somebody that I used to know

This my interpretation of the song... feel free to critique my opinion however you please.

[Gotye:]
Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

[Kimbra:]
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

[Gotye:]
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
And you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

To me, the color in this video represents being invested in a relationship. Whether or not it's "LOVE" it's an emotional investment, a desire to be connected to the other person. In the beginning, he's not painted whatsoever. He wasn't interested in her, even though he tried to talk himself into it. It wasn't until they broke up, until she cut off ties, until she stopped speaking to him-- that he realized that he cared for her and wanted her in his life. This is when his body slowly becomes painted, until he is completely covered. He becomes consumed with the relationship he wants to have.

She was fully invested when they were together. She felt so happy she could die. But he "screwed her over" because when they were together, he was hung up on something else and wasn't able to give her what she needed. She thought is was HER fault and would take everything he said personally, when really it had nothing to do with her. It was never something she could fix.

My favorite part of the video (as well as the song) is when she breaks away from the painting, she becomes her own person and realizes that she never was happy with him.. because he didn't love her for the person that she was, the person that she is. As soon as she realizes that they never actually had a relationship, she cuts him off completely, she loses the color. She is free.

I love how it ends. She is colorless and not invested and he is trapped in a relationship that will never be. I love that they are looking at each other. I don't believe he wants to date her or marry her or sleep with her or whatever a relationship entails. All he wants is to feel like he meant something in her life. That he was a real person and he's not a stranger. But he is a stranger because when they were together, he never allowed her to get to know him. He knows her well, but she has no idea who he really is.

maybe it's crazy that I am reading into this so much, but if you don't know this by now, I LOVE analyzing relationships. I think this song has a deeper meaning, one that can be applied to each of us, no matter our relationship status. It symbolizes every friendship, courtship, family relationship that turns sour. If both parties aren't fully invested at the same time and willing to see the other for who they really are, they can't connect. I believe that everyone wants to be recognized for who they are. They want to be valued. They need to matter. What would the world be like if we treated everyone like they mattered? Or better yet, if we realize they DO matter.

relationships

Having a laptop has ruined my blogging groove. I thought it would make it better and easier, but really, I used to have a good thing going. I would sit at the computer desk when I wanted to write, and I would lay in bed when I wanted to read. Now I don't do either like I used to because I am conflicted. I've got to find a new groove.

anyway-- who doesn't love the song, somebody that I used to know by Gotye? every time I hear it on the radio, it is stuck in my head all day. The other night, I was going to bed and I was telling my husband that I MUST fork out the $1.20 for this song on iTunes because I love it. I decided to watch the video before we turned out the lights. It was so weird and AWESOME that I made Aaron watch it with me after he finished brushing his teeth. Then we watched it again, and even again, because we disagreed with what the song was saying... (we still do.) I think it's beautiful. the music, the color, the depth. It's a little haunting...

After turning off the lights, we stayed up talking about relationships. Ours and others we've witnessed. Every relationship has more than one side and if you don't see the other perspective, you will never understand the dynamic of the relationship. It has been easier for me to understand Aaron's ex-girlfriends because I understand the way he is. I feel for some of them and wish we could be friends, because I believe I have a lot in common with them. But I am not in touch with them and neither is Aaron. They are just somebodys that he used to know.

Aaron was dating a darling girl about six months before we were engaged. He moved four hours away, and apparently didn't talk to her after he'd moved. I happened to run into her on campus one day and she and I started talking... She said something to the fact that Aaron wasn't very good at keeping in touch and I agreed, because he's not. Then she asked if I knew how he was doing. I told her yes. Then I showed her my engagement ring and told her we'd set a date in June. Our engagement was a bit shocking for everyone, myself included... but telling her, in that way, was just very...... awkward. She was such a cute, friendly girl. I am sure she's happily married with a family of her own. I hope she is, anyway. I should facebook her.

***

Aaron came to my apartment in Rexburg when I had known him less than two months. We weren't romantically involved in any way, just friends. He knocked on my door and the minute I answered, I knew that he wasn't his happy-go-lucky self. He came in and sat on my couch and asked if I had a minute to talk. I always do!

