The Wisdom of Dr Shefali

Writing this from my phone, hoping I can copy and paste quotes I love.. 

A good place to start reading (or watching videos) is the amazing Dr Shefali Tsabary. I absolutely love and agree with everything she says.. Her books are so on point and hit the chore of optimistic, authentic parenting.

Here are a few quotes to ponder on--

Our children come running to us seeking solace and comfort. They want to be heard, understood, accepted and supported. To do this would mean we would need to be present, attuned, engaged and receptive – to them. Unfortunately however, when our children come to us seeking our engagement, instead of attuning to them and their needs, we attune to our own. - Dr. Shefali Tsabary

        Once you accept your children’s basic nature, you can contour your style to meet their temperament. To do so means letting go of your fantasies of yourself as a certain kind of parent and instead evolving into the parent you need to be for the particular child in front of you.

Shefali Tsabary, The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children

       To enter into a state of pure connection with your child, you can achieve this by setting aside any sense of superiority.

Shefali Tsabary, The Conscious Parent

When you parent, it’s crucial you realize you aren’t raising a “mini me,” but a spirit throbbing with its own signature. For this reason, it’s important to separate who you are from who each of your children is. Children aren’t ours to possess or own in any way. When we know this in the depths of our soul, we tailor our raising of them to their needs, rather than molding them to fit our needs. The Conscious Parent

       Only when we are responsive to the moment instead of driven by our agenda can we meet our children where they need to be met. When we connect effectively, there’s no drama. We deal with issues for what they are. This maintains the connection that’s the foundation of a child’s healthy development.

Shefali Tsabary, Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... and What Will

       When your child sees you are genuinely interested in interacting with him and not just looking for a way to change him, he’ll begin to open up. But let me warn you, it will take time. You’ll have to build trust one brick at a time. To do this, you can’t let his rejection of you trigger you. See it as part of the process. It will help if you stay in touch with the fact he’s only showing you how he has felt for many years.” Children aren’t naturally closed off. On the contrary, they are open and willing to share themselves as long as it feels safe to do so. Children want us to see their inherent goodness, regardless of their external behavior at a particular moment. They delight in assurance their misbehavior won’t faze us. To accept them unconditionally is what it means to witness our children.

Shefali Tsabary, Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... and What Will

       Because children are essentially good, when we see a child hit, it ought to evoke in us an empathic response such as, “What pain they must be in to feel the need to hit.

Shefali Tsabary, Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... and What Will

When our children frustrate us to the point of no return or behave in an absolutely unconscionable manner our first reaction is to take things very personally. We yell, scream, curse and control. We dominate, punish, threaten and intimidate. We do everything in our power to get our children to toe the line and come under our influence. This is our first mistake: We get our egos involved and take things to an extremely personal place. Once we are activated on this level, it is extremely hard to act with reason and balance.

Instead, we need to realize: Our children are going to mess up whether we like it or not. This is not necessarily a reflection of our ability to parent as much as it is the fact that our children are human and therefore susceptible to major faux pas. Most importantly, their behaviors are a call to us to parent them differently. In essence, their behaviors are a call for us to step off our pedestals of egoic dominance and instead, enter into a state of soulful education.

Containing our children has never been the problem. It is our emotionality that has. Our egos get hooked and we lose our ability to educate for the sake of education. We begin to project all sorts of emotions onto our children that were not theirs to bear, but instead ours to process and heal. It is here that we muddy the waters. If we were able to stay unemotional and simply teach our children the right way to behave, without drama, then we would have mastered the ability to contain our children the conscious way.

 -Dr Shefali Tsabary

optimistic parenting

A month ago I went to an amazing 3-day seminar in Provo called Limitless.  My husband was working long hours at the office that week and I was at the seminar from 8am-9pm.  I was unsure about leaving the kids, but I felt like it was important for me to go and invest in myself.  So I went, trusting that the kids could take care of themselves and still have productive days without me around.  At the end of each night, when I would sneak in around bedtime, I was amazed at what I found.  I returned to a clean house, dinner made and dishes done, happy kids, homework turned in, toys put away, floors swept and mopped... Aaron and I joked around that the kids were better when I was away than when I was home.  At the end of each day, I felt even better about leaving them and by day three I realized something pretty profound.  I wasn't just "blessed" with good kids.  The way that I raise them and the optimism they feel from me has transformed our home.  While at Limitless, I learned about affirmations and goal setting and positive thinking.  There are so many areas of my life that I need to improve, but raising my children is NOT one of those areas.  I've been applying some amazing tools to parenting since the day my kids came into the world and it shows in the way they behave.  On that day, a month ago, I decided I need to coach other parents/moms who feel overwhelmed with their children's behavior.  I've always wanted to write a book about it and I've started.  But I want and need to start coaching now because moms everywhere are going to bed feeling like failures and I can help them!  I can help you!  I've got some awesome clients and I've loved every minute of our sessions so far, with feedback that it's working (which is not surprising, because my tools are practical and fun!)

This coming Monday, March 28th, I am officially launching my coaching sessions and I'm super, super excited about it.  If you want more details, text me!  702-485-0028.  Or shoot me an email at janetleeshumway@gmail.com.  I will be doing classes, videos and personal phone calls to coach you through some of your rough parenting patches.. chores, bedtime and dinner routines, learning, travel, play time, adventure and most of all staying relaxed in a stressful situation.  I am confident I can give you the tools you need to raise confident, happy kids and create order and peace in your home.

Tonight I wanted to give you a quick update on each child, but I've decided to do one child at a time because they are all so unique and shouldn't be clumped together.  If it sounds like I am bragging, its because I want you to picture your success stories.  Your children have such potential to become responsible, fun, helpful people.. When they are encouraged and not lectured or punished.. Tonight I'm going to tell you about Benjamin.

BEN- 14.5 years old.  

How handsome is he?

 Ben is an amazing teenager.  He's a diligent scout, a dedicated teacher in his church quorum and an enthusiastic student.  He's halfway through his high school curriculum.  He works hard in school.  The week before Christmas, he got a box in the mail and he squealed.  He opened a 700 page American History book and he literally could.not.wait to crack it open.  Within 3 weeks, he had read every single page in the book and written papers about what he'd learned.  The History book's thick spine is broken and ripped because he wore it out.  He loved it so much and it shows all over the book!  He's aggressive about learning and I am inspired by him.  This week, his new Biology text book is in the mail... and he's checking everyday to see when it arrives (even though we have a tracking number...)  He's so cute about learning and it makes me more anxious to apply myself in my own educational goals.

this sign totally reminds me of my Ben.

