not this cute anymore!
I choose to have good thoughts running around in my head about my kids. They are amazing little people. They are obedient. They are helpful. I love each one of their individual personalities. I love watching them grow and learn new things. I love to see joy in their new accomplishments and discoveries. I love to hear their thoughts. There are some things I don't love about parenting-- the messes, the crying, the fighting, the demands. But I choose not to focus on those things. When I do focus on them, I feel tired, frustrated, annoyed, angry and impatient. Being grumpy-pants doesn't help me and I know it makes the kids worse. Instead of getting annoyed, I try to focus on what I LOVE about being in my home. Focusing on the good gives me energy and happiness and that energy allows me to deal with the messy parts of my job. Cleaning up a spill (or even scrubbing a dirty toilet) is EASY when you're not in a bad mood.
The other day Luke recorded a video of Simon and Roma fighting. Ben uploaded it to facebook and posted it to my wall. I cannot get the video off his phone because it's old school, so if you want to see the better version, you will have to watch it on facebook. But this is a recording of a recording. Sorry about the bad quality, but it paints the picture.. I love this video with all of my big mama heart.
This shows Roma in all her sass talking to Simon about how they were splashing each other in our pool. Simon states that Ro poured water on him with a cup and she back-talks him by moving her shoulders and bobbing her head back and forth. They hit each other but the best part is the gang signs they throw at the end. This is something we all see everyday, several times a day and it's beautiful. I love it so much because I know it's something I will miss when it stops. Simon and Roma are such strong personalities and they are PERFECT for each other. I love to watch them interact, talk, debate and even fight. I don't want them hitting each other, but I don't worry about it too much because sooner or later one of them will realize the other person is not worth fighting with. (Simon will eventually give up because Roma never will.) And when they decide to get along it's so darling. Something tells me that will always have this feisty relationship with each other and who am I to take that away from them? This is a natural part of family living and we shouldn't wish it away.
When they get heated in their discussion I usually sit back and observe. I hardly ever video it (but I wish I would) because I think they will love it eventually too. I usually just sit back and let them them figure it out. Eden is starting to get pulled into the mess too and I feel so bad for her because she's so innocent, but she also needs to learn to stick up for herself, so I allow it to be. I step in when I need to, and I usually know when that is. If Eden is involved its sooner, but with Simon and Roma it might escalate. It goes too far when someone is bleeding or cannot physically get themselves out of the situation. I am not a checked-out parent. (A checked out parent is one who rises to the drama and yells and screams... that's what it means to check out and react. An over-involved parent tries to solve all their problems for them and won't allow them to disagree.) I try to stay somewhere in the middle by watching and seeing if there are little suggestions I can give them to work it out easier. I feel very in tune with what is going on and I absolutely love to watch them grow. Childhood is for playing, disagreeing, throwing gang signs and thinking for yourself. This is how we figure out who we are, by having the freedom to interact in the world that we live in.
I was not present during this fight, but if I had been, I would not have yelled "Hey! Stop fighting!" like Luke did. He's doing a great job of managing the situation with a baby and a camera on his lap, but a better suggestion would be a calm, "Everyone respect each other and keep your hands to yourselves." By saying "stop fighting" you are actually asking for more of it, simply because you are drawing attention to it. By focusing on what we don't want, we are really asking for more of it. By talking about respect, love, and keeping our hands to ourselves, we are quietly giving the kids direction without getting overly involved.
If one of them had hurt the other badly and had come running to me (which happens everyday) I would get down on their level, look at the place on their body that hurts and say, "It sounds like that must have hurt you. I'm sorry." and that is all. If they tell me why their brother/sister is such a terrible person, I brush it off and say, "I love when you two get along and play nice together." If they explain why the other person wasn't being nice, I will say, "You are brave and strong, even when other people don't treat you the way you want to be treated." Slowly our kids learn that they have all the tools inside themselves to figure out how to behave properly. If we constantly tell them what not to do and then scold them, they grow up with a skewed understanding of the power they have inside themselves.
For older kids, it's can be trickier because they've learned lots of unhealthy habits over the years, at school and at home. It can be turned around, but you have to show them by example how to behave under stress. The first thing you do is not over-react. Don't yell or belittle. Sit down with them (if they let you) and show them that you are trying to change your own behaviors. Sometimes you don't need to say anything at all, just send them positive vibes. If they are being particularly moody, do NOT let it affect your own mood. Just concentrate or think about times when they are pleasant and ignore the bad vibes. The more we give the negativity power, the more power it has over us.
Many times in my coaching sessions we deal with one particular child. It always starts out with, "I get along with all of my kids, but this one child is just so difficult." Let's start with what you are telling yourself about this one child. The reason could be that you think the other kids are easy and you THINK this one child is hard. Your child knows what you think because he FEELS it from you. You are literally telling him to behave in a certain way by the emotions and vibes you are sending him.
