Give your child more power

I constantly have conversations with moms about power struggles with their kids..  I can totally relate because I have my own everyday.  This is a natural part of parenting and I would suggest that you not stress so much about it and try to find as many happy mediums as you can.

With my two power-hungry kids, I try to give them MORE opportunities to be in charge and less rules and boundaries.  Their desire to be a leader is there for a reason and they are frustrated because they don't have control over their own lives.  They are little adults trapped in kid bodies, so just imagine how frustrating it would feel if you had an annoying boss following you around, telling you NO and giving you assignments every few minutes.  Sounds like a pretty terrible life, if you ask me, so my suggestion is to back off and give them some space.

Simon, who is now 6, was born older.  He has always wanted to be the boss of our house and we let him think that he is.  I don't think this is a problem.  We all give him a little space and let him bark orders.  Do we follow his orders?  Hardly ever, but we let him give them.  When he challenges our choices, we explain that he has to INSPIRE us by his example and he if expects us to listen and follow, he needs to be a better leader.  He is learning the power of his own example.

When he was very small and interrupting something important (usually the older boy's school time) I tried to do "timeouts" for him, but they never worked.  Confining him to a small spot and telling him that he had to sit and obey was the WRONG approach for this leader.  He needed and wanted more space and more power... this made him happier and easier to work with.  So I came up with a few alternative options to timeout that worked better for us.

If he was having a meltdown and it was typically time for discipline, I would pull him aside and say something like this, "Hey!  I am looking for someone really strong to help me.  I don't just need anyone, I need a really strong helper who is really smart and really powerful."  His chest would puff up and he stepped up to the job.  And then I would put him to work giving him an assignment that he could totally do-- put a puzzle together, fold blankets, left heavy things, take off couch cushions and jump on them and then put them back on... Sometimes we would do these things together and sometimes he would do them alone (the bigger the meltdown, the more I would supervise.)  Simon didn't respond well to cheesy connection... he wanted to feel better by doing and creating, so I would come up with something that made him feel like he was building an empire.  One job I would give him over and over and over was washing the trampoline.  He probably washed our trampoline 20-30 times between the ages of 2-3.  I would give the assignment as a privilege.. "I need someone really responsible who can wash our ENTIRE trampoline.  It can't just be only half way clean, the whole tramp needs washing, every single spot."  He would eat up that assignment and stay outside with a bucket of water and a wash cloth for a good 30 minutes.  After he was done, I always praised him for a job well done and tell him how lucky we were to have him in our family.  Responsibility and control over a project always worked like a charm.  Now that he's 6, I give him assignments that aren't as arbitrary. (at least in his mind.)  The other day when he was disrupting and being annoying, I gave him a piece of paper and pen and told him I needed a map drawn of every single house in our extended family and how to drive there.  He took the assignment with pride and drew out a dozen houses with directions...  His directions made absolutely no sense whatsoever, but he felt pretty powerful giving directions about where to turn.

With Roma (4) it's very different.  She's a control freak, but more about her THINGS and less about giving directions to other people.  She wants to control what she wears, how her hair is done (usually not at all), what goes in her room, what color her nails are painted and how often, etc.  I let her have complete control over these things, as annoying as it can be.  Am I embarrassed of her when we go out in public?  Usually.  But it makes her happy to wear what she wants.  When living in Utah we constantly  had arguments over her being cold... because she would NOT wear tights or jackets. Coats were an absolute battle.  I would minimize these arguments by letting her dress herself and then offer her sympathy when she was cold.  I did not provide a back-up coat.  I would just say things like, "You're cold now that it's snowing?  I'm sorry.  I hate it when I am cold, so that's why I wear a coat or bring a blanket."  Pretty soon, she'd start bringing a coat or a blanket.  And that was that.  Tights were still a struggle.  Her hair is no longer a battle.  She can do it however she pleases and it makes her so happy.  If I ever try to negotiate anything about her hair, she will actually say, "You are always bossing me around!"  or "You try to control me and I hate it!"  It's a great reminder to me to step back and let her be.  I would hate it if someone made me wear my hair a certain way and dressed me up in clothes that aren't comfortable.  I want to be me, and she wants and needs control over herself.

When shopping, we face a new battle.  Roma wants to buy EVERYTHING anytime we go anywhere.  I used to let her make piles of things she wanted for her birthday (or Christmas or Easter or whatever holiday was coming up next.) But that didn't work well because she would never get those items when the holiday arrived and she remembered.  So now, we have a different approach.  When we are in a store and she begs for me to buy her something, I ask her a simple question.. "What are you going to buy when you have all the money in your wallet?"  This is a question she loves.  Then we talk about what she will buy for her kids when she is a mom.  Our conversation goes like this...

Ro: Mom, I want to buy this!  I love it so much.
Me:  Wow.  That is... pretty.  It costs $79.00.  Are you going to buy it when you have $79?
Ro:  Yes.  I want to buy it right now, though.
Me:  What will your wallet look like when it has all the money in it?
Ro:  It will be rainbow and sparkly and have so so so so much money in it.
Me:  Wow.  I wish I had a sparkly wallet with so much money in it.  My wallet is just plain.  And look?  There is no money in it.
Ro:  But I want to buy it!
Me:  When you grow up and drive to the store, what kind of car will you drive?
Ro:  It will be pink, like a barbie car.
Me:  Love it.  Will you bring your kids to the store?
Ro:  Yes. and I will let them buy everything, always.
Me:  That sounds like you'll be a really good mom.  I don't buy everything for my kids because I don't want my house to get too messy with everything.
Ro:  I am going to go to the store and buy everything and bring it home and have their rooms filled with stuff.
Me:  What will your house look like?
Ro:  It will be pink and purple and pretty and you will love it so much. (grinning ear to ear.)
Me:  I can't wait to visit it.

This is how I deal with her... everyday.  She wants to control me and what I buy, but I hold my ground and tell her that there will be a time when she can control what she buys.  It really does help her to visualize herself being a mom and buying everything for her kids.  It makes her giggle in the middle of the isle instead of sob when we walk away.  Every time she tries to boss me around, I ask her what she will do when she's MY age and the kind of mom she will be when she has a 4 year old.  It's a very different approach to the way I am a mom and that's okay.  We are very different people.  I don't feel bad if she says or thinks I am a bad mom.  I love her for being sassy and feisty.

There is a time as least once a day (it used to be a dozen times a day) when she tells me that she hates me and that I am the worst mom ever.  I don't try to talk her out of feeling this way.  But I don't let it bother me either.  I just let her feel all her feelings and then I say something nonchalant like, "I love it when we are best friends and say nice things to each other."  I don't try to teach her out of the mean words she says, I just tell her what I hope for and what I want in our relationship.  It's a simple tool of expressing what you want and not giving power or attention to what you don't want.  By remaining calm and in control, I teach her (by example) that she can do the same.  She's not quite there yet, but she's getting much better.

Usually when our children are throwing fits its because it's the best way for them to communicate what they want and what they need.  When we tell them to stop (or freak out ourselves) it doesn't solve the problem.. they are still lacking what they need and now cannot communicate it, so they will eventually withdraw or shut down.  When we calmly step into the storm and listen to what they are communicating (Ro:  "You are always controlling me.") then you open yourself up to see where the improvements need to be made.  The improvements always need to be made by the parent first.  Always.  Step into your storms and figure out what you as the adult could improve in your own behavior and then your children will follow.  Stop controlling their behavior and start controlling your own.  Give your feisty kids more power over their own choices, help them plan their futures and watch them come alive!