be the hero of your own life

In Dr Shefali's book Out of Control she writes an entire chapter dedicated to writing scripts for our children (and expecting them to behave in a certain way) and why this backfires on parents.  The chapter is titled "you are not a moviemaker".  I want to quote the first couple of paragraphs because it's that good.

We each run a movie in our head about how life is supposed to be.  We cast our children and intimate others in roles we want for them, with little regard for whether they have consented to these roles.  We impose our script on them, never really stopping to examine whether they are fitted for the part.

With strangers, and perhaps to a lesser degree our friends, we restrain ourselves when it comes to directing the movie.  We know that if we impose on them too much, they'll simply walk out of our life.  But in the case of our children, who are hostage to our care, we feel free to write the lines, buy the costumes and predict the conclusion of the movie.

If suffocated in their assigned roles, our children can comply, taking on the role in which they have been cast, and in the process abandon their true self.  Or they can fight back at the risk of being crushed anyway.  In how a child responds to these two options lie all the behavioral issues we face as parents.  

So attached are we to our subconscious movies, spending a lifetime budget on them, that we fight tooth and nail to manifest them.  When these movies don't do well at the box office-- or even more disappointing, don't even make it to production-- we are devastated.  Many of us rant, rave, scream and blame everyone in sight.  Of course, the most ready targets are our children.   

- Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work, page 64-65.  

I agree with Dr. Shefali, 1000% and think it's really important that we let our children be who they came to be.  We always hear the saying, "You can't change your spouse" and most of us realize this is true.. but the saying needs to also include our children.  Wishing our kids were different than they are damages them.  We can't turn them into the kind of people we want them to be, no matter how hard we try.  They come the way they are and they want to be free to be that person.  Now, if it seems to you that your child is being a nasty kind of person that is NOT who they are.  It's only a reflection of the expectations you are putting on them.  Drop the scripts you've written for them and allow them to be themselves.  Embrace who they are and if you don't like something, change yourself.  That's the only person you have control over.

I've been working with a few couples who are struggling with their kids and it's awesome when both parents want to get on board and make changes.  But you don't need your spouse on the same page to transform your house.  I also have some parents who struggle with the fact that their spouse has changed since they were married (they got married expecting one thing and then the spouse either changed their mind or gave them a facade of what their fairytale would be like.)  I want to say with all of the compassion that I can, that this is bull to expect your spouse to stay exactly the same.  Life is fluid and we are constantly learning new things and expanding our views.  You cannot put any limits on any person and expect them to keep things exactly the way they were.  And the same with children.  You can't tell them that they have to pick an opinion or behavior and stick with it.  You are NOT writing their scripts.  The only thing you have control over is how you respond.  If you no longer like what your spouse is dishing out, leave them.  Don't complain about it and act as though you are being dragged somewhere you don't want to go.  I've seen some women in some pretty terrible relationships, some of them life threatening.  I am a fan of marriage and keeping families together but I will never support misery.  If your spouse makes you miserable, you need to leave.  If you chose to stay, then stop complaining about their behavior.

Now-- here's where I am going to take Dr. Shefali's amazing advice for what it's worth and then say I think it's GOOD to write a script for yourself.  I think it's valuable to cast yourself as your own hero.  In one of my favorite movies The Holiday Arthur tells Iris "In the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend." Iris responds, "You're so right. You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life!"  And that's when Iris starts writing her own script and becoming the leading lady of her own life.

I like to pretend I am on a stage, rather than in a movie.  I don't really picture anyone in the audience, but I definitely see myself on stage... And whatever I am doing is the current scene.  If I am doing dishes or vacuuming, that is what is going on center stage.  I have very little control over when the scene changes (or when the curtain closes on a particular experience) but I have ALL of the power over my own character.  I get to pick her mood, what she wears, what thoughts she thinks and definitely everything she says.  I am a freaking heroine in my own play.  I am my own version of Jane Eyre.  I have a very clear idea of what my character looks like.  She is determined, honest, fun, loyal, hard-working, adventurous, easy-going, open to new suggestions, forgiving and in an odd twist, she's calm and collected.  Sometimes she hears what other people are saying about her, but she doesn't really care.  She is true to herself and she does those things that bring her happiness.  Why would such a heroine be doing dishes and vacuuming her house?  Because that's the scene in her life right now.  It doesn't mean she's any less of a leading role in her own play.  She rocks to music while doing dishes and she dances with the vacuum.  Because that's the kind of leading lady I am.

Now here's where it gets tricky.  There are other people in my play.  Thousands of them.  Some have more significant roles than others, but anyone who walks on my stage is valuable and important.  If I am in the grocery line, there are only a couple of people on stage, me and the checker (and sometimes the bagger.)  Their presence is important.  Maybe they only have one line, but it still matters.  And how cool is it that I get to step on their stage for just a minute.  I'm not saying that everywhere I go, I feel like I am performing.  I am not an actor.  I literally am my own heroine.  This is who I am and who I was born to be.