When it comes to helping around the house, Ben is almost perfect.  He gets his jobs done quickly and efficiently.  Last week he came into my bedroom after seminary, so somewhere around 7 am.  He said that he unloaded the dishwasher and then realized his job wasn't dishes.  So then he went down to the laundry room and started a fresh load and then forgot that his job for rotation was actually the Dog and garbage.  He was laughing about it like "Man, I wish I could remember what job was mine."  I thanked him for all the help and then reassured him that his brothers would be happy about his forgetfulness.

this is a sight I often see and it warms my heart.  I love that they are cuddled up in the girls bed.

He's so sweet to read to the younger ones and has particularly taken Simon as his apprentice.  Simon idolizes him in every way and gladly will scrub toilets along side of him.  Ben is the BEST example to all of us.  One of the things I love most about Ben is that when I run errands without him, whether it's to the grocery store or to take the little ones to the library or wherever, when I arrive home and open the garage, Ben stops whatever he is doing and comes outside before I get out of the car.  He is there waiting to see how he can help.  It blows me away every time.  He will ask to carry in a sleeping baby or unload the heavy groceries or grab the mail for me if my hands are full.  He is a dream child and although I've always said he was "born that way" I now realize that it's more than luck.

More on the other kids in the following posts.. Stay tuned! Xoxo.

Love Languages

One of the things I loved most about living in Las Vegas (there is a long list of things I loved most about Vegas) was the book clubs I was fortunate enough to attend.  One of those groups was a COUPLES book club.  It was comprised of some amazing and intriguing couples and I loved being with them and discussing ideas and learning from them.  Since we've moved, I've known I needed to organize a new couples book club and finally, we had our first meeting and discussion last night.

Our evening together was everything I hoped it would be and more.  I am already looking forward to next month...

Last night we discussed The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.  This was supposed to be February's book club discussion #lovemonth, but it's been hard getting schedules worked out, so we moved it to March.  We discussed these languages in our marriages and also applied them to our relationships with our children and I learned so much.  This early Saturday morning (hello 5 am!) I wanted to document the love languages of my family while it's fresh on my mind.

Let's start youngest to oldest.

Eden's very easy to read.  Her love language has always been QUALITY TIME.  She doesn't care what she's doing, she wants to be near you.  She gives her full and undivided attention to whoever she's with.  She gives some serious quality time to all her baby dolls.  She wraps them up, sings to them, feeds them, puts them carefully to sleep.  She isn't clingy or needy.  She just wants to be in the same room.  Since she was born, I've had such a clear understanding that she wants to be close to me and near me.  She has a really hard time going to sleep on her own.  This is one reason I've nursed her for so long, she loves being close to me.  If she falls asleep in my arms or in my bed and I move her to her bed, it breaks her heart.  She will gladly sleep on the couch with kids playing in the same room, she loves the noise because that means people are near.  But the minute she gets left alone or left out of a situation, she's pretty sad.  One of the reasons she gets along so well with everyone is because it's easy to include her.  She won't cause problems or beg for attention, she is just so happy to be near you.  It's so easy to give Eden the quality time she deserves..

Roma is without a doubt a GIFTS girl.  She gives and receives love by wrapping and unwrapping gifts.  This is more difficult for me to understand and relate with because I am not a gifts person.  I don't naturally think in those ways and, for a long time, I saw those who loved material things as shallow people.  Roma has taught me a lot in this area and I now understand that it's just another meaningful way to express your love.  It's still a challenge to take her to the store because she wants to buy everything.  Not just for herself, but for all of her friends and siblings and cousins.  She needs those things to give away!  She is constantly picking out her favorite toys and clothes and accessories to gift.  She's thoughtful about it and I can see that it's just naturally where her thoughts go when she needs attention and how she shows it when she's feeling generous.  Most of her favorite items have already been gifted to her sister, and it's adorable.  She has piles in her room of things to give to people and that works well for us because it means that I can get rid of it. (if she knows its going to someone who wants or needs it, she will gladly give it up and donating items is the love language I speak well.)  It makes her happy to gift and it's pretty easy to please her with a simple gift.  One of my friends recently brought over a big box of girl clothes and shoes and she cannot stop talking about how much she loves all of her new things, "mom, you know your friend that gave me all my stuff?  I like, love her, so much."  One of the items was a big pink purse and she fills it with ALL of her things and carries it everywhere.  It boggles my mind because I hardly take a purse around, I am a very minimal person.  But now I just add my phone and wallet to Roma's purse and she can carry it around everywhere we go.  And that makes us both happy.

Simon is and always has been WORDS OF AFFIRMATION.  This boy was expressing his feelings early.  His speech was always clear and full of emotion.  There is no question about how Simon is doing.  He's usually feeling good because he talks it out.  He is a professional compliment-er.  He dishes out love through language like it's going out of style.  All day long he tells me what a good cook, reader & person I am.  "wow, mom you know to drive the car so good.  I love when you take us places and have fun with us.  You are the most funnest of any person on the planet."  Sometimes it comes across disingenuous because he's constantly complimenting everyone and you wonder if it's sincere.  But he is.  He means it and he appreciates it so much when you give him feedback on his own performance.  The cool thing about Simon (and something that I understand very personally) is that he's constantly giving himself words of affirmation so when you do compliment him, he naturally agrees with it.  It may seem conceited that he agrees with you when you tell him he's amazing, but it's darling and healthy.  He finds power in words and will always coach himself through a tough situation.  During long hikes or difficult chores, you can hear Simon encouraging himself through his words.  And one of my favorite memories EVER was watching him in agony over his broken arm.  He was in so much pain, but instead of crying or passing out, he repeated the same phrase over and over and over, "Never give up.  Never give up.  You are strong, never give up."  When I was there to coach him (verbally) he appreciated it so much and I could see how the words gave him power.  When the nurses tried to distract him with words "what's your favorite movie?" this bothered him so much.  He wanted them to focus on what they were doing and he verbally scolded them for talking about such nonsense.  It was awesome.  Simon is not a needy person whatsoever..  He just wants to talk and be heard, all day, everyday.  Eventually there will be a book titles "Simon Says" because he says so very much.

