dear blog..

Dear blog,

I miss you. I miss writing my abstract thoughts and sending them out into the universe. I've had so many thoughts lately. I've been thinking about my life. about the choices I've made. about the little people that surround me daily and how they will soon grow up and enter the world and make their own choices. They are all adults trapped in little bodies. My two year old knows EXACTLY what he wants. Sometimes he's not sure how to express it, but he knows. He and I have long conversations about what he shouldn't do, even though he knows he's bigger than he looks. While he was sick, we allowed him to come in our room to sleep, and when his ears were really hurting, he worked his way up to our bed. But he's getting better and the other day I was explaining to him that he can't get in our bed anymore at night. He looked at me so determined and said, "Ya. I gotta do that. I do." He knows what he wants and his good looks will get him far in life. He is an amazing person, my two year old. I have such admiration for him.

And my beautiful baby is a full grown woman. She's only 17 pounds right now, but she's determined and bright and stubborn. She needs me to carry her around everywhere I go and insists that she faces outwards so she can take part in the action. She doesn't want to miss anything, ever. She's got a mind of her own, and I hope I stay on her good side because she's a fighter, and I am slightly afraid of her. I can't wait-- not to see who she becomes-- but to see who she already is. And to see what she does with the power that she was born with. I consider her one of my dearest friends.

Watching my three older boys practice for their school play made me so proud. Not of the way they memorized their lines, but of their ability to adapt. And to be vulnerable in front of their classmates. Luke wore a baby's bonnet, a purple bib (that's all we had) and sucked on a pacifier. Ben was willing to be whatever made it easiest for the production. He coached Zack through his lines and told him how awesome it would be to say "Poo" in the microphone. He knew exactly what Zack would and wouldn't do. Wearing a dress and a woman's wig was a minor price to pay for saying "Poo" in front of a large crowd. I love them for so many reasons, but this past weekend I loved them because they are well-adjusted and comfortable in their own skin... They have such adorable, grown-up, handsome faces.

Aaron and I have grown a lot these past few months. We always go through an adjustment period after welcoming a new baby into the family. I think most of that has to do with the fact that I don't get much sleep. Unfortunately he gets the short end of the stick. He is very patient and kind. On Saturday (before the school play) I thought I was going to lose it. The house was a mess and I needed a nap so very badly, but there was no time to rest. Aaron forced me to lay down. He gave me a foot rub and assured me that everything was going to be alright. (I wasn't worried about the play, I was worried about my life :) He told me that I was not allowed to get out of bed for at least 20 minutes. I slept 4 solid hours. When I awoke, my house was spotless. Laundry was folded and put away. The kids were happy and fed. My heart was so grateful. He is not a perfect husband. But he always seems to make the right move when the going gets tough. I adore him for putting up with me day in and day out.

The missionaries came over for dinner tonight. We talked and talked and talked with them. I don't really recall most of what was said because I was looking at their faces and trying to picture them as little boys. It wasn't that long ago their mothers were telling them to wash their hands before coming to the dinnertable. And here they were, washing their hands before sitting at mine, so far away from their own homes and mothers. Soon enough my boys are going to be eating dinner in a home far away from mine. I hope they clear their plates and say thank you for the delicious meal just like the Elders did tonight.

They gave us a spiritual message before they left. Unfortunately, one of the Elders walked in on me nursing the baby in the other room. I didn't know he was going to enter and he definitely didn't expect to find me exposed. It wasn't funny, but I laughed about it... just seconds after it happened, and I am still laughing about it now. If you don't laugh about that kind of stuff, what do you do? Write his mother and apologize? No thank you. He grabbed his scriptures in the other room and then the baby and I buttoned up and joined the family on the rug. They gave a beautiful, heartfelt message about making your home into a sanctuary, where you can feel God's love everyday. I thought it was so meaningful and sweet. I do feel love in my home every. single. day.

Dear blog, I wish I could write more often, but now is just not the right time in my life. One day I hope to catch up with all the good (and hard) things that are happening.

Thanks for being there for me whenever I have a spare minute.

Love always,

J