He told me that he had just come from a wedding. He cared a lot for the bride and at one time in his life, he thought he could marry her. They spent most of his mission writing each other. She was a missionary at the same time in another part of the world. She returned home before he did and started dating a new beau. By the time he got home, she was engaged. He was invited to the wedding and was glad to attend. But it also made him sad. Not because he was heartbroken, because he wasn't. He was melancholy knowing his relationship with her would never be the same.

I distinctly remember feeling that Aaron would make a great husband. I didn't have any idea he would become my husband, but I knew that he cared deeply for people. He took relationships to heart. I loved that about him, even if he was terrible at keeping in touch. It's been 13.5 years since that conversation on my couch and I still think back on it with fondness. It was a real moment for us, one that became a foundation for our own relationship. I still admire the bride for inviting Aaron to her wedding and I am grateful to her that she didn't choose him to be the groom!

***

I had a hard break-up with a high school boyfriend a couple of months into college. Aaron was the first (and really the only) person I talked to about how heartbroken I was. I think he was probably starting to have feelings for me at that time, but he allowed me to get through it without trying to put the moves on. Looking back at those conversations where I was crying with mascara running down my face and pouring out my heart, makes me smile. He knew what he was getting into when he married me! Over the years, he's had to spend countless nights comforting me while I cry-- and every time he respects the fact that I am an emotional girl and he never tries to put the moves on. I need someone who can listen and give advice without making me feel like a total basketcase - even though I know that I am.

***

Our marriage was built on a solid, true friendship. It has developed into something much more... we share a house, a dog, a massive amount of student loans, and five darling little offspring. But underneath all of the details, he is such a good friend to me. If something were to happen to our relationship, I would miss his friendship most. Sometimes we get overwhelmed with this thing called l.i.f.e. We talk about our schedules, appointments, bills, the kids, and even our plans for the future. But I feel frustrated most when we forget that we are friends. When this happens, I need to be reminded of what attracted me to him in the first place-- the reality that I never felt alone in his company.

I love this version of the song, too. For totally different reasons.

the Gift of Fear

“You have the gift of a brilliant internal guardian that stands ready to warn you of hazards and guide you through risky situations.”

― Gavin de Becker, The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence

Just before noon I was watering a big pot on my front porch. The baby was sitting in her bumbo seat just a few inches away from me and the two younger boys were playing in the garage/front yard. It was a beautiful sunny day and I had absolutely nothing to worry about. But while I was outside, I had the most terrifying feeling come over me. I literally felt sick to my stomach and knew that I needed to get my children inside as soon as possible. I can't really explain it, but it almost felt like a mother bear and who knew her baby cubs were in danger. My ears perked up and my claws came out. I gathered my babies and within 2 minutes or less, we were in the house. Every door was double locked!

Once inside, I couldn't shake the feeling. I was pacing around my house, trying to calm myself down. My heart was racing. I am not someone who gets scared or paranoid easily... so this is a BIG deal for me. The baby needed to go down for a nap, but I was afraid to have her out of my sight. I decided to put her in the downstairs bedroom. Once she was asleep, I wanted to listen to something that could help me calm down. I have lots of BYU devotionals on my dvr and put on an old talk by David A. Bednar. The "random" devotional I decided to listen to was a talk given in 2005 titled Quick to Observe. As I listened, I continued to feel scared, but it was confirmed to me through the Spirit of God that I needed to respond to my intuition and be on guard. At this point, I rechecked all my doors & made sure the dog was awake and ready to protect us. We don't own any weapons, but I went out to the garage and grabbed a hammer and kept it by the front door. So odd and so not like me.

Just after 1:00 pm, someone knocked on our door. It was a friendly knock.. da-da-da-da-da... DA, DA. Zack and I were both in the front room and heard the knock. I grabbed the hammer and told Zack NOT to answer the door. But Zack didn't listen to me and undid the bolt. He opened it about three inches before I got to the door. I slammed it shut and dead bolted it before looking through the peep hole. My heart was literally in my throat. I cannot even describe to you how scared I felt at that moment, but I KNEW without a doubt that we were NOT to open that door, no matter what.