Zack is the most difficult for me to pinpoint and I think that's because he's a good mixture.  His top two are QUALITY TIME and GIFTS.  But PHYSICAL TOUCH comes in a close third.  Zack does best one-on-one.  He loves getting out of the house with just Mom or Dad.  He's always our errand runner.  If he's struggling completing a chore, it's easy to cheer up his mood by joining him and giving him extra attention.  Zack is fun and social, but Aaron and I joke that he would do well as an only child.   I don't think he shows or receives love by giving gifts, but his things mean SO MUCH to him.  He is a hoarder and has several special places where he stores his things.  He has a harder time parting with items that were given to him because they represent the love he has for the person or experience from where the item came.  If he loses something or misplaces it, tears come.  It's tender and I have grown to be more understanding of how he must feel when he can't find what he's looking for.  I believe physical touch is very important to him as well because during his quality time, he loves to give massages or back scratches and he's good at it!  I constantly tell him he could do it for a living, because he's talented.  While reading scriptures as a family, Zack is quick to figure out a way he can scratch my back or even better, rub my feet! while everyone reads.  He's such a sweetheart and kind of needs love and attention in all of the ways he shows it.

Luke is PHYSICAL TOUCH all the way.  He's a cuddle bug and I love that about him.  As a baby, he would literally mold his body to mine.  I called him my chimpanzee because his legs and arms seemed Velcro-ed around my waist and neck.  I didn't even need to hold on to him because he would not let me let him go.  I have very early images of Luke melting when others would tickle his back and put their arm around him.  I laugh thinking about how much he LOVED getting his hair cut from the time he was only a few months old.  It was so relaxing for him for his head to be touched that he would fall asleep every time.  Even now as I cut my boys' hair, Luke will sit in the chair for as long as I need to take.  I try to do a good job and take my time, and my other boys want to be done as soon as possible.  But Luke won't ever complain.  His body temp is always warm and it's so soothing to snuggle up next to him.  He's quick to climb in bed with me in the mornings and he would prefer that I read stories or tuck him in at night by laying down for a minute and tickling his arm or back.  He doesn't naturally offer hugs or hold hands, but he will never turn it down.  He's a natural with babies because he understands the power of touch and they sense a calmness and security about the way he cares for them.  He and Aaron can get a baby to fall asleep easily and quickly and it's amazing to watch.  Luke is a cuddly teddybear and he's so easy to love.

Ben is ACTS OF SERVICE.  Having my oldest child show love by serving is such a gift.  If Ben thinks I need cheering up, he's finding a way to serve.  He does dishes, mops the kitchen floor, makes my bed, folds laundry, you name it.  Sometimes it's hard for me to return the favors because there's only so many ways I can serve him, you know?  But he's so appreciative when I do.  He sees dinner as an act of service and will be sure to thank me for the time I put into it.  If Aaron asks the kids to do a chore, Ben will waste no time in getting it done.  Often I will ask Ben to take out the trash or grab something for me and to my surprise, he's already done it!  This happens all the time and Ben wonders why I didn't notice it sooner.  I feel bad for him in a way because he's really a servant in our home and is constantly giving of himself.  But it makes him feel good.  He watches for ways he can help everyone (he offers to buy pizza, he loves to babysit while we go out, he helps the others clean their rooms, etc.) and he's happier for it.  Everyone needs a Ben in their life.  He's going to make an incredible husband and father because he lives to serve and help.  So grateful for all that he does for me.

Aaron is kind of a combination too, but his dominant love language is QUALITY TIME.  When Aaron is home, he's home all the way.  He walks through the door and he's all ours.  He plays with the kids whole-heartedly and they feel it.  He gives me all the time I need and more.  He's always been good about taking me out for a weekly date, and recently we've added in a second Wednesday lunch date.  It's so nice to go out with him and connect away from the kids.  We always go to Cafe Rio on Wednesdays because of the tostada special and because it's located in between his office and our home.  But what's amazing about this Wednesday date is that Aaron insists on picking me up and bringing me home.  At first, I was like... why?  Let me meet you there, it's so much more convenient (and I may have errands to run afterward, etc.)  But it's about making the most of our time together and honestly, the drive to and from the restaurant has become my favorite part about Wednesday.  He doesn't usually come in the house to say hi to the kids, but when I arrive, he opens my door, holds my hand on the drive and makes it a real life date.  And when he drops me off at home, I am a new woman.  It's kind of amazing.  The details are important to someone who is a Quality Time lover and it makes me try to go the extra mile when spending time with him.  Cell phones and distractions are a killer for quality time and Aaron is never on his phone when important people are around.  It's so attractive to me that he gives of himself, because that really is the most unselfish way to love.

I am WORDS OF AFFIRMATION, always have been, probably always will be.  Its no surprise that I express my love through words.  Its how I receive it too and sometimes that's hard because mean words cut deep.  I really have a hard time with criticism.  Aaron and I have learned a lot about what the other needs we can laugh about our differences.  Aaron is a man of few words, so his quality time means less words and more attention on the details.  So if the two of us spend hours together and he says very little or in a moment of reflection, gives me criticism, it's hard because that time was all wasted!  But I've grown and he's getting better.  Several years ago, I sent him an email with the subject "Janet's Love Language 101" with a list of simple ways he can express his love verbally to me.  I will resend it to him every so often when I need to hear more out of him.  I am a great communicator and I don't want to have to rehash the same conversation, so this email is just a list of very simple suggestions and I think it helps.  Another joke we have is that when he sees me read old journals, cards or emails that he's sent me, it's a sign that my love tank is low.  It's not a cut to him in any way, but when I need to remember how much he loves me, I will pull out the emails and cards we sent to each other when we were engaged.  Because we didn't live in the same city and we didn't have cell phones, we shared all our feelings over email and those emails are priceless to me.  Just the other day I mentioned that I needed to pull that book out of storage because I haven't unpacked it since our move and Aaron said that he missed seeing that book too!  His life is significantly better when I read from it... Cause our personal love letters are better than any romance novel ever written.