When it comes to the more significant supporting roles in my life, sometimes there is a little conflict.  But I get to decide how I respond to it.  I can freak out and make it a bigger deal than it is, or I can relax and allow it to play out for what it needs to be.  When people come to visit my home, what does it feel like, how do I respond?  Do I become possessive over my things or am I sharing and giving?  I want my character to be selfless and generous, always.  Obviously I do not always write my lines this way, but I am constantly striving to be better.

So let's talk about the main characters of my life play-- my husband and children.  It would be a problem if I expected to write their lines and control their wardrobe and create them into something they are not.  It's truly NOT for me to decide.  These little people that are on my stage, they are their own heroes of their lives.  And even though it seems like they are playing children, they are in fact extremely well-rounded characters and they are aware of who they are (sometimes even more aware than we are as adults.)  When little people step on my stage, I try to pay close attention to what they say and why they are saying it.  Most of the time it's very in tune with what they are feeling.  Often it's hilarious and witty or wise beyond their years.  I try to pay attention and then I hope to respond in a way that builds connection.

Now some of you are saying that you have a child who is playing the villain role.  They come onto your stage and cause havoc and ruin props and light things on fire.  Well, sometimes that really does happen in life and it's up to you to be the hero.  Put the fire out.  Don't try to change who they are, but also do not cast them into the villain role if that's not what they want to be.  Sometimes all they have to do is walk on stage, and then we freak out about everything they touch.  Your lines are important and the way you behave matters.  When a little person steps on stage and dishes out a line-- what is your response?  Are you even listening to what they have to say? or are you checked out?  Be the present, active, intentional hero of your own life.

Sometimes we have scenes that are totally embarrassing... like kids screaming and fighting with each other.  This is not a reflection of you or your character.  The only thing that reflects your character is how you respond to the screaming and fighting.  And you get to decide that.  You can be the referee, you can be the peacemaker or you can go into full-attack mode and fight back.  What do you want for yourself?  Sometimes we have adult people fighting in our lives.  Maybe it's our friends or neighbors or it's siblings or maybe it's a spouse or our in-laws.  We can decide to step in and be the heroine or MAYBE we can decide to step off the stage all together and realize that it's not a scene we want to be a part of.  Sometimes it's better to walk off stage and let them work it out themselves.  But remember that every time you are speaking lines-- every time you are spreading gossip or talking on the telephone or writing an email or communicating, that you've become center stage again.  What you say and do matters and it absolutely has an impact on what comes back to you.

Our future scenes are unknown.  We don't know who or what is coming.  Life throws us curve balls and the only thing that we can control is the way we respond.  Be the hero of your own life-- stop making excuses and start creating something better.  What do you want that life to look like?

I want my life to have lots of adventure and new experiences.  This is one reason I brought a school bus onto my stage.  That bus is not my life-- in fact, in my play, it's just a big paper cut out of a bus that characters in my play get to ride around in once in a while.  My scenery (or the house that I am renting right now) is temporary too.  I never ever want my play to be about the things I collect or hang in my closet.  In fact, I am hoping that most of my backdrops are mountains and painted skies.. I think it would be amazing if every day my character spends her time outside in nature.  I want my life-movie to be full of breathtaking panoramic views.  I want to be hiking, walking, swimming with my kids, watching sunsets, making dinner over a fire and filling my mind with meaningful thoughts and powerful literature.  When I speak, I want to do it with the intent to connect with others, not to condemn or judge or criticize or be bothered.  I have no idea what my future will look like, but I know that I can always beautify it and make it better with my personal contribution.  The only thing I have control over is my own attitude.

Sometimes there are hard moments.  Sometimes we throw fits.  And that's okay too.  Because without lows we would just be two-dimensional, a character that is hard to relate with.  It's okay to get overwhelmed and depressed.  But just make sure that you know that YOU have all of the power to decide how long that depression lasts and how much of your play is dark and sad.  If you are ready to lighten the mood, then get up and find scenery that better represents what you are about.  Put down the tv remote-- is there any heroine out there that watches hours of television everyday?  Not in my story.  Make lists of the kind of experiences you want in your life and imagine it actually happening.  We have more control over our future than we realize.  What we are doing now matters-- it sets our future into motion.  Ask yourself what you want and start creating it, little by little, moment by moment.

