.  I hate getting babysitters or leaving my kids at home and the worst is I have to sit in the waiting room.  Instructions after surgery were to limit sitting time to 30 minutes a day.  Okay, well don't make me wait for 90 minutes in your office, then.  But the time in the waiting room is also special.  I get to talk to so many people who have similar issues.  Most of these people are white-haired and wrinkled, but I really related to them and feel bad they have to deal with this.  I feel bad for myself too, that I am so young, but usually I cry because I am grateful that I don't have other issues and that my family is so supportive.

That's all for now.  My kids keep trying to talk to me.  I will try to post the videos if they ever download.  I really wish I could find someone out there who was going through a similar situation.  I really tried to be prepared for surgery, but I am not sure how you prepare for that.  I think I have done pretty well processing it afterward.  I can look back and laugh at it and feel really grateful that its behind me.  If I could go back in time, I can't imagine not getting surgery, so I kind of feel like it's meant to be.  I plan to be a therapist someday and if ever anyone says they want to die or they are in so much pain they can't handle it anymore, I know exactly how that feels.  Hopefully I will know how to help them.

 Aaron took a TON of pictures at the hospital.  I was so annoyed at him (he never takes photos, ever!)  But now I think it's hilarious and I am glad I have them.  They are on his computer, so I will have to add them later.

Until next time.  Happy weekend.

the Epstein-Barr Virus "hit me like a truck". Several times, actually.

If you've seen me in person or talked to me over the phone you know I am obsessed with this book. I would recommend reading the whole thing, cover to cover. But here's an article with a chapter specifically about the Epstein-Barr Virus. It knocked my socks off.
http://goop.com/the-medical-medium-and-whats-potentially-at-the-root-of-medical-mysteries/

Here are my own stages of the stages of EBV.  There are several more experiences I could highlight, but these are the most significant.

Stage 1-- When I was a little girl I used to wake up in the middle of the night with aching joints.  I thought my ankles and knees were cold, so I would put double and triple pairs of socks and climb in bed with my parents.  I don't remember the aches and pains going away once i got warm, but it seemed like it happened more when I was cold.. I can't tell you how often it would happen, but I would guess once or twice a year, for two to three nights in a row.  I also have memories of trying to do push-ups in elementary school and collapsing because my wrists were in so much pain.  But then the following week, they would be totally fine.  (This problem with my joints still happens to me now, probably once a month, but only for a day or two.  It usually goes away with some ibuprofen and a nap.)

Stage 2-- My sophomore year of college I was minding my own business, enjoying the social life and then one day, BAM!  I was struck down with mononucleosis.  It was literally as though I had been hit by a truck.  I was sleeping for 20 hours a day, at least.  I never got out of bed and even packed most of my stuff and went home, planning to withdraw from school.  I didn't, though.  In hopes of getting better in a couple of weeks, I toughened up and went back to school.  Unfortunately, I didn't get better for a solid 6 months.  It was one of the hardest experiences of my young adult life.  After I got married (about 6 months after I recovered) I went to the doctor again because I thought I had relapsed... I was working full time and going to school and could not get my act together.  Luckily, that exhaustion seemed to last only a few weeks and then I was back to my energetic self.  I worked after Ben and Luke were born and even though I was a busy young mom, I had energy to spare.

Stage 3-- After my third baby was born, I experienced what I thought was post-partum depression.  I was SO extremely tired and couldn't seem to wake up in the morning.  If my kids would have let me, I would have taken 6 hour naps.  I was so tired.  I went to the doctor and they said I was depressed, but I didn't feel sad.  I wasn't emotional.  I was just really tired.  All kinds of blood tests were done and they said my blood sugar was always low, so I needed to eat more often.  But every time I had a snack, I would crash again.  When Zack was about 1 year old, I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis.  Two different doctors in two different states confirmed the diagnosis.  I was sad, but grateful to finally have a name for it.  On my very first visit to the Rheumologist (is that a word?) I was told that there was no way I had RA.  I was mis-diagnosed and was sent home without any explanation.  I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know what.  Over the next 3 years I had a series of 3 miscarriages.  When Simon was born 4 years after Zack I was really worried about experiencing post-partum depression, but other than a few weepy weeks, I actually felt great.  I was back to my normal self after getting adequate rest and exercise.  I had no issues with either of my girls pregnancies or post-deliveries.

Stage 4-- after the birth of my seventh baby, I was on top of the world.  My pregnancy was tiring, but I felt good.  I went over my due date, delivered my own baby and felt so good.  Two days after he was born, I remember thinking that it didn't even feel like I had a baby.  I did have some aches and pains in my hip and a little numbness in my foot, which was something I had never experienced before.  Three weeks after he was born, while walking down the stairs, I collapsed in the worst pain I've ever felt.  I was unable to move or even breath.  The nerves in my right leg were on fire.  I went to the ER, followed up by five thousand doctor appointments.  The pain in my nerves was constant, at a level of a 8 (childbirth is like a 5.) and this burning sensation never went away.  There were no professional who could help, until I saw an orthopedic surgeon who told me that although risky, back surgery to remove a herniated disc was the best way for me to recover. Less than two weeks ago, I came out of back surgery in the absolute worst pain I've ever been in.  I was throwing up, sobbing and telling the doctors I wanted to die.  I was literally burning up from the inside.  I ripped off all of my clothes, turned the air up in my hospital room to freezing temperatures and cried for 12 hours.  I don't even remember most of that experience, only that I described my pain level at a 14.  It makes me laugh that I didn't say 100, but 14 was the best way I could describe it.  If childbirth was a 5, typical never pain an 8, then 14 was out of this world.  Two weeks later, I would say my pain level is back at an 8.  When I feel like crying, I remember what a 14 feels like and I feel grateful.

I am not saying I didn't need back surgery.  I believe it was the best route for me, but I think my problem is much bigger (or smaller) than a herniated disc.  This article and the book "Medical Medium" is the most logical explanation to what I've been experiencing.  I have had every single stage of the EBV evolution, in the order explained.  I truly believe this guy is on to something when talking about "medical mysteries."  I tried talking to my health care professionals about having a virus and they think I'm crazy.  But you know what is crazy?  Continuing to take medication that does not work for me.  If I could total up the number of hours and dollars i've spent on medical staff who have no idea what to tell me, I could feel frustrated.  But i don't.  This is my path for a reason, and I know I am going to get to the bottom of it.  I know I will get better.

So, if you're interested, read THIS awesome article.  Then read his books.  And then message me, I'd love to talk to you about it!