Well it's now 5:28am.  I just wrote all of that in less than 30 minutes and it will probably take at least that long to read through.  I often feel weird about the length of my blog posts and amount of fb updates, but honestly, it just flows out of me, I can't stop it.  It's really how I connect and stay close with all of the people I love.  Last night during the book club discussion, Aaron and I talked about how when we were friends and dating, he didn't believe me when I complimented him because he felt like my words were cheap.  He said LOVE with so much intention and he didn't freely give it.  But in the short time we'd known each other, he saw me throw that word around all the time, so it had less meaning.  But the thing is, I really do love all of the people that I say I do.  I really consider all of my best friends the most wonderful friends in the world and just because they are great in number doesn't mean I love them any less.  We've come to really appreciate and understand the way the other expresses and shows love and it's been so good for our marriage and our family.  Out of all of the people I love, he's at the top of my list and I can show that love by giving him my undivided attention and not try to share it with everyone.  He will never read these words on my blog and that used to make me feel bad, but it's just not important to him to hear it or read my feelings.  He prides himself in the fact that he knows me better and understands me without having to read or hear me talk and  he's 100% correct.  I've learned that it serves us both well to be ourselves and be open to receiving love in a way that's not natural for us because it develops our ability to see others in a new light and love more abundantly.

Have you read the book or the Love Languages for Children?  What is your Love Language?  Since I have each of the types living under my roof, what are some tips you've learned about the way you express and receive love?

xoxo.

Janet

the night everything changed for me

I love puzzles.  The bigger the puzzle, the more satisfaction when it's finally complete.  Right now, I am putting together a huge imaginary puzzle, the puzzle of my life.  Only problem is for the past two years, I've been missing so many pieces.  For a while there, I thought I was putting together several different puzzles mixed into one box and it sucked!  But my puzzle is bigger than I expected and all of the pieces belong together, just not sure where, yet. The past couple of years has been frustrating, but the border is coming together and it's starting to get exciting and intriguing. I cannot wait to see what eventually happens with it, I'm so excited about it that I can hardly sleep anymore.  I know it will be turn out beautiful and tender and emotional and so much fun to figure it out!  There are no missing pieces anymore.  I still don't know where or how they connect, but they all belong.

One of the mysteries we've been trying to solve is where to live.  Why has this been such a hard battle for us?  I don't know.  It's easy for people to make decisions like this and always has been for us in the past.  But for the past 2 years, it's been a huge challenge.. we've depleted our savings moving here and there and here and there again.  Opening your own firm in two different states in the middle of the moves is not cheap either, so it's all been so annoying!  Aaron and I have been in the same boat with how we felt-- and the best way I can describe it is that we didn't feel like we belonged where we were.  It's a terrible thing to feel, not belonging where you are.  It stayed with us no matter where we went and it was awful.  I'm so grateful to have moved past this experience.  and now I can write about it without crying.  jk.  I've haven't been very emotional.  Numb is more like it.  and confused and unsure of my own words.  Still not sure if I can explain it properly, but I'll give it a shot.

The moment I stopped feeling like I didn't belong where I was and started to feel like I always belong exactly where I am was somewhere in the middle of Las Vegas and Salt Lake City, around 2 am on a cold January night.  Just a few weeks ago.  Since that cold evening, my life has changed dramatically.

I'll try to paint the picture a little better with what was happening in that moment.  Over the Christmas Holidays Aaron was offered a couple of awesome job opportunities in warmer areas.  One of them was with an amazing firm in Vegas.  It's not even funny how opportunities pop up in the cities we are not living in, but that's been part of our puzzle recently.  So we seriously considered moving back.  It took about three weeks to process the decision. The last time I was in a place where I felt like I belonged, I was in Vegas, so I wanted to move back.  Aaron wanted to stay in Utah, even though turning down this job would be really, really difficult. We included our kids in the tough decision because that's how we parent.  Each one of our kids wanted to move back, except for Ben.  We wanted to find the perfect solution and talk about all of the different scenarios and nothing seemed right.  We couldn't make the best of both worlds and that was hard. 

It was the weekend of Zack's birthday and he was missing his friends and I just realized that we needed to go back to Vegas to visit.  We needed to go and it needed to be tomorrow.  There was no thought process whatever, we just needed to go.  I called my bff, she said "come on down!" (that's why she's my bff.)  And so I woke up in the morning, threw a few outfits, toothbrushes and pillows in the van and we left.  Ben and Aaron decided to stay (because they wanted to stay) and I left with my five little kids in a snow storm.  I didn't think about weather before I got in the car and it was bad!  But it was also good!  I love to be spontaneous and it didn't matter what came my way.  I almost stopped half way and checked into a hotel because the roads in Cedar were so scary... and my windshield wipers were broken!!  But we just took it real slow and enjoyed our drive.  

Zack and Luke each got to pick an activity in Vegas that we HAD to do that weekend.  We chose to take friends to the Coca-Cola and M&M store and then also hit a favorite park.  Those were the only items on our must-do list, easy enough.  I also wanted to walk through a few rental homes just.in.case Aaron decided he wanted to move back.  Because if we moved back, it would have been Feb 1st and that was only two weeks away.

We had the most fabulous weekend.  Taking the kids (and their friends) on the strip was almost as crazy as driving 400 miles in the snow.  I didn't bring a stroller for Eden and we walked a million miles and we were all hungry and everyone besides me was a child.  But it was oh so fun and I remembered what it was like to be the old me who would take kids to the strip just because we felt like it.  I was so at home.

After the strip we went to the park and it was freezing cold but not as cold as Utah so it was warm!  I sat there in our favorite spot, watching my favorite kids play with their best friends and then my friends started showing up.  You guys, it was so weird.  If I had been smart enough to call my four closest people in Vegas to tell them to meet me at the park, I would have called these friends.  But I didn't do that and they showed up anyway.  At first it was just a silly coincidence but by the time the fourth showed up (with her camera to scope out the park for a photo shoot) I had to take a picture.  I wish I could have gotten Kelly in the shot, but this will have to do.  I love these ladies with all of my heart.

The next day was Zack's birthday and he was SO happy to be staying and his best buddies house.  Luke, Simon and Eden came with me to look at a few houses while Roma and Zack went to church with Jane and her kids.  It was a pretty quick trip, but Simon and Luke were hungry.  I told them after we walked through the house, I'd stop to grab something.  We end up going to this random Subway in the middle of nowhere and really, the whole situation was odd.  It was a Sunday, we should have gone through a drive-through because Eden had just barfed and I had to change her back into her pjs.  I wasn't eating, so I should have just sent in Luke with money (totally typical of me.)  But I parked, I went inside with everyone and guess who was there?  Aaron's old favorite secretary who just-so-happens to be the new secretary of the new office where he was considering taking a position.  She was just the exact person I needed to see.  And the first thing she said was that she was dying to talk to me.  She is so darling and we were able to chat and talk about our dilemma in moving and the new job offer and it was no coincidence whatsoever.   

