transformed

Dear Friends,

 Happy Mother's Day to each of you! Some of you I know personally and others I have never officially met, but I love you just the same.  Thank you taking time to read about my life. My Mother's Day has been splendid. I've spent the day in quiet reflection on the things that matter most to me. The past couple of days, I've had the chance to read NieNie's book Heaven is Here and it is so inspiring. If you haven't read it already, I encourage you to do so. I was so touched by the personal experiences she shared, especially the moments after the plane crash and the time she spent with her Grandma who had passed away. Since reading it, I have felt that I should be more open about the experience I had during Roma's birth. Today in Relief Society I bore my testimony briefly about feeling my Grandma Roma in my bedroom, but I would like to tell you, my dear readers, about what I felt on that special day. This is personal, but Mother's Day is the perfect time to share a story like this.

Many of you know how difficult my labor was with Roma.  I was dilated to a ten for almost 4 hours.  Each minute seemed like an eternity. I was trying my best to relax and breath through the contractions, but it was so difficult, beyond anything I had ever experienced before.  I kept telling myself that I could do it, that I was strong enough, that I was capable, but eventually I gave up.  I lost all motivation and wanted to die.  The contractions became so intense that I literally left my body because I couldn't handle the pain.  As crazy as it sounds, I watched my labor progress, from the ceiling of my bedroom. I saw my husband try to comfort me and my midwife check my progress, and I watched myself, or the shell of my body from above. When I realized that I was not actually in my body anymore, I saw that my room was also filled with women, hundreds of women who knew me personally and cared for my family.

Days before I went into labor, I felt the presence of my Grandma Roma.  I knew a week before my baby was born, that she would be born on her birthday.  I told only a few people close to me that I knew when she was going to be born, but I wrote the details in my journal.  When the day finally came, I figured that my sweet Grandma would be there to witness the birth, but I never expected to have hundreds of angels in attendance.  They were beautiful, young and glowing.  I recognized many of them, not from pictures, but from stories I had heard.  I knew who they were without having to be introduced.  There were generations of Grandmothers on both my side and my husband's side.  They were so thrilled to be there and so happy for my little family.  At one point, I thanked them for coming, thanked them for supporting me during this difficult time.  And then I realized that they were not there for me, but for my daughter.  They were close to her and wanted to witness her arrival.  When I realized this, I saw my daughter's spirit, in her adult form.  She was so beautiful and so mature.  She was absolutely thrilled to be coming to Earth.  When I saw her, I knew that my labor would soon be over, that we would both survive and that everything was going to be okay.  I felt able and ready to return to my body.  I could do this!

But before I did, I wanted to reconnect with my sweet Grandma.  I wanted to talk to her and thank her for watching over me and for orchestrating such a special weekend with my Aunt.  It was then that I realized that she was next to my Aunt Nancy, that she was by her side the entire time.  She had been involved because she wanted her daughter to experience this.  My aunt had never had children of her own and never been to the birth of a child.  It was for her, and my Grandma knew I would be willing and able to welcome her into my home and invite her to share in my birthing experience.  I felt the love she had for her daughter, and I felt that same connection with my baby, my own darling daughter.  I knew that a Mother's love extended beyond the grave and that it was unbreakable and eternal.

I returned to my body, and immediately felt the terrible surging pain, as if I was going to be torn in half.  I got down on my knees and asked for the Angels in attendance to please help me through the pain.  It wasn't until I watched the DVD my Aunt had given me, that I realized my plea was verbal-- that I had said it out loud.  Immediately after that prayer was offered, the pain was taken away and my sweet baby was born.  I held her and realized that her beautiful, mature spirit had now entered her 7 lb body.  I recognized her, not just from seeing her minutes before, but I knew that she had always been a part of my life.  I felt so proud that she had chosen to come to our family, that she chose to be my daughter.  She was perfect and she had already taught me so much.

Hours after the birth, Angelic women lingered in my bedroom.  My children came in and out, touching the baby and squealing at her cuteness, and I felt the love that these Angels had not only for my daughter, but for me, and for all of my children.  I realized that they are around us all of the time, but we can't feel them because we aren't humble enough, or desperate enough, or worthy of the Spirit that allows you to see with new eyes.  One by one, they left, but my Grandma Roma stayed, always close to Nancy.  When Nancy beamed on the phone to someone about being able to cut the baby's cord, my Grandma beamed too.

As difficult as the experience was, I wouldn't trade it for the world.  It changed me and the way that I think about life.  My relationship with my daughter is so much deeper, so much more real than I can express with words.  She is not my baby, but one of my dearest closest friends.  She is strong and determined and confident.  She has work to do on this Earth and she's not going to let anyone get in her way!

This Mother's Day is very special to me because I have an added knowledge of what it means to be a Mother.  Just because we are older than our children, it doesn't mean we are wiser.  Our relationship with our children is divine and it will last forever, long after we've passed on.  I think of my dear friends who have lost parents and I know, without a doubt, that their Mothers are a part of their lives and are close to them more often than they realize.  Love binds us together in a very literal sense.  I am so grateful for that knowledge and for the peace that fills my heart as I carry out my duties as a Mother to my sweet children.  They are my gifts and it is a pleasure to serve them and care for them in this innocent and pure and sweet stage of their lives.  Before we know it, they will be having children of their own to care for.

