thirty five

I had a birthday a few days ago.  I turned 35.  Is that old or young?  I think both.  And even though my husband or kids would tell you differently, I really am growing up.  I can feel myself getting more mature by the minute.

It was a really mellow day and I loved it, although I am not sure I would have when I was younger ;).  I had a few things to be frustrated about.. like my phone shattering and my van being in the shop.  So I was without a (real) phone and without a car.  But I woke up in a great mood and didn't care what happened.  Simon and Zack have Let's Play Music classes on Wednesdays and Simon was the first one out of bed that morning.  He found me nursing Eden on the couch and said so excitedly, "Mom guess what today is....!"  I just smiled at him and let him answer himself, "It's MUSIC CLASS DAY!"  Then I told him it was by birthday too and he said, "Cool"  Which is really how I felt about my day.  Not sad (at all) but also not really that excited either.  just cool.

I heard the older boys in the kitchen while i was nursing so I went back to bed because I had a feeling they were bringing me breakfast.  And within a few minutes, I had a plate of scrambled eggs and cold toast.  Roma ate most of it for me.

Aaron left for work and said he would come home for lunch.  I said cool.  Debbie called and we chatted for a while.  Jane stopped by to drop off the most thoughtful gift.. a willow tree figurine that I will treasure forever, along with a cafe rio gift card and the sweetest card.  She also offered to take Simon, Roma and Zack for her morning music class and drop them off after lunch.  I knew Roma would LOVE being there for her class (and she did.)

Since Eden was asleep, Ben and Luke and I capitalized on our quiet time and played a couple of rounds of Rummikub.  I told them to go easy on me since it was my birthday but they didn't obey.  I lost every time we played.  We got some banana bread out of the freezer and laughed through a few games.

Then I took a bubble bath, in my quiet bedroom, which is rare.  I listened to a few of my favorite Marianne Williamson devotionals.  I've heard them all dozens of times, but I really love her.  I took time getting ready, actually applying makeup in front of a real mirror.

By this time, Aaron was home for lunch.  We heard back from the shop that my van was ready, so we decided to go out to eat and pick it up on our way home.  We took Eden with us to Cafe Rio (had to use my new gift card, of course.) and had a delicious meal and Eden was a peach.  After we picked up the van, Aaron took Eden home and I stopped off at JoAnn's to get a couple of things... because lately I really feel like crafting instead of packing my house.  I figure my birthday is a good enough excuse to make a mess with paint.  Kristy called while I was at the store, so we were able to chat while I roamed around the store with nothing to do but browse.  It's amazing how great it feels to push a shopping cart without any kids inside or nearby.

while ringing up at JoAnn's I had a coupon on my phone and showed the cashier.  It's comical, really because the screen on my phone is shattered into a million pieces and she was trying to read the code and having a hard time.  She said, "I would be so pissed if this was my phone."  I said, "I know.  And it's my birthday."  She said, "Well, my cat ran away this morning."  I asked, "Is it your birthday?" She said "no." and then I told her. "It's not that big of a deal, then."  She looked at me without an expression and I walked out to the car smiling.  I was joking, obviously, but not everyone gets my humor.. and that's too bad.  I'm sure her cat came back, the very next day. thought he was a gonner, but he just couldn't stay away, oh no.  Anyone know this song?

one of the projects the kids and I made this week.

When I got home, Aaron was playing Uno with the kids.  I returned texts, took Zack to his music class, opened a $weet card from my parents and a cute package and card from Aaron's parents.  Man, we came from good stock.  Aaron had made a cake and had dinner marinating in the fridge (grilled chicken and a yummy salad.) but I told him I'd rather go up to the temple and walk the grounds while the sun set.  So everyone packed up in the van and buckled up.  When I say go, we go... at least on my birthday.  I LOVE when Aaron is in a good mood and he knows that's all he has to do to make me happy.. just be happy.  I didn't get any presents from Aaron and the kids, but I don't need anything and their cards were totally enough.

We picked up Zack from class and headed up to the temple.  But because we were already hungry before we even got on the freeway, we stopped at Sonic and got everyone a kids meal. Lori called while Aaron was ordering and I answered, which is a total no-no for our marriage.  No talking on the phone when we are ordering and passing out food to the kids.  But it's my birthday, so bring on the crazy.. the kids meals also came with sticker dispensers which ended up all over their faces.  We also had to make a bathroom stop.. (seriously?) on the way so the sun set before we got to the temple.  I love the temple at night because there is a great view of the strip and mountains all around the valley.  I absolutely love Las Vegas and our time here.  It's been so good to me.

