Love and Light

Hi.

So.  it's 1 AM.  and I really should go to sleep.  But my husband is downstairs working at the kitchen table and I want to stay up.  I had a late night doing church things (and having not so churchy conversations with my RS counselors about crazy men on tv who like to drink their wives breastmilk.  for real.)  I got home around 11 PM, realized my husband was going to be working for a while, decided to scrub my kitchen (and mop the floor around him, which I am sure didn't bother him at all.) and then finally retired to bed.  and here I sit.  Wondering what to do...

It's not that I haven't wanted to blog these last few weeks, and it's not that I have been too busy, although I have been quite busy.  I have been thinking a lot about why I write.  What it does for me and if it fills a void. I realized I like to process my thoughts while writing and recently I've decided to process my thoughts in other ways.. by meditation, mostly.  It's been a great experience for me.  When I feel the urge to write, I wonder what it is I am seeking.  And then I search for it, through my thought process.  I feel as though I've been able to fully ponder my thoughts--  and allow them to work through me and change me (hopefully for the better) and rather than feeling more connected to many of you who read my blog, I've become more centered and connected with myself.  I hope, in the long run, this process of self-discovery will allow me to become a deeper, more meaningful writer and better friend.  It might just be a phase I am going through.  But I've seen a complete change and truly feel like a new woman.

This process has been happening for months, maybe even longer.  But deep insights about myself have become clearer these past few weeks.  One awakening I've had through NOT writing on my blog is understanding that I have a desire to connect with new friends, people I've never met before.  Blogging and putting my thoughts out there for strangers and feeling connected to them in an authentic way has been such a pleasure for me.  Over the years I've gotten random emails from strangers who've written to me, introducing themselves to me (and it's truly been one of the most rewarding things about my blog.)  I absolutely love the idea of putting my thoughts out there and having random strangers connect to me in a way I couldn't reach them otherwise.  It's a crazy thought, and one that drives my husband absolutely crazy because he does NOT want random strangers reading about intimate details of our lives, but it's truly one reason I write.  Because I want to connect with strangers.. It's one reason why I want to have a best-selling book.  Not to make lots of money (although I would love that too) but because the more popular the book becomes, the more strangers I would be able to connect to, on a deep-personal level.

Anyway, this is one idea I've been pondering lately.  And instead of writing all of my personal deepest darkest secrets on my blog, I've been trying to process my desire to connect with strangers-- and it's been an amazing mini-miracle in my life.  Instead of getting my "fix" on my blog, I've been reaching out in a very personal way to actual strangers I meet in public.  One of these days I will write about what they've taught me, but the lessons are still being processed in my thoughts and mind.  And there are too many to write about... I keep thinking I will forget about them if I don't write them down, but I know I will not forget, because I think about them often and process what they've taught me.

Through my personal meditation I've wondered WHAT it is about strangers that has me so fascinated.  Knowing that I will never speak to this person again should make me feel less excited to connect with them.  But as I've thought about this more and more, I realize I have major boundaries when it comes to letting people into my life.  You won't believe this about me, but it's very true.  I am actually very obsessive about letting people in.  It's something I was surprised to learn about myself.  It's a weakness I have.  I am a snob when it comes to letting my walls down.. and letting people become vulnerable.  This is why I love strangers so much.  I know that I can connect with them, but I won't owe them anything when the day is over.  They won't need me anymore... they won't be able to reach me even if they wanted to.  And what I've come to understand about myself is I have a deep fear about too many people needing me.  I will only let a handful of people need me-- my husband, my children and only a few select friends.  I am even picky about my siblings.  I put up walls to everyone else.  Because if you need me and I can't physically help you, it will hurt me too much.  I don't have enough time (or emotions or money or whatever) for all the problems in the world and I will physically feel sick about it, so instead, I don't allow people in.  It's a very selfish thing I do.

