Life is like a box of chocolates

So much to write about but not sure what to share. Life is a rollercoaster and everything is STILL up in the air. We are trying to enjoy the the ride, but its a bumpy one. I might throw up soon...

This last week we've been camping out in our house in Vegas. Mattresses on the floor, paper goods in the kitchen, with camping chairs the only thing to sit on. It's been an interesting week and I've been reflecting nonstop. I just can't help but feel proud of us and what we've been through. There are parts of everyday where frustration knocks on my door, but I won't and can't let it in because it wants to take over. And that's never smart because there is still so much to be happy about and grateful for.

The beginning of this month marks the two year anniversary of our road trip to Georgia and the beginning of our chaos. We drove to Atlanta for the hope and possibility to move there in August 2013. We knew we were in limbo at the time. A move needed to happen and soon because something wasn't right. We loved Vegas and were willing to stay, but change was in the air. Just before the long drive, we found out we were expecting Eden. The road trip was difficult because I was extremely nauseous and weak. But I wanted and needed to explore our options. Aaron was bombarded at work and deadlines were stressful. He decided to make the huge sacrifice to fly out to meet me because if we were going to make the move, it had to be a decision we agreed on. The entire trip he was worried about getting fired because he should have been home working around the clock. On his last day in Atlanta he broke his ankle and needed double surgery, and 12 weeks with his feet up and no driving. It was a blow physically, emotionally, financially- and I was on an empty tank trying to grow baby #6.

We got through the surgery and the pregnancy. But just before Eden was born, Aaron was fired. It was something we expected and Aaron went to interview after interview on crutches. At the end of a rough 9 months he took the plunge to open his own office in Vegas. We weren't sure if it was the "right" thing but we had a savings to at least try it out and we knew we could sell our home and live off the equity for a little while to float while money went into the office and out of our savings.

August 2014 we decided to move but not sure where still. Aaron didn't feel good about putting time and money into an office in Vegas. We had no family here and no reason to stay besides the fact that we liked it. I was the only one dragging my feet. I loved the desert with all of my heart and soul. We made pros and con lists of places to move with family. Georgia, Arizona or Utah. In my mind Vegas still had more pros than anywhere else but Aaron was leaning toward Zion and took the Utah bar. I was on the fence.

September 2014 was the most bizarre month of all. We basically went into panic mode. Looking back, I ask myself if we created more chaos or followed inspiration. Logically it seems as though we went out of minds a little, but we've NEVER done that before and have yet to feel like that since so it had to be more than a panic attack. This I know because Aaron felt it too and he doesn't panic, ever. And our actions were also smooth and precise and calm, but completely drastic. To sum up September we literally sold or gave away everything we owned except for our mattresses, our clothes, the kids bikes and our dog. We sold not just furniture but things we were actually using like the baby's crib, holiday items, all our homeschooling favorites and even Aaron's car. It was SUCH an odd month. It had to be inspired because it all happened so quickly. Typical conversation during that month--

Aaron: I am going to list my car for sale today.
Me: really? Are you sure?
Aaron: yep.
Me: what are you going to do?
Aaron: not sure.
Me: well, see what happens. you can always decide not sell if it doesn't get any interest.
A few hours later, it was sold. Bizarre, right?

After liquidating in September, we officially put our house up for sale in October. We *planned* on living in it until it sold. Aaron would set up an office remotely. This way Aaron could keep his clients in Vegas and build a clientele in Utah slowly (he wasn't even sure if he'd passed the Utah bar yet.) But our internal panic increased and we literally packed up a moving truck and left without anything figured out. The only way to explain it is we were animal parents who smelled fear. It was not logical, it was all instinct. We could not and will probably never be able to explain it, but we were afraid that if we didn't leave, our family would be destroyed.

October 2014, with our empty house on the market and Aaron being sworn into the Utah bar, we felt good about our decision to move. We didn't *want* to be living with my parents but we knew our house would sell soon which would give us money to live off and a little more cushion to build an office. We were with my parents for five months and there was zero action on our house. The price was dropped significantly and we were dumbfounded to why it hadn't sold. But we weren't too frustrated because it was winter. We were certain it would sell at the beginning of the year w tax refunds and Christmas season over. It had to!

