The Wisdom of Dr Shefali

Writing this from my phone, hoping I can copy and paste quotes I love.. 

A good place to start reading (or watching videos) is the amazing Dr Shefali Tsabary. I absolutely love and agree with everything she says.. Her books are so on point and hit the chore of optimistic, authentic parenting.

Here are a few quotes to ponder on--

Our children come running to us seeking solace and comfort. They want to be heard, understood, accepted and supported. To do this would mean we would need to be present, attuned, engaged and receptive – to them. Unfortunately however, when our children come to us seeking our engagement, instead of attuning to them and their needs, we attune to our own. - Dr. Shefali Tsabary

        Once you accept your children’s basic nature, you can contour your style to meet their temperament. To do so means letting go of your fantasies of yourself as a certain kind of parent and instead evolving into the parent you need to be for the particular child in front of you.

Shefali Tsabary, The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children

       To enter into a state of pure connection with your child, you can achieve this by setting aside any sense of superiority.

Shefali Tsabary, The Conscious Parent

When you parent, it’s crucial you realize you aren’t raising a “mini me,” but a spirit throbbing with its own signature. For this reason, it’s important to separate who you are from who each of your children is. Children aren’t ours to possess or own in any way. When we know this in the depths of our soul, we tailor our raising of them to their needs, rather than molding them to fit our needs. The Conscious Parent

       Only when we are responsive to the moment instead of driven by our agenda can we meet our children where they need to be met. When we connect effectively, there’s no drama. We deal with issues for what they are. This maintains the connection that’s the foundation of a child’s healthy development.

Shefali Tsabary, Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... and What Will

       When your child sees you are genuinely interested in interacting with him and not just looking for a way to change him, he’ll begin to open up. But let me warn you, it will take time. You’ll have to build trust one brick at a time. To do this, you can’t let his rejection of you trigger you. See it as part of the process. It will help if you stay in touch with the fact he’s only showing you how he has felt for many years.” Children aren’t naturally closed off. On the contrary, they are open and willing to share themselves as long as it feels safe to do so. Children want us to see their inherent goodness, regardless of their external behavior at a particular moment. They delight in assurance their misbehavior won’t faze us. To accept them unconditionally is what it means to witness our children.

Shefali Tsabary, Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... and What Will

       Because children are essentially good, when we see a child hit, it ought to evoke in us an empathic response such as, “What pain they must be in to feel the need to hit.

Shefali Tsabary, Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... and What Will

When our children frustrate us to the point of no return or behave in an absolutely unconscionable manner our first reaction is to take things very personally. We yell, scream, curse and control. We dominate, punish, threaten and intimidate. We do everything in our power to get our children to toe the line and come under our influence. This is our first mistake: We get our egos involved and take things to an extremely personal place. Once we are activated on this level, it is extremely hard to act with reason and balance.

Instead, we need to realize: Our children are going to mess up whether we like it or not. This is not necessarily a reflection of our ability to parent as much as it is the fact that our children are human and therefore susceptible to major faux pas. Most importantly, their behaviors are a call to us to parent them differently. In essence, their behaviors are a call for us to step off our pedestals of egoic dominance and instead, enter into a state of soulful education.

Containing our children has never been the problem. It is our emotionality that has. Our egos get hooked and we lose our ability to educate for the sake of education. We begin to project all sorts of emotions onto our children that were not theirs to bear, but instead ours to process and heal. It is here that we muddy the waters. If we were able to stay unemotional and simply teach our children the right way to behave, without drama, then we would have mastered the ability to contain our children the conscious way.

 -Dr Shefali Tsabary