I pray that I can be the kind of Mother that will make my ancestors proud and the kind that will instill faith and courage in my children.  It is my responsibility to prepare them for the experiences they will have when I am no longer able to protect them and care for them.  This is such a beautiful stage in my life.  It is hard and exhausting and draining, but that makes it sacred.  We become stronger when we carry heavy burdens.  We are transformed into the kind of people who see clearer, feel deeper and love unconditionally.  Today I am grateful for my children, for my husband who supports and loves me and for the experiences that have made me who I am.

Happy Mother's Day to the women who have shaped me and those beyond the grave who gave me strength when I didn't have anything left to give.

father and sons camp out 2012

props to my man for documenting. they had tons (and TONS) of fun at the father and sons camp out. and they were beyond dirty when they came home.

7 months, one week, and four days

 It's just GIRLS in this house and we couldn't be more excited about it.... Sunny (our doggie, who also happens to be a girl) is going crazy wondering where all the chaos went.  Ro-baby was so thrilled that she went down for a nap.  I decided to use my quiet time to write our ward newsletter, but instead I came across this article.

and then I watched this video.

Ruby Jane was 7 months and one week old when she passed away..  I sobbed for her parents... My baby girl is 7 months one week and four days old.

I can't imagine my life without my baby.  I signed up to be an organ donor asap.  Read more of their inspirational story HERE.

peachy

it was a bad day yesterday.  I might say it was the worst, but that would be exaggerating.

YESTERDAY...

I missed a teacher appreciation breakfast because I had a quick dentist checkup.

My quick appt turned into 90 minutes.  I came out with numb lips and less gum tissue.  ouch.

Luke stayed home from school because he was sick.  He had to come to the dentist with me.  He picked out a bouncy ball  for being so well behaved at the appointment. :)

I wanted to run errands sans kids in the morning, but my long appt ruined everything.

Roma was extra fussy, so I kept feeding her.  She eventually threw up.. in my shoes.  While I was wearing them.

While bathing the baby, Simon coated my bedroom in baby powder... in the general direction of Aaron's tennis rackets, guitar and important paperwork.

I dressed Ro while Simon bathed.  He opened a shampoo container with his teeth and got rather slippery.  Bubble mania.

During nap time, I finally got Mother's Day packages and cards addressed to the special women in our lives.  They probably won't arrive in time, though...

I had to wake up the babies to pick up carpool and run to the post office.  While in the post office, a donkey tried to get into our minivan.  Sounds odd, but oddly, it's a pretty typical situation for Blue Diamond.

I took five kids to Sam's Club.  The kids were extremely hungry and wanted EVERY SINGLE sample.  We filled up our cart.

After ringing up our massive amount of goods, I realize my wallet has been ransacked by a toddler.  I had nothing to offer the cashier.

We called Aaron and he bailed me out... for the bazillionth time in our marriage.  He thinks it's funny, but it's not.  He helped me load the groceries and then went on his way.  Thursday nights are his.

We unloaded everything from the car and tried to pack for the Father and Sons camp out.  While packing, Simon unloaded the drawers from his nightstand and literally moved it down the stairs, single-handed.  He was using it as a stool to get to the markers... This child is seriously unbelievable.  I need a shock collar for him.  Or an electric high chair.

Kids were in bed around 9 PM.  No stories.  Roma was screaming in her swing... and she had a right to be. Someone had drawn on her head with a permanent marker.  Poor baby.

Around 11 PM, the husband comes home.  Roma and I are still awake.  Turns out, she doesn't really feel like sleeping.  Two bottom teeth are in and it looks like the top might make an appearance soon.  

TODAY is going to be a better day, I feel it in my bones.

I am sending all my men to the mountains.  I opted out of a fun girls trip to St. George to stay home and cuddle my baby, look for my missing credit cards. and do nothing else...

yesterday's mess

This is what Simon was doing yesterday while I was feeding the baby.  I found him about 2 minutes too late, but several minutes early if you consider the mess that could have been ours.

I didn't lose my cool.  Not even a little bit.  I put him in time out and quickly cleaned up the glue on the floor.  Before I was finished, he was at my side singing "The Sorry Song".  It's a little tune he's made up and it's so darling.  I will have to catch it on video... which should be easy because he seems to be singing it several times a day.  

After the floor was clean, I sat down with him and helped him get the glue off his hands.  It had dried and it was peeling off like dead skin.  He was fascinated and kept saying, "Am I going to die?"  I kept telling him "No." and then he would say, "Oh.  Cause you love me."  He had the hiccups and kept saying that sentence over and over if he got uninterrupted.  It was a moment we had together, one that anger and impatience couldn't take from me.  I was sitting on the floor with my toddler, peeling off his dead skin as he reassured the both of us that we loved each other.  One of my favorite moments of motherhood so far.  

Not long after, it was nap time.  We laid down next to each other in my room.  The wind was blowing the curtains in the air and Simon would look at me and say, "The Robots are coming to get us!"  So then we would put the pillow over our heads and hide.  He would giggle in the dark.  I could tell he was extra sleepy, so I told him that The Robots WILL get him if he opens his eyes.  And so they stayed shut... as if they were glued.  ?

When it was time to pick up the older boys from school, I went in to wake up Simon and this is how I found him.  He woke up with blood on his hands and said, "I did died, mom!  I did."  I laughed and told him that he's the only kid I know that can make a huge mess even when he's asleep.