he's here.

November 7, 2009
12:48 PM
7 lbs 8 oz
20 inches long

we don't know his name just yet.


he has long eyelashes
and looks just like his older brother, Luke.


everyone is doing fabulously well.

What's the rush?

"IN HUMAN AFFAIRS OF DANGER AND DELICACY SUCCESSFUL CONCLUSION IS SHARPLY LIMITED BY HURRY. So often men trip by being in a rush. If one were properly to perform a difficult and subtle act, he should first inspect the end to be achieved and then, once he had accepted the end as desirable, he should forget it completely and concentrate solely on the means. By this method he would not be moved to false action by anxiety or hurry or fear. Very few people learn this."

This is the opening paragraph of chapter 21 in John Steinbeck's East of Eden. I read this passage about a week ago and have gone back to it many times trying to grasp exactly what it means to me. I still haven't come to a conclusion, but I do believe it's the backbone of what I have been trying to work on the past several months: live in the present moment. stop the rush. be here now.

Whether or not this makes any sense to you, I believe I have learned so much since last January when I was struggling with making new years resolutions. I was so frustrated by looking to the future and trying to accomplish some arbitrary list of goals. All I wanted was peace and contentment and acceptance with myself and the current situation I was living.

Although I know I have a long way to go to achieve this state of "living in the now" I know that my busy life 12 months ago has changed dramatically. Yes, I still have a lot on my plate, but I feel as though I have been able to push some sort of slow motion button on my life. My decisions are more precise. I am more in control of my emotions, my reactions, my choices. When you worry about the future (which is really the unknown) you give up your right to accept the present moment- the now. If we aren't focused on the situation at present, we will never be able to learn the lesson intended for us at THIS time.

I am not going to write a novel or list a bunch of 5 AM Deep Thoughts by Janet, but I do want to say that focusing on the lessons that life is currently teaching me (right now.. 9 months pregnant) has brought me so much contentment and peace. At the beginning of 2009, I believe I came to accept the fact that we may never have another baby. When I did this, my world opened up and I was able to see how richly blessed I was with the children (and life) that I had. It was no sooner that I realized I was pregnant, this time for good.

My pregnancy has been different in many respects than what I have experienced before. It's hasn't necessarily been easy or gone by quickly, but there has been an underlying feeling of gratitude and acceptance for my current state... even and maybe especially the stages that were trying and uncomfortable [NOW] -- because I've realized this is when I am learning and growing the most.

Now that we're here at the end (not only of the pregnancy but the year itself) I am literally filled to the brim with gratitude and appreciation for what I have experienced thus far. I do not feel the need to rush or hurry to get to the next stage because I know it WILL come. And when it does, I won't ever get THIS time back... what a wonderful and exhausting time it is!

BE HERE NOW by Mason Jennings has been (and still is) my theme song for the year...

* I finished East of Eden this week. It had me captivated and keeps me up late at night thinking deep thoughts. With that said, I am not sure I could ever read it again. It was beautifully written, no doubt about that... but the characters were almost too disturbing for me. I don't know, I'm still letting it sink in.

beautiful

This post made me cry yesterday. I spent the entire day thinking about God and how much He loves each of us. At this stage in the pregnancy, it's really hard to feel like myself. But I know I'm in here somewhere.. Obviously, I am not going through the same struggle as Stephanie Nielson, but I do know what it's like to forget how beautiful I am. Not the outside kind of beautiful- although I believe we all are.

There is a certain kind of beauty that comes only from within. It shines through when we understand where we came from and how uniquely special we are. I saw it in Stephanie's eyes when she was on Oprah. She is radiantly beautiful. I love her for being so open and honest and for sharing her testimony with millions of strangers. Yesterday God testified to me how proud He is of me and the little things I do every day. And I felt beautiful too.

it's been a while since i've done a tag.

The only rules are that you have to be HONEST.
I wonder why anyone would lie with questions like these...

1.What was the last thing you ate?
1/2 turkey sandwich. a couple of cheetos off Zack's plate + a big glass of ice water (pebble ice from sonic)

2.Where was your profile picture taken?
going down an escalator in a casino on the strip.

3.Can you play Guitar Hero?
Do you believe I have NEVER played in my life? It's the truth.

