Complainer

Today I heard a rumor... Someone I trust said that a person close to me told others  close to me that I would fine if I just stopped complaining so much. It hurt to hear because this is one of the people I turn to when life is hard.

The comment is true, I mean, my life would be better of I stopped complaining, but I honestly don't know how else to cope through uncertain times without just being downright frustrated. Yes, there could be worse trials- this I know- but I don't really know how to be real without complaining. I do see good in my life and I know that I am learning, but I also like to lay all my cards out on the table. I don't know how to cope if I keep things to myself. Maybe this is a skill I need to start working on, pronto.

I've been reading one of Emma Smith's biographies (Mormon Enigma) and its got me thinking about how people talk about the way you live your life. Emma Smith didn't keep a journal, or of she did, there are no records of them so all anyone knows about her is from the letters she wrote and the journals of other people.. Their interactions with her and their interpretation of what she said or how she handled herself. Its interesting how we want to know about people who keep themselves private. Emma was cool and composed for a reason and I totally respect her for that, especially with a life as hard as hers. But her story is still being written and told hundreds of years later and its all hearsay. I really want to know what she was thinking when her babies died and her husband took on other wives without her permission. Was it just too heartbreaking for her to express? Did she pray away all her frustrations? Or was it bottled up because she was afraid someone might someday read her deep, dark secrets? If I could talk to her today, I would let her know that I respect her for the way she chose to live her life and I don't really believe all of the accounts of what she did or didn't do because its not the real story. It may be factual and as close to the truth as we will ever get, but its not her story. She chose not to write it herself and she can remain a mysterious hero in my mind.

I've been writing in my old-school journals since I stopped blogging regularly. I started as an experiment and has become quite the ritual for me before bed. I mean, I've always journaled since I was a young girl, but picked up blogging because I could add pictures and print it out in yearbooks for my family and share our events with friends and family near and far. I often wonder if I will go back to documenting on the computer, but there's just something about a good pen and soft handwriting that keeps me writing just for myself. If you ever read these handwritten pages (or you're one of my confidants) you would know I do plenty of complaining. But I also write about ALL of the things I'm grateful for.

If you read my journals you would know that I think my kids are truly the best behaved kids on the planet. They are not perfect by any means, but they are such good people. I write about the little things they do during the day that make them special and darling and this is different than how I blog because if I posted it publically, it would come across as majorly bragging. I do facebook little bits and pieces, but I try not to brag often. I dont want anyone to assume that I take credit for their wonderfulness because I know they were born this way and its been a privilege to be their mother. I pray that I don't ruin them with all of the complaining I do.

Another thing you would read about in my handwritten journal is my marriage. It is the single most important relationship I will ever have and I kind of obsess over Aaron in my journals. How different we are and yet how we seem to always find a middle ground, even on the big things that don't seem to have a middle area. We find ways to compromise and support and love one another and its a beautiful, romantic, complicated story. Emma and The Prophet had a beautiful story (something I chose to believe even though Brigham swears that Emma tried to poison Joseph.)  I know they didn't agree on some very important issues. Yet, their love was deep. When he was killed, there is an account that Emma cried over his dead body and asked for his forgiveness. This picture is heartbreaking. Maybe because I see myself in the same position if my husband were to die now. I can almost hear the words.. "Please Aaron, forgive me for not behaving like you-- calm, collected, and full of wisdom. I have to learn everything through trial and error and I'm sorry if my mistakes affected you. Thank you for putting up with me." There is no account of what Joseph said to Emma when she joined him in heaven but I am going to suppose he apologized and thanked her too.

Emma and I are nothing alike, that is one thing I've realized while reading her story. But I found myself wanting to be more like her in so many ways. Most of all, I've wanted to be more supportive of my own husband. Emma did not support Joseph in everything, she was NOT a doormat, but she stood by him even though her family disapproved and strangers made fun of her and friends turned them away. She died saying that Joseph was what he said he was and that support throughout her life is inspiring. All I want to be is to be supportive of Aaron. I want to be the person be can turn to when life is hard. He has definitely been that person for me. Tonight when I told him how hurt my feelings were because someone said I complain too much, he smiled and put his fingers through my hair and said, "I'm sorry. I don't think you're a complainer at all, and my opinion is the only one that matters." And he's always right.