fully invested

it's been raining here quite a bit... which is unusual for these parts. You can't help but love a cold downpour after months of 100 degree weather. This morning, I could feel the storm coming, so I made sure the dog was inside. Poor Sunny got wet on Saturday during the rain storm and I wouldn't let her come in the house ALL.DAY. A big dog in the house is bad enough. A wet big dog is a no go. So, anyway, I made her come in, but as soon as Simon opened the back door to see the big raindrops, Sunny ran out. She was out there for all of ten seconds before she realized how hard it was raining and then she wanted back in. Sorry, Dog. You chose to be outside and you're staying there until you dry off. My floors are clean and they are staying that way.

Lately I've been wondering if I am fully invested in decisions I make. I am such a free spirit that if something sounds fun or new, I want to try it. But often I take bites bigger than I can chew. Take having another baby, for example. I want a big family. But my hands are full these days and I stress about adding another one to the mix. Simon is such a crazy toddler and something tells me having babies less than two years apart is not a good idea. I had a scare on Sunday and thought our little girl was coming. I left church early because I wasn't feeling well. I took a nap and woke up to strong contractions. They continued through the day.. about 4 minutes apart. Around midnight, I thought it was the real deal. I paced around for a couple of hours timing them and waiting for them to get unbearable, but around 3:30 am, they finally stopped. I was so relieved. I don't want to have a small baby... and I am not ready for her to come yet. Still so much to do in the next couple of weeks. I am sure I will love her to pieces when she arrives, but right now, I am just not sure I am fully invested.

And then there's school. It's a great school for Ben and Luke. Don't get me wrong. There are a lot of wonderful things about being scheduled, teaching your kids responsibility, letting them discover the world on their own, etc, etc. But I am really missing what we used to have. Like today, for instance. A rainy, thunderstormy day is the best kind of day to stay in bed and in your pj's and read, read, read. We are in the middle of The Magician's Nephew by C.S. Lewis. I would so prefer reading that aloud to my kids today rather than sending them somewhere else. When Luke asked to stay home, I almost said yes. And when I dropped them off, I felt a little sick to my stomach. They are going to have a good day, I am sure, but it could have been a great one at home.

Last Saturday I cried for the first time since we sent them to school. So weird for me to cry about it on a Saturday, but I did. And I cried a lot. Ben, my lover of books, woke up and said, "I am so glad I DON'T have to read today." His teacher has been requiring them to read M-F for 20 minutes a day and then write a couple of sentences to summarize what they read. This is a cinch for both of my kids, but especially for Ben. He's the one who often wakes up at 5 am to read until the rest of us roll out of bed. He's fully invested in Harry Potter and has sped through thousands of pages. But since school has started he ONLY reads 20 minutes a day... and on Saturday he was glad he didn't "have" to read, which made me so sad. We had a great day as a family, but ended up doing homework on Saturday night to avoid doing it on Sunday... Ben and Luke both wrote reports. Ben's was about how much he loved serving as a waiter at Aunt Cindy's wedding. Luke wrote about winning "most colorful car" at the Pinewood Derby. Both great subjects, right? I think so. However, they had already written an outline and rough draft and now needed to spit out the same thing for the third time.... which made it not fun anymore. I know they are learning valuable editing skills, but I want my kids to LOVE to write. Writing can be exciting and creative and stimulating. But when it becomes a task, something that someone else is making you do, it's not fun anymore. And that kills me. I am watching their love of learning fade before my eyes. Yes, I am being dramatic, but it brought me to tears on Saturday night when we decided not to go miniature golfing as a family and finish the reports instead. My family time is so precious... and it's being taken away from me. Yes, we will figure out a routine soon. Homework isn't going to be the death of us, I would just rather do it at 10 am then right before dinner (or instead of miniature golfing.) I know 98% of you don't understand where I am coming from, but I would go back to homeschooling in a heartbeat if I could. Only, I am committed to finishing out this school year. I stepped outside, got wet and there's no going back inside. Darn it.

Zack and Simon are doing fabulous at home. I love their crazy personalities and excitement for life and learning. They are great little buddies. Unfortunately, their creativity and passion gets them in trouble at times. (They are both big mess makers.) but I am so happy they get this year to be together. They are like two peas in a pod. Simon is growing up so quickly and talks nonstop. When ever I ask him to do something (or not do something) he responds with a quick, "Okay, mom." or sometimes just an "Okay." It's so nonchalant that when he says it, he reminds me a of teenager. One of his favorite things to do is pick up a book and "read" it. Sometimes he's reading it upside-down, but that won't stop him from explaining what's happening on the pages. He has become quite the jibber-jabberer. Zack seriously makes me laugh every day. I have been so bad at recording all that he says, but I posted this on Facebook with my phone this morning. After taking the kids to school, Zack found some loose change in the back seat. Without any expression on his face, he handed it over to me and said, "Here, Mom. I'd like to buy a vowel." We haven't watched Wheel of Fortune in ages, but he's been pulling mysterious comments out of his hat since the day he was born. He's doing really well with his Kindergarten material at home and does his "homework" with the older boys... which is all fun.... because his teacher is super radical.

Aaron is busy at work but continues to be my superhero of a husband. He does all the grocery shopping, makes dinner a few times a week, changes poopy diapers, serves faithfully in his calling, wakes us up for scriptures in the morning, plays sports as often as he can, sings Christmas songs in the shower, and loves me despite my unstable, emotional state. Last night I told him I wasn't myself lately. He laughed good and hard and said, "That's the understatement of the year." Maybe that would make some women feel bad, but it made me feel so much better knowing that he recognizes I am different too. If I had to feel like this all my life, I wouldn't want to live very long. Sounds depressing, right? Well, I am just not feeling like myself lately.

so, four more weeks to go. I really want to have her in October. We still don't have a name, but that doesn't stress me out too much. I just can't be fully invested in one until she's born and I look at her face. I can't wait to see what she looks like!