To have such serendipitous moments back-to-back on such a spontaneous trip (after feeling like I was never where I belonged for the past 18 months) was significant for me.  Like, huge.  I spent my Sunday service at Calico Basin where my heart always longs to be and it was a perfect day.  That night, we had birthday cake for Zack surrounded by our favorite friends and it was so special.  Later, I watched the sun go down in the desert sky and it was all I needed out of Vegas.  I knew it was time to go back to my husband and my oldest and leave the city I loved.

I packed up my kids after the sun went down and started to drive back home.  I can't tell you why I did that exactly (insert: I'm crazy) but I just knew I needed to make that drive in the dark.  I was so full of love and gratitude and I knew my kids would sleep the entire drive and I really needed the time to think and it was just the right thing to do.  I called Aaron to tell him I was on my way back with the kids and he laughed and supported me and talked to me for the first hour or so.  I told him about my quick trip, and all the people I love and the city that was always so good to us, and the sunset.  Only Aaron knows how much I truly love a desert sunset.  I hung up with him and cried happy tears.  It feels so good to leave a city you love.  I have so much appreciation for who I became while living there and for what I learned while moving away.  But ahead of me was my future.  And even though the drive was 6 hours, I could see the lights of my destination on the horizon, as if it was only minutes away.  I knew that it would be a smooth and quick drive and that everything I was looking for was within reach.  Those 6 hours literally felt like 20 minutes.  

On that quiet dark drive, I processed everything.  I cried a little, but mostly I thought about my experience in Vegas and asked myself why I loved it so. I came to the conclusion that I loved it because I wanted to love it.  I chose it with my whole heart.  I found beauty in the people, in the scenery, in my home, in the memories my family made together.  I loved everyday there.  And I can love every day here, if I choose to.  That moment I chose to return to myself.  I reconnected with that person who loved her life, someone who found humor in every moment and who made total strangers her best friend and who lost her breath in nature and who genuinely enjoyed life.  I missed her and she was always inside of me.  I apologized to myself for not recognizing it sooner and I forgave myself immediately.  And then I laughed and drove and looked forward to what was coming.  My bed, my house, my husband, my extended family, my future.

Since that day I've been happy every day.  Every single day I have been able to reconnect with that deep part of myself who genuinely loves life.  I enjoy my alone time and I absolutely love my time with friends and family.  I find beauty in everything around me.  The mountains, the trees, the grass the sunsets (they are still just as beautiful, believe it or not.)  I love my friends in Vegas so deeply, but there is room enough in my heart for everyone and I know I have close friends who've I've never met.  I look for them in everyone.  I seek out the good and I am so grateful for what I find.  I belong where I am, no matter where I go.

With that said, we still don't know where we will end up, but it doesn't matter anymore.  I have zero stress or frustration or confusion.  I am putting the pieces together one by one and until we have it all figured out, I am completely and totally enjoying the journey.  I've decided to coach other people out of their frustrating situations because I've always had the tools to get myself out, I just wasn't sure how to use those tools.  I see so much power in myself, which allows me to see so much power and potential in everyone.  I truly cannot see another human or animal or be in nature and NOT feel this burst of energy fill my soul.  It's like electricity that makes me want to jump out of bed in the morning.  I love being me and I love where I am in this beautiful experience we call life.  

It's now midnight and my silly girls (who are now adjusting to sleeping in the same bed) are finally asleep, so I am going to cuddle in my own bed with my husband.  More than ever, I am head over heels in love.  I will have to document later about all of the many times Aaron held it together when I did not.  And my cute kids... I will update all about them soon.  They are my whole world and I can't wait to mug on their freckled faces tomorrow.

If you are reading this, know that you have a purpose and that you have all of the tools you need.  Sometimes it's hard to see it.  If you are struggling to love yourself or your life or your spouse or your job or position, I am so sorry.  I've been there.  If you need someone to talk to, please comment or email me or text me anytime.  I would love to chat and walk with you.  Your future is so bright and your destination is closer than you realize.  xoxo.

ps.  quick side note about the pictures I posted of myself.  I have been in funk for a long time and you would think I would be ashamed of what I look like-- chubby, no makeup, messy hair, just all around slobby looking.  But I am not ashamed whatsoever.  That girl (me) went through some really rough, dark times and she came away so much stronger and better. I'm really proud of her and I love her exactly the way she is.  

Baby Bruce's Blessing

We just spent a weekend with the extended Shumfam.  I married into a wonderful family and I feel so grateful for each of them.

Aaron's littlest sister, Jade, had her second baby boy.  Is there a more masculine and handsome name than BRUCE CALVIN?  I think not.  We are all in love with little Bruce.  I quietly call him Bruiser.  He was blessed this weekend and Aaron's parents and little sister Coco came in for the blessing.  As always, it was so good to see everyone.  It was a quick trip for the parents, but how fun that we could celebrate Eden's birthday with them.

My mother-in-law is young at heart and smoking hot.  She is so kind and always bearing goodies for the kids.  She's a gift-giver and I want to be more like her, always thinking of others.  She is fun, playful and social.  She has friends everywhere she goes.  Her heart is huge and she gets emotional each time we're together and it kind of breaks my heart because she doesn't get to spend enough time with her grandkids.  They love her dearly and I am determined to find a way to live closer to them and soon.  Life is too short to not spend time with Grandparents, especially when they are as loving and kind as Aaron's parents.  I feel lucky to have a friend and supporter in Brandy.  This weekend I've decided to call them Mom and Dad instead of their first names.  They have loved me and welcomed me into their family with open arms and it's about time I switch over.

Ben is taller!  That happened way too fast!

