therapy

Hey!

The upside to posting my depressing "deep thoughts" at midnight is that other moms are able to open up about their hard times and issues.  I know we all have them.  The downside is that everyone is worried about me.  Thank you so much for your phone calls and emails.  I am really doing fine.  I am just a normal mom who struggles with the responsibilities and demanding schedules.  My #1 problem has been lack of sleep.  I really don't do well without a good night's sleep... so six months of zero sleep makes me a crazy person.

I am absolutely still going to therapy and I am absolutely looking forward to it.  If you haven't noticed by now, I  deal with my issues verbally.  Once I get them on the table, the recovery is quick.  Talking about things really helps me process my thoughts and allows me to move forward-- so I am sure counseling will be great.  I will tell you how it goes next week.

This past weekend, I was able to attend a weekend mom's retreat here in Las Vegas.  I was on the fence about going because it was $200 and I needed to get babysitters for the majority of the time.  Spending money and leaving my 5 kids with someone else aren't my favorite things to do.  But it worked out and I am so very glad I went.  I will need to sit down and write about ALL of my "ah-ha" moments.... the list is loooong.

One of the things I realized while I was there is that 99% of my frustration comes from putting the kids, husband, dinner, laundry, and everything else before my own needs. I've got to stop doing that.  I came away realizing that I am a really great mom :)  My stress level is very low and my patience level is through the roof, considering the fact that I have five kids and two of them are VERY demanding.  I came away feeling proud of myself and encouraged to do better and bigger things..

One of the things I will be talking about with my therapist is my desire to have more children.  The most discouraging feelings I've had over the past few months are over my desire for a big family.  I question if I am capable (physically, mentally, emotionally) and I question if I am sane.  After this past weekend, I came home to my awesome husband and my darling kids and I just feel so grateful to have them in my life.  Life is good.  Totally crazy, but good.  More on the Power of Moms retreat soon....

It's 8:30.  Family Home Evening was a success.  The house is clean.  Dinner was delish.  The kids are asleep.  Life is very good... today.

eat my shorts

the flip side

it's midnight and I just finished folding a mountain of clean laundry. It was my goal when I woke up this morning to fold the laundry and it didn't get done (it didn't even get started) so I stayed up after everyone went to sleep to do what I set out to do today. I just couldn't go to sleep knowing I had failed!

I feel depressed tonight. I realize I have five little children and I shouldn't be too hard on myself, but I feel like such a loser. I used to have such high aspirations and goals... what happened to that girl? I know she's inside somewhere, but lately I can't access her. She's trapped underneath a never ending pile of laundry.

One of my "bigger" goals this week was to make doctor and dentist appointments for our family. Insurance info changed with Aaron's new job (six months ago) so it took me a while to make sure our fave doctors are covered by this new plan. Anyway, as I was looking at the benefits, I saw that every individual in our family is illegible for therapy.. free counseling! The first eight sessions are free and then after that, they are $20 a session. I don't know why, but that made me really excited. I didn't hesitate for a second and signed myself up for a session with a family counselor. The secretary on the phone asked me if it was for stress, post-partum depression, anxiety, marriage or parenting issues. I laughed and said all of the above. I made an appointment for next week and I am really looking forward to sitting down with a total stranger (a professionally trained one) and share all of my problems. I hope I can lay on a couch and rest my head on a pillow while I talk.

I really need to get up in the mornings and exercise, but I just don't have a single ounce of extra energy. How can I get excited about folding laundry? I was absolutely THRILLED to buy a big tub of Gain laundry detergent at the store yesterday. Amazing that a box of soap can get me happy. It's been a while since I've splurged for Gain. Believe it or not, that amazingly fresh smell did make folding the endless pile of laundry a little better. But it also made me depressed because the things I felt excited about today were: #1 the brand of my laundry detergent and #2 seeing a therapist next week. I've got issues. Aaron is teasing me that I am having a midlife crisis. Isn't 32 a little young for that?

I watched American Idol while folding laundry. Kris Allen performed and he was terrible and so boring. I am sure he's a nice person, but seriously, how did he win? Against Adam Lambert of all people. I really love Adam. Idol hasn't been the same since he walked down those neon stairs in that white suit. No one will ever be able to perform like he did. I was totally sad to see Colton go home tonight. I was digging the male contestants this year. Phillip Phillips and Joshua Ledet are still my faves. The girls can go home for all I care.

