changed for the better

My baby had a nightmare last night. I can't be sure about it, because he doesn't say much, but he's never screamed like that before, especially at 3 am. I quickly jumped out of bed and ran into his room. He was immediately calm when he saw me & collapsed on my shoulder while I rocked him back to sleep. After ten minutes or so, I tried to put him back in his crib, but he wasn't having it. My feet were cold and I wanted to crawl back under my own covers, so I did what I never do... I brought him back to bed with me.

I've always been really picky about who I let in my bed. But last night was something special. Simon didn't want to lay next to me, he wanted to be right on top. He smothered his face into my neck and started snoring. I could feel his dandelion hair move each time I let out a breath. He was 28 lbs of dead weight-- his arms and legs wrapped tightly around my body. I was extremely tired, but I was afraid to fall asleep because I just couldn't let this pass me by. It felt too good.

As I laid there, my thoughts went back to one of the lowest times in my life. August 2008. We were waiting to close on our house, but got kicked out of our rental... which made us homeless. Two days before we moved, I miscarried. It was my third miscarriage in 12 months. My body was so confused, my hormones all over the place. I was trying to be grateful for what I had, but I felt empty inside. I couldn't talk to my husband about it and the last thing I wanted to do was announce it my friends and family because I didn't even know what I was going through myself. It was hard to put into words. I wanted another baby, but didn't want to continue getting pregnant only to miscarry again. I felt distant, hollow, alone.

Aaron was working while the boys and I stayed in a hotel and for some reason being away from "normal" life was a blessing. I didn't have to have real conversations, I didn't have to pretend like everything was okay when it wasn't. One week after the miscarriage, we traveled to California to stay with Aaron's brother and his wife. Moments after we arrived, they announced they were expecting their first baby. I was absolutely thrilled for them, but didn't know how to respond or what to say. I was afraid to show any emotion because if I allowed myself to FEEL, I was sure I would shatter into a million pieces.

We packed a lunch and headed to the beach. Everyone built a sandcastle while I laid a distance away, trying to survive. The beach doesn't seem like the best place to deal with the aftermath of a miscarriage, but it was exactly where I needed to be that day. I laid there quiet and listened to my breath, in and out, in and out. I felt as though 28 pounds of bricks were on my chest, but it felt good to be breathing. In the distance my children were laughing. My husband was throwing a frisbee with his brother and all was right in the world. It was the beginning of the healing process for me.

That night I told Aaron we needed to go out, just the two of us. He was hesitant because I was cramping regularly and needed to use the bathroom often. But I insisted. I need to do something, go some place where I could be free. His brother and sweet wife watched our boys and we went to see the Broadway musical WICKED. It was wickedly awesome and exactly what I needed... I sobbed through the entire show. My poor husband wasn't sure what to do with me and kept asking if I wanted to go home. But I couldn't miss a minute of it. It felt too good.

I look back to this picture and only feel love for that poor husband who didn't know what to say to his lost wife. I felt weak and small and I was absolutely terrified that I wouldn't be able to recover. I didn't realize how much strength I had inside of me. All I wanted was to turn back into the girl I used to be, but what I realized that night is that I had changed for good. This experience molded me into someone better-- a stronger, more courageous version of myself. I became grateful for the big things and not so worried about what I didn't have control over. I think this experience allowed me to see things for what they are. It allowed me to accept the fact that I didn't need anything more than what I already had.

Life throws curve balls, but we have to keep swinging. It's the difficult times that make us stronger and more grateful and eventually... better. Sometimes it takes a really trying experience for us to realize how GOOD we have it. Sometimes it takes a baby waking up in the middle of the night for me to realize how blessed I am.