I looked through the peep hole and saw an African American male, in his mid 20's, with a big muscular build. He was holding a tool box in one hand. He knew we had opened the door, so he looked into the peep hole and knocked again. I was scared to say anything, but knew I needed to protect my babies. I yelled at him through the door, "Go Away!". He then lifted up a spray bottled and showed me that he was trying to sell some sort of cleaner. I said again very forcefully, "We're not interested. Go Away!" He stood there for 30 seconds or so and then walked away. I continued to look through the peep hole and pulled out my cell phone and dialed 911.

This circumstance is SO ABNORMAL for me. I am not paranoid, I am not a drama queen, I have never called the police for any reason. But I knew that I needed to make the call. I told the dispatcher that I didn't have an emergency, but I wanted to report suspicious behavior. When I explained what the salesman did, I realized that he didn't DO anything that was out of the norm, but I know what I felt... and it did not feel good.

Several years ago, I read a book titled The Gift of Fear written by a board member of the United States department of Justice. The book states that all animals have the gift of fear, but humans are the only animals that rationalize their thoughts and don't trust in their gut instincts. We don't act on our fears because sometimes it's not polite to respond to a stranger in such a rash manner or because we don't have any "proof" that someone is going to hurt us. This is a paraphrased example from the book:

Say you're waiting for the elevator and when the door opens, there's a single man inside. For no reason that you can identify, you feel suddenly very afraid to get in the elevator. "That's stupid", you say to yourself. "I have no reason to be afraid of this person. I'm just being irrational."

Which makes more sense? To get into a sound-proof metal box with a stranger who makes you feel fear, or to wait for the next elevator and risk offending said stranger?

He also states in the book that many times, we know minutes, hours or even days before a violent act is going to take place. I believe this and after today, I know that I felt it. It was in my bones and hour before he ever knocked on my door.

I also know without a doubt that I have been given another Gift-- the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost. When I was originally feeling scared, I wanted (and needed) to feel the Spirit so I could calm down, but the Holy Ghost confirmed to me that what I was feeling was on the spot and I needed to keep my guard up and get prepared for what was to come. This was such an eye opening experience for me.

I have no idea if the man who knocked on my door was going to hurt me or my children, but I know that I wasn't supposed to open my door or talk to him. I don't know if he went on to hurt someone else. I hope that the right authorities took my call seriously and patrolled my neighborhood and made sure that he was actually selling cleaning supplies and didn't have other things in his tool box. What I do know is that I listened to my gut and my babies are all sleeping safely tonight. They might just be sleeping on my bedroom floor as I type, but they are all sleeping safely.

Since this afternoon, I've been thinking about how badly I want to move away from Las Vegas. There is a lot of crime here. But I know there are burglaries and home invasions all over the world... we can't really run away from it. But I can become more prepared. I felt so helpless this afternoon with my hammer-- and believe it is probably time to get another weapon... but that scares me too! How do I protect my family without becoming a paranoid freak?

I know it sounds crazy. I had a hard time believing it when it was happening. But I really don't think we can be TOO careful. So, I yelled at a door-to-door salesman. And, I called the police and reported something suspicious when it wasn't. So what?? Isn't it better to be safe than sorry? Has anyone had a similar experience?

my unbelievable day

I can't believe this really is my life.

Thursday March 22, 2012

12:00 AM-- Wednesday night with the girls turns into a Thursday morning bash!

1:00 AM-- We finally call it quits. It's been real. I love my friends. We have the best ward ever.

1:20 AM-- Arrive home, feed the baby.

3:30 AM-- Wake up to Ro crying. She's poopy in a major way. Change her diaper/pjs and stumble back to bed.

4:00 AM-- Simon's up and wants in my bed. I give him a blanket and put him on the floor.

5:00 AM-- I wake up with two little feet in my face. He snuggled his way on Daddy's side and now he wants me out of the bed altogether.

6:00 AM-- Baby up again. I bring her back to bed with me. Three becomes four. Love our king size bed.

7:00 AM-- Everyone's awake. Breakfast, scriptures, sign off progress reports.

7:45 AM-- Kiss my man goodbye.

8:00 AM-- Pick up Lincoln on the way to school. I love this early morning drive through the mountains. It's beauty-full.