As we walked around the grounds (and tried to avoid sprinklers) I had a chance to hold each of my kids hands and talk to them for a minute privately.  Zack was especially cute talking about how good he felt there and that he was so glad we came. Ben too.  I feel terrible that I've never taken Ben to do baptisms here.  Having a baby kind of puts a wrench in any temple plans, but still.  He's been with the youth, but we need to take him soon.  We took a couple of pictures and then got back into the car.

We came home to cake and ice cream and stayed around the table for while just talking.  Not really about anything special.  Just enjoying each other and the ease of knowing there is no school or homework to worry about.  We ended up staying up even later watching the new season of Survivor premier (yes, we are still huge fans.  it's the only television we watch.)  I think it was around midnight before we got into bed... so I used up every minute of my special day doing what I love to do best, hang out with my family.

I don't really have any new goals for the new year except get back in shape, read more books, enjoy living near my extended family and continue to invest my time with my kids and husband.  Thirty-five is going to be a year of adjustment.  Give me this mountain.  I am ready to climb.

Eden Lee at 6 months

Fastest 6 months of my life just flew by. and some of the happiest too.  I feel bad I've completely dropped the ball with documenting Eden's first 6 months, but then I don't.  Because I've spent all my free time loving on this sweet girl.  She has been held 95% of her short life-- not because she's crying but because we all fight over her.  She is such a lightweight and fits perfectly in anyone's arms.  And she is always happy.  She rarely cries and if she does, we know she's hungry.  We really couldn't have asked for a sweeter, softer, more beautiful baby.

Eden is a great sleeper (through the night since she was moved to her crib) and she has been my best little nurser.  I quit breastfeeding Simon and Roma around 6 months because it was still hard work and didn't seem worth it to me.  But nursing Eden has been so rewarding and enjoyable, since the very first day.  She will not take a bottle because I've never given her one... but she's always happy to eat anything we're eating at the table.  But after trying all kinds of things, rice cereal isn't very tasty anymore.  One of her favorite things is gnawing on pizza crust. 

There is not a single person in our family who isn't head over heels over this sweet baby.  Roma is definitely her biggest fan and even though she's never gentle, Eden loves her right back.  She has smiles for anyone who will make eye contact with her, but she rarely laughs.  Her demeanor is calm, quiet, gentle, and soft.  She does not get excited easily and her energy level is very low.  She doesn't kick or squeal unless the dog is licking her... I'm totally jealous of how easy Sunny can get her to laugh, all she has to do is move and Eden looses it.   Both of my girls are such animal lovers. 

We've spent the last 6 months together as a family, almost every minute of every day.  Something happened to us the day she was born and I think we all knew how important it was for us to cherish our time together.  She has made our home a more spiritual place and her influence has definitely made me feel God's love more in my life.  Those who meet her in person always say two things.. that she is cuter in person than in her pictures and that she is gentle and feminine.  As her mother, I couldn't agree more.  I feel that she radiates love and peace and beauty and that she was blessed with a patient and gentle soul.  She has been a such a gift to our family.

Happy half birthday, Sweetie Edee.  You are adored.

temples, families, motherhood and God

the past few years I've really struggled with my testimony.  There have been several serious conversations where I've asked my husband how he'd feel if I decided I didn't believe in God anymore.  I've wanted to take a break from church, praying, family scripture study, and anything else spiritual or cheesy.  I've also had times where I've wondered if my highly spiritual husband and I were compatible because I felt so far from where he was and didn't even know if I wanted to be the kind of wife he needed or wanted.  Because he's been 100% supportive and loving and understanding, I was able to take the time figure out what it is I believe and what is most important to me.

And over the past few months, I was able to find myself and my testimony.  I don't know how I buried it or lost it, but it was gone for a while..  and it feels so good to be back.  There was a series of events that led to my new found faith, but I would say that my sisters trip to St. George back in May was monumental for me-- particularly the conversations I had with my dad and my little sister Cindy.  Without going into too much detail, I will say that not only do I believe in God and know that He is real and knows us personally, but I believe in dark and evil forces.  I know that Satan is real and he knows me personally and I can tell you that he has truly been trying to keep me from understanding how important my role is as a wife and a mother.  I didn't realized it at the time because I actually never felt sad or discouraged.  In fact, I felt rather smart for asking questions and challenging my faith.  To me it seemed like the noble and right path to follow.  I felt empowered knowing that I could do what I wanted and I felt like a better person and a good mother trying to keep my kids from becoming brainwashed like I wondered if I had been.  But that is exactly what the Adversary wanted me to feel.  Had I felt sad or dark or unhappy, I would have prayed my way out of it or turned for ways to find more peace in my life.  Instead I became more and more distant from God.