So-- I'm trying to overcome it.  Through my self-discovery, I've realized that blogging has been such an incredible outlet for me because I can write whatever the heck I want and people can choose to read it or not.  Those who want to read it become the strangers I can connect with.  But the selfish part of me writing is that I don't read other peoples blogs.  I rarely read strangers blogs.. In Google reader (before it was canceled, which I just discovered yesterday) I have a handful of subscriptions.  I read people I feel close to, but no one else.  I don't have time to read, but mostly I don't want to give of my emotional energy.  I just can't do it.  And I also only (selfishly) want positive energy in my life.  So if a blog doesn't have positive vibes coming from it, I won't read it.  Unless you are a part of my close inner circle, then I want to read about the hardships because I have the emotional energy to accept and to love.  This is why I love strangers so much and why I thrive off of deep, emotional conversations with them.  Because in the moment I can reach out and love and accept, but if they were to ask me to help them beyond that moment, to become their best friend, I would truly want to, but know that I could never do it.  There would not be enough hours in the day.

But I've had a breakthrough.  I hope that I can change and let my walls down and widen my circle and become less selfish of my time and emotional energy.  My calling in my church has forced me to do this.  I have had to force myself into homes of friends and neighbors (very opposite of strangers) and talk to them about their problems, and then I have been forced to keep tabs on them, even forced to care about them.  It's been one of the hardest, most emotionally draining things I've ever had to do.  And then, when I was about to have an emotional breakdown, my prayers were answered and I realized that I have never been giving of myself, ever.  Where Love is, there God is also.  The Love that I have been sharing my entire existence has only been God's Love.  And His supply is limitless.  This realization has transformed me.  It's truly changed my life.  It's always been from God, but I thought it was me, as if I had to give a piece of myself in order to love someone else.  But what I didn't realize is that I am just relaying Love that was never mine.  I was blessed with a Gift.  This wonderful and amazing Gift is the ability to love others.  I see my ability to love as a Light. In the past, I thought it was mine, and I was possessive of it.  But now I've come to realize that the Light and Love come from God (and His endless supply) and it is a Gift given to each and every single person on this earth.  And that by sharing my Light (which was never mine to begin with) I am giving others a piece of God.  And this is truly allowing them to see themselves for who they are (who they have always been) and it will not be my responsibility to keep them full.  My job is only to brighten their day and love them for who they are.  My Light is a candle and by lighting other candles who have burned out, my Light is not diminished, it only becomes brighter.  I can walk away after they see their own Light and trust that they will, in turn, light other candles and together we can lift one another and light up the world.

And as I love others completely and fully, sharing my Light will become easier.  What I didn't realize is that as I selfishly protected my Light (by hiding it under a bushel, which I totally do!) I felt less and less energy and became more tired and depressed.  The more tired I became, the less I was willing to give of myself and the more depressed I became.  I forgot how great it felt to share my Light with others.  The more I share, the more energetic I become and the more Light I have to offer.  This has been a huge awakening for me.  It's still something I'm working at... it's a hard habit to break and I haven't quite let my walls down with my friends, but it's been so much easier to see the difference with my interactions with strangers.  I see myself as a torch, going out into the world, trying to spread my Light.  My very existence is to make others feel better about themselves... to see their own Light.  If their Light is completely snuffed out and they can't see it, it's my job to share my Light with them.  My goal every day is to help those I interact with see their own potential.  This goal has made my own Light so much brighter.  I realize I can love those around me and not lose a part of me, not become less of a person to my family, who so desperately needs me.  As I spread my Light to others, I am more capable at home.  I found my source of energy again... and I wake up early with so much excitement.

So, here I am, writing about it.  If you can't tell, it's not a completely processed thought, but it feels good to write anyway.  I truly believe every one of us have a purpose, and that purpose is to make others feel better about themselves.  It's really hard to do because we feel insecure in our own ways for legitimate reasons (we ALL have faults.)  But we are all so amazing and so capable and so loved.  We have so much potential to do good-- to spread happiness and to uplift those we come in contact with.  If you are reading this, I hope you feel God's love in your life.  I hope you feel a Light within yourself because it's there, even if it's dim.  As we love and serve each other, it will become brighter and give us more energy (and happiness) to love and serve more.  This is our purpose-- to recognize our own Light and share it with others.