Remember that all you have control over is YOUR OWN SCRIPT.  Don't try to write others.  Don't wish you could do a scene over.  It happened for a reason and it's part of the big picture.  If you don't like where you are in life, remember that your story isn't over yet.  You have so much transforming to do-- so many things to look forward to-- so many people to interact with-- so much to change about yourself.  Focus on the good.  Remember that ALL of the bad, every single ounce of it has made you into the HERO that you are becoming.  It's all there for a reason and has taught you some important lessons.  Don't wish it away, don't worry or dwell on past scenes or things that you could have done better.  You did the best with what you knew at the time and now you know better.  Everything that comes your way is here to teach you something.  The people that continue to step on your stage are there for a reason... figure out what role you play in their lives, but remember that you are ALWAYS the leading lady (or man) of your own.

when kids don't naturally want to clean up water balloons on the patio

Today I set up parenting coaching calls back to back and I have a little break before my next call.  I decided to take a minute to write a blog post and share my recent thoughts..

Memorial weekend was crazy/fun in Vegas with my sister and her family staying for 4 nights.  Our house had 18 people all weekend, 14 of them children.  I found myself constantly doing dishes, picking up wet towels off the ground, sweeping up messes.  It was a challenge for my "mindful parenting" and a great way to practice what I preach.  I think I did pretty well overall, not losing my patience and trying to stay connected with these kids and trying NOT to get after them for what they weren't doing correctly.  (or for being wild and crazy, which naturally happens with 14 kids under your roof.) 

One thing I did "wrong" was make a certain group of boys pick up their water balloons on the patio before they went swimming in our pool.  A crazy water balloon fight took place the night before and nothing was cleaned up afterward.  I wanted to see a little "respect" after all the fun that was taking place.  When I requested that these boys (mine included) clean up the mess before they swam, they threw mini tantrums, which was completely uncalled for, which led to one boy changing out of his swimsuit and not swimming at all. Sounds like typical teenage behavior, but it's not how I want kids behaving after asking them to clean up after themselves.  What brats, right? 

I knew I was in the wrong about 3 minutes after the balloons were swept up.  My boys apologized for their behavior and I apologized for mine, but I knew I was wrong, 100% to blame.  I approached the situation as a dictator (you will not swim unless you behave the way I want you to) and then I put my foot down after they protested.  The balloons got cleaned up within a few minutes, but relationships were not strengthened through the process and that was a fail.  Connection is key and it's what I want with my children and nieces and nephews.  It's my goal with everyone I meet, actually.  I want to become closer to the people I am around.  I want to understand them better, see inside their world, feel what they feel.  I want to connect on a deep level.  And the water balloon scenario (although just a small part of our awesome weekend) was one instance where I put space in between relationships instead of strengthen them.  And that tiny indecent could have been more significant in those kids memories than all of the fun we had together.  

One nephew (who changed out of his swimsuit when asked to clean up the water balloons, who never apologized for being a total pain, who sometimes has the reputation for misbehaving) was having issues with everyone was later disciplined by his dad.  I am not sure what happened in the pool (I was in the kitchen) but I could hear that he was being a punk outside.  His parents were getting after him and then as punishment, he was thrown into the pool when he didn't want to go in. I don't know who was right or wrong, all I know is that this "smart-alec" teen came into my house sopping wet, without a towel and went upstairs to get away from what was going on outside.  I wanted to flip out because he was getting water everywhere, but instead I took a deep breathe and I tried to put myself in his situation... I saw into his tender soul and felt some serious pain he was going through.  Had I demanded that he go back outside and dry off (or even get a towel before stepping into my house) then I would have lost the ability to see him for what he was, a sweet teenage boy who was a little unsure of himself and how to behave.  A kid who just wanted to have fun and fit in.. When we stop demanding that people behave a certain way and we allow our egos to crumble, light enters and connection happens.  He may not feel connected to me, but I will forever remember that moment, him dripping wet and broken-hearted.  And me wanting and asking how I could help instead of making the situation worse.

As parents we have expectations for our little people.  We want for them to be respectful and kind and obey as they should.  The world says we need to step up and teach the next generation how to behave.  We need to set higher standards for them, demand that they work hard and behave well.  But I disagree with this approach.  I think we need our standards and expectations to drop.  We need to see these kids for who they are and meet them there.  As they FEEL the empathy we have for them, they will be less likely to rebel.  They will be attracted to warmth and acceptance and they will naturally behave better.  With the water balloon situation, I set a demand and expected them to follow.  They protested that the little girls needed to clean up too because they broke a few as well.  (the little girls were already swimming and I didn't believe them that the little girls made part of the mess.)  Instead of forcing them to clean, I wish I would have listened, pulled the girls out of the pool and have everyone work together instead of label them as poor sports.  They felt the judgement and responded like poor sports.