If my husband could age like his Dad, we'll all be in good shape.  Dad is a firecracker.  He is an idea-man and I always love to sit around and talk to him about his recent dreams and goals,  We never have enough time, of course, because there are kids and babies that need to be cared for, so that makes me even more determined to live closer to them.  Dad is well-read and full of wisdom.  I love and respect his zest for life.  Some of my favorite memories of this weekend are watching Roma maul all over Grandfather.  She loves to hug him and pull on his legs and hold his hand.  I think he likes it okay too.  Simon didn't stop talking all weekend, because talking is what Simon does best.  Several times I found Simon chatting up a storm, and Stan's face was priceless.  I don't think Grandfather can understand anything Simon says.  His hearing isn't great and Simon talks so fast and passionately, than unless you're used to it, it may be hard to follow.  Anyway, there was more than once that made me giggle while watching the two of them together.  Ben and I were sitting across the room from each other and both started laughing at the same time because we knew Simon was talking nonsense to Grandfather and he hadn't a clue how to respond or what to say back..  We laughed because there's no reason to say anything back.  Simon will be satisfied with the conversation as long as he's allowed to talk. Just nod your head and pretend like you believe him.  I do it everyday and it works like a charm.

Cody and Jake came up from Arizona for the weekend, and that makes it a full-blown party.  They are both the hippest and hippiest couple and I want to learn their art of being realists.  Cody was the second Shumway I fell in love with.  First Aaron, second Cody.  She is spunky and fun and happy.  She is unique and naturally beautiful.  She found a unique husband who compliments her well.  At first, I wasn't so sure about Jake because he's an oddball.  But my heart grew to love him quickly.  He's musical and artistic and always interesting to talk to.  Jake and I chat about intelligent stuff like podcasts and ideas and ways to make money.  But it's always balanced with stories that make absolutely no sense and phrases that were made up on the spot.  Jake and Cody are hilarious and something tells me they have a good time together.  With good looks like that, they'd have to be having a good time, always.  I don't tell them in person (often) but I can't help but be around them and not think about the handsome babies they could make.  I am dying for a red-headed Booshay baby.  We really want to live next door to them, but they need to produce some cousins for our kids in a major way.  We love babies around these parts.

Speaking of babies.  Let's talk about Bruce again.  And his brother Ezekiel.  Jade and John are rockstar parents.  John is working and in school (mr nurse) and they are killing it with two kids.  John is an awesome Dad and a favorite uncle to my boys.  He's one of 11 children and he knows what kids like.  Food, games, pizza, adventure.  He's a chilled-back dad and doesn't sweat the small stuff.  This is good for Jade.  She impresses me all the time with her mothering and wifing skills.  She is also very unique and I love her so.  She lives close (an hour away) but we don't get together often enough.  I love chatting with Jade because she's a gorgeous girl, but she's kind of like a dude when it comes to drama and friendships and life.  Which means, she is cool with everything and doesn't read into it or make it anything it's not.  She wears her feelings on her sleeve.  She says it like it is and you never wonder if she's bothered, because she will say so if she is.  And she says it so sweetly and frankly and it's awesome.  She's the baby of the family, but she kind of keeps them all in line and I just love to be around her.  It's been so fun to watch her blossom into this amazing, capable, caring momma.  Her boys are so well-behaved and sweet.  They are lucky to have such good parents.

We were totally missing the rest of the family this weekend.  Aaron was able to see his brother and family last weekend after the tennis tournament and I am jealous about that.  My boys miss their Texan and California cousins.  It's hard to stay close when life is busy and everyone is spread out, but I am determined to figure out a way see each other more often.  Roadtripping might need to happen very soon.  With everyone in different states, this bus of ours is going to come in handy...

Sunday was the baby blessing and Monday was lunch and Scheels.  And that was the extent of our visit.  It was short and bittersweet.  We drove away with all of our kids wishing the family could come back to our house and stay longer.  I'm grateful that despite the distance, we are still able to see them often, enough and that our kids can remain close with them.  Eden was the only one that stayed in her shell, but each time she gets a little more comfortable.  Pretty soon she's going to look them in the eye and say real words instead of hiding her chin in her neck.  And maybe by then we can train Simon to behave with real manners, but I doubt it.

Being around my in-laws makes me more in love with my husband, like I can't keep my hands off of him afterward.  Not sure why that is.  Maybe because I appreciate where he comes from or because I love watching him interact with his sisters.  He lived with the Little Squirrels the summer before we were married and he had a lot of girls interested in him that summer.  I was not one of those girls, and that was a huge mistake on my part.  So when we get together, I feel bad about that and then try to make up for it by kissing his face off.  I just get really sentimental watching him with his parents and siblings.

three of my favorites.  how cute are they?

And man, when he puts a fussy baby to sleep with a few bounces, it's attractive.  He's definitely got a magic touch.  Love this baby and his handsome uncle.

Eden turns TWO!

Dear Darling Eden,

Today you turned TWO!  Two whole years since that beautiful day we first met.  Right now I am sitting on your bedroom floor and you are sleeping on my leg.  You have a hard time falling asleep on your own, but if I'm next to you, especially touching, you melt on my skin.  It reminds me so much of the day you were born.  Every time I put you in your bassinet, just next to my bed, you squeaked the tiniest little complaint and asked me to hold you.  Your first nap was right on my chest and since then you've taken a hundred similar naps in my arms.  I love to cuddle up to you just as much.

Thinking back to that beautiful day in the hospital when your siblings came in and gushed over you and your Daddy and I almost felt our hearts burst because they were so full of love, it makes more sense..  I understand WHY we felt so grateful and blessed and peaceful.  Why we felt this overwhelming sense of heaven.  Why we knew our lives would be better because you are now a part of it.  For the past 24 months, we have been grateful for you.  You are my gift and I thank God for you at least once a day.  

Two weeks before you were born, Dad was laid off from his job.  Neither of us were too stressed because we were ready for change.  We knew was all going to work out, but we weren't sure how or when or where we would live.  Since that day, we've moved here and there and driven about a million miles talking about our future, where we want to raise you, wondering where we belong.  Out of every baby I've ever known, you are the most easy-going, flexible, understanding, forgiving, happy, sweet, adaptable, loving soul.  You will go wherever and smile along the way.  You are just so amazing and darling and adorable.  You mold yourself to the situation and get comfortable real quick, as long as I am close by.

