transformed

Dear Friends,

 Happy Mother's Day to each of you! Some of you I know personally and others I have never officially met, but I love you just the same.  Thank you taking time to read about my life. My Mother's Day has been splendid. I've spent the day in quiet reflection on the things that matter most to me. The past couple of days, I've had the chance to read NieNie's book Heaven is Here and it is so inspiring. If you haven't read it already, I encourage you to do so. I was so touched by the personal experiences she shared, especially the moments after the plane crash and the time she spent with her Grandma who had passed away. Since reading it, I have felt that I should be more open about the experience I had during Roma's birth. Today in Relief Society I bore my testimony briefly about feeling my Grandma Roma in my bedroom, but I would like to tell you, my dear readers, about what I felt on that special day. This is personal, but Mother's Day is the perfect time to share a story like this.

Many of you know how difficult my labor was with Roma.  I was dilated to a ten for almost 4 hours.  Each minute seemed like an eternity. I was trying my best to relax and breath through the contractions, but it was so difficult, beyond anything I had ever experienced before.  I kept telling myself that I could do it, that I was strong enough, that I was capable, but eventually I gave up.  I lost all motivation and wanted to die.  The contractions became so intense that I literally left my body because I couldn't handle the pain.  As crazy as it sounds, I watched my labor progress, from the ceiling of my bedroom. I saw my husband try to comfort me and my midwife check my progress, and I watched myself, or the shell of my body from above. When I realized that I was not actually in my body anymore, I saw that my room was also filled with women, hundreds of women who knew me personally and cared for my family.

Days before I went into labor, I felt the presence of my Grandma Roma.  I knew a week before my baby was born, that she would be born on her birthday.  I told only a few people close to me that I knew when she was going to be born, but I wrote the details in my journal.  When the day finally came, I figured that my sweet Grandma would be there to witness the birth, but I never expected to have hundreds of angels in attendance.  They were beautiful, young and glowing.  I recognized many of them, not from pictures, but from stories I had heard.  I knew who they were without having to be introduced.  There were generations of Grandmothers on both my side and my husband's side.  They were so thrilled to be there and so happy for my little family.  At one point, I thanked them for coming, thanked them for supporting me during this difficult time.  And then I realized that they were not there for me, but for my daughter.  They were close to her and wanted to witness her arrival.  When I realized this, I saw my daughter's spirit, in her adult form.  She was so beautiful and so mature.  She was absolutely thrilled to be coming to Earth.  When I saw her, I knew that my labor would soon be over, that we would both survive and that everything was going to be okay.  I felt able and ready to return to my body.  I could do this!

But before I did, I wanted to reconnect with my sweet Grandma.  I wanted to talk to her and thank her for watching over me and for orchestrating such a special weekend with my Aunt.  It was then that I realized that she was next to my Aunt Nancy, that she was by her side the entire time.  She had been involved because she wanted her daughter to experience this.  My aunt had never had children of her own and never been to the birth of a child.  It was for her, and my Grandma knew I would be willing and able to welcome her into my home and invite her to share in my birthing experience.  I felt the love she had for her daughter, and I felt that same connection with my baby, my own darling daughter.  I knew that a Mother's love extended beyond the grave and that it was unbreakable and eternal.

I returned to my body, and immediately felt the terrible surging pain, as if I was going to be torn in half.  I got down on my knees and asked for the Angels in attendance to please help me through the pain.  It wasn't until I watched the DVD my Aunt had given me, that I realized my plea was verbal-- that I had said it out loud.  Immediately after that prayer was offered, the pain was taken away and my sweet baby was born.  I held her and realized that her beautiful, mature spirit had now entered her 7 lb body.  I recognized her, not just from seeing her minutes before, but I knew that she had always been a part of my life.  I felt so proud that she had chosen to come to our family, that she chose to be my daughter.  She was perfect and she had already taught me so much.

Hours after the birth, Angelic women lingered in my bedroom.  My children came in and out, touching the baby and squealing at her cuteness, and I felt the love that these Angels had not only for my daughter, but for me, and for all of my children.  I realized that they are around us all of the time, but we can't feel them because we aren't humble enough, or desperate enough, or worthy of the Spirit that allows you to see with new eyes.  One by one, they left, but my Grandma Roma stayed, always close to Nancy.  When Nancy beamed on the phone to someone about being able to cut the baby's cord, my Grandma beamed too.

As difficult as the experience was, I wouldn't trade it for the world.  It changed me and the way that I think about life.  My relationship with my daughter is so much deeper, so much more real than I can express with words.  She is not my baby, but one of my dearest closest friends.  She is strong and determined and confident.  She has work to do on this Earth and she's not going to let anyone get in her way!

This Mother's Day is very special to me because I have an added knowledge of what it means to be a Mother.  Just because we are older than our children, it doesn't mean we are wiser.  Our relationship with our children is divine and it will last forever, long after we've passed on.  I think of my dear friends who have lost parents and I know, without a doubt, that their Mothers are a part of their lives and are close to them more often than they realize.  Love binds us together in a very literal sense.  I am so grateful for that knowledge and for the peace that fills my heart as I carry out my duties as a Mother to my sweet children.  They are my gifts and it is a pleasure to serve them and care for them in this innocent and pure and sweet stage of their lives.  Before we know it, they will be having children of their own to care for.

I pray that I can be the kind of Mother that will make my ancestors proud and the kind that will instill faith and courage in my children.  It is my responsibility to prepare them for the experiences they will have when I am no longer able to protect them and care for them.  This is such a beautiful stage in my life.  It is hard and exhausting and draining, but that makes it sacred.  We become stronger when we carry heavy burdens.  We are transformed into the kind of people who see clearer, feel deeper and love unconditionally.  Today I am grateful for my children, for my husband who supports and loves me and for the experiences that have made me who I am.

Happy Mother's Day to the women who have shaped me and those beyond the grave who gave me strength when I didn't have anything left to give.