4. Name someone who made you laugh today?
Zack. He meant to say he was the fastest person in the family, but accidentally said the FATTEST in the family. We all know that's not true. when I asked the kids who was the fattest, they shrugged their shoulders shyly. I think they were trying to protect my ego.

5. How late did you stay up last night and why?
Was in bed by 8:15. Read until about 11-ish.

6.If you could move somewhere else, would you?
I don't think so. Unless that somewhere else was Hawaii.

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
Yes-sir-ee.

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you?
I have a lot within walking distance. Azy is my closest friend from WJ.. about a ten minute drive.

9. Do you believe ex's can be friends?
Absolutely.

10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper?
I would take it over Coke, but would rather have a Pepsi.

11. When was the last time you cried really hard?
I was a cry-baby last week. Sabrina's move almost did me in.

12. Who took your profile picture?
Karlin

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of?
Luke's crazy face.

14. Was yesterday better than today?
both are good, but I am more tired today.

15. Can you live a day without TV?
of course.

16. Are you upset about anything?
thinking... still thinking... nope. can't name a single thing I am upset about.

17. Do you think relationships are ever worth it?
What kind of question is this? Relationships are ALWAYS worth it.

18. Are you a bad influence?
probably

19. Night out or night in?
depends on my mood. Tonight is definitely in.

20. What items could you not go without during the day?
ice water.

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
It's been a while... haven't visited a hospital here in Vegas. I am thinking maybe my newborn nephew ? three years ago?

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say?
a sweet one from my husband. I won't share it though because then he'll never text me again.

23. How do you feel about your life right now?
extremely blessed. very content. excited for a new baby.

24. Do you hate anyone?
hate is such a strong word, but there are lots of people I don't like to be around...

25. If we were to look in your facebook inbox, what would we find?
probably 20 emails that I haven't read. I don't really care for facebook.

26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?
definitely.

27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
don't think so.

28. What song is stuck in your head?
Thank You-- Dido

29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be?
No one. just the thought freaks me out.

30.Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50?
sure.

31. Name something you have to do tomorrow?
Super Saturday= crafts with ladies from my church.

32. Do you think too much or too little?
? too much, I guess. Sometimes too little before I speak.

33. Do you smile a lot?
yes. I believe I do.

bitter beer face

When Luke was a baby (about 9-12 months) he would pull this ridiculously awesome face. I don't have any great pictures of it (and it was before we had a digital camera... I only have a few classic videos.) Basically, he would scrunch up his face as tight as he could and breath deeply in and out of his nose (which made a lot of sound because his lips were blocking his nostrils.) Anyway, this is the best photo we have. Sad.. because it really doesn't do it justice.


We nicknamed it the BITTER BEER FACE and we could get him to do it on command. After the whole room was laughing, he would laugh too... but only because he knew HE was being hilarious. (He would never smile or laugh at anyone else trying to make him laugh. Such an odd baby he was... but definitely cute.)


When he turned one year, he would no longer do the bitter beer face-- not for anyone. And we've mourned it ever since. He has grown up into such a handsome little boy. He can work a camera like no other, by far my most photogenic child. His face is chiseled, his dimples come out only when he wants them to and his eyelashes are to die for. (Click on the collage and check out the blue man picture to see his long, dark eyelashes.)


With that said, recently Luke is going through this awkward (ugly) little boy stage. He pulls odd faces and makes sounds that just make me want to scream, "WHY are you doing that?" It's not anything inappropriate or bad, it's just WEIRD and I don't get it. To make matters worse, he doesn't have any front teeth.. Of course, I still love him and think he's handsome. But what happened to my adorable little boy?

The past week or so, Luke brought back the bitter beer face. He's been using the new space in his mouth to suck in his top lip. Sometimes I will look at him in the rear view mirror and just cringe. He does it out in public all the time and when I ask him a question, he will will look at me with an expression like so:

Sorry about the terrible lighting. obviously I'm not a profesh at taking pictures, but we all knew that.

I'm sure his bedhead isn't helping the situation, but how are you supposed to respond with a child looking like THIS all day? Laugh or slap him out of it? Why are boys so ODD? Am I a terrible mom or do your kids go through UGLY stages too? You can comment as anonymous if you want :)

ps. Luke, if you ever read this know that Ben has been going through an ugly stage for a couple of years now and I've loved him all the while. It will be okay. Somehow, we will get through this.