February 2015- I buy a bus with a loan from the bank. Aaron wouldn't let me touch our savings account because we needed to live on it. I was certain our house would sell any day and probably was thinking like a teenager after living with my parents for half a year. Or having a midlife crisis and needing a change of scenery.

Aaron was also second guessing starting his own firm in Utah. Yes, he had clients but 95% of what he did was pro-bono. People really needed the help but couldn't pay. And he had time on his hands so he literally couldn't say no. I was proud of him and knew he'd be blessed somehow. But job offers started coming in and our savings was running out. He took an offer at HAFB because it didn't make sense to pass it up. The background clearance would take up to 2 months, which literally gave us peace of mind to travel and explore in our bus.

April 2015- back from bus excursions, we plan to move to North Salt Lake so Aaron's commute into the Air Force Base would be shorter. We put money down on a house to rent, but it doesn't feel good. We push the feelings aside because it must be back-to-work jitters. But the closer we got to moving in, the worse it felt, and with our things moved out of my parents (and boxed up in the bus) we feel completely confused and lost. We decide to lose the money on the house and move in with my sister who generously offered her basement apartment to us because she knew we were in limbo. It was not what we wanted to do, but better than our other options. We felt grateful but also SO frustrated. Nothing we did made sense and our poor kids were adjusting to a new neighborhood, new ward, new scout troops, and we couldn't explain why.

When it came down to actually working at HAFB, it didn't feel right either! At 10pm the night before he was supposed to start he decided to turn it down. (The hiring process was so complicated with fingerprints and literally 2 months of jumping through hoops so he didn't take this decision lightly.) He reluctantly turned down the offer and now we are back to square one.. All we needed was for our house to sell so we could move out on our own and build Aaron's practice. We had so much faith things would fall into place. The next day we find out our house had been broken into and vandalized. Is someone punking us? It wouldn't be put back together for another month. (There were one or two low-ball offers that we turned down. Hindsight is 20/20 because those offers are more than what we are asking now, but we didn't know any better and our agent assured us we would get a fair offer, especially after the remodel.) 

May 2015- with things still in limbo and Aaron being able to work remotely, it seemed like the perfect plan to take the bus cross-country. I was originally going to do this with my bff Jane, but her calendar was tight around her kids school schedule and we wanted to end up in Nauvoo for a family reunion, so it made more sense for Jane to fly to New York (her parents are serving a mission there.) And we would meet her in the bus. Things started getting exciting because two major networks were interested in filming our family and bus travels. Perfect timing. But not. Because the show wanted to write a new story. They want us to pretend to buy the bus completely remodeled.. Great opportunity for us to have a remodeled bus, but not accurate of how it happened. And we wouldn't have rights to our own story which made it an easy decision. We would travel to NYC without it remodeled. (I was always waiting on our house to sell to have money for the remodel..) Just before we pack up for our long road trip, Simon breaks his arm and needs surgery. 2 weeks later he needed a cast placement and 2 weeks after that the pins removed. Going cross-country wasn't possible anymore. But driving down the Oregon coast was! And it was dreamy. I changed my plans to document our travels on our blog to just focusing on having FUN as a family. I decided to collect and organize my pictures with the intent to share it later. Still not sure why, but I'm waiting.

July 2015- we travel to Nauvoo, IL for a family reunion. This trip was also amazing but hard too. We were SO close to Chicago and New York and DC, but still so far away. We had Simon's cast off and technically had the time to travel, but couldn't justify it financially. Savings is running low, house still hasn't had any bites. We decide to change real estate agents because we had no other options. This was a tough decision. Our wonderful agent is a dear friend and she worked so hard with no pay. But our hands were tied. We are not on speaking terms since the switch and its been heartbreaking for me, maybe the hardest part about it all. I take my relationships very seriously and now know its better to never mix business with personal life.