Of course, I don't have everything figured out, but I after having gone through such a long period of questioning my beliefs and testimony, not only do I sympathize and understand what others are going through who leave their religion, but I feel that much more grateful to my husband for being willing and able to talk through some really tough conversations.  We never argued about it, never distanced ourselves from each other and I truly have so much more respect and love for the way he handled my questions.. because I am sure I wouldn't have been as patient or understanding had the roles been reversed.

Fast forward to today.  I woke up at 6 am (after only 3 hours of sleep) with so much love and excitement for my family and for the opportunity we had to attend church together.  We have been members of the Coronado Ward for 7.5 years now and although it's a completely different area than when we moved in, our love for the people is the same.  I absolutely love my ward family and will feel so sad to leave (yes, we are moving soon.)

So anyway, I woke up and recruited my early-bird partner in crime (Zack) to help me with breakfast.  Roma woke up too and the three of us cooked up an amazing breakfast before 8:30 church.  We had bacon and eggs and biscuits and hash browns on the table before the rest of the family woke up.  Getting six kids dressed in their Sunday best was easy and we pulled up to the church early so I could do a few things for my calling before sacrament meeting started.

I had both girls on my lap during the sacrament and Roma had such a good time feeding Eden her first piece of bread and small cup of water. My girls are my everything and I had to steal Aaron's phone to take a quick selfie. They remained on my lap during the first talk (which was about the blessings of the temple) and it was inspiring.  So inspiring that I needed to take notes and was somehow able to write down an entire page full of quotes and thoughts and bullet points.  By the time she finished, I was in tears, full of gratitude to be there with my sweet family.  I also felt empowered because my soul testified of the light and truth that was spoken.

today, around 9am.

me holding Roma,  Ro holding Eden. 

Eden wishing she was peacefully asleep in her carseat.

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The intermediate hymn was a choir made up of the Priesthood holders in our ward.. all of the boys and men 12 years and older.  Ben was already on the stand sitting next to the Bishop, so he found his place in the middle of the crowd, front and center.  Aaron was on the far side (in front of our family) and loving looked in my direction as tears streamed down my face.  It was such a powerful song.  The image of Ben standing in the middle of this incredible group of men will be forever etched in my memories.  He was at least a foot shorter than everyone around him.  He looked so young and yet so old at the same time.  I know that he will be growing leaps and bounds in the next few years, physically, spiritually and mentally.  I felt that my responsibility as his mother is no longer as important as it once was.  I did not feel sad or homesick for the days when he was younger.  I felt so excited for him and proud of the man that he has become.  As they sang the primary song "We'll Bring the World His Truth" (Army of Helaman) I pictured Ben and all of my boys as missionaries, heading out into the world, spreading light and truth to those who are looking for more peace in their lives.  I am so grateful for my sons.  How did I get so lucky to have four right in a row?  And that husband of mine could not have looked more handsome in his suit on the stage.  Being a mother and wife to my family has been more rewarding and fulfilling than I ever thought possible.  *If you haven't heard this song, here is a youtube video (our song today was only in one language..)  If I would have had my phone, I would have snapped a picture of my sweet Benjamin singing these words.

