not this cute anymore!My dream started with an announcement, a loud speaker hunger-games-style announcement from God himself. Although it was more like the mayor in our Giver-type community. The community was typical, although most of my family, loved ones and friends lived on the same street and we were all chatting about this new, huge announcement... "EVERYONE MUST FIND A NEW SPOUSE. Pack up your suitcases, meet in the street and find a new partner. Changes happen officially in three days when you will be assigned your new homes."
The first couple I met with after hearing the announcement was my parents. They were annoyed and my dad was NOT going to find a new wife. His wife is basically perfect and he said no way, no how was he going to find someone else. If Mom needed to find someone else, that was okay by him, but he wasn't going to move. Typical. My mom was optimistically packing up her things, saying things like, "What's best is best and I will do what I'm told! Everything happens for a reason. I don't even care who I end up with because it will all work out!" This made me laugh... at both of them. I helped my parents divide a few things and my dad was sitting in his chair trying to figure out a way to marry his dog... she was curled up on his lap and we were all sure he would get his way because he's not bothering anyone by breaking the rules. And he and his dog are a match made in heaven. They are totally MFEO.
Next I saw Aaron's parents. They were both dividing and packing up their things, unsure about if they would stay in the same community. Aaron's mom gave me special instructions that Aaron's Dad could not marry someone younger than a certain age (although we were all kind of the same age, anyway) and I wished her the best of luck with her new choice. I was pretty anxious to meet our new sets of parents and widen our family circle. My kids were in my dream as adults, but I don't remember seeing them or talking to them about their spouses.. they were just regular friends and people on my street, searching for a new soulmate.
Next I went to a few friends houses on our street and everything was in disarray. Fights and screaming and jealousy and "don't you dare pick so-n-so" and lots of tears. I tried my best to help them and calm them, but most of all I was anxious to get home and talk to Aaron. I think I went through about ten houses before I finally got to my own.
When I walked into my bedroom, it was white and bright and Aaron was sitting on the edge of our bed, folding clothes and dividing our items. He gave me a big smile and motioned for me to sit down next to him. I was so happy to see him and felt no sadness or frustration. Only gratitude and love for this man. I sat down and we linked arms (cheesy Saturday's warrior style) and proceeded to talk about how we felt when the announcement was given. Both of us stated that it was unexpected, but that life throws curveballs. We talked about which direction we would head in and if there were any plans as to where we wanted to live or any ideas about who we would chose for our next partner. I gave him suggestions and he gave me some. We asked each other about people of the opposite sex, casual acquaintances. I remember saying about one friend, "You would be so good for her. She would be so fortunate." We laughed about the fact that no matter who I find, he's in for a rude awakening. I secretly hoped that everyone would be matched up and that I would be able to fly solo, but I didn't think that was a possibility. After talking, we stood up and hugged, like best friends with benefits hug.. and promised to check back in a few hours to see if we could work out a way to remarry and live next door to each other. That would be best case scenario to still be connected, despite the new rules.
The rest of the dream was kind of crazy.. I was interviewed by several women about Aaron. What it's like to live with him, how he is with children, his cleanliness habits and hygiene levels. If he works hard, if he has a temper, when he goes to sleep, how much television he watches, his bank account, his religious preferences, how he treats me under pressure. And throughout the process I could only say the best things. It was a whirlwind of interviews and I found myself not looking for a mate for myself, but spending all my time trying to find the most perfect wife for him, a woman who would understand what a prize she was getting. In so many instances I found someone that was similar to me, but she still wasn't good enough. I wanted him to be able to take it up a notch, to UPGRADE in all the areas where I lacked. There was literally not a trace of sadness or jealousy or stress.. it was all an exciting game to connect and strengthen our community by matching up the best partners possible.
I woke up before either of us found spouses or reconnected. I remember the last view of my dream, was scanning the crowd of women, hoping to find an angel of a bride for Aaron because that's what he deserved. And deep down, I kind of felt like he was doing the same for me... or that I would end up with someone else who would be equally as amazing, if that was even possible. But my hopes were high when I woke up. I laid there for a while facing the open windows, with morning sunlight streaming in. Then I turned to Aaron and watched him for a little while. His handsome face sleeping so peacefully. I feel this deep gratitude for the last 16 years we've spent together.
