when kids don't naturally want to clean up water balloons on the patio

Today I set up parenting coaching calls back to back and I have a little break before my next call.  I decided to take a minute to write a blog post and share my recent thoughts..

Memorial weekend was crazy/fun in Vegas with my sister and her family staying for 4 nights.  Our house had 18 people all weekend, 14 of them children.  I found myself constantly doing dishes, picking up wet towels off the ground, sweeping up messes.  It was a challenge for my "mindful parenting" and a great way to practice what I preach.  I think I did pretty well overall, not losing my patience and trying to stay connected with these kids and trying NOT to get after them for what they weren't doing correctly.  (or for being wild and crazy, which naturally happens with 14 kids under your roof.) 

One thing I did "wrong" was make a certain group of boys pick up their water balloons on the patio before they went swimming in our pool.  A crazy water balloon fight took place the night before and nothing was cleaned up afterward.  I wanted to see a little "respect" after all the fun that was taking place.  When I requested that these boys (mine included) clean up the mess before they swam, they threw mini tantrums, which was completely uncalled for, which led to one boy changing out of his swimsuit and not swimming at all. Sounds like typical teenage behavior, but it's not how I want kids behaving after asking them to clean up after themselves.  What brats, right? 

I knew I was in the wrong about 3 minutes after the balloons were swept up.  My boys apologized for their behavior and I apologized for mine, but I knew I was wrong, 100% to blame.  I approached the situation as a dictator (you will not swim unless you behave the way I want you to) and then I put my foot down after they protested.  The balloons got cleaned up within a few minutes, but relationships were not strengthened through the process and that was a fail.  Connection is key and it's what I want with my children and nieces and nephews.  It's my goal with everyone I meet, actually.  I want to become closer to the people I am around.  I want to understand them better, see inside their world, feel what they feel.  I want to connect on a deep level.  And the water balloon scenario (although just a small part of our awesome weekend) was one instance where I put space in between relationships instead of strengthen them.  And that tiny indecent could have been more significant in those kids memories than all of the fun we had together.  

One nephew (who changed out of his swimsuit when asked to clean up the water balloons, who never apologized for being a total pain, who sometimes has the reputation for misbehaving) was having issues with everyone was later disciplined by his dad.  I am not sure what happened in the pool (I was in the kitchen) but I could hear that he was being a punk outside.  His parents were getting after him and then as punishment, he was thrown into the pool when he didn't want to go in. I don't know who was right or wrong, all I know is that this "smart-alec" teen came into my house sopping wet, without a towel and went upstairs to get away from what was going on outside.  I wanted to flip out because he was getting water everywhere, but instead I took a deep breathe and I tried to put myself in his situation... I saw into his tender soul and felt some serious pain he was going through.  Had I demanded that he go back outside and dry off (or even get a towel before stepping into my house) then I would have lost the ability to see him for what he was, a sweet teenage boy who was a little unsure of himself and how to behave.  A kid who just wanted to have fun and fit in.. When we stop demanding that people behave a certain way and we allow our egos to crumble, light enters and connection happens.  He may not feel connected to me, but I will forever remember that moment, him dripping wet and broken-hearted.  And me wanting and asking how I could help instead of making the situation worse.

As parents we have expectations for our little people.  We want for them to be respectful and kind and obey as they should.  The world says we need to step up and teach the next generation how to behave.  We need to set higher standards for them, demand that they work hard and behave well.  But I disagree with this approach.  I think we need our standards and expectations to drop.  We need to see these kids for who they are and meet them there.  As they FEEL the empathy we have for them, they will be less likely to rebel.  They will be attracted to warmth and acceptance and they will naturally behave better.  With the water balloon situation, I set a demand and expected them to follow.  They protested that the little girls needed to clean up too because they broke a few as well.  (the little girls were already swimming and I didn't believe them that the little girls made part of the mess.)  Instead of forcing them to clean, I wish I would have listened, pulled the girls out of the pool and have everyone work together instead of label them as poor sports.  They felt the judgement and responded like poor sports.

We are constantly projecting things on others and they respond with the behavior we project. Everyone we meet is giving us what we ask for, whether we believe it or not, people are a reflection of how we see them. Up until the water balloon scenario, I had been able to motivate the kids to work and be helpful and pitch in (while also staying completely relaxed when they were making messes.)  But I don't know what prompted me to get on my high horse and cause a fight.  I guess I stepped on my parenting stool and expected them to naturally clean up after themselves.  "Hey, lets clean up these water balloons after throwing them!" -- says no child ever.  Why was I setting such high expectations for them?  Because I had already done so much... cooked, cleaned, driven them places, allow them to relax and have fun... Naturally, they would WANT to clean up the mess they made on the patio.  For some reason in my mind, I got worked up over it and internalized it as a lack of respect for all that I was doing for them.  My negativity toward their "lack of respect" caused them to have an actual lack of respect toward me.  I created it all on my own because I am that powerful.  

The only thing we have control over is our OWN feelings.  We cannot ever control how a child behaves.  They will respond with love and respect if that is what we FEEL for them.  We cannot expect respect by controlling them.  If as adults we try to control the way the way children behave, we will get one of two outcomes.  Either the child will openly rebel against you (will not do what you say) or they will quietly obey and resent you for it in silence, but they are thinking what the rebellious ones are saying out loud.. To me, it's much healthier to have children openly freak out than to hide their negative feelings.  Because those negative feelings will eventually show up-- maybe not in words or feelings against you, but in destructive behavior or negative feelings toward themselves. 

I do have a way to paint the picture a little better, but I need to find the source before I try to explain it.... so give me until next time to find it.  

Update on the summer media fast-- Basically I hate it and love it equally.  I LOVE the kids reading, playing games and being CREATIVE.  I really hate the part of having to give up my screen time.  It's so much easier to check out and jump on social media.  But I am learning a ton and being so much more accountable with my time.  It's been good and a summer of no screens is already better than I expected it to be.  I've had several others email me with no-screen challenges of their own... so awesome!  I would encourage anyone to do it, but take it a week at a time.  Or maybe even a day at a time... No screen Thursday could work for your family!

XOXO.  Hoping to come back soon.