Tomorrow Aaron goes to court with Mark, the step-father of sweet Samantha who was accidentally shot in the head nine months ago. That seems like AGES ago. We're looking forward to having this experience be a part of the past and not the present. It's really been such a terrible tragedy.

Hm... is there anything else I could say that could make this post more negative? I'm sure I'll regret being so open in the morning because there are a lot of you reading this that I don't know... but I pride myself in being real. Even though most days I am optimistic and happy, today I am just not feeling it. and that's a part of life, I guess. If I could critique my mother, I would say that she needed to write more negative journal entries as a young mom. She was so great at documenting... and I love reading back on her experiences, but it couldn't have been THAT wonderful all of the time. Every once in a while, she'll write about a hard day and those are my favorite because I can totally relate to it! I hate when she makes it look like raising ten kids was easy... because I know it wasn't. Five has almost put me over the edge. This motherhood gig is exhausting! Time for sleepy.

My Favorite Thing About Spring Break

Luke turned this paper into school a few days ago. I emailed it to Nancy and my parents this morning, but thought I would add it to the old blog for keepsakes. He's so cute. I love that he tries to add in "exciting" adjectives.

My Favorite Thing About Spring Break

By Luke S

4/9/12

My family and I traveled up to Utah for Spring Break. We did lots of fun things with my cousins. But my favorite thing about our vacation was when I went to my great aunt Nancy's house in Elk Ridge for Easter.

My great aunt Nancy lives with her best friend, Julie, in an awesome house. Her house looked pretty from the outside with a white picket fence. Once you get inside her house you figure that it is super duper huge.The upstairs is nice and cozy with bedrooms and living rooms. She has a great view of her backyard on her deck in her bedroom. Something that is very cool about her backyard is that it is on a huge, green GOLF COARSE! They also had 2 decks, and one of the decks had a hot tub!

We slept in the basement and that is my favorite part of her house because it's extremely big and exciting! She has so many fun activities to do. She had a mechanical basketball game where you would have to get as many shots as you can in 30 seconds. If you get over 30 points in 30 seconds, you get a bonus round for 15 more seconds! My highest score was a 75.

She has a ping pong table and a pool table. I loved playing my brothers in ping pong. My little brother Simon thought he was really good, but he never even hit the ball over the net. But we cheered for him anyway! She has one of the first Nintendos ever made. We liked playing Super Mario Bros and Duck Hunt best. She also has a lot of shelves full of movies that you can watch. We didn't really watch any movies because we had too many other fun things to do.

We slept over at her house the night before Easter and that made the stay even more exciting. It was fun to hide a bag of candy for Nancy and Julie too. In my basket, I got a lot of awesome and yummy things! I got a long water blaster for the swimming pool. I got a lot of chocolate eggs that melt in your mouth, a gigantic chocolate Easter bunny sucker, and a ton of plastic eggs with jelly beans. Some marshmallow sticks that are probably good for eating, but I just let my baby sister play with them because she liked how the wrapper crinkled. Each of my brothers got a football. Mine is green on the top and white on the bottom. And our favorite thing was package of 15 glow sticks. When we got home, we combined our 60 glow sticks into a massive circle in our living room. We called it the ring of fire!

Out of all the awesome things we did over Spring Break, going to my great aunt's house on the last day was definitely the best! I hope we can go back soon.

Go Jim Bob!

I adore the Duggar family.. I don't have TLC anymore so I am not up to date with their show (I hear the season finale was an emotional one!) but I am still a huge fan. I know a lot of people want to rip on them for having such a big family, but they are amazing. Who is Kim Kardashian and why is she famous? Teenage girls need to be talking about these gorgeous Duggar daughters.. They are confident, respectful, incredibly talented, sweet, fun!, modest, helpful and absolutely beautiful. This is what reality TV is all about. I want to be like Michelle when I grow up.. she is doing something right! Anyway, here's an article my husband I and I read before bed last night:

How the Duggars Support 19 Kids and Live Debt-Free

Love and agree with it ALL. Love the comments that follow too.

"It's funny that the only "negative" thing people keep saying about this family, is that they have 19 kids... And that's a ridiculous argument to make considering they've taken care of those 19 better than some take care of 1."

People love to hate when they can't get it together themselves. and that's sad.