Waiting to Be Heard

I picked up Amanda Knox's book "Waiting to Be Heard" two days ago on a 25 cent shelf at the library.  I finished it early this morning.  it's 457 pages and filled with mistakes and heartache and sadness.  This is NOT a typical book I read, but for some reason, I wanted to read it (pms, probably) and I loved what I learned.  I am not recommending it because it's full of sex, drugs, swears and heartache, but I was in the mood for it.  (I don't care for fictional drama and mysteries, but this real-life blood is totally okay by me.)

 Amanda Knox was convicted of being involved in the murder of her 20 year old English roommate while living in Italy in 2009.  After 1400 something days in prison, she was acquitted and now she's trying to rebuild her life in Seattle.  After the book was published, the verdict was overturned and apparently she's "guilty" again (although it sounds like unless she goes back to Italy, it won't matter.) Her memoir is her own story and it's a nightmare, I read it with an open heart and I felt all the feels.  So much sadness and heartache.  I didn't cry, but oh I felt so deeply for everyone.. so much empathy for Amanda, her boyfriend, the murder victim and the families involved.  For me, it was all about the power of families and the strength we can give each other when we are going through deep, dark moments.

After reading for a couple of hours and being close to finished last night, I had Luke come into my room around midnight.  He broke out in a rash and was miserable.  I told him to hop in the shower and then come back to lay down by me.  I prepared a little bed for him on the floor by the door to the outside deck in my room.  I set up a fan, clean sheets and grabbed some essential oils to rub on him.  When he came back, I saw how bad the rash was and felt so sorry for him.  (We've had this weird flu bug, but it must be hitting Luke in a breakout..)

While rubbing him down, I just felt so grateful for his health and for each of my kids.  I thought of friends who have watched their children suffer from all kinds of ailments and diseases and my heart goes out to them.  I thought of Amanda Knox's mother, flying to Italy after hearing about the murder and arriving just after Amanda was arrested.  She was outside that prison wall, unable to help or comfort her little girl.  Being a parent is so heart-wrenching because we love our babies so much.  As I rubbed Luke down with oils, I felt the love that I was giving to him through the power of touch.  The older my teenage boys get, the more I wonder if our relationship will change... because they are boys and it's weird to touch.  But only if we make it so.  Luke and I have a special connection and I am his friend and his supporter.  His love language is touch and even though it's not natural for me to express love in that way, I know that's how he receives it.  He literally melted on that pillow and went to sleep so peacefully and sweetly.  I went to bed feeling so grateful to have my family under my roof.

Many people have vilified Miss Knox because she was sleeping around, smoking marijuana and being irresponsible and unfeeling with the way she responded to the murder. I don't see why we need to judge or label her.  She learned a really tough lesson the hard way.  And she just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time... (not to mention her darling roommate who was killed.)  I think she shows bravery by opening up and telling her story, explaining and apologizing for the mistakes she made and seeing what she learned from such tough lessons.  Her story makes me want to reach out to everyone, especially those making stupid mistakes.  But the thing is, we are all flawed and we are all making big mistakes, they just aren't as easy to see or exploited by the media.  She became hated because she didn't respond the way the majority would.. and because she's beautiful and American and unapologetic.  I've since watched interviews done by her boyfriend Raffaele Sollecito who has thrown into the whirlwind after dating Amanda for one week.  I absolutely loved the way they stuck by each other (not romantically involved after that week) and maintained their innocence.  Their lives were dramatically changed because of a simple kiss outside the crime scene and that's so sad.

Reading such a dark book could have made me feel worse about people and law enforcement and national security, but it made me more grateful and more hopeful.  People REALLY are doing the best with the tools they have.  Experience will give them more tools and hindsight will give them a clearer vision.  But we must give others the benefit of the doubt.

It also got me thinking about the choices I've made in the past couple of years and more recently in the past few weeks.  When moving, I had to make some tough choices about what I was going to be able to do before we moved.  I had to tell clients who were interested in coaching that we weren't a right match for each other.  I had to cancel a meeting I was scheduled to speak.  I had to back out on a baby shower for a best friend that I was planning.  I said no to extended family parties.  I said sorry when it came to church obligations.  I really thought about doing everything and spreading myself thin, but my priority was moving with my husband when he wanted to move and being supportive and happy for my kids and my family.  When we arrived and decided to go to the beach (instead of spend the week unpacking like we'd planned) I got flack and hurt feelings for saying no when I could have said yes and stayed longer.  But there is power in owning your decisions and dealing with the aftermath of those decisions.  My priorities are first to myself-- always doing what I feel good about, not worrying about what is "right" and "wrong" and trusting that my gut will guide me to where I need to be.  And then next to my husband and kids.  They absolutely came before everything else-- and that's okay.  As we stand in our own power and trust that the decisions we make are the best for us, we allow other feelings to settle where they may.  Lessons are learned in every experience and I am grateful for what I've learned... and I absolutely trust that others who judge or chose to be hurt or feel frustrated also are trying to do their best with what is on their plate.  There is love all around for everyone.  We are on the same team here, all learning lessons as we own our own decisions and put up our own boundaries for what we can and can't do.

Where does God fit in with all this decision making, following your gut and making mistakes?  He's always there in my world.  But I don't think He wants us to feel guilt or sadness or judgment toward others.  He wants us to embrace learning and growing and He wants us to find greater connection with each other as we realize we are all in the same boat..  I believe I am making the best decisions for myself and my family and God supports me and is there to rub me down when a rash breaks out.  He won't take away the pain, but there is healing and ointment when I turn to Him.  I believe God felt so much sympathy and love for Amanda Knox when she was making stupid decisions.  I know He has so much concern for families who struggle and see their kids in pain.  I believe we become less like God when we judge or have negative feelings toward others who don't live the same way we choose to live.  There is enough love for everyone... and we must remember love for ourselves when we find ourselves in a place that isn't where we want to be.  Life is about finding light, joy and peace... and if we can't currently feel the peace, wait out the storm.  This moment is teaching us a lesson and giving us contrast for when the light and peace come.