The final speaker was our incredible Primary President.  She has only been in the ward a short while but served as my visiting teacher during the times that I was struggling (and also serving as relief society president, imagine that.) This dear sweet sister is so inspired and probably has no idea how much she has blessed my life.  I truly love her and her family... and I need to tell her in person!  But she is so full of joy and happiness and spoke about how temples bless families (the primary theme this year is Families Are Forever.)  Her talk was simple and profound.  Tears continued to flow as I listened to her inspired words and thought about how much I love being a part of a family.  There is so much heartbreak going on with women in the LDS church and what their role is in our religion.  I completely and 100% understand where they are coming from because I am a strong woman and I want my voice to be heard.  I am all about empowering women and young girls and I do know there needs to be more equality in religions and in the world for women.  I get it.  But I also believe that the most powerful thing we can EVER do as women is be a righteous example in the home.  There is nothing more important than making a home a comfortable place to live.  Yes, I am talking about doing the dirty work that can seem so degrading at times-  the cleaning, cooking, washing laundry, tending to sick children, putting on band-aids, supporting and serving your husband.  There is no man that can make a house a home like a loving wife can, no matter how hard he tried.  And there is no woman that could provide and protect and preside like a good husband.  Our roles are very different and very important.  Is it fair or equal?  Probably not, but it wasn't meant to be.  And I know we are empowered as we realize our sacred roles in the home and in the world.  There are many days where I wish I could be making a difference in the work force, or in the decision-making positions in the church, but I know that I was blessed with a unique ability to care, prepare to serve and to teach my children.  As wonderful as my husband is, he can't nurture my children like I can.  It's taken me a long time to understand my role in the home and I am sure I have many more lessons ahead of me, but today I felt grateful for the opportunity to stay at home with my children and to serve my family day in and day out.  It's completely exhausting, everyday.  But it's so rewarding.  and the most important thing I will ever do.

Our Primary President bore her testimony of the importance of families and read the lyrics to this new song the children are learning.  I absolutely love this song.  It may sound like it was written by June Cleaver, but it speaks truth to my "woman-power" soul.

I posted the following video on my facebook page a few months ago, during a time when I wasn't sure if I had even a twig of faith in God, the scriptures, the church.  I wasn't sure about anything really and kept telling myself that I was meant for something different, something bigger.  But I did as it encourages... to act on the tiniest twig of faith... I protected it and used it to whatever extent I could and I prayed to feel some kind of direction or peace.  And I can testify that I felt an immediate difference.  I know God was just waiting for me to get on my knees and pray sincerely and desperately.  I love this short clip for many reasons and still cannot watch it without crying.  God will not forsake us.  He is aware of us and is proud of us for making progress in a life that sometimes seems too hard to handle. I also love the full talk this was taken from and encourage anyone who has an extra 20 minutes to listen to it.  It can be found HERE.



And now I am going to post one more video-- because it needs to be shared.  This song is amazing that this young girl's talent is unbelievable.  I have listened and cried to this song more times that I can count.  I think we all have times in our lives when we don't know where else to go and wonder if God actually hears our prayers.  Sometimes He doesn't answer right away and usually He answers in ways that are not the way we want or expect.  But I do believe He hears and answers. Someday I will sit down my children and tell them that there were times in my life when I struggled and wondered if God was real.  I will testify that He heard my prayers and if there is ever a time where they feel lost or afraid that God will be there for them too.

Robin Williams

It's so interesting that my last post (months ago) was about Mrs. Doubtfire.  Our family went through a huge Robin Williams kick the summer of his death.  The news of his suicide affected me deeply.  I have so much love for this man who I have never met.  I don't know him or his family or anything about his life.  But I truly love him.  I don't judge him for taking his own life.  I do NOT believe he will go to hell.  I believe in a loving God who is the only one who knows his situation and circumstances.  And I believe he is in a better place.  I feel deeply for those who knew him personally.  I can only imagine the kind of influence he had on them, when he was such a light and source of good for millions of strangers.  I hope they can find the peace to get through this heartbreaking experience.

If anything, his death has taught me to love deeper, to laugh more often, to play and connect with my children and family members and friends.  And to reach out to those who cross my path.  There are so many who suffer silently.  I want to be more help to them, but those who need the most help don't ask for it.  So that means, we have to treat everyone with care and understanding and empathy.  It's so important that we show love everyday to those we know and those we pass on the street because we need each other. So much more than we realize.

 One of my favorite movies of all time is "What Dreams May Come".  From the first moment I saw it, back in high school, it pierced me.  I love the colors, the depth, the raw emotion, and the powerful love that this family has for one another, specifically the relationship he has with his wife in the story. I haven't had the strength to watch it since his death, because I don't have enough tissues in my house.  But I plan to watch it soon with my children.  I have spent the past few weeks talking to them about depression, about suicide and that having money does NOT bring happiness, although sometimes we think it could solve any problem.  But mostly I've been talking to them about love and hope and laughter.  We need more of it in our lives.  and we need each other.

I believe Robin's spirit is alive and that he is still learning and growing.  I hope he understands the impact he had on millions of people.  I hope he knows that he brought laughter and happiness into my life.. and I am grateful to him for giving me opportunities to connect with my children through his movies and through the conversations we've had since his death.  Robin, I love you and I truly hope you are able to find rest and peace.

sisters

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