What's the rush?

"IN HUMAN AFFAIRS OF DANGER AND DELICACY SUCCESSFUL CONCLUSION IS SHARPLY LIMITED BY HURRY. So often men trip by being in a rush. If one were properly to perform a difficult and subtle act, he should first inspect the end to be achieved and then, once he had accepted the end as desirable, he should forget it completely and concentrate solely on the means. By this method he would not be moved to false action by anxiety or hurry or fear. Very few people learn this."

This is the opening paragraph of chapter 21 in John Steinbeck's East of Eden. I read this passage about a week ago and have gone back to it many times trying to grasp exactly what it means to me. I still haven't come to a conclusion, but I do believe it's the backbone of what I have been trying to work on the past several months: live in the present moment. stop the rush. be here now.

Whether or not this makes any sense to you, I believe I have learned so much since last January when I was struggling with making new years resolutions. I was so frustrated by looking to the future and trying to accomplish some arbitrary list of goals. All I wanted was peace and contentment and acceptance with myself and the current situation I was living.

Although I know I have a long way to go to achieve this state of "living in the now" I know that my busy life 12 months ago has changed dramatically. Yes, I still have a lot on my plate, but I feel as though I have been able to push some sort of slow motion button on my life. My decisions are more precise. I am more in control of my emotions, my reactions, my choices. When you worry about the future (which is really the unknown) you give up your right to accept the present moment- the now. If we aren't focused on the situation at present, we will never be able to learn the lesson intended for us at THIS time.

I am not going to write a novel or list a bunch of 5 AM Deep Thoughts by Janet, but I do want to say that focusing on the lessons that life is currently teaching me (right now.. 9 months pregnant) has brought me so much contentment and peace. At the beginning of 2009, I believe I came to accept the fact that we may never have another baby. When I did this, my world opened up and I was able to see how richly blessed I was with the children (and life) that I had. It was no sooner that I realized I was pregnant, this time for good.

My pregnancy has been different in many respects than what I have experienced before. It's hasn't necessarily been easy or gone by quickly, but there has been an underlying feeling of gratitude and acceptance for my current state... even and maybe especially the stages that were trying and uncomfortable [NOW] -- because I've realized this is when I am learning and growing the most.

Now that we're here at the end (not only of the pregnancy but the year itself) I am literally filled to the brim with gratitude and appreciation for what I have experienced thus far. I do not feel the need to rush or hurry to get to the next stage because I know it WILL come. And when it does, I won't ever get THIS time back... what a wonderful and exhausting time it is!

BE HERE NOW by Mason Jennings has been (and still is) my theme song for the year...

* I finished East of Eden this week. It had me captivated and keeps me up late at night thinking deep thoughts. With that said, I am not sure I could ever read it again. It was beautifully written, no doubt about that... but the characters were almost too disturbing for me. I don't know, I'm still letting it sink in.