not this cute anymore!
Let me start by saying that I love my religion. Being a Mormon is cool. I fully embrace it's teachings. But every time I see a good movie about a Catholic confession, I feel like I've missed out on something exciting and want to convert. There's something romantic and dramatic about getting into a little booth where you confess your sins to a mysterious priest behind a screen.
I think I fantasize about going to confession because I am POSITIVE the day I go, the priest will actually be Zorro. And -in his sexy Spanish accent- he will tell me that all my sins are forgiven. Of course, this will also be the day that I look exactly like Catherine Zeta-Jones.
This morning, I woke up with a strong desire to repent.. so I called my husband. After hearing what I did, he laughed (and didn't really give me any advice) so here I am-- confessing my sins to the World Wide Blogosphere.
Last night was Girls Night and it was F-U-N. We ate lots of sugar, played games, and laughed hard. Around 2 am, I called it quits-- not because I wanted to go home and sleep, but because I HAD to go grocery shopping. I knew that if I didn't get a few necessities, then I would have several unhappy males in my home in the morning. And you know I would much rather be sleeping in than hearing little boys (and one husband) cry about not having any milk for their cereal.
So I went. I am very grateful for 24 hour grocery stores, but I am REALLY unhappy about their customer service at 2 am. Not because anyone was particularly rude to me but because there wasn't A SINGLE employee in the store. NOT A ONE. I didn't realize this was a problem until I went to check out. I guess with the new "self-checkout" craze, grocery store employees don't find it necessary to SHOW UP for their shifts. And you know, I really don't have a problem with shopping for my groceries, ringing them up and bagging them---because apparently I should be thanking my lucky stars that they haven't asked me to stock the shelves or mop up on aisle 4.
Honestly though, I wasn't complaining.. I was happy to be at the store w/o kids and would have been content if the SELF CHECK OUT MACHINE actually WORKED!! How hard it is to ring up a gallon of milk and put it in your cart? I don't even want a bag, people!! But frustration took on a whole new meaning when I went to ring in the produce--- (I HATE searching through their system to find the code for the tomatoes!!!!)
All my problems started when I tried to purchase a cantaloupe. I couldn't resist throwing one in my cart when I saw the big yellow sale sign that said "CANTALOUPE: 4 pounds for a dollar" But when I went to ring it up, the computer thought the price was $4 a pound. And I just don't think any melon is worth $6.78. I am pretty sure I could have a huge tray of already-cut-up melon for that price, so why buy one where I have to do all the work??
Anyway, during my melon issues, I looked around to see if there was ANYONE who could: #1) tell the computer that it was RIPPING ME OFF or #2) take the cantaloupe and shove it where the sun doesn't shine. But there was NO one.. so I pushed a few buttons and tried to remove the melon from the order.. it told me to put it on the scale and when I removed it from the bag, the computer started freaking out. "Place the ITEM in the bag! PLEASE SEE AN ASSISTANT for help! PLEASE SEE AN ASSISTANT!"
I was not about to let some dumb machine treat me with such disrespect so I started yelling back, "It's 2 in the morning and there isn't an assistant in sight! I CANNOT SEE AN ASSISTANT!" But it wasn't listening. I touched every button on the screen and even went to the Assistant's screen and tried a few passwords (without any success) and decided to finish and pay for what I had. I didn't ring up a single item of produce (except for my million dollar melon, of course.) But here is where I sinned. Instead of putting back the strawberries, bananas and broccoli that I didn't pay for, I bagged them and walked out the door.. It was THEN I knew I HAD WON THE BATTLE. "Take THAT computer," *as I was karate chopping out the door with my groceries*
I know, I am a sinner. Not only did I steal some produce, but I don't feel an ounce of guilt. I will NOT return to the store and pay for them because deep down, I know I earned those strawberries! So, my question is: Do I need to repent for stealing, not feeling bad about it or gloating in my victory?
I think I fantasize about going to confession because I am POSITIVE the day I go, the priest will actually be Zorro. And -in his sexy Spanish accent- he will tell me that all my sins are forgiven. Of course, this will also be the day that I look exactly like Catherine Zeta-Jones.