We are constantly projecting things on others and they respond with the behavior we project. Everyone we meet is giving us what we ask for, whether we believe it or not, people are a reflection of how we see them. Up until the water balloon scenario, I had been able to motivate the kids to work and be helpful and pitch in (while also staying completely relaxed when they were making messes.)  But I don't know what prompted me to get on my high horse and cause a fight.  I guess I stepped on my parenting stool and expected them to naturally clean up after themselves.  "Hey, lets clean up these water balloons after throwing them!" -- says no child ever.  Why was I setting such high expectations for them?  Because I had already done so much... cooked, cleaned, driven them places, allow them to relax and have fun... Naturally, they would WANT to clean up the mess they made on the patio.  For some reason in my mind, I got worked up over it and internalized it as a lack of respect for all that I was doing for them.  My negativity toward their "lack of respect" caused them to have an actual lack of respect toward me.  I created it all on my own because I am that powerful.  

The only thing we have control over is our OWN feelings.  We cannot ever control how a child behaves.  They will respond with love and respect if that is what we FEEL for them.  We cannot expect respect by controlling them.  If as adults we try to control the way the way children behave, we will get one of two outcomes.  Either the child will openly rebel against you (will not do what you say) or they will quietly obey and resent you for it in silence, but they are thinking what the rebellious ones are saying out loud.. To me, it's much healthier to have children openly freak out than to hide their negative feelings.  Because those negative feelings will eventually show up-- maybe not in words or feelings against you, but in destructive behavior or negative feelings toward themselves. 

I do have a way to paint the picture a little better, but I need to find the source before I try to explain it.... so give me until next time to find it.  

Update on the summer media fast-- Basically I hate it and love it equally.  I LOVE the kids reading, playing games and being CREATIVE.  I really hate the part of having to give up my screen time.  It's so much easier to check out and jump on social media.  But I am learning a ton and being so much more accountable with my time.  It's been good and a summer of no screens is already better than I expected it to be.  I've had several others email me with no-screen challenges of their own... so awesome!  I would encourage anyone to do it, but take it a week at a time.  Or maybe even a day at a time... No screen Thursday could work for your family!

XOXO.  Hoping to come back soon.

waffle wednesday

it's 8 am on a wednesday and life is pretty good.  We've set some really fun guidelines for our summer routine.. it's actually pretty strict according to my standards, but they are things the kids came up with and we are excited about it.  One of Zack's summer rules is that we MUST have waffles every Wednesday.  I am going to be flexible and let him decide if that's for breakfast, lunch or dinner.. when it's his rule, that means he's making them for the family.  I will make sure to have fresh fruit on top... and hoping I can convert everyone to my mom's whole wheat recipe.  That's my goal for today.

I've been awake since before the sun.  My house is tidy, a load of laundry is running.  I've gone to yoga and showered.  I feel a space opening up inside of myself and I am going to live inside that empty space and fill it with only good things.. peace, laughter, connection, breathing.  I've been thinking so much about posture lately.  I have always had the worst posture.  I am not sure if it's because I grew 5 inches overnight as a preteen and all of my best friends were/are petite or if I have been ashamed or maybe just not taught properly, but I am working on my posture.  Yoga is one of my new goals and I am excited about it.  This month I am doing the super hot kind (Bikram) where the room temp is over 100 degrees and you start sweating before you start.  I love the heat and I am really enjoying it so far.  Jane and I signed up together and it's therapeutic in every way.

I've been kind of obsessed with the Vegas sky since we've been back.  I mean, I really love the sky everywhere, but I absolutely love being able to see the entire sky, from horizon to horizon.  Being at the ocean you can see the span of the sky and in the Vegas valley, it's the same feeling of openness and I love it.  It fills the space inside of me with wonder and hope and freshness.  We've been swimming in our backyard pool everyday and as I lounge outside while the kids splash, I can look up at the sky and truly say that these are the sights and sounds that bring me true happiness.

I've been reading like a maniac, maybe more than I ever have before.  I've finished a dozen books in the past couple of weeks.  For me, reading is completely magical.  I've said for such a long time that I wish I could touch a book and automatically know it's contents.  I don't think I will ever get there, but my reading comprehension is getting so much better.  I am open and .  I am fascinated by what I read.  I've decided to make this summer all about books with pages, nothing on kindle and nothing audio. I have so many books in my home and an unlimited supply at the library that it's not hard to cut out the digital.

Part of me saying no to screens has to do with what I am learning about posture and body language.  Did you know there is such a thing as text-neck-syndrome?  I don't have it, but I don't want to..  I want to make sure my head and shoulders are up as much as possible..  scrolling through something to fill my time isn't what I want out of my day.  With a book and pages, my arms and shoulders are open.  I usually have a highlighter of some kind or notes that I am making on a page.  There is not other distractions if a text pops up on my phone that doesn't distract me from what I am learning.  I am creating space inside and the more I learn, the more that space opens up and I can process how I feel and what direction I want to head in.  I think I felt lost for such a long time that wide-open-space is just the ticket for me.  And I know it's making a difference in my home life, not listening to a book while I clean or cook.  I can feel it in the interaction with my kids.  I am definitely more present.