Your siblings could not love you any more.  They fight over who gets to dress you, feed you, hold you.  You willing go to them and love being around them, but it's pretty clear that Roma is your favorite.  You idolize Ro and want to sit by her, even though she's not always the nicest person.  She can get you to laugh in an instant and you forgive so quickly.  The two of you are already the best of friends and it's so rewarding to watch.  Tonight after we sang to you (with cousins all around) we waited for you to blow out your two candles and you tried, meekly.  After a couple of attempts, you said loud enough for all to hear, "Roma, blow them!"  You wanted and needed her help and she happily counted so the two of you could blow them out together.  It was tender and sweet and so typical of you.  Daddy and I smiled at each other.  We feel so lucky to have you in our family and in our home.

You are a smart little girl and speak your mind.  There is not anything you can't say, and your brothers love to get you to repeat silly phrases.  You sing songs and love to do all the actions.  You speak in sentences, and use all filler words like "if, and, the, so, to and but."  You speak slowly as if you're piecing the sentence together the right way.  The other night you woke up and came to my bed.  So sweetly and softly you said, "Mom, where... is.. my.. milk?"  When I said it was downstairs in the kitchen, you kindly said, "We.. have... to... go.. and.. find... it!"  That was enough to get me out of bed and make you a bottle because how could I deny such sweet a voice?  You know everyone's names (including each of your cousins) and especially love all of the babies and toddlers.  I love to hear you yell for Simon.  You say it so clear and silly.  Because usually he's in trouble or needs a scolding, so you can give it to him.  You also say, "Sunny! No!"  As if you only have one command for our dog.  Sunny obeys you well, even though she's three times your size.  She can knock you over with her tail and that makes you really sad.  

You love nursery, taking baths, making silly faces in the mirror, brushing your teeth, combing your siblings hair, painting nails, eating, playing outside, running, jumping on the bed, watching Elsa and Anna (Elsya/Anyia on youtube), cuddling on the couch, reading books, taking naps, anything to do with puppies and kittens, and most of all holding your baby dolls.  You wrap your babies up in blankets, towels, wipes, and kleenexes.  You always make sure they are warm and cuddled.  Lately you've been loving on Spiderman and you cuddle him and say so softly, "Spiderman, you wanna go night-night?"  And then you give him a bottle and put him down for a nap.

I'm still nursing you!  Not because you need to, but just because.  You are the sweetest, softest, cuddliest little nurser and neither of us have wanted to stop.  I don't have any more milk, so I think today was your last day.  I just kept going so I could say I nursed you until two.  It was for bragging rights.  Because you talk so well, you will cuddle up to me and clearly say, "Can I nurse?"  I usually say no, and you smile and say, "Okay.  Can I have a bottle?"  As if you know the answer is yes.  When someone is pouring the bottle you ask, "Warm or cold?  I want warm!"  When Daddy holds you up to the microwave, you squeal, "It's almost ready!"  Your voice is so cute and sweet and soft.  You get shy around most people and sometimes even when Dad is busy and you haven't seen him in a while, you pull silly faces around him, as if you want to talk and play with him, but you're just too shy at first.  Daddy usually pulls the faces back to you and we all laugh.  It's pretty funny.

For your birthday today we went to lunch with Daddy, your siblings, Grandmother, Grandfather, Jade, John and their boys.  You got mac and cheese and french fries and didn't eat a bite.  You dipped your fries in ketchup and licked it off.  When it came time to sing to you, we got a piece of chocolate cream pie, and you blushed pretty sweetly.  After lunch we went to Scheels.  We watched the big kids ride the ferris wheel and you were more than happy to sit by Bruce in the cart and point out that he was sleeping.  I wish I would have counted how many times you said, "Look!  Mom!  The baby is sleeping!"  because it was probably close to one hundred times.  You couldn't take your eyes off of him even though there was so much going on around you.  I wonder if you want or need a baby sibling, but for now, we are pretty content with you being our baby.  You make a perfect little caboose, but there are times that make me feel like having a younger sibling would be really good for you.  If it was up to you, we'd have a real baby for you to hold everyday.  You are a little obsessed!

Tomorrow life will go on as normal.  We have a pretty good thing going on around our house.  We play, eat, cuddle, read, push you in the stroller, take naps, bathe and go to sleep.  Your siblings are around you all of the time and you're very comfortable playing games with them.  The other day we saw you push up a chair to the ping pong table and said, "Who's ready?  I hit the ball!"  It gave us all a laugh because we could barely see your head over the top of the table.  We look forward to watching you learn and grow and get some more hair on the your head.  Roma still prays that you will grow hair and teeth every.single.prayer.  If one of us forgets, she will be sure to interrupt and remind us!  It's important, you know.  You can thank her when you're older.

We love you so much Edee.  You are just where you belong and we hope you always feel comfortable and happy and silly.  We have all the confidence that this year of TWOs will be terrific.  

Goodnight, sweetheart.  I love you forever.

Mom 

an adventurous, passionate, weird life.

Hello my beautiful, wonderful people. I am not sure who is reading my blog these days, but if you're reading I am so glad.  Welcome.  Let's be friends.

I took a break from blogging for a while.  I've resorted to handwritten journals and it's served me so well, but now I am ready to do both again.  I love writing with a nice pen in a pretty book.  But I am missing the connection I get from the outside world.  I miss you.  And for what it's worth, I am so glad we're reconnecting.

yes please. 

It's 5:30 on Sunday morning.  Daylight savings today.  I literally don't know what time it is.  My kitchen clock says an hour later than my phone, which is weird. Someone must have set my kitchen clocks forward already (I'd bet money on Ben) but my phone should automatically change times.  The movie trailer of Saving Daylight is so my life.  Someone just please tell me what time it is.  I don't care, just tell me!  I was up until midnight talking to my husband and then texting my bff Karlin until much later and I LOST an hour sometime after that..  So I cannot even tell you how much sleep I've had.  Let's round up and say 3 hours.  But, no matter what time I go to bed, my internal clock wakes up before the sun and I feel ready to take on the day. I love this about myself.

Aaron has been gone all week in California doing what he loves best, watching and playing tennis.  Last year we went to this tournament together in our first bus trip and it was magical.  But this year, it was best for him to go alone.  It felt so good to let him go and not wish we were tagging along.  This was HIS week and he had a blast.  We sent him off with love notes and a bags of goodies and well wishes.  He is the most amazing husband, father and human.  He makes our lives better everyday and needs a break every so often.

ice cream at midnight in the middle of the week.  