This morning, I woke up with a strong desire to repent.. so I called my husband. After hearing what I did, he laughed (and didn't really give me any advice) so here I am-- confessing my sins to the World Wide Blogosphere.
Last night was Girls Night and it was F-U-N. We ate lots of sugar, played games, and laughed hard. Around 2 am, I called it quits-- not because I wanted to go home and sleep, but because I HAD to go grocery shopping. I knew that if I didn't get a few necessities, then I would have several unhappy males in my home in the morning. And you know I would much rather be sleeping in than hearing little boys (and one husband) cry about not having any milk for their cereal.
So I went. I am very grateful for 24 hour grocery stores, but I am REALLY unhappy about their customer service at 2 am. Not because anyone was particularly rude to me but because there wasn't A SINGLE employee in the store. NOT A ONE. I didn't realize this was a problem until I went to check out. I guess with the new "self-checkout" craze, grocery store employees don't find it necessary to SHOW UP for their shifts. And you know, I really don't have a problem with shopping for my groceries, ringing them up and bagging them---because apparently I should be thanking my lucky stars that they haven't asked me to stock the shelves or mop up on aisle 4.
Honestly though, I wasn't complaining.. I was happy to be at the store w/o kids and would have been content if the SELF CHECK OUT MACHINE actually WORKED!! How hard it is to ring up a gallon of milk and put it in your cart? I don't even want a bag, people!! But frustration took on a whole new meaning when I went to ring in the produce--- (I HATE searching through their system to find the code for the tomatoes!!!!)
All my problems started when I tried to purchase a cantaloupe. I couldn't resist throwing one in my cart when I saw the big yellow sale sign that said "CANTALOUPE: 4 pounds for a dollar" But when I went to ring it up, the computer thought the price was $4 a pound. And I just don't think any melon is worth $6.78. I am pretty sure I could have a huge tray of already-cut-up melon for that price, so why buy one where I have to do all the work??
Anyway, during my melon issues, I looked around to see if there was ANYONE who could: #1) tell the computer that it was RIPPING ME OFF or #2) take the cantaloupe and shove it where the sun doesn't shine. But there was NO one.. so I pushed a few buttons and tried to remove the melon from the order.. it told me to put it on the scale and when I removed it from the bag, the computer started freaking out. "Place the ITEM in the bag! PLEASE SEE AN ASSISTANT for help! PLEASE SEE AN ASSISTANT!"
I was not about to let some dumb machine treat me with such disrespect so I started yelling back, "It's 2 in the morning and there isn't an assistant in sight! I CANNOT SEE AN ASSISTANT!" But it wasn't listening. I touched every button on the screen and even went to the Assistant's screen and tried a few passwords (without any success) and decided to finish and pay for what I had. I didn't ring up a single item of produce (except for my million dollar melon, of course.) But here is where I sinned. Instead of putting back the strawberries, bananas and broccoli that I didn't pay for, I bagged them and walked out the door.. It was THEN I knew I HAD WON THE BATTLE. "Take THAT computer," *as I was karate chopping out the door with my groceries*
I know, I am a sinner. Not only did I steal some produce, but I don't feel an ounce of guilt. I will NOT return to the store and pay for them because deep down, I know I earned those strawberries! So, my question is: Do I need to repent for stealing, not feeling bad about it or gloating in my victory?
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37 comments:
I am so flustered I am not sure what to comment on first...I totally can picture this, and just the picture in my head makes me laugh...
i'm pretty sure i'll see you in hell.
As a life long Catholic I can tell you the Priest would say: Say 10 Our Fathers, Go back and pay for the stuff you stole as you know it is against the commandments and go in peace my child.
I would then say "Amen" and "Peace be with you", stick out my tongue and feel absolutely at peace with not going back and paying for the stuff I stole. Then the priest would be outside the confessional giving me a high five for sticking it to the computer, he's cool like that. So goes Catholic guilt.
I think you are asking the wrong people. We're all sinners like you. =) It's the Holy Ghost who will tell you all things which ye should do...