Imagine being around someone who doesn't like you (we all have someone who doesn't have the best opinion of us.) Imagine living with that person and having to walk around the house, knowing that they are going to be annoyed by EVERYTHING we do. Even if they don't say anything, we can literally feel the criticism with the way the watch us, the way they roll their eyes, they way they don't light up when we talk to them, the way they exclude us with their good feelings. We can't win, so we give them what they are asking for. It's a lose/lose situation and it's very frustrating for them. So start with yourself. Notice how you feel and what you think. Slowly change your ugly, bad vibes to something more pleasant.. and step into a new world where you are in control.
I have a couple of clients who say, "I have the worst kids ever. It doesn't matter what I do. I've tried everything."
I feel for these parents and don't judge them for having these thoughts. But they are creating their own problems by focusing on the wrong things. You do NOT have the worst kids ever. It DOES matter what you do. And you have NOT tried everything. So stop being so dramatic. (wink)
The worst kids ever are the kind who kill other kids and animals. Are your kids without feeling? Do they murder for no reason? I didn't think so. Your kids are wonderful and bright and energetic. They are busy, emotional, creative, opinionated. They have a voice! They are determined! They have power inside of them and want to be heard, They are doing good things everyday. They are doing the very best they know how, whether you want to notice it or not. They need more love and less criticism. They are walking a very tough road and they get up and face their lives everyday. They need a home that offers safety and security. They need you to see the good in them. There is so much good to see, focus on it.
I was not present during this fight, but if I had been, I would not have yelled "Hey! Stop fighting!" like Luke did. He's doing a great job of managing the situation with a baby and a camera on his lap, but a better suggestion would be a calm, "Everyone respect each other and keep your hands to yourselves." By saying "stop fighting" you are actually asking for more of it, simply because you are drawing attention to it. By focusing on what we don't want, we are really asking for more of it. By talking about respect, love, and keeping our hands to ourselves, we are quietly giving the kids direction without getting overly involved.
If one of them had hurt the other badly and had come running to me (which happens everyday) I would get down on their level, look at the place on their body that hurts and say, "It sounds like that must have hurt you. I'm sorry." and that is all. If they tell me why their brother/sister is such a terrible person, I brush it off and say, "I love when you two get along and play nice together." If they explain why the other person wasn't being nice, I will say, "You are brave and strong, even when other people don't treat you the way you want to be treated." Slowly our kids learn that they have all the tools inside themselves to figure out how to behave properly. If we constantly tell them what not to do and then scold them, they grow up with a skewed understanding of the power they have inside themselves.
For older kids, it's can be trickier because they've learned lots of unhealthy habits over the years, at school and at home. It can be turned around, but you have to show them by example how to behave under stress. The first thing you do is not over-react. Don't yell or belittle. Sit down with them (if they let you) and show them that you are trying to change your own behaviors. Sometimes you don't need to say anything at all, just send them positive vibes. If they are being particularly moody, do NOT let it affect your own mood. Just concentrate or think about times when they are pleasant and ignore the bad vibes. The more we give the negativity power, the more power it has over us.
Many times in my coaching sessions we deal with one particular child. It always starts out with, "I get along with all of my kids, but this one child is just so difficult." Let's start with what you are telling yourself about this one child. The reason could be that you think the other kids are easy and you THINK this one child is hard. Your child knows what you think because he FEELS it from you. You are literally telling him to behave in a certain way by the emotions and vibes you are sending him.
Imagine being around someone who doesn't like you (we all have someone who doesn't have the best opinion of us.) Imagine living with that person and having to walk around the house, knowing that they are going to be annoyed by EVERYTHING we do. Even if they don't say anything, we can literally feel the criticism with the way the watch us, the way they roll their eyes, they way they don't light up when we talk to them, the way they exclude us with their good feelings. We can't win, so we give them what they are asking for. It's a lose/lose situation and it's very frustrating for them. So start with yourself. Notice how you feel and what you think. Slowly change your ugly, bad vibes to something more pleasant.. and step into a new world where you are in control.
I have a couple of clients who say, "I have the worst kids ever. It doesn't matter what I do. I've tried everything."
I feel for these parents and don't judge them for having these thoughts. But they are creating their own problems by focusing on the wrong things. You do NOT have the worst kids ever. It DOES matter what you do. And you have NOT tried everything. So stop being so dramatic. (wink)
The worst kids ever are the kind who kill other kids and animals. Are your kids without feeling? Do they murder for no reason? I didn't think so. Your kids are wonderful and bright and energetic. They are busy, emotional, creative, opinionated. They have a voice! They are determined! They have power inside of them and want to be heard, They are doing good things everyday. They are doing the very best they know how, whether you want to notice it or not. They need more love and less criticism. They are walking a very tough road and they get up and face their lives everyday. They need a home that offers safety and security. They need you to see the good in them. There is so much good to see, focus on it.
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1 comment:
OH my goodness...I can't get enough of Roma's sassy attitude. I can see why you love this video.
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