The kids and I had the BEST week.  I don't know why I was so excited with my time alone with them, but for some reason I felt free.  Aaron is not my boss, but sometimes I make him so.  I want so badly to please him and make our house comfortable for him that it can bring an added stress into my life.  That's something I will have to work on now that he's back.  But when he was away, it was a party everyday.  Some days we went to bed early, because I love early bedtime.  And other nights the seven of us went shopping at 11 pm to buy ice cream and then had a dance party at midnight.  There were no rules or schedules and that's how I operate best.  And it's good for the kids too.

Spring!

Later I will give you an update on each of my kids, but right now I am going to sum them up together.  They are the most creative, loving, kind, helpful, funny, delightful children.  I didn't expect there to be any whining or fighting while Aaron was away and I wasn't surprised when there wasn't any.. not a single squabble.  They play together happily.  They work along side me with ease.  Our house was clean.  Our bedrooms were organized.  Music was blasting.  Games were played.  Books were read.  So many books were read.  Television is no longer part of our life, except for Monday nights when Studio C is on.  We learn everyday about things that make us curious.  Spring is coming and we spent so much time outside. We held so many wiggly worms! We went hiking.  We ate all our meals at home, but they were odd foods, random things that sounded yummy at the time.  It was a free-for-all week and these adventurous, spontaneous, weird experiences make me feel free as a bird.  I don't want to be a single mom, but I would do it in a heartbeat with these kids.  They make my life better.  Having Aaron as a husband and dad is the cherry on top.

A poster the boys made and hung before dad came home.

Minutes after Aaron arrived home, I left for a birthday dinner party for my Aunt Nancy.  She turns 65 next week and she is the youngest 65 year old I know.  She's my dad's baby sister who has never been married and lives with her best friend Julie.  My sisters and I planned a girls night with delicious food and meaningful stories about Nancy and how she's influenced our lives.  Nance lives to serve others.  She carried for my widowed Grandma Roma for 20 years after the death of my Grandpa Fred.  She managed Roma's money, shopped for her, cut her grass, washed her dishes, washed her face, bathed her, found her missing dentures, you name it.  Towards the end of the party we started telling stories about Roma and could not stop laughing.  I got to a point to where I could hear my Grandma's scratchy voice and see her dancing in the middle of a crowd and my heart wanted to burst with love from where I've come.  What a wonderful family tree I was born into.  I am so extremely grateful I live by my Aunts and sisters and parents now.

Singing to Nance after a yummy Mexican dinner at Debs.

Driving home from the party, I wanted to cry with gratitude, but I smiled and laughed instead.  These are some of the stories that made me smile.

• After searching for Roma's dentures for hours all around her house, my Dad gave up searching and then Roma felt something down her cleavage and found them.  Nancy asked my Dad why he didn't look there and soon that became the first place to search for missing items.  
• Once when Nancy was a young adult, her mom (Roma) approached her and told her that her mother (Lola) said (Lola, my great-grandmother died at the age of 45 long before Nancy was ever born.)  This is the special quote that has been passed down from generation to generation. "There are two things that I like hard and one of them is ice cream."  This made me feel right at home in my family because I am a pervert and an ice cream lover.  This is a quote I will definitely be passing on to my daughters.  It would be a sin to let it die.  If I die before my daughters reach young adult hood, please tell them for me.  
• When Julie (Nancy's roommate for the past 25-30 years) needed to be introduced to Roma's extended family, Roma got a twinkle in her eye, wrapped her arm in Julie's and said, "This is my lover."  Julie was so embarrassed, she walked in another room to avoid the responses.  But now she proudly thinks of herself in such terms.  I like to think of myself as my Grandma's lover as well.  She loved me and everyone else around her.  She was such a people person.  A crazy person as well.
• While my brother was visiting Roma's house, he poured a bowl of cereal and cherry tomatoes came out with the milk.  Roma's response was, "Sorry.  I thought I got all of those out."  Nancy, telling the story, always had the best responses because she's such a straight-logical thinker.  You don't accidentally get several cherry tomatoes inside a milk carton.  What was she doing?  Whatever she wanted, and that's what made her so likable.
• My grandma was always dieting.  She would not try on a dress or outfit that Nancy and Julie had picked out for her unless it was a size 10.  But often, she fit better in a 12 or 14 or even 16.  They had to cut out the tags of her clothes because if she saw it was a bigger size, she would not wear it.  I never knew this about her.  
• One of the diets she tried was the baby food diet.  We laughed so hard about this.  Apparently she purchased and ate baby food for a while because she saw someone on tv go from big to little while eating only baby food.  She believed everything she saw.  
• She was a church goer.  Even in her worst health conditions, she would get up and get ready for church.  She would explain, "I'm a church girl."  Janet is NOT a church girl, so this inspired me.  I want to know what kind of girl I am and stick with it.
•  Nancy said that Roma was the funnest mom on the block.  Their house was always a mess, but her friends wanted to be at her house because her mom was always so interested in them and wanted them around.  This I believe with all of my heart.  She was ALWAYS so glad to have me at her house.  I loved being with her.  As a girl, when I had free time, I wanted to be sleeping at my Grandma's house and playing games and talking with her.  I want to be this kind of Grandma.  I believe I will be because I am this kind of mom.  I love having my kids around.
• We had so many stories of Roma naked.  I have dozen of memories and they are so natural that it never seemed weird to me as a child.  My Grandma was comfortable in her own skin.  If she was in the middle of a conversation but it was time for a bath or she needed to change her clothes, there was no point to stop the conversation.  She would just strip down in front of you.  She never needed privacy and that truly made me comfortable in my own skin.  I am my Grandmother's granddaughter.  If I didn't have to wear clothes, I wouldn't.  And I am dead serious when I say I would like to experience a nudist camp sometime in my life.  I must do this before I die.

one of my heroes.

There were so many other stories shared.  So much happiness in our memories.  I drove away thinking about my own little girl.  I can't believe I actually have my own Roma.   She is named after a legend, someone that I loved and admired with all of my heart.  She is totally her own person, but she is so much of me.  I am so grateful for my past and my present and know that we are all connected at the heart.

"Here's all of us girls.  Your body is crazy because it's always like... dancing." - Ro.  Mom gets her dance moves from Grandma Roma.

Happy Sunday.  Treat yourself to some ice cream this weekend.