building up walls

last night Aaron and I had a long talk about boundaries.  I am basically an open book with zero boundaries and he is quite the opposite.  We realized that I need to be more like him and build higher walls.

I've been thinking about this since 3am (it's now 5am and I finally rolled out of bed because I knew that trying to sleep is pointless..) and I'm not sure what to think about our conversation.  I would like to have more privacy and control over my life (and who enters it) but I know I don't have the tools to build walls around me and I guarantee I wouldn't like them once they were up.

But then I got to thinking about our next door neighbors who recently moved.  They were seriously the BEST neighbors...  The mom and I would walk several times a week in the morning and our kids would play together everyday.  The husband was constantly fixing things in our yard and taking out our garbage for us.  When either of us would head to the store, we would pick up items the other needed... we exchanged goodies all of the time.  Honestly, some of the best neighbors you could ever ask for.  When they announced they were moving to Texas this summer, I was so bummed.  How could we ever function without them?

They moved out early September and although I miss them, I am also really kind of glad they are gone.  I know that sounds terrible, but it is the truth.  Our houses are SO close together and we knew what the other person was doing all the time.  Their son was over at our place a lot more than my kids were playing there (because he was much younger than his older siblings, he was always looking for someone to play with.)  And every time the mom came to pick up her son, we would end up talking for an hour or two in my kitchen or at my front door and although I totally miss her advice and friendship, I also have a lot more time to fix dinner (or just play with my kids.)  I also never feel guilty when I go to the store without asking what anyone else needs.  My grocery list is long enough as it is. I feel like the worst person in the world for not crying everyday that she's gone!

For a second last year, we thought about moving to Utah.  My amazing sister with 8 kids lives in an awesome neighborhood literally within a few steps of a park and swimming pool.  Her next door neighbor was selling their home and over Christmas we walked through the house and talked about buying it.  How incredible would it be for our kids to run back and forth to each other's houses?  We could open up the back gate and make dinners for one another (she's an amazing cook!) and watch each others babies and do girly crafty projects everyday.... we would have an amazing time.

But the house really wasn't right for us (and neither was the move) and the more I got to thinking about it, the more I realized we might end up hating each other if we lived next door.  Unless we had really clear set boundaries, which honestly probably couldn't happen in a family like mine (without any.)  How close is too close?  Don't we have enough to worry about in our own not-so-little families?  When does sharing the burden actual become more of a bother?  Where is the comfort zone... five houses down?  The next city?  A short 6-hour drive?  I can't decide!

We still aren't sure what our plans are for Thanksgiving... the in-laws might come here or I might go up to see my family in the North Pole.  Thanksgiving should be a time when you surround yourself with lots of people and share all your yummy recipes and let the kids run around with their cousins and friends, isn't it?  I'm not so sure about that.  Last year we stayed home and invited ZERO people over and it was seriously the best weekend of our lives.  The kids helped me make the entire menu, we had a somewhat-quiet meal, a zillion leftovers, plenty of time to nap and play cards and stay in our pajamas and put our feet up and not even talk if we didn't feel like it.  I didn't miss anyone or sulk around wishing we had friends to visit.  It was the best Thanksgiving to date.  Maybe it was just something our family needed that year, but isn't that what all young families need-- more quality time together and less chaos?  I think so.  I feel like such a jerk!

I'm working on building up my walls.  Sometimes I want to build them up around me only and not even let my husband or kids in.  I want to be strong and feel like I can handle everything on my own, but when I do that, I tend to explode.  Yesterday in the wee hours of the morning, I wrote a long detailed story on my private blog... things I haven't told anyone...  I'm not sure what happened to the settings on private blog, but it got emailed to everyone on my list of readers (which happens to be a whopping 15 people...) but still.  I was totally embarrassed and spent the day apologizing to anyone who responded to the email.  I think I just held everything in for too long and then didn't know what to do when I couldn't handle it anymore.  Why is it so hard to let others know you're struggling?

Depression is a whole different topic that I want to discuss in a separate blog.  But it seems like everywhere I turn, there is a woman struggling to feel like herself.  Most people are struggling with some kind of depression, but it's really so hard to talk about because you don't want to make your life seem worse than it really is, but you also want to relate to other people who are struggling and say, "I've been there." But if you ever say "I've been there" when you really haven't been there, it becomes disingenuous, insincere and hurtful.  Am I making any sense?  How can you talk to people about your struggles without becoming a total pity-case?  Maybe only select one or two people to share them with?  Pay a therapist??  I don't know.

Everything I read about vulnerability and openness is GOOD and healthy.  we need to be more transparent and more real with others.  But it hurts too much to be authentic.  I shed so many tears yesterday because I hated having to share my struggles with other people.  I doesn't feel good, but it's good for you?  All it made me want to do was build my walls really high and never let anyone in.  ever.  And then my husband confirmed to me that's exactly what I should do.  But yet, here I am posting my thoughts for the world to read.  I guess I am still confused and processing what is best for me and my family.