When Aaron stirred, I cuddled up to him and told him a little about my dream. He kind of hates hearing about my dreams especially when they have anything to do with our marriage, so I was smiling thinking about this bizarre story. I want to share, but I try not to give him details because he's not interested in the details. So, I didn't say much, but basically stated that I was interviewing other women to make sure his next wife good enough for him to marry. He laughed and said that he if was to tell any other man about me--- and warn them about what's it's like to be married to me he would say this (not quoting directly, but this is what I can remember.."She's supportive and always happy, except when she's not and then you're in trouble. She loves everyone (with the exception of a few) and she will love them so deeply, you won't always feel on top of her list, and somehow you will be okay with that. She is crazy for babies of all shapes and sizes.. She will take you on an adventure of a lifetime, whether you want to go or not, so don't bother dragging your feet. And if you're up for it, it wouldn't take any convincing to get her to move into a nudist colony. And she will always laugh at your really dumb jokes."
Why did this feel like such a good dream instead of a nightmare? I don't know... that's what makes me want to record it and analyze it. I feel like it made me grateful because we are in such a good place in our marriage. We are both completely free to do what we want and we continue to choose each other. I guess we've always been making the choice to stay together, but at the beginning it was out of the sheer excitement (honeymoon stage) and then we were in survival mode while raising little ones and going through school and busy church callings. We had to bury our wants and went on autopilot for a while. Now we are in a new stage, and I don't even know what it is, but it feels like the beginning of something. Maybe these first 16 years we were digging a foundation and making sure it was safe and stable. Now we are starting to build a structure that we can both live in with our own uniqueness and beauty and strengths. but neither of us are defined by it or shackled to it. We are there because we want to be. It's an honor to work with him as a spouse and partner and parent. I get to observe the way he is and admire from afar, but that doesn't mean I have to surrender who I am or what I want out of life. It is a compromise, but not in the way of giving up-- at least that's not how I see it. It's more of a trade-in for something more valuable.
We are discovering more about ourselves and we are holding up boundaries as individuals that the other person has to respect and admire, but not agree with. And as we discover more about ourselves, we are more able and willing to accept the other person (and all people, because it applies to everyone we meet) so its a real sense of freedom to know that others can be themselves with zero judgment attached. Being free to do what you see as important and valuable without having to worry about what others think is a magical feeling..
I literally get excited thinking about connection with others. For me, heaven feels like meeting someone (or a hundred others at once) and being able to connect on such a deep, intimate level that you automatically see their power and strengths with very little effort. The love I feel for my husband is deep, but it's NOT tied to myself in any way. He is not mine. He is himself. And I am not his, but I chose to sleep in the same bed with him because he allows me to be myself... naked, spiritually, emotionally, physically-- exposing your flaws and insecurities. This is the kind of connection I assume happens in a nudist colony, (although everyone tries to tell me otherwise.) There has got to be a place where we can take off our labels and our titles and our agendas and leave our phones in the dust. Where is this place, I want to find it! What would we be without our schedules and clothes and judgments and insecurities.. we would be as free as birds. Free to soar and roam and fly and come back home if we feel like it and not worry about what anyone else is doing.
Last month I read a biography on Harriet Tubman who changed thousands of lives with the Underground Railroad. She was married to a good man who loved her. He wanted nothing to do with the Underground Railroad and Harriet could not even discuss this matter with the man she was married to. When it was time for her to escape-- she didn't even tell him She couldn't say goodbye because he would have talked her into staying. Reading this was powerful. Was he mad when he woke up and his wife was gone? Probably. But it serves him right. He should have been more willing and open and supportive and because he wasn't, he got no goodbye. Harriet absolutely did the right thing in fleeing and following her heart. Had she been killed that very day, it still would have been the right thing to do. I imagine the two of them up in heaven.. that reunion. Guaranteed she wasn't apologizing for freeing and saving lives. And he probably wasn't either. Something tells me that made up quite nicely and understand that they each needed to do what they needed to do.
I am not saying I am going to run away from my life. (I had a fear of commitment as a teenager and wasn't sure if I could get married and have kids because I liked to change things up constantly.) I've come to this beautiful understanding that I can be free as a wife and a mother, completely myself. I am a bird, but Aaron doesn't have to be. We can respect and admire each other because of our differences, not despite them. That is true love, if you ask me.
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