taking care of me

my husband worked through the night.  he did not sleep a wink... and now he's back at the office.  I am not sure why he does this to himself, but it screws up my night too.  I went to bed around 3:30 and got up at 5:30 (to meditate and have what I call a "power hour" of reading spiritual messages and thinking..) the rest of my house is asleep and I should rest too, but we're going hiking in an hour for forest school..  That is going to be... interesting.

so, a HUGE part of why I've been struggling these past few months/years is because I haven't known exactly how to put myself on my priority list.  I've been trying to do this for so long, but I never have the energy!  So I built up stronger walls and eliminated more "extras" from my life in order to protect myself from spreading too thin, and what happened is I became more depressed and more drained... this because I've tried to keep my talents and energy to myself instead of spreading it to others (for it never was mine to begin with.)  My recent awakenings have truly been energizing and get me out of bed in the morning, even with very little sleep..

I admire my husband so much because he puts himself on his own priority list and almost always does what he wants to do (needs to do in order to feel healthy and happy) before everything else.  It sounds selfish of him, but it's this amazing balance he has.  and he's not a selfish person, he's inspiring and balanced and makes me a better person being around him. He works hard (sometime staying up through the night) but he ALWAYS makes time for exercise.  He plays in a tennis league and he wakes up at the crack of dawn to play basketball and he is strict about his nightly push ups and he never (ever) wastes time watching TV or doing things that don't bring him energy in his life.  And it's admirable.  I want to be more like him, but I also kind of resented him because I wanted that for myself but wasn't sure how to do it consistently or effectively.

I decided to make a list of things that brought me happiness and to do them more often.  Watching the sun rise each morning was one of the things on that list and I have seen the energy that has come into my life as I have gotten up to greet it.  The sun is warm and bright and powerful but it is also constantly giving.  I connect with the sun each morning and come away feeling better about myself.  I have always had a personal relationship with the Sun and realize that when I am not healthy, I am not waking up to greet it.  This is something personal for me, a Truth that has always been a part of me, since I was a little girl.  I always feel better watching the sun rise or set. and I need to find the time for it in my life, on a daily basis.

Another thing I wanted to add to my list was learn a musical instrument.  My boys have an amazing piano teacher and I thought it would be important for me to take lessons from him too.  But I wasn't really sure if that's what I wanted to do (afraid of spreading myself too thin) so I thought about it for weeks.  I even told myself to start practicing the exercises I see my boys doing and discipline myself without having to pay for the lessons.  I didn't mention anything to my husband or kids because I didn't want to be accountable :) but I figured if I started paying him, it would force me to do it, whether I wanted to or not.

Anyway, long story short, I thought about doing it for a while, and I finally told my husband about wanting to take lessons.  It was over the phone on his lunch break because I think I didn't want to bring it up face to face because I was insecure about it.  When I threw the idea out there, my husband's first response was, "How much more is that going to cost?" and immediately I took offense. I wanted him to say, "You should!  You deserve that." but because he didn't.  He asked how much money it would be (a reasonable question when he's paying for the bills) but I took it personally.. and I cried.  We hung up shortly after and he texted me apologizing and I cried even more.  And then I realized that what he said had nothing to do with me or my value.  And that I need to stop asking him for permission to feel validated.  Because I do feel worthy enough to pursue things that make me feel better about myself.

After that conversation, I made a appointment to cut and color my hair the way I've wanted it (but never wanted to spend the time or money because I don't need it.)  I also went on a shopping spree-- (my husband had no idea that asking how much piano lessons would deplete his savings account so quickly...) I don't recommend this for most people especially if you have an addiction to spending money.  I do NOT typically spend any money and never go shopping for myself, so it was allowed and it felt awesome.  I bought myself practical (but expensive) items like prescription sunglasses and new makeup and a new mop to scrub my kitchen floor.  Things I've wanted but didn't want to buy because I didn't need them.

And then I registered for a Power of Moms retreat and emailed my friends and sisters about a girls getaway. And I started a new Learning Circle with friends in my neighborhood-- a book club that is empowering and uplifting.  And then I looked at my husband's work schedule and realized he had a business trip to Dallas-- and I decided to go with him.  I bought a plane ticket before I had anyone to watch my kids.  My parents are retired and could drive down to watch my kids, but before I even called them, I asked my friends.. and they were MORE than willing to stay at my house and allow me to get away for a couple of days.  And then I got on a plane and left all my responsibilities at home and didn't think twice about it.  I pampered myself in ways that I knew would bring me peace and joy and fulfillment-- and I am not about to stop anytime soon.  Yes, this might seem selfish, but I've been unselfish for too long and it wasn't healthy.

I have yet to officially sign up for piano lessons.  Not because my husband thinks it costs too much and not because I don't feel like I am worth it.  But because I am wondering if it's something I really want to do..  I think I am still intimidated and not ready to commit or still afraid I will spread myself too thin.  but I am slowly getting better about recognizing what brings me joy and trying to be better at taking care of myself.  There is a fine balance and I might have tipped the scales the other way, but soon it will even out and hopefully I will recognize myself when the dust settles..  and I can be a better mom and wife because I am more connected with what brings me happiness and energy and then have more to give to those around me.

kids are awake-- we are leaving for hiking in ten minutes...