August 2015- with Aaron working in both states and traveling back and forth it didn't make sense to stay living with my sister anymore. Aaron had work in Vegas and we have an empty house here, just waiting to be sold. With a new agent and lots of showings everyday, it would be a pain to move back. But we would at least be together at night. Aaron came down a week early and has been working overtime. It feels so good to be back. We've dropped our house price to as low as we can go without having to pay someone to buy it. We will not be making little, if anything on the sale. Other agents are calling asking if there's a typo on the price. No typo, tons of action, no sale. Our new agent is floored. Everyone asks us WHY we are giving it away and the only thing we can tell them is that it feels like the right thing to do. We could totally stay. I love the house & the neighborhood. We have plenty of room to park the bus. It's going to be hard to find a place to rent that can accommodate our dog, six kids AND bus, but it has to work out. It just has to! And we still feel good about moving forward even though we don't know where we will go or what we will do.

In a phone convo with my mom the other day she said, "tonight you and Aaron get on your knees and pray about whether or not you should sell your house." My response was laughter. What do you think we've been doing for the past 2 years?? We do NOT take these decisions lightly. And we are trying our best to move forward despite being very confused. We are making decisions. We are not just praying and waiting for the answer to come, we are making heart wrenching choices and we take responsibility for the outcome. We just don't have any answers. And that's okay because they will eventually come. At this point I am considering ALL options. I will list the bus for sale, I will go back to work, I will put my kids in school, I will do whatever is needed. I do not care what others think about me or my decisions because I own them. Aaron is in his own personal turmoil because he's still got his feet in both states. Next week he goes to Utah and California. He doesn't have a lot of money coming in, but he's willing to do whatever is necessary. He will work at Walmart if it comes down to it. he has always put our family first and I love that about him.

My job is to support his decisions and to take care of the kids. And to be positive. My temperament is extremely important to my family.. When mama's happy, everybody is happy. For those who think I am taking a backseat and letting my husband make all the decisions in the drivers seat, think again. Our roles are significant and stressful in their own way and equally as important. We each play the role of supporter. He is more physically and financially supporting us, the hard labor. I take the emotional role-- keeping everyone fed and happy and encouraged. We both take the spiritual lead because if we didn't, we would collapse. He is hands-down more faithful than I am, but I have my good days too.

I have several friends who don't believe in God and think we are kind of crazy following our feelings and intuition and inspiration. Believe me, I've had major faith crisis moments where I don't believe either. But I always come back to the core, which is the place where I feel extreme amounts of gratitude. There is little peace, still. I want to KNOW that we will figure things out and do what we are meant to do. I want to thrive and achieve goals and not just merely survive, and there will be a time for that. Our patience is being tested our faith is being tried. But it will all work out. And even though it hasn't been easy, we've made it this far!! Two years of being in limbo, a small army of kids, a dog, a bus, medical bills, three moves with another in the near future and very little income and we are still kicking! Not once have we needed to borrow a penny from family members or our church or ask for donations of any kind. We may have to get to that point eventually and that will be another trial. But we've made it this far and that HAS to be God's hand in our lives. There is no other explanation. Luck can only get you so far. I chose to believe in a Higher Power because it makes more sense to me than not believing. Its not the easy way out, its the only thing I have to cling on to at this point.

This week someone close to me told others that I wasn't being grateful and that I was complaining too much (that things in my life wouldn't be so hard if I didn't make them so hard.) I DO complain, so I can see where they are coming from. But it hurt me.. I cried and wrestled with it.  But after a day or two I realized that they are wrong. They know me well, but they haven't been in my shoes. I am doing the best I can and that is good enough. We really cannot judge or speculate or criticise others and how they chose to live. The best thing we can do with our time is to love and support and salute along the path. Life is hard but we can make it easier by not judging and not second guessing ourselves. If anything this past 2 years has taught me to own my decisions and allow others to do the same.

Complainer

Today I heard a rumor... Someone I trust said that a person close to me told others  close to me that I would fine if I just stopped complaining so much. It hurt to hear because this is one of the people I turn to when life is hard.

