on being a mommy

I dealt with my first "real" public tantrum yesterday. I realize this is a little late in motherhood for me to experience this, but after two really good boys, I got a crazy one. Zack has had plenty of tantrums at home, but never one out in public. We went to Cafe Rio to meet daddy for lunch. Zack wanted to go to Taco Bell instead (even though he loves Cafe Rio and could eat an adult-sized meal himself.) When I parked the car, he said he wasn't getting out. So we left him there. Eventually he came in the restaurant, but he was screaming-- and he wouldn't stop. I had four kids... two of them were babies. Aaron didn't join us for a while and Zack was inconsolable. I completely ignored him, which fueled the fire. Aaron eventually told him he was going to ask other parents in the restaurant if they could take him home with them because he wasn't allowed in either of our cars. It was the only thing that got him to settle down after 45 solid minutes of screaming. Apparently threats work with this kid. He was happy-go-lucky for a polar bear fieldtrip at the mall. Then it was a trip inside Walmart, a nap for the baby, and an exciting evening of scouts. The day was long and even though I was completely exhausted, my lamp wasn't off until after midnight. oy.

My alarm rang at 4:45 this morning... Aaron and I put on our running shoes and hit the road. The red sun peeked over the mountains and it looked as though a volcano was erupting in the far off desert. I was so happy to be out with my man-- and was grateful it was cooler than 110 degrees. The 1/2 marathon is just over a week away and I am getting anxious. We were supposed to go 10 miles this morning and I was determined to run like the wind. But a couple of miles into the run, I got a terrible headache. It was so bad that I had to sit down on the pavement and hold my head. I was honestly afraid that I was going to pass out. Aaron sat next to me and waited patiently for 20 minutes or so. When I felt well enough to stand up again, he held my hand and we walked home. I felt frustrated and defeated. My body wanted to run, but my head wanted to explode. As we walked home, I said to myself, "Why didn't the television show work out for me? Too bad I haven't heard anything. If I was still in the running for my own show, I wouldn't have to run this stupid marathon...." And just as I was feeling defeated, an answer came. It was clear and penetrated through my terrible headache. It said, "What you're doing is more powerful and important than any tv show. You are most influential as a mother." And I knew it was true.

Dealing with tantrums, cleaning up messes, kissing dirty knees, making home-cooked meals and folding laundry is pretty darn important. That doesn't mean it's easy. It's just after 8 pm and I am exhausted. My headache hasn't let up much and my baby is crying himself to sleep. He never does that anymore, but he's super sleepy and so is me. I just popped a couple of tylenol PM and I am heading straight to bed. Yeah for nighttime!!!

I am leaving you with a short message on motherhood. It may not touch you the way it touched me today, but you may need to come back to it on a difficult day. This motherhood stuff IS HARD! But it's worth it. then. now. forever.