therapy and climbing

I slept this morning from about 6-9am.  I woke up feeling good and kind of forgot about the fact that I posted a looong rant on my blog a few hours earlier.  Sometimes I wonder what my voice sounds like on the other end... because it feels so good to write, the words just come off the ends of my fingertips, but I wonder if it sounds like I am having a personal breakdown or something.

The thing I realized when I woke up is that blogging/journaling/writing is my therapy.  When life is good, there will be lots of my thoughts to show it.  When I don't post often, I am having some inner turmoil of some kind.  I don't feel the turmoil when I write, it's a release.  It leaves my mind and I figure out my answers by the end of the post (or I am closer to the answers from when I started.)  It's such a healing thing, expressing my thoughts.  I am never really looking to change my reader or persuade them to think or feel a certain way.  I am changing myself through the process.

My best friend Jane and I have therapy sessions through skype.  We don't have them as often as we should but both of us are qualified to give therapy to the other because each of us know how to listen and how to uplift and how to inspire.  We don't solve each other's problems.  We just allow the other to talk it through and figure out their own answers while talking.  It's amazing.  We used to give that to each other in person on a daily basis and now we have resorted to skype because just talking on the phone isn't enough.  I have a feeling that she gets her therapy through writing too..  I need to tell her to start blogging more and feeling less :)  jk.  the feelings come, but when they are put into actual words, they leave my head.  come what may, the thoughts are out in the universe.

I want to become a real therapist when I grow up.  Writing that out looks hilarious because I am basically in the middle of a mid-life crisis.  Not a scary one, just one that shakes up your regular routine and makes you put the pieces back together one by one.  Right now my pieces to life are scattered and all I am clinging onto are 1) my inner compass 2) my family 3) my faith.  It feels safe to leave everything by the wayside until these three things lead me to a place where I can pick up the pieces.

No matter what we go through, especially the difficult times will give us perspective in another area in our life.  Maybe it will take us years to climb the mountain and see the view, but eventually we will see it and appreciate it for the beauty it brings into our lives.  I am climbing right now.  It feels steep and exhausting at times and I can only see where to place my feet right now, I don't see anything ahead.  And I am not on a clear path.  I am free climbing up the back of a mountain.  But I really am enjoying the climb, for the most part.  I realize that it is stretching me and making me stronger.  I know that any adversity or tough experience will make my kids stronger too.  I've watched them flourish as we've uprooted them and moved them from my parents to my sisters basement.  New ward, new friends, new sleeping arrangements.  Very little toys or clothes, no other personal belongings.  This could be tragic for some teenagers, but my kids are also enjoying the climb and learning to work as a team and support one another through our adjustments.  I've leaned a lot on my husband over the past year, but for the most part, I've done all of my own climbing alone.  He has his own path to climb and as we fulfill our own separate roles, we will be at the top for each other, enjoying the view and feeling grateful we had each other to lean on, but feeling proud we made the climb alone.

I'm signing off to go to chemo with my best friend and mountain climber Francine.  She is a warrior climber if I've ever met one.  She's scaled some doozies in her young life and I can't wait to hear about the view she sees on life.  I feel her power when I am around her and I am inspired to be a better version of myself just by watching her climb.  Someday I am going to share with you why she's my hero.