temples, families, motherhood and God

the past few years I've really struggled with my testimony.  There have been several serious conversations where I've asked my husband how he'd feel if I decided I didn't believe in God anymore.  I've wanted to take a break from church, praying, family scripture study, and anything else spiritual or cheesy.  I've also had times where I've wondered if my highly spiritual husband and I were compatible because I felt so far from where he was and didn't even know if I wanted to be the kind of wife he needed or wanted.  Because he's been 100% supportive and loving and understanding, I was able to take the time figure out what it is I believe and what is most important to me.

And over the past few months, I was able to find myself and my testimony.  I don't know how I buried it or lost it, but it was gone for a while..  and it feels so good to be back.  There was a series of events that led to my new found faith, but I would say that my sisters trip to St. George back in May was monumental for me-- particularly the conversations I had with my dad and my little sister Cindy.  Without going into too much detail, I will say that not only do I believe in God and know that He is real and knows us personally, but I believe in dark and evil forces.  I know that Satan is real and he knows me personally and I can tell you that he has truly been trying to keep me from understanding how important my role is as a wife and a mother.  I didn't realized it at the time because I actually never felt sad or discouraged.  In fact, I felt rather smart for asking questions and challenging my faith.  To me it seemed like the noble and right path to follow.  I felt empowered knowing that I could do what I wanted and I felt like a better person and a good mother trying to keep my kids from becoming brainwashed like I wondered if I had been.  But that is exactly what the Adversary wanted me to feel.  Had I felt sad or dark or unhappy, I would have prayed my way out of it or turned for ways to find more peace in my life.  Instead I became more and more distant from God.

Of course, I don't have everything figured out, but I after having gone through such a long period of questioning my beliefs and testimony, not only do I sympathize and understand what others are going through who leave their religion, but I feel that much more grateful to my husband for being willing and able to talk through some really tough conversations.  We never argued about it, never distanced ourselves from each other and I truly have so much more respect and love for the way he handled my questions.. because I am sure I wouldn't have been as patient or understanding had the roles been reversed.

Fast forward to today.  I woke up at 6 am (after only 3 hours of sleep) with so much love and excitement for my family and for the opportunity we had to attend church together.  We have been members of the Coronado Ward for 7.5 years now and although it's a completely different area than when we moved in, our love for the people is the same.  I absolutely love my ward family and will feel so sad to leave (yes, we are moving soon.)

So anyway, I woke up and recruited my early-bird partner in crime (Zack) to help me with breakfast.  Roma woke up too and the three of us cooked up an amazing breakfast before 8:30 church.  We had bacon and eggs and biscuits and hash browns on the table before the rest of the family woke up.  Getting six kids dressed in their Sunday best was easy and we pulled up to the church early so I could do a few things for my calling before sacrament meeting started.

I had both girls on my lap during the sacrament and Roma had such a good time feeding Eden her first piece of bread and small cup of water. My girls are my everything and I had to steal Aaron's phone to take a quick selfie. They remained on my lap during the first talk (which was about the blessings of the temple) and it was inspiring.  So inspiring that I needed to take notes and was somehow able to write down an entire page full of quotes and thoughts and bullet points.  By the time she finished, I was in tears, full of gratitude to be there with my sweet family.  I also felt empowered because my soul testified of the light and truth that was spoken.

today, around 9am.

me holding Roma,  Ro holding Eden. 

Eden wishing she was peacefully asleep in her carseat.

