the delivery

I want to tell you about the labor and delivery, but I am not sure I have the words to describe it yet. I don't know if it's best to write about it when it's fresh and raw or if it's better to take time to think about it-- about what I learned and how it changed me. Truth is, it might be years before I fully understand the experience. So I will give a brief timeline without worrying about adding pictures or trying to explain what it means to me. Here we go.

On Saturday Oct 1, I woke up at 4 am. I walked the dog, paced around the house looking for something to do and eventually woke everyone up around 6:30 ish to tell them a baby was coming. Aaron and I set up the bedroom, filled the birthing tub and got things ready for when my midwife arrived. She was at our home around 7:30 ish. I was walking around, breathing through contractions, feeling a little bit of pain, but not much. I wondered if I had called everyone too early... I was dilated to a 5 at 8 am.

At 9:00 am, my room was filled with women! Nancy, Julie, Jane, Rebecca (midwife) and Ashley (assistant to the midwife). Aaron and the boys were hanging out in the loft, just outside our bedroom. Every once in a while, Aaron would come in the room, hear what we were talking about and then he'd leave again. :) I was completely and fully engaged in what was happening and loved the conversation between these awesome women. I would tune out every once in a while to breath and relax, but I was completely THRILLED with the process so far. This is exactly how Simon's birth was... calm, chill, relaxed, easy.

At 9:30 am, my midwife checked me and said that I was almost completely dilated-- probably a 9.5 and that we should get Aaron in the room. I wasn't surprised that things had progressed so easily, but something inside me told me that it wasn't over. Sure, I wanted her out, but I knew that I didn't want to push yet. Whenever I put any pressure or focus on pushing the baby, I felt a terrible pain go all the way up my spine. I could feel her head, I knew she was right there, but something was holding me back. I told everyone that I didn't want to push through the contractions and I hoped to relax and breath and let her come out when she was ready. This calmed down the situation a bit, but I was still feeling more and more pain, which scared me.

Around 10:30, I asked Aaron for a Priesthood blessing, not knowing what else to do. After he finished, I asked that everyone leave my bedroom (except for my midwife and Aaron) so that I could turn off the lights and have complete silence. I was feeling really agitated and wanted to remain as calm as possible. At this point, Aaron asked me what my pain level was. I told him probably an 8 out of 10. This was already much more painful than Simon's delivery, but my midwife kept reminding me not to compare the two. I tried getting as comfortable as possible. I moved from the warm tub, to my bed, to the birthing ball on the ground, then back to the tub, but nothing seemed to work. With each contraction, the pain was worse and worse. I wasn't saying much at all, but I was having some serious conversations in my own head. I was afraid of verbalizing anything because I didn't want Aaron to freak out. I internalized everything and felt completely hopeless. I was so discouraged and so exhausted, I just wanted to give up. At one point, I asked what time it was and they told me it was only noon. I was so shocked by this-- because I could have sworn it was 5 or 6 pm. Each contraction seemed 20 minutes long. And after each one, I would tell myself there was no way I could get through another one... yet they kept coming. The pain was so bad, it literally felt like an out of body experience. If I had to grade it on a scale from 1 to 10, I would have placed it somewhere around 25. It was pain that shot from my toes, all the way up my spine and literally kept me from breathing in and out.

At 1:00 (ish) I broke down. I told my midwife that I was ready to go to the hospital. I said that if someone wanted to cut open my stomach to get the baby out, I would be more than happy to let them do it. And then I put my face in a towel and sobbed like a baby. I have never in my life felt so desperate. I think this shocked both Aaron and Rebecca because up until this point, I hadn't said very much. Rebecca had me get out of the birthing tub, told me to lay down on the bed and she broke my water. She had tried to do this several times before, but couldn't because the baby's head was RIGHT THERE. This time, she pushed her head back up, broke my water and then said, "There is so much room to push her out, Janet. There is so much room." I love Rebecca for many reasons, but she was great for me because she doesn't dish out any crap. When she said this, I knew I could do it. Nancy and Julie came in the room and our little baby girl was born. When she came out, we realized that her little arm was tucked up by her head, which was probably the reason why it took so long for her to get out. She was perfectly fine-- she was safe in the amniotic fluid until a few minutes before she was born and her heart rate was being monitored constantly. In fact, this whole experience makes me grateful that I was at home because I truly believe had I been in the hospital, I would be recovering from a C-section. Yes, there are worse things than C-sections, but I truly feel like this was something I needed to go through.

When she was finally born, I couldn't do anything but sob. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. Many women have told me about the euphoria you feel after delivering a baby, but I never knew what they meant until 2 days ago. I only felt pure JOY and HAPPINESS. When I picked up my sweet naked baby girl and looked into her face, I felt such an indescribable connection to her. Yes, I have had other children before, but I had never sacrificed as much of myself to get them here. I felt such a love and gratitude for her. I cried and cried and cried. And I also felt like getting up and running around. I had so much energy and so much happiness. To say that I was relieved it was over is SUCH an understatement. There are no real words to describe the complete euphoria I felt. This picture was taken just minutes after she was born... WARNING.. it shows skin!

After all is said and done, some would expect me to say that I will never have a baby again, especially never another home delivery. I would have gladly told you this during the labor and I am pretty sure I stated it just after she was born. But not even 24 hours had passed before I found myself looking back on the experience with awe and appreciation and gratitude for what I went through. I learned so much, not only about myself and what I am capable of, but of sacrifice and desperation and hopelessness. I could or should elaborate a little on spiritual things I learned and felt, including the presence of angels I felt in my bedroom that day. But I can't put it into words today. Today I will say that I am so very grateful for my little baby girl and for the way she came into my life. This gorgeous face was sleeping next to me all day... When I look at her, all I feel is love.

Sometimes the hardest things we ever have to go through are also the most rewarding.