SO FLIPPING FUNNY! I am seriously laughing my head off because I can TOTALLY picture you walking off and smiling about it.
As far as repenting goes, I am pretty sure you need to do all of the above. But I usually let time heal. Meaning, I wait so long that I forget about it.........
Just tell me it wasn't a Safeway!! By the way, there really should have been 2 employees in the store (for safety reasons, at least that is how we do it in our district). Maybe they were hiding... Sorry about the experience!! Sam
It wasn't Safeway.. phew!
Those "two employees" were probably smoking weed in the break room...
every time I see Antonio now, I picture a cat with a hairball and it turns me off.
I love you that you wrote this. hysterical. I don't know how you stayed up until the wee hours of the morning and then wrote this up so effortlessly (with three kids at your heels)
You're my hero, even if you do steal.
Erin
So funny. I don't know how similar this is - but I take back shirt sizes that don't fit and just exchange them on the rack...I don't feel like I need to go through customer service to do a simple swap. Is that wrong? We're all wondering if you'll be at Gma June's little birthday reunion? I hope to see you there.
so many times i have come home from the grocery store and found that the bagger didn't put one of my bags in my cart even though my receipt shows that i paid for it... I'm sure it will all even out in the end.
So funny. I hate those dang computers when no one is around to push the override buttons. I say, victory is yours!
I HATE the self-checkout lanes. If I wanted to play cashier, I'd go home and use my plastic shopping cart and pertend cash register. I think it's the store's fault for having no one around to help you, and the manager would probably agree with you if you went back to pay for it, so just call it even. Or do it again and blog about it because that is some FU-HUNNY stuff.
Janet,
I'm neurotically honest, and usually haul both kids back to the grocery store to tell the manager, he overpaid me by like, a penny, to which he smiles condescendingly and thanks me for my honesty and says I really don't have to worry about it.
But once I inadvertently shop-lifted. I was shopping for something and walked by the lingerie at Sears. It was almost Valentine's Day, so I thought I'd try something on. I put on a two piece outfit over my garments. Audrey was a toddler and running around the dressing room, so I quickly changed and left. After that, everytime I went to the bathroom, I noticed a rustling sound when i raised or lowered my pants. I finally realized, I was still wearing the little shorts part of the lingerie set!! I about died, and even considered playing a practical joke on Graton. (a "jail" call) I ended up returning it a few weeks later and even explaining the story to the cashier, who either has a great poker face, or hears this kinda thing all the time.
This happened to me once at the movies and noone was there for me to pay for my popcorn, and it never tasted so good.
ha ha, love the comment about zorro, that is too funny! you always make me smile at the beginning of the day, thanks for that.
Seriously, awesome!
I came from Rocks In My Dryer and have been addicted for a week.. I think I've read every post you've written and can't get enough! You are hilarious and very REAL. And somehow through your almost perfectness, you inspire me to be better. I am definitely a fan and will be back as long as you don't go private on me!
Thanks for the entertainment (and I am really mad at you for making me want to sit at the computer for 5+ hours..)
sincerely,
Adrianna
from New York
ps. i am an experienced blog reader and yours is one of the BEST. Soon you will be rich and famous and we will all say "I started reading when she only had 20 comments on each post!"
Your attorney husband should have criminal law still fresh in his brain from the bar. He will be able to tell you whether you committed a crime or not. If you want my humble (former prosecutor) opinion, just let me know.
Joe, Thanks for the laugh.
My husband KNOWS BETTER than to offer me any type of legal advice!
LOL- in the course of studying my husband taught me community property- he really regrets doing that now!
My husband also KNOWS BETTER than to teach me anything about community property.. because in a few years, he'd be in BIG trouble. (when we're filthy rich- of course :)
I'm KIDDING for all of you who think I only care about money, money, money, MONEY!
