not this cute anymore!Lately I am having a hard time finding a balance between doing absolutely nothing and doing way too much. Why does it have to be one or the other? Yesterday I went to bed so disappointed in myself. I had a list of things that really needed to be done (my fridge was completely empty, my house cluttered, etc.) I woke up with the best intentions, but I literally could not find ANY motivation in my pregnant body. The entire day passed without a thing getting done. When Aaron called to say he was on his way home, I almost started crying. He asked what was wrong and I told him that in order for me to make dinner, I would need some groceries. He told me to give him a list over the phone, but the list was so long that I ended up meeting him at the store. I filled up our cart as he kept the kids entertained and that was the ONLY productive thing I did all day. We had pizza for dinner and called it good. I went to bed feeling like a loser.
This morning I wouldn't allow another day like that. So-- I scrubbed my kitchen, loaded the dishwasher twice, vacuumed underneath the couches, got out the upholstery cleaner and scrubbed every cushion, swept down the stairs, cleaned out the boys closets, organized my files, got caught up with church responsibilities, drilled holes in my kitchen cabinets (handles for the drawers, knobs for the cupboards), scrubbed the toilets, vacuumed out my car, dusted everything, folded laundry, put clean sheets on all the beds, made pizza with the kids for lunch, had dinner in the oven by 3 (green chili enchiladas, black beans, brown rice and cilantro to spare), set the table by 4, was showered and clean by 5, ate with the family at 6, and was ready for visiting teaching at 7. Aaron went to play basketball at 8 and instead of putting the kids to bed, we tipped our spotless couches on their sides, made a ginormous fort, popped popcorn AND tried out a new recipe for homemade ice cream. I should feel be very proud of myself, but I am frustrated because I want to find some kind of balance in my life. Why does it have to be all or nothing? Am I bipolar? No, seriously.
My poor kids don't know what to do with me either. One day I am all party and games and the next I work them like slaves. They had a little bit of a break today, but I made them gut their rooms from top to bottom. Ben and Luke are great little helpers-- I could not survive without them at my heals asking how they can help. But Zack, on the other hand, is such a lazy child. I seriously don't know how to motivate him. Today they were all able to earn 2 solid hours of computer time.. Zack (who l.o.v.e.s playing lego star wars) wasn't having it. While Ben and Luke were playing, I helped him put all his toys in a pile. I could have easily put them away for him, but it was SO easy that I knew he could do it himself. I set a timer for 10 minutes and told him that if they weren't picked up and put in the right spot, they were going in the garbage. When the ten minutes were up, some of his very favorite toys were still on the floor... including his awesome pair of binoculars that he just bought with his own money. Where was Zack? Hiding under his sheets with dirty feet (yes, the clean sheets I had JUST put on his bed). I held his hand and walked him to the pile of toys and put them in the garbage. He had an absolute fit. I honestly have never seen a child cry like that. Ben and Luke came running, wondering if Zack needed stitches or had just broken a bone. I couldn't believe I was being so mean, but I don't know how else to teach him. He took the garbage bag out to the trash, which is waiting for pick up tomorrow morning. Is that too hard of a punishment for a cute little 5 year old? Maybe so, but I don't know what else to do. You better believe I will bring up the beloved binoculars next time we're picking up toys... I wonder if it will teach him anything? I think if I was more consistent with him (instead of laughing half of the time when he talks back to me) things would be much smoother at this house. There's got to be a middle ground!
I am also struggling with a balance in the blogging world. It's not that I don't have things to write, it's an all or nothing kind of deal with me. A certain person in my family has not been a fan of this online-journal since day ONE, wants me to be less personal with what I write. But I don't feel like it's worth posting unless it's the truth-- unless it's what I am really thinking or feeling. I don't want to be surfacy and blah. If my life can't be documented exactly how it's happening (or at least the way I perceive it, anyway) then I would rather not document it.. or do it privately where it can be authentic and accurate. I don't know-- why does it have to be all or nothing? Why can't I be more..... normal?
Anyway, it's been a long day and my kids are still waiting for a bedtime story. Moderation in all things... Heaven help me.
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3 comments:
Oh Janet, I just love you-- you ARE normal! :-) And you're about to have a baby, so I say anything goes, right? I think balance is one of the hardest things to find in life-- one moment you think you have it, only to have something knock you off balance. I felt somewhat balanced until I got pregnant, and now it's all gone to you know where. :-)
I did the whole timer thing with Vaughn once when he was three, and ended up throwing his toys away just like you did with Zack, and he still hasn't forgotten it. I did feel like a meanie, but I had told him I would throw them away if they weren't put away, so I had to follow through. Now if I ever have to resort to the timer, he cleans like a mad man!
don't feel bad. you're normal. everyone feels like this from time to time. you get more accomplished than anyone i know and it's OK if you take a lazy day here and there. life will go on, everyone will be fine. the most important thing is just to grow that baby girl. and don't feel bad about the toys. i've thrown some of sonnet's away too. you gave him fair warning and you have to follow through. like jane said, he'll never forget it and you can use the memory as leverage next time. haha. hang in there woman. you're amazing!
Only posting on my private journal blog these days. I so want these days documented and right now that's the best way to have it most accurate. When do I get to see you?
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