9:00 AM-- Clean up breakfast, dress the kids, start laundry. feed the baby and put her down for a nap.

9:30 AM-- Realize that while I was getting the baby down, Simon was going through Daddy's night stand. He has spread Vick's vapor rub all over a box of condoms and has stuck those on the wall in our bedroom. very... um.... creative.

10:00 AM-- feed the boys crackers, cheese and bananas. Lunch will have to happen after naps..

11:00 AM-- Work with Zack on a few sheets of homework while Simon plays legos.

12:00 PM-- Read to both boys (yertle the turtle, dr. suess) Try to put Simon down for a nap. He is so hyper and crazy. I try hard not to laugh while recording everything he says on my facebook page. "you poopy stinky, mom. Dad plays tennis and hits the ball and is so nice and so cute. And I need to get lots of bullets for my gun. Hey. Hey! mom, cut the pickle." all in one breath.

12:45 PM-- Simon finally crashes. I wanted to crash too, but I had condoms "glued" to the walls in my bedroom. Must get a move on.

1:00 PM-- Shove the condoms back in the box without wiping them off individually. Zack tries to show me the picture book he wrote about Batman and Robin. It's 15 pages long and actually very cool... but I don't really want to see every.single.page.at.this.very.moment.

1:30 PM-- change the sheets on my bed, put away clean laundry, scrub my bathroom while blasting Adele.

2:15 PM-- wake up the sleeping babies. Zack tells me he's "stressed out" because we don't have any small ziplock bags. So thrilled to see that he's made us peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the park. Lunch is late and it's on the run. I grab a box of caprisuns on my way out to the car.

2:20 PM-- Pick up Jane's boys. She's celebrating a night alone with her man. An anniversary celebration that was postponed after she lost her baby.

2:25 PM-- Pick up Emily and her two boys. LOVE that my van is so big and that we can go places with friends.

2:35 PM-- Pick up Ben and Luke from school. We were a little late, but that's okay. They play football with their friends after school and prefer to be picked up late.

2:45 PM-- Head to Spring Mountain Ranch.. it's state park just a few minutes away from the school and it's one of our favorite places to be! the weather is perfect. 83 degrees and breezy.

3:30 PM-- Emily and I chat about meeting/dating our husbands. Our boys (all 8 of them) are climbing trees, having stick/sword fights and playing in the dirt. I undress Roma completely and let her chill out on a blanket completely naked. There is no one else in sight. except Penelope, the cow.

4:00 PM-- We tour the ranch house just before it closes. There is a secret passageway in the old house and the boys love it! Ro has clothes on at this point.

4:30 PM-- We take the long hike to the lake. The boys beat us there by a long shot and are halfway around the lake by the time we arrive.

5:00 PM-- Decide to leave the ranch even though no one wants to. Loved visiting with Emily on the way home.

5:30 PM-- Aaron calls after leaving work. he's on his way to play tennis with his league. Thursdays are his night to do what he pleases. And he pleases to play sports.

6:00 PM-- after feeding the baby and letting the kids play for a bit, it's time for homemade pizza. Simon helps me with the dough.

6:15 PM-- I tell Simon and Ben to tell the rest of the boys to come down for dinner... but make sure to wash hands first!

6:30 PM-- the boys mold their dough into the individual pizzas. I hold the baby and feel pretty amazing for keeping things under control. two extra kids... no problem.

7:00 PM-- the kids decorate their pizzas with veggies and cheese. Just as about they are supposed to go in the oven, Mason says, "Hey! There is water coming down from your ceiling."

7:01 PM-- I run upstairs to see that Simon chose to wash his hands in my bathroom. He pulled the stopper on the sink and kept the water running. water all over my bathroom floor.

7:20 PM-- the mess the in the bathroom is mopped up. Grateful it wasn't a toilet flooding. (hey, it could be worse.)

7:25 PM-- Come down to find that Simon had taken everyone's homemade pizza and flipped them upside down. There is sauce and cheese and dough everywhere. I scold Ben and Luke for not keeping a closer eye on him. Ben is bouncing Roma on the couch and responds with, "Um, kind of busy taking care of a crying baby here." I laugh because the whole situation is hilarious.