Scheduling coaching sessions over the phone and via skype has been awesome for my unscheduled personality.  Before if someone called, I would pick it up and chat for however long we felt like chatting.  But now I am more aware of my time and I know that if I have calls scheduled for later, I need to get what I need to done, set up activities for the kids, get Eden down for a nap, prepare food, etc before I can talk.  It feels so much more intentional and productive when in reality, the main reason I didn't want to start coaching is because I was afraid of adding crazy to my schedule.  I realize now that you set yourself up for whatever you want.  Had I gone into it expecting crazy, that's what the outcome would be.  But being INTENTIONAL with what you want your day to look like, you can create it quite easily.  Sometimes we fact the day with stress, expecting it to be hard or exhausting and that's exactly what it becomes.  If you're interested in learning more, I would suggest reading anything by Dr. Wayne Dyer.

Setting your intentions is something I teach my clients over the phone.  When they have something pressing or stressful or even just regular everyday life, I ask them what their intention is for that experience (or what they want their day to look like.)  If you can put your intention down on paper or even go over them in your head, you will be much more likely to stay peaceful, calm, inspired, organized and just aware of what is going on around them.  Connection happens with others when we are open and aligned.  We are always attracting the vibes we are putting out into the universe and sometimes we aren't even aware of what those vibes are.  It's less about goal setting and more about being open to what you can create with open space.  So figure out what you want and set those intentions!  For me my goals are to get healthy and strong, be peaceful and calm with all of my interactions and to fill my life with only the best things.  I feel like I have just hit the tip of the iceberg of what it feels like to be open and aware and organized with my time.

Positive vibes about HOMESCHOOLING

I am grateful everyday for the opportunity we have to homeschool.  Its been 12 years since I made the decision to teach our kids at home.  There has been plenty of ups and downs over the years and we haven't tried everything, but we've had a pretty well-rounded schooling experience.  Each year is different, each child learns in their own way and homeschooling is the most adaptable, creative flexible system.  It's always changing.. year to year, month to month, week to week, if necessary.  I'm grateful for the time the kids had in school as well as our "experiments" with different programs.  We are constantly figuring ourselves out as individuals and as a family unit.  It's been a great way for us to get to know each other on deep, fun, creative levels.

The reason why homeschooling works for me is because I surround myself with positive thoughts about it.  There are plenty of difficult and exhausting things about having your kids home all day... and I could focus on them and become a real stressed out mom.  But I've gotten pretty good at focusing on the benefits of having them home and thinking about our future-- what the kids are into and excited about and how to get more of that into our daily schedules..  It's a very forward moving process.  I am constantly brainstorming all of the fun things we can do together.  I put my energy in focusing on all the GOOD and schooling becomes one of the most creative outlets for my kids and I to explore together.. 

Homeschooling is not for everyone, but it CAN be if you want it to be.  If you have goals and focus on them, you can absolutely accomplish them.  Attitude really is everything.  If you don't have a great attitude about your kids learning experience (whether they are taught by you or another teacher) then focus on what you want for them...  What is the best case scenario for your child to learn?  Think about good things and opportunities and get excited about helping them create what excites them.

I believe education happens easy and naturally.  I know it does because I've seen it with my own eyes.  Reading, math, science is an exciting part of life and if there is no enjoyment, then they will not retain it.  It's all about what brings out a light of curiosity and determination.  Learning happens when there is motivation behind it.

We are just ending our school year... one more week of assignments and homework and reports.  We've been able to transition SO BEAUTIFULLY these past two years through our moves.  I cannot imagine how stressful it would have been if my kids had been in school.  They are all taking lots of courses and they have learned so much this year.  Ben is doing a complete high school program through a school in Pennsylvania (Penn Foster High School) I like the program and think it's been really good for Ben, but not sure if I would recommend it because he's a total teachers pet and does it 100% on his own.  He is about 80% finished with his diploma.  Required courses are all completed, he's just picking and choosing his electives.  This boy loves to do homework and write papers (I loved it too and was a great student in school, but I didn't learn much.)  I have no idea what Ben will decide to do when he's graduated.  Either go to college or take fun classes at the local high school (woodshop, plumbing, auto, PE, etc.) or he will just read and learn on his own until one of those options sounds exciting.  I am a huge fan of the book The Brainy Bunch, which is a family's step by step program to get your kids ready for college by age 12.  Pretty inspiring, if you are into higher education.  I also highly recommend getting familiar with the organization called UNCollege, which was founded by a brilliant homeschooler.
  