The comment is true, I mean, my life would be better of I stopped complaining, but I honestly don't know how else to cope through uncertain times without just being downright frustrated. Yes, there could be worse trials- this I know- but I don't really know how to be real without complaining. I do see good in my life and I know that I am learning, but I also like to lay all my cards out on the table. I don't know how to cope if I keep things to myself. Maybe this is a skill I need to start working on, pronto.

I've been reading one of Emma Smith's biographies (Mormon Enigma) and its got me thinking about how people talk about the way you live your life. Emma Smith didn't keep a journal, or of she did, there are no records of them so all anyone knows about her is from the letters she wrote and the journals of other people.. Their interactions with her and their interpretation of what she said or how she handled herself. Its interesting how we want to know about people who keep themselves private. Emma was cool and composed for a reason and I totally respect her for that, especially with a life as hard as hers. But her story is still being written and told hundreds of years later and its all hearsay. I really want to know what she was thinking when her babies died and her husband took on other wives without her permission. Was it just too heartbreaking for her to express? Did she pray away all her frustrations? Or was it bottled up because she was afraid someone might someday read her deep, dark secrets? If I could talk to her today, I would let her know that I respect her for the way she chose to live her life and I don't really believe all of the accounts of what she did or didn't do because its not the real story. It may be factual and as close to the truth as we will ever get, but its not her story. She chose not to write it herself and she can remain a mysterious hero in my mind.

I've been writing in my old-school journals since I stopped blogging regularly. I started as an experiment and has become quite the ritual for me before bed. I mean, I've always journaled since I was a young girl, but picked up blogging because I could add pictures and print it out in yearbooks for my family and share our events with friends and family near and far. I often wonder if I will go back to documenting on the computer, but there's just something about a good pen and soft handwriting that keeps me writing just for myself. If you ever read these handwritten pages (or you're one of my confidants) you would know I do plenty of complaining. But I also write about ALL of the things I'm grateful for.

If you read my journals you would know that I think my kids are truly the best behaved kids on the planet. They are not perfect by any means, but they are such good people. I write about the little things they do during the day that make them special and darling and this is different than how I blog because if I posted it publically, it would come across as majorly bragging. I do facebook little bits and pieces, but I try not to brag often. I dont want anyone to assume that I take credit for their wonderfulness because I know they were born this way and its been a privilege to be their mother. I pray that I don't ruin them with all of the complaining I do.

Another thing you would read about in my handwritten journal is my marriage. It is the single most important relationship I will ever have and I kind of obsess over Aaron in my journals. How different we are and yet how we seem to always find a middle ground, even on the big things that don't seem to have a middle area. We find ways to compromise and support and love one another and its a beautiful, romantic, complicated story. Emma and The Prophet had a beautiful story (something I chose to believe even though Brigham swears that Emma tried to poison Joseph.)  I know they didn't agree on some very important issues. Yet, their love was deep. When he was killed, there is an account that Emma cried over his dead body and asked for his forgiveness. This picture is heartbreaking. Maybe because I see myself in the same position if my husband were to die now. I can almost hear the words.. "Please Aaron, forgive me for not behaving like you-- calm, collected, and full of wisdom. I have to learn everything through trial and error and I'm sorry if my mistakes affected you. Thank you for putting up with me." There is no account of what Joseph said to Emma when she joined him in heaven but I am going to suppose he apologized and thanked her too.

Emma and I are nothing alike, that is one thing I've realized while reading her story. But I found myself wanting to be more like her in so many ways. Most of all, I've wanted to be more supportive of my own husband. Emma did not support Joseph in everything, she was NOT a doormat, but she stood by him even though her family disapproved and strangers made fun of her and friends turned them away. She died saying that Joseph was what he said he was and that support throughout her life is inspiring. All I want to be is to be supportive of Aaron. I want to be the person be can turn to when life is hard. He has definitely been that person for me. Tonight when I told him how hurt my feelings were because someone said I complain too much, he smiled and put his fingers through my hair and said, "I'm sorry. I don't think you're a complainer at all, and my opinion is the only one that matters." And he's always right.