You post too fast for me to comment on everything (I DO have a life, you know!), but I try to read it all. I love you, Janet, you and your shoplifting self will always be one of my besties. Thanks for the very vivid story! I bet you'll end up paying for it one way or another. :)
First of all, I have comment envy. I have never seen less than 22 comments on your post. I don't think I have 22 comments on my entire blog put together. And second of all, I am totally telling the Bishop on you. Sometimes I wish I could do that. Once I had checked out, loaded Ethan in the car, had all sorts of cold items and I found a $.99 angel food cake that hadn't been rung up. But I couldn't just think, oh it's fine it's only $.99. I had to unload Ethan let my cold items get melty and go wait in line to pay for it. Even the cashier looked at me like I was an idiot for worrying about it. I'm so lame.
That was hilarious. I love how you write these stories. i wonder how many other people came into that store that night and what they took off with...hmmm
do you think the amount you paid for your cantalope covered the cost of your other produce?
You are hilarious! This is the first time I've seen your blog (Stephanie told me about it and warned me that I have to comment) but I'll be back. This was so funny!
And I know how you feel about people coming and not commenting. I have huge beef about that on my blog, too. Be polite people! I feel like I'm talking to myself when you don't comment.
You're awesome!
Cassandra
From Las Vegas
I think many of us would do the same thing. I'm excited you are coming! Call me while you are here 928-536-2015. We will get together!
We've all had similar moments of justification. Mine have never been that severe.....but....
You are so entertaining! I want to come live with your family. Can I?
I couldn't stop laughing and I HAD to share it with Bill!
I'm actually printing up your ticket to hell as we speak. Do you want a window seat or an aisle? Also--this is a one way ticket, so make sure to say all your goodbyes before you take off.
Thanks for the story! I was laughing so hard and Ben (my 3 year old) kept asking "What's so funny?" Just no way to explain it to a 3 year old. By the way, I read your blog for a long time before I ever commented because I felt weird commenting when we don't know each other very well. I was enjoying all your funny and thought provoking posts, but didn't want to say anything (I was kind of thinking, "why would Janet really care what I think about this?") But I was finally inspired when I saw a post from a girl in Jersey who had no idea who you were, but just happened upon your blog and she left a very nice comment. I thought, "WELL I guess I better comment now." So speaking as a former NON-COMMENTER, I can tell you that people are probably like me. They want to selfishly read your blog, because it is VERY entertaining - but they don't think they have anything to add. (At least I HOPE that is the case. You never know - there might be a few CRAZIES out there are well!)
Seriously Janet, your life has got to be one of the funniest around. I could not stop laughing, in fact, I'm still wiping away the tears from laughing so hard. I'm pretty sure some things will be forgiven, but I don't about this one! hahaha Thanks for sharing, this was hilarious.
I have to say that I am jealous that it takes me just as long to read all the comments on your blog as it actually takes to read the blog itself! I know I come and read and rarely leave a comment, but then go and tell my husband how funny it was and he comes and reads it on his own time....so you're totally getting double the hits, just from our household alone. You're hilarious and we make sure to read every day! Thanks for the funny stories that brighten our days!
That was even funnier than the jewish monk. It's just so healthy to laugh that much, I feel great!
I couldn't stop laughing at that story! I would have done the same thing, and I probably would have tried to leave a real stinky fart in the store before I left. Oh man, now I'm laughing uncontrollably. I'm so groce! If I need a good laugh later this week I'm just going to picture you walking out of a grocery store doing Kung Fu while juggling a big old cantaloupe.
Now that you are in AZ... I can finally catch up. Don't feel guilty... Jason does it all the time, ha! No, but he does lose his patience quickly and has done it before.
Janet, it's me, Melissa (Limb) now Eichelberger from WJ. So, I have been spying on your blog for some time now through Karlin's. And today I thought I'd confess too. So there you go.
I can't read everything (how do you have all that time to journal on your posts? Must be all those 2am nights...) but I love to look now and then. Anyway, back to the subject, this was really funny and I just had to tell you so. I get soooooooo mad at those self-checkouts. Sometimes I have to hold my tongue (for my kids' sake and the stores) when I have trouble with them (and the dumb employees who can NEVER fix them either.
YOU are officially the person who gets the most comments on her blog too, by the way.
Cute family!
Melissa
Terribly funny. I've also dreamed about being Catholic at times. It just seems so much easier. And you only have to go to church twice a year! W00t!
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