miscarriage

I had my fourth miscarriage 30 weeks ago.
It's been a while since I thought of it.
until recently, I was flipping through the calendar on my phone,
I realized I had scheduled my due date after I found out I was expecting.
(so not like me.)
Saturday, March 23.

We were hoping for a March baby.
We have one birthday in Sept, Oct, Nov, Dec, Jan, Feb.  And March seemed like a great month for the next.
This past March was madness, and the week of the 23rd was one of the busiest of my life.
With homeschooling and calling responsibilities and visitors and meetings.
I remember looking at the date and feeling sad.
Sad that I don't have a real baby for Roma to hold and an excuse to get me out of all the responsibilities that keep me away from my children, when that's the only place i want to be... holding them and feeding them.
Sad that I haven't been able to get pregnant since.  Watching the calendar and taking my temperature and waiting can be exhausting, emotionally.  And it makes sex less spontaneous and more like a chore, but that's not really anything to complain about, says my husband.

But then I look at my five beautiful babies and I feel blessed.
And I think about the adventures we can take and the gorgeous weather we are enjoying and I don't feel sad at all.
I know that children come when they are supposed to and they come when we are ready.
(And sometimes they don't come anymore, and that's okay too.)

And I know that I am being stretched in other areas of my life-- and I am truly grateful for this.

I pray at night and thank God that all of my children are healthy and sweet and keep us on our toes.  I wake up in the morning to greet the sunrise and it fills me with hope and gladness and with a knowledge that I am in a place where I am supposed to be, surrounded by neighbors and friends who need me.

I spend my days playing with my darlings and working in the kitchen.
There is noise and laughter and sometimes fighting, but the sounds are happy.
And in the quiet moments there is a peaceful realization that I am doing my best and my best is good.
and that what I have is not just enough, but so much more.