7:35 PM-- I un-mangle (is that a word?) the pizzas the best I could and pop them in the oven anyway. There was a pan of breadsticks if worse comes to worst.

7:45 PM Aaron calls me on his way home from tennis and asks me if the kids and I are going to meet him at his basketball game. It would have been fun had I not been up to my eyeballs in pizza sauce and a flooded bathroom. No one had eaten and it's just not in the stars.

8:00 PM-- Simon is SO HUNGRY that he helps himself to a picnic while I am cleaning up the pizza mess. He spread a spongebob snuggie on the kitchen floor, gotten dirty dishes out of the dishwasher and was spooning peanut butter into his mouth. I decided it was time to start taking pictures of my day... this is becoming a monumental mess.

8:30 PM-- we FINALLY sit down to eat dinner. The kids are starving and exhausted from hours at the park. Mason says a sweet prayer for dinner. I love these six boys at my table.

9:00 PM-- Ro barfs on me. bring it.

9:30 PM-- Everyone in jammies. We pull out the hide-a-bed upstairs. I change three poopy kids in a row. Simon first. He has a bad rash. Coat his red bum with desitin. Mason next. He wants to wear his Captain America underwear over his diaper. Roma next. She is so sleepy and growls at the camera when I try to snap a picture.

9:45 PM-- Lights off. uh oh. Simon is missing. I find him in my room fingerpainting with desitin on my window. This child is going to be the death of me.

10:00 PM-- While I am cleaning up the windows, Simon and Zack start fighting. I ask Zack if he hurt Simon (because he is screaming in pain) Zack said he didn't hurt him. All he did was punch him. I was drinking water when he said this and I literally choked on it because it was so absurd.

10:30 PM-- Zack claims he needs a drink of water. I tell him he can get one. Next thing I know, Ben and Luke are upstairs complaining the the little boys came into their room, turned on their light, jumped on their beds and woke them up. Ug. Where is my husband??

10:35 PM-- Aaron walks through the door. He tells the boys a bedtime story. They are all laughing their heads off.

10:45 PM-- Zack still says they can't sleep so Aaron tells them they can come downstairs and have chocolate milk while he eats dinner. I don't think so... it's bedtime and that's that. I am the meanest mom ever.

11:00 PM-- Everyone finally asleep. Aaron tells me about his day and his basketball game. With only a few minutes to go, the refs call a double forfeit because the teams can't get along. What is it with men and church basketball?? Sad I missed the fights.

12:00 PM-- In bed. Enjoying my fresh clean sheets. Blogging about my crazy day. Did it really happen? yes, it did. Only wish I had taken more pictures to document it better.

Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs bite.

in need of a date.

What do you know?

Three days in a row...

I've had a completely unproductive, terrible day. It actually started last night. Just after I posted my gratitude list, we sat down for a FHE lesson. The kids and I had made homemade memory cards and we were going to play a game. But the baby was screaming and I couldn't settle her down for anything, so I went in the other room. And for one reason or another, I started crying too. It's kind of comical now, especially thinking about Aaron's face when he saw me crying-- I could literally see his brain going through the list of things he said to me and wondering if they were offensive. It was nothing he did or said. I was just done and didn't know what else to do but cry.

I opted out of the game we worked so hard to make and retired to bed early. Aaron played a few rounds with the boys and put them to bed without dessert. I finally got Roma to relax after laying down next to her. It is sweet and really annoying that she controls my life. After the kids were asleep, Aaron came into the room. I was still crying and tried to read while he got ready for bed. He does a nightly workout routine (sit-ups and push-ups) and I love that about him. But on days like this, it annoys me more than anything because I know I should join him and I just don't wanna. Last night he turned on some music to help motivate us him. I asked him to put in his headphones so I could concentrate on my book. He obliged but then started dancing to his music which was totally distracting and completely entertaining. I was trying to guess which song he was listening to just by his moves. And as hard as I tried not to laugh, I couldn't help it. I even caught the last 40 seconds on video, but he said if I post it, I will never get another performance again. He's all threats.