Out of all the homeschooling curriculum we've tried over the years, Luke has responded the best to MathUSee.  He will often be found doing "work" with this program, but not in a structured way..  We have often found Luke watching the DVDs or figuring out math problems completely for his own enjoyment.  He doesn't share his info or write it down, but he's retaining it. Luke has been taking high school courses through BYU independent study and we have not been impressed by those and will not be signing up for any more in the near future.  Luke is highly driven and motivated to learn, but he's not into homework.  (He doesn't see the point of it and never has.)  He is a designer, an inventor, a builder.  Luke is NOT a time-waster... if the family is watching a movie together, Luke is in another room reading, playing music, folding origami or doing some kind of science experiment.  He is always engaged in a very quiet way..  He's not into screens whatsoever, unless it's to prank someone.  I think school could be awesome for Luke, if it's the right school with the kind of teachers that will let him soar.  He's wise beyond his years.  He will succeed no matter what he does, I would bet my life on it.

Zack has been doing The Life of Fred for math (highly recommend), The Story of the World for history (highly recommend) and Shurley workbooks for English and Grammar (do not recommend.. It reminds me a lot of what kids do in school and it's been boring and a waste of our money.)  Zack is a great reader and is all about books.  He's into Harry Potter, Michael Vey, Chronicles of Narnia, Wrinkle in Time and several other series.  I don't even know how many pages he's read this school year, but I would say it's more than anyone else in the family (besides me..)  He's so excited about the book he's reading.  I always want him to feel this way about his own education.

Simon is kind of behind if you put him up against other Kindergartners.  He's 6 and is my latest reader.  (I think he may be borderline dyslexic, but we haven't gotten him tested yet.) He is just started to get excited about sounding out small words, as in just this week.  I think Aaron has been a little worried about it, but I have never been worried about Simon.  This child will figure out what he needs to figure out when he's ready.  When Aaron rode with Simon in the moving truck all 6 hours, at the end of the roadtrip Aaron said "Simon did NOT stop talking the entire drive.  I can't believe he talks nonstop.  And I am so surprised how smart he is."  That surprised me because duh.  If you are around Simon, you have to know he's smart.  He's brilliant, actually.  Just not reading yet.  I think he's starting to want to put forth the work to start reading because just recently, he's understanding that it's holding him back.  He wants other people to read everything for him (and we do) but now he wants to read it for himself.  He thinks he already knows everything and up to this point in his life, he's been able to make stuff up.  But now he's starting to realize that the stuff he's making up isn't helping him as much as he wants it to.  And he's also starting to stress about making money.  He gets that in order to be successful, he's going to have to read.  Here is a funny convo I had with Simon just the other day.  It makes me smile from ear to ear..

Simon:  What if I won't be able to get a good job when I grow up?

Me:  You can be whatever you want to be because you are the most powerful boy I know.

Simon:  I know, but I can't read.  And I have to read in order to get a good job.

Me:  There are people who don't know how to read who can still make money.  But I do think learning to read is a smart choice.

Simon:  Can I go on a mission if I can't read?

Me:  Sure.  

Simon:  Can I take the bar exam if I can't read?

Me:  No.  If you want to be an attorney like dad, you will need to learn how to read.  Or you will need to pay someone a lot of money to read and write for you.

Simon:  I do not want to pay anyone money to read for me.  So I'm going to learn.  I think I will first go on a mission and then take the bar exam.

Me:  Sounds like a good plan.

Simon:  But mom!  The bar is only like a 60% pass rate.  40% of all the people who take it don't even pass.

And here's where I smile and say, this 6 year old is going places.  I have no idea where he heard those statistics because I doubt Aaron goes around telling him how hard it is to pass the bar, but he picked it up from somewhere.  I do not worry about Simon's street smarts.  He's going to make a ton of money and then hopefully buy me a vacation home in the Cayman Islands.

I do not worry about my girls one bit in the education department.  They are both geniuses in their own way.  (PS. Every child is extremely bright.)  Roma will probably be reading before Simon.  She's an amazing cook and cleaner-- not that those are wife skills that every girl must develop, but she's actually always drawn to them.  Cleaning and cooking makes Roma really happy, so I am going to encourage her to get really good at it.  Because she will change the world with her amazing strong personality and career.  Her cleaning and cooking skills will make it easier for her to change the world..  Eden is so smart as well and talking nonstop.  I can't wait to see what she's drawn to and what excites her.  Right now it's babies and animals.  She would make an amazing vet at this point.  She's a caregiver in every sense of the word.

Do you think about homeschooling your kids?  IF SO-- I would encourage you do to it.  The best time to start is in the SUMMER because there's no pressure if it turns out miserable.  Pretend it's the school year and come up with a fun schedule.  Do art projects, create a weekly menu, read books together, learn something new!  Use it as a practice run for what the school year would be like.  I would highly encourage you to look into it if it's something you're toying with.  If not, no judgment here, school is awesome too.  Just make sure they have teachers who support and love them because real learning can't happen in a stressed out, negative environment, imo.

