the Gift of Fear

“You have the gift of a brilliant internal guardian that stands ready to warn you of hazards and guide you through risky situations.”

― Gavin de Becker, The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence

Just before noon I was watering a big pot on my front porch. The baby was sitting in her bumbo seat just a few inches away from me and the two younger boys were playing in the garage/front yard. It was a beautiful sunny day and I had absolutely nothing to worry about. But while I was outside, I had the most terrifying feeling come over me. I literally felt sick to my stomach and knew that I needed to get my children inside as soon as possible. I can't really explain it, but it almost felt like a mother bear and who knew her baby cubs were in danger. My ears perked up and my claws came out. I gathered my babies and within 2 minutes or less, we were in the house. Every door was double locked!

Once inside, I couldn't shake the feeling. I was pacing around my house, trying to calm myself down. My heart was racing. I am not someone who gets scared or paranoid easily... so this is a BIG deal for me. The baby needed to go down for a nap, but I was afraid to have her out of my sight. I decided to put her in the downstairs bedroom. Once she was asleep, I wanted to listen to something that could help me calm down. I have lots of BYU devotionals on my dvr and put on an old talk by David A. Bednar. The "random" devotional I decided to listen to was a talk given in 2005 titled Quick to Observe. As I listened, I continued to feel scared, but it was confirmed to me through the Spirit of God that I needed to respond to my intuition and be on guard. At this point, I rechecked all my doors & made sure the dog was awake and ready to protect us. We don't own any weapons, but I went out to the garage and grabbed a hammer and kept it by the front door. So odd and so not like me.

Just after 1:00 pm, someone knocked on our door. It was a friendly knock.. da-da-da-da-da... DA, DA. Zack and I were both in the front room and heard the knock. I grabbed the hammer and told Zack NOT to answer the door. But Zack didn't listen to me and undid the bolt. He opened it about three inches before I got to the door. I slammed it shut and dead bolted it before looking through the peep hole. My heart was literally in my throat. I cannot even describe to you how scared I felt at that moment, but I KNEW without a doubt that we were NOT to open that door, no matter what.

I looked through the peep hole and saw an African American male, in his mid 20's, with a big muscular build. He was holding a tool box in one hand. He knew we had opened the door, so he looked into the peep hole and knocked again. I was scared to say anything, but knew I needed to protect my babies. I yelled at him through the door, "Go Away!". He then lifted up a spray bottled and showed me that he was trying to sell some sort of cleaner. I said again very forcefully, "We're not interested. Go Away!" He stood there for 30 seconds or so and then walked away. I continued to look through the peep hole and pulled out my cell phone and dialed 911.

This circumstance is SO ABNORMAL for me. I am not paranoid, I am not a drama queen, I have never called the police for any reason. But I knew that I needed to make the call. I told the dispatcher that I didn't have an emergency, but I wanted to report suspicious behavior. When I explained what the salesman did, I realized that he didn't DO anything that was out of the norm, but I know what I felt... and it did not feel good.

Several years ago, I read a book titled The Gift of Fear written by a board member of the United States department of Justice. The book states that all animals have the gift of fear, but humans are the only animals that rationalize their thoughts and don't trust in their gut instincts. We don't act on our fears because sometimes it's not polite to respond to a stranger in such a rash manner or because we don't have any "proof" that someone is going to hurt us. This is a paraphrased example from the book:

Say you're waiting for the elevator and when the door opens, there's a single man inside. For no reason that you can identify, you feel suddenly very afraid to get in the elevator. "That's stupid", you say to yourself. "I have no reason to be afraid of this person. I'm just being irrational."

Which makes more sense? To get into a sound-proof metal box with a stranger who makes you feel fear, or to wait for the next elevator and risk offending said stranger?

He also states in the book that many times, we know minutes, hours or even days before a violent act is going to take place. I believe this and after today, I know that I felt it. It was in my bones and hour before he ever knocked on my door.

I also know without a doubt that I have been given another Gift-- the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost. When I was originally feeling scared, I wanted (and needed) to feel the Spirit so I could calm down, but the Holy Ghost confirmed to me that what I was feeling was on the spot and I needed to keep my guard up and get prepared for what was to come. This was such an eye opening experience for me.

I have no idea if the man who knocked on my door was going to hurt me or my children, but I know that I wasn't supposed to open my door or talk to him. I don't know if he went on to hurt someone else. I hope that the right authorities took my call seriously and patrolled my neighborhood and made sure that he was actually selling cleaning supplies and didn't have other things in his tool box. What I do know is that I listened to my gut and my babies are all sleeping safely tonight. They might just be sleeping on my bedroom floor as I type, but they are all sleeping safely.

Since this afternoon, I've been thinking about how badly I want to move away from Las Vegas. There is a lot of crime here. But I know there are burglaries and home invasions all over the world... we can't really run away from it. But I can become more prepared. I felt so helpless this afternoon with my hammer-- and believe it is probably time to get another weapon... but that scares me too! How do I protect my family without becoming a paranoid freak?

I know it sounds crazy. I had a hard time believing it when it was happening. But I really don't think we can be TOO careful. So, I yelled at a door-to-door salesman. And, I called the police and reported something suspicious when it wasn't. So what?? Isn't it better to be safe than sorry? Has anyone had a similar experience?