This morning I woke up to get the kids ready for school. The babies were still sleeping and I hate to wake them. Zack was bouncing off the walls at 7 AM, which is very normal. He brought me a big glass of ice water and said, "I thought you might love this." I did. He followed it with, "I just really want you to have a great day." Love him. Towards the afternoon, he could tell it wasn't a "great day" (baby crying, Simon being crazy, laundry sitting in piles, etc.) and he asked me if I would go on a date with him for some ice cream later tonight. I am without a husband, but I am going to figure out a way to make that date happen because I need it.

Daddy came home for 30 seconds to eat dinner with us. He asked how everyone was doing and we told him that Roma was being a cry baby. He responded with: "She takes after her mommy!" And then he smiled at me hoping I wouldn't bust out in tears again. The truth hurts sometimes. I told him that I was going to be okay because I have a hot date tonight. Zack beamed with pride and said, "Yeah! I asked her out!" Dad wanted to know if I had broken the news to him that I am married. He also told Zack that I was hard to please, so he gave him a couple of pointers: open the doors, pull out the chairs and bring wads of cash. He knows me so well.

My free time is up. Time to clean up dinner and get dolled up for my six year old stud-muffin.

glass half full

In 2012, my New Year's resolution was to be GRATEFUL for the little things in my life. It's been three months, and I can honestly say that everyday I've found something to be grateful for. This was today's list...

I am glad that Luke broke the glass lid to the sugar bowl this morning. If he hadn't, I wouldn't have mopped my kitchen floor. And it needed to be mopped.

I am glad Lil' Ro pooped out the legs and up the back of her diaper. It gave me an excuse to undress her completely. and naked babies are my favorite.

I am grateful that Simon wouldn't take a nap on his own this afternoon. If he had, I wouldn't have laid down next to him. And he wouldn't have grabbed my glasses off my face, put them on his own- upside down and said, "Okay. I'm the mom and I'm in charge."

I am glad Zack knows to make a mess with glue and sprinkles. Because now I have this beautiful love note.

I am glad my two older boys go to public school. If I didn't get up early to take them, I might have stayed in bed all day and never wiped out my fridge.

I'm grateful no one has removed the $2.99 price tag on our mustard bottle. Because every time I see it, it reminds me of California when we bought it while camping on the beach. Those memories and this mustard bottle make me smile.

I am glad Ben tore big holes in his favorite pair of pants. If he hadn't, Daddy wouldn't have cut them off during breakfast and made them into shorts. And Ben is always happier when he's wearing shorts.

I'm glad we have a dog that poops in our yard. She's taught our boys responsibility and hard work.

I am glad my husband works ALL day long. If he didn't, we might not be able to put food on the table. I am grateful I can stay home and make veggie lasagna for dinner.

I'm so glad my husband didn't marry me for my smokin' hot body. If he had, we might not be married anymore.

I'm glad I've wasted so much time blogging over the last five years. We have four family albums to show for it and 2011 almost finished. Zack and Simon also have killer (200 page) baby books. These books are read often!

I'm so glad we don't have any video games at our house. My boys have such a great time playing outside together. I am also grateful it doesn't snow here...

I am grateful to live so far away from our families. If they were just down the street, we wouldn't have made the kind of friends that we have here. We need them and have learned to love them like our own flesh and blood.

dear blog..

Dear blog,

I miss you. I miss writing my abstract thoughts and sending them out into the universe. I've had so many thoughts lately. I've been thinking about my life. about the choices I've made. about the little people that surround me daily and how they will soon grow up and enter the world and make their own choices. They are all adults trapped in little bodies. My two year old knows EXACTLY what he wants. Sometimes he's not sure how to express it, but he knows. He and I have long conversations about what he shouldn't do, even though he knows he's bigger than he looks. While he was sick, we allowed him to come in our room to sleep, and when his ears were really hurting, he worked his way up to our bed. But he's getting better and the other day I was explaining to him that he can't get in our bed anymore at night. He looked at me so determined and said, "Ya. I gotta do that. I do." He knows what he wants and his good looks will get him far in life. He is an amazing person, my two year old. I have such admiration for him.