I've only lived in Nevada and Utah and they both have great programs for supplementing your homeschool schedule.  Nevada passed senate bill 302 which will give each homeschooling child a $5000 spending stipend (it's being challenged in the supreme court as we speak so funds are not available until all of the law suits are settled.) But Utah has a great "charter school" for homeschoolers.  In Utah, my kids were enrolled through My Tech High and this school provided some really great classes for my boys.  Ben and Luke took LEGO Robotics for free through their program (the equipment sent to our door and the instructions and classes online.) My Tech High will also allow you to make your own schedule and reimburse you for the supplies you buy.  You just have to give them a weekly report of what each child is doing.  So this year Luke took photography, Zack and Simon did minecraft (with a teacher and assignments and tutorials, which was better than "wasting time" on a video game) and Ben got all of his Penn Foster courses paid for.  It made homeschooling so much easier and flexible for us!  Plus they took Karate for PE and got those classes paid for through the school.  Super awesome program.  I am a huge fan of a classical education, so a lot of what I order has to do with classics that are at their grade level I use the TJed classic book list for families and the Academy Bookstore to order my kids curriculum (or check it out from the library, which is most often.)

I am not sure what we will do next year.  We are open to a few different options (I've always been open, and always come back to the same conclusion that their time is better spent learning at home.)  But kids are all different and each year they change and need new things, so we are always looking at the school around us and what they have to offer.  But until we decide, we will enjoy our summer.  We love summer!!!!  We've decided to do a screen break this summer.  No movies, no computer, no tablets, no video games ALL SUMMER LONG.  I am so excited.  We are going to swim, read, play ping pong and board games, do lots of arts and crafts, visit the library and write with a pen and pencil.  We are going old school and I need to work out my phone situation (it's currently broken) but I may just go back to a landline this summer and see how it goes.  We are on vacation, baby... but the beauty of homeschooling is that there is no calendar for learning.  There will be no school, but there will be lots of educating.

Hope you can figure out what's best for you and your family.  I am 100% open to coaching parents specifically about homeschooling-- going over the decision to pull kids out of school, setting up learning schedules, helping the kids find their passions, working out ways to inspire and not control their education choices, etc.  If you are interested, email me.  I charge about $50 per session (which lasts about an hour) but there is homework and accountability involved for you-- so it's much more than a hours worth of work.  If you have questions that you want to discuss over email, send them to janetleeshumway@gmail.com

Good luck figuring out what to do for the kids under your umbrella.  I know you will be inspired to make the best choice for your family.   

XOXO

Parenting without conflict

I've had a positive outlook on my role as a mother for as long as I can remember, but it's gotten easier and harder over the years. I am constantly striving to be better because I am constantly being faced with new challenges.  I've read hundreds of parenting books for ideas and inspiration. Many people ask me what are the best books-- any book is a step in the right direction, as long as it makes you feel like you can improve and not feel frustrated after reading it.  If you have the desire to learn more about being a good parent, then you are already there... the desire to change is all you need.  I am not perfect and will never claim to be, but I do love being with my kids and I know they feel that excitement from me.

I choose to have good thoughts running around in my head about my kids.  They are amazing little people.  They are obedient.  They are helpful.  I love each one of their individual personalities.  I love watching them grow and learn new things.  I love to see joy in their new accomplishments and discoveries.  I love to hear their thoughts.  There are some things I don't love about parenting-- the messes, the crying, the fighting, the demands.  But I choose not to focus on those things.  When I do focus on them, I feel tired, frustrated, annoyed, angry and impatient.  Being grumpy-pants doesn't help me and I know it makes the kids worse.  Instead of getting annoyed, I try to focus on what I LOVE about being in my home.  Focusing on the good gives me energy and happiness and that energy allows me to deal with the messy parts of my job.  Cleaning up a spill (or even scrubbing a dirty toilet) is EASY when you're not in a bad mood.

The other day Luke recorded a video of Simon and Roma fighting.  Ben uploaded it to facebook and posted it to my wall.  I cannot get the video off his phone because it's old school, so if you want to see the better version, you will have to watch it on facebook.  But this is a recording of a recording.  Sorry about the bad quality, but it paints the picture.. I love this video with all of my big mama heart.

This shows Roma in all her sass talking to Simon about how they were splashing each other in our pool.  Simon states that Ro poured water on him with a cup and she back-talks him by moving her shoulders and bobbing her head back and forth.  They hit each other but the best part is the gang signs they throw at the end.  This is something we all see everyday, several times a day and it's beautiful.  I love it so much because I know it's something I will miss when it stops.  Simon and Roma are such strong personalities and they are PERFECT for each other.  I love to watch them interact, talk, debate and even fight.  I don't want them hitting each other, but I don't worry about it too much because sooner or later one of them will realize the other person is not worth fighting with.  (Simon will eventually give up because Roma never will.)  And when they decide to get along it's so darling.  Something tells me that will always have this feisty relationship with each other and who am I to take that away from them?  This is a natural part of family living and we shouldn't wish it away.