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The intermediate hymn was a choir made up of the Priesthood holders in our ward.. all of the boys and men 12 years and older.  Ben was already on the stand sitting next to the Bishop, so he found his place in the middle of the crowd, front and center.  Aaron was on the far side (in front of our family) and loving looked in my direction as tears streamed down my face.  It was such a powerful song.  The image of Ben standing in the middle of this incredible group of men will be forever etched in my memories.  He was at least a foot shorter than everyone around him.  He looked so young and yet so old at the same time.  I know that he will be growing leaps and bounds in the next few years, physically, spiritually and mentally.  I felt that my responsibility as his mother is no longer as important as it once was.  I did not feel sad or homesick for the days when he was younger.  I felt so excited for him and proud of the man that he has become.  As they sang the primary song "We'll Bring the World His Truth" (Army of Helaman) I pictured Ben and all of my boys as missionaries, heading out into the world, spreading light and truth to those who are looking for more peace in their lives.  I am so grateful for my sons.  How did I get so lucky to have four right in a row?  And that husband of mine could not have looked more handsome in his suit on the stage.  Being a mother and wife to my family has been more rewarding and fulfilling than I ever thought possible.  *If you haven't heard this song, here is a youtube video (our song today was only in one language..)  If I would have had my phone, I would have snapped a picture of my sweet Benjamin singing these words.

The final speaker was our incredible Primary President.  She has only been in the ward a short while but served as my visiting teacher during the times that I was struggling (and also serving as relief society president, imagine that.) This dear sweet sister is so inspired and probably has no idea how much she has blessed my life.  I truly love her and her family... and I need to tell her in person!  But she is so full of joy and happiness and spoke about how temples bless families (the primary theme this year is Families Are Forever.)  Her talk was simple and profound.  Tears continued to flow as I listened to her inspired words and thought about how much I love being a part of a family.  There is so much heartbreak going on with women in the LDS church and what their role is in our religion.  I completely and 100% understand where they are coming from because I am a strong woman and I want my voice to be heard.  I am all about empowering women and young girls and I do know there needs to be more equality in religions and in the world for women.  I get it.  But I also believe that the most powerful thing we can EVER do as women is be a righteous example in the home.  There is nothing more important than making a home a comfortable place to live.  Yes, I am talking about doing the dirty work that can seem so degrading at times-  the cleaning, cooking, washing laundry, tending to sick children, putting on band-aids, supporting and serving your husband.  There is no man that can make a house a home like a loving wife can, no matter how hard he tried.  And there is no woman that could provide and protect and preside like a good husband.  Our roles are very different and very important.  Is it fair or equal?  Probably not, but it wasn't meant to be.  And I know we are empowered as we realize our sacred roles in the home and in the world.  There are many days where I wish I could be making a difference in the work force, or in the decision-making positions in the church, but I know that I was blessed with a unique ability to care, prepare to serve and to teach my children.  As wonderful as my husband is, he can't nurture my children like I can.  It's taken me a long time to understand my role in the home and I am sure I have many more lessons ahead of me, but today I felt grateful for the opportunity to stay at home with my children and to serve my family day in and day out.  It's completely exhausting, everyday.  But it's so rewarding.  and the most important thing I will ever do.

Our Primary President bore her testimony of the importance of families and read the lyrics to this new song the children are learning.  I absolutely love this song.  It may sound like it was written by June Cleaver, but it speaks truth to my "woman-power" soul.

I posted the following video on my facebook page a few months ago, during a time when I wasn't sure if I had even a twig of faith in God, the scriptures, the church.  I wasn't sure about anything really and kept telling myself that I was meant for something different, something bigger.  But I did as it encourages... to act on the tiniest twig of faith... I protected it and used it to whatever extent I could and I prayed to feel some kind of direction or peace.  And I can testify that I felt an immediate difference.  I know God was just waiting for me to get on my knees and pray sincerely and desperately.  I love this short clip for many reasons and still cannot watch it without crying.  God will not forsake us.  He is aware of us and is proud of us for making progress in a life that sometimes seems too hard to handle. I also love the full talk this was taken from and encourage anyone who has an extra 20 minutes to listen to it.  It can be found HERE.



And now I am going to post one more video-- because it needs to be shared.  This song is amazing that this young girl's talent is unbelievable.  I have listened and cried to this song more times that I can count.  I think we all have times in our lives when we don't know where else to go and wonder if God actually hears our prayers.  Sometimes He doesn't answer right away and usually He answers in ways that are not the way we want or expect.  But I do believe He hears and answers. Someday I will sit down my children and tell them that there were times in my life when I struggled and wondered if God was real.  I will testify that He heard my prayers and if there is ever a time where they feel lost or afraid that God will be there for them too.