And my beautiful baby is a full grown woman. She's only 17 pounds right now, but she's determined and bright and stubborn. She needs me to carry her around everywhere I go and insists that she faces outwards so she can take part in the action. She doesn't want to miss anything, ever. She's got a mind of her own, and I hope I stay on her good side because she's a fighter, and I am slightly afraid of her. I can't wait-- not to see who she becomes-- but to see who she already is. And to see what she does with the power that she was born with. I consider her one of my dearest friends.

Watching my three older boys practice for their school play made me so proud. Not of the way they memorized their lines, but of their ability to adapt. And to be vulnerable in front of their classmates. Luke wore a baby's bonnet, a purple bib (that's all we had) and sucked on a pacifier. Ben was willing to be whatever made it easiest for the production. He coached Zack through his lines and told him how awesome it would be to say "Poo" in the microphone. He knew exactly what Zack would and wouldn't do. Wearing a dress and a woman's wig was a minor price to pay for saying "Poo" in front of a large crowd. I love them for so many reasons, but this past weekend I loved them because they are well-adjusted and comfortable in their own skin... They have such adorable, grown-up, handsome faces.

Aaron and I have grown a lot these past few months. We always go through an adjustment period after welcoming a new baby into the family. I think most of that has to do with the fact that I don't get much sleep. Unfortunately he gets the short end of the stick. He is very patient and kind. On Saturday (before the school play) I thought I was going to lose it. The house was a mess and I needed a nap so very badly, but there was no time to rest. Aaron forced me to lay down. He gave me a foot rub and assured me that everything was going to be alright. (I wasn't worried about the play, I was worried about my life :) He told me that I was not allowed to get out of bed for at least 20 minutes. I slept 4 solid hours. When I awoke, my house was spotless. Laundry was folded and put away. The kids were happy and fed. My heart was so grateful. He is not a perfect husband. But he always seems to make the right move when the going gets tough. I adore him for putting up with me day in and day out.

The missionaries came over for dinner tonight. We talked and talked and talked with them. I don't really recall most of what was said because I was looking at their faces and trying to picture them as little boys. It wasn't that long ago their mothers were telling them to wash their hands before coming to the dinnertable. And here they were, washing their hands before sitting at mine, so far away from their own homes and mothers. Soon enough my boys are going to be eating dinner in a home far away from mine. I hope they clear their plates and say thank you for the delicious meal just like the Elders did tonight.

They gave us a spiritual message before they left. Unfortunately, one of the Elders walked in on me nursing the baby in the other room. I didn't know he was going to enter and he definitely didn't expect to find me exposed. It wasn't funny, but I laughed about it... just seconds after it happened, and I am still laughing about it now. If you don't laugh about that kind of stuff, what do you do? Write his mother and apologize? No thank you. He grabbed his scriptures in the other room and then the baby and I buttoned up and joined the family on the rug. They gave a beautiful, heartfelt message about making your home into a sanctuary, where you can feel God's love everyday. I thought it was so meaningful and sweet. I do feel love in my home every. single. day.

Dear blog, I wish I could write more often, but now is just not the right time in my life. One day I hope to catch up with all the good (and hard) things that are happening.

Thanks for being there for me whenever I have a spare minute.

Love always,

J

LoldiGocks and the Bree Thears

Last night was the school talent show. And let me tell you something... the little village where my boys go to school knows how to PAR-TAY like no other! It was not only a school fundraiser, it was a St. Patrick's Day celebration! There was dinner, there was a bake sale, there was an open bar (we had Sprite!), there was music and there was a rockin' audience. Our kids put on a little play-- a spin off Goldilocks and the Three Bears. (A story my mom would tell me as a girl.) One of Ben and Luke's friends dropped out of the play the day before, so Zack stepped in as Mama Bear at the last minute and stole the show! The play is a little over 5 minutes, but it's a stellar performance... totally worth your time.

These little bears ripped off their costumes before I could snap a picture of them in character :(
Roma LOVED the talent show... especially the Disco ball. She was mesmerized!
This family band was the highlight of the night for me! They are in our ward... the lead singer/mom is in our RS presidency and is a natural blonde. She totally worked the stage and I felt like one of their groupies! So much fun!!