When they get heated in their discussion I usually sit back and observe.  I hardly ever video it (but I wish I would) because I think they will love it eventually too.  I usually just sit back and let them them figure it out.  Eden is starting to get pulled into the mess too and I feel so bad for her because she's so innocent, but she also needs to learn to stick up for herself, so I allow it to be.  I step in when I need to, and I usually know when that is.  If Eden is involved its sooner, but with Simon and Roma it might escalate.  It goes too far when someone is bleeding or cannot physically get themselves out of the situation.  I am not a checked-out parent.  (A checked out parent is one who rises to the drama and yells and screams... that's what it means to check out and react.  An over-involved parent tries to solve all their problems for them and won't allow them to disagree.)  I try to stay somewhere in the middle by watching and seeing if there are little suggestions I can give them to work it out easier.  I feel very in tune with what is going on and I absolutely love to watch them grow.  Childhood is for playing, disagreeing, throwing gang signs and thinking for yourself.  This is how we figure out who we are, by having the freedom to interact in the world that we live in.

I was not present during this fight, but if I had been, I would not have yelled "Hey! Stop fighting!" like Luke did.  He's doing a great job of managing the situation with a baby and a camera on his lap, but a better suggestion would be a calm, "Everyone respect each other and keep your hands to yourselves."  By saying "stop fighting" you are actually asking for more of it, simply because you are drawing attention to it.  By focusing on what we don't want, we are really asking for more of it.  By talking about respect, love, and keeping our hands to ourselves, we are quietly giving the kids direction without getting overly involved.

If one of them had hurt the other badly and had come running to me (which happens everyday) I would get down on their level, look at the place on their body that hurts and say, "It sounds like that must have hurt you.  I'm sorry."  and that is all.  If they tell me why their brother/sister is such a terrible person, I brush it off and say, "I love when you two get along and play nice together."  If they explain why the other person wasn't being nice, I will say, "You are brave and strong, even when other people don't treat you the way you want to be treated."  Slowly our kids learn that they have all the tools inside themselves to figure out how to behave properly.  If we constantly tell them what not to do and then scold them, they grow up with a skewed understanding of the power they have inside themselves.

For older kids, it's can be trickier because they've learned lots of unhealthy habits over the years, at school and at home.  It can be turned around, but you have to show them by example how to behave under stress.  The first thing you do is not over-react.  Don't yell or belittle.  Sit down with them (if they let you) and show them that you are trying to change your own behaviors.  Sometimes you don't need to say anything at all, just send them positive vibes.  If they are being particularly moody, do NOT let it affect your own mood.  Just concentrate or think about times when they are pleasant and ignore the bad vibes.  The more we give the negativity power, the more power it has over us.

Many times in my coaching sessions we deal with one particular child.  It always starts out with, "I get along with all of my kids, but this one child is just so difficult."  Let's start with what you are telling yourself about this one child.  The reason could be that you think the other kids are easy and you THINK this one child is hard.  Your child knows what you think because he FEELS it from you.  You are literally telling him to behave in a certain way by the emotions and vibes you are sending him.

Imagine being around someone who doesn't like you (we all have someone who doesn't have the best opinion of us.)  Imagine living with that person and having to walk around the house, knowing that they are going to be annoyed by EVERYTHING we do.  Even if they don't say anything, we can literally feel the criticism with the way the watch us, the way they roll their eyes, they way they don't light up when we talk to them, the way they exclude us with their good feelings.  We can't win, so we give them what they are asking for.  It's a lose/lose situation and it's very frustrating for them.  So start with yourself.  Notice how you feel and what you think.  Slowly change your ugly, bad vibes to something more pleasant.. and step into a new world where you are in control.

I have a couple of clients who say, "I have the worst kids ever.  It doesn't matter what I do.  I've tried everything."

I feel for these parents and don't judge them for having these thoughts.  But they are creating their own problems by focusing on the wrong things.  You do NOT have the worst kids ever. It DOES matter what you do.  And you have NOT tried everything.  So stop being so dramatic. (wink)

The worst kids ever are the kind who kill other kids and animals.  Are your kids without feeling?  Do they murder for no reason?  I didn't think so.  Your kids are wonderful and bright and energetic.  They are busy, emotional, creative, opinionated.  They have a voice!  They are determined!  They have power inside of them and want to be heard,  They are doing good things everyday.  They are doing the very best they know how, whether you want to notice it or not.  They need more love and less criticism.  They are walking a very tough road and they get up and face their lives everyday.  They need a home that offers safety and security.  They need you to see the good in them.  There is so much good to see, focus on it.