Roma Has It

Simon and Ro are feeling better. Zack and I are NOT. I took a five hour nap this blessed Saturday. I woke up to all kids (minus Zack) playing soccer in the garage with Daddy. He is such a great Daddy. There was no food in the house and everyone was starving, so we headed to Cafe Rio in the S-Train. That's what we've been calling our big van these days. Ben and Luke wanted their own burritos at Cafe Rio--- which doubles our total. Why can't they be little forever and be satisfied with their free quesadilla? They each got their own meal and they devoured every last bite. I can't believe how fast they are growing.

Aaron and I talked over dinner about the recent "marriage therapy" we've had. We aren't going to a counselor (although I think it's a great idea for us and anyone else). We've been doing homemade questionairres from self-help books and talking about them whenever we get the chance. I've thoroughly enjoyed the conversations and if I get the time, I will share our exercises with you.... One of the questions we asked each other tonight was, "When in your life did you feel happiest?" Aaron said he was happiest when we were engaged and first married. I disagreed-- only because our engagement was stressful. We were living 4 hours away from each other. We didn't have a car, or a place to live, money.... etc. etc. And our first year of marriage we were both in school full time AND working 40+ hours a week. That was no fun. Then we talked about how happy we were when Ben was born. And Luke was just the cutest baby ever. Neither of us were happy in Spokane, that we agreed on. Law school was so difficult. But then Zack joined our family and that's when life got exciting. Vegas has been SO good to us. We absolutely love it here. We love our friends. We love the weather. Our home has made us a real family. We welcomed two babies in our bedroom. Simon and Roma have been such amazing blessings in our lives. As we sat around the table and talked about our years together and looked at our sweet kids who were growing by the minute, I just couldn't help but feel grateful for every memory we've created together.

On the way home, we blasted Adele in the S-Train. When "Rumor Has It" came on, we could hear the kids singing from the back row. Everyone was well fed and happy. Aaron decided to change the the words to the song and belted out "Roma has it" and everyone quickly followed suit. By the time we pulled up in the driveway, everyone was screaming "Roma has it" at the top of our lungs. I looked at Aaron and said, "I feel happiest now." He smiled back and me. We came inside, changed the kids into their pj's and played cards. Ben and Luke are incredible Rook players. Luke and I lost big time tonight, but I didn't even mind. We put the babies to sleep and read a few chapters of "Double Fudge" to the older boys.

Saturdays don't get much better than this. I feel happiest now.

through the wringer

I swear, I was just saying last week that I was getting the hang of life with 5 kids... As soon as I start feeling comfortable, the rug is pulled out from under me. It's been a really rough week, to say the least.

On Sunday I left church early because Roma threw up during Relief Society. Aaron stayed home from work on Monday because Simon was up all night coughing along with the baby. Tuesday I dosed them with essential oils and tried to keep their fevers down. Wednesday I took them into the pediatrician and came out with prescriptions for ear infections.. both ears in both babies. After 48 hours of carrying around two babies (all day long) I literally put out my back.. I couldn't walk or move for a couple of hours. I called Aaron, half laughing and half crying, because I couldn't believe this was really happening. It's not funny, but it's kinda funny. Wednesday night was the worst.. I didn't sleep a wink. At 5:00 am on Thursday morning, I woke up Aaron and told him to take over. We spent the entire day in bed. These poor babies are so sick...

Simon is the sweetest little 2 year old ever. He wants to put bandaids on his ears and tells me that his "hair is too hot." He wants to be held 24/7. He is so sweet about taking his medicine. He doesn't like it, but when I tell him it will make him better he says, "Otay. I drink it all gone." He is such a handsome little sick boy.

Roma will not take a bottle anymore and will NOT swallow her medicine. (talk about drama!) She literally wants to nurse all the time... which isn't an easy thing to do when I am holding a 30 pound toddler! She coughs so long and so hard that she will throw up everything. I need to start carrying around a bucket for this baby.

My house is a mess and my laundry is piling up by the minute. I need a weekend so badly. I am so grateful for my sweet friends who take my boys to (and from) school, who keep Zack entertained during the day and who bring us dinner at night. We are going to make it through, but it's been a doozy. TGIF. Here's to getting back on our feet again.