not this cute anymore!
I feel depressed tonight. I realize I have five little children and I shouldn't be too hard on myself, but I feel like such a loser. I used to have such high aspirations and goals... what happened to that girl? I know she's inside somewhere, but lately I can't access her. She's trapped underneath a never ending pile of laundry.
One of my "bigger" goals this week was to make doctor and dentist appointments for our family. Insurance info changed with Aaron's new job (six months ago) so it took me a while to make sure our fave doctors are covered by this new plan. Anyway, as I was looking at the benefits, I saw that every individual in our family is illegible for therapy.. free counseling! The first eight sessions are free and then after that, they are $20 a session. I don't know why, but that made me really excited. I didn't hesitate for a second and signed myself up for a session with a family counselor. The secretary on the phone asked me if it was for stress, post-partum depression, anxiety, marriage or parenting issues. I laughed and said all of the above. I made an appointment for next week and I am really looking forward to sitting down with a total stranger (a professionally trained one) and share all of my problems. I hope I can lay on a couch and rest my head on a pillow while I talk.
I really need to get up in the mornings and exercise, but I just don't have a single ounce of extra energy. How can I get excited about folding laundry? I was absolutely THRILLED to buy a big tub of Gain laundry detergent at the store yesterday. Amazing that a box of soap can get me happy. It's been a while since I've splurged for Gain. Believe it or not, that amazingly fresh smell did make folding the endless pile of laundry a little better. But it also made me depressed because the things I felt excited about today were: #1 the brand of my laundry detergent and #2 seeing a therapist next week. I've got issues. Aaron is teasing me that I am having a midlife crisis. Isn't 32 a little young for that?
I watched American Idol while folding laundry. Kris Allen performed and he was terrible and so boring. I am sure he's a nice person, but seriously, how did he win? Against Adam Lambert of all people. I really love Adam. Idol hasn't been the same since he walked down those neon stairs in that white suit. No one will ever be able to perform like he did. I was totally sad to see Colton go home tonight. I was digging the male contestants this year. Phillip Phillips and Joshua Ledet are still my faves. The girls can go home for all I care.
Tomorrow Aaron goes to court with Mark, the step-father of sweet Samantha who was accidentally shot in the head nine months ago. That seems like AGES ago. We're looking forward to having this experience be a part of the past and not the present. It's really been such a terrible tragedy.
Hm... is there anything else I could say that could make this post more negative? I'm sure I'll regret being so open in the morning because there are a lot of you reading this that I don't know... but I pride myself in being real. Even though most days I am optimistic and happy, today I am just not feeling it. and that's a part of life, I guess. If I could critique my mother, I would say that she needed to write more negative journal entries as a young mom. She was so great at documenting... and I love reading back on her experiences, but it couldn't have been THAT wonderful all of the time. Every once in a while, she'll write about a hard day and those are my favorite because I can totally relate to it! I hate when she makes it look like raising ten kids was easy... because I know it wasn't. Five has almost put me over the edge. This motherhood gig is exhausting! Time for sleepy.
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9 comments:
I'm glad you posted. I'm glad you are going to talk to someone because it makes you so happy. Taking time for yourself is so so important. You are doing an amazing job, motherhood is not for the weak...and admitting you need help is the strong move. Much love to you Janet!
You don't know me - I'm a random 20 year old from Jersey...but I just wanted to tell you that I admire you. A LOT. I have learned a lot from you and I know that if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't last very long. You're doing such a great job with your adorable kids and being one of the best mommies I know around the blogosphere.
I'm glad you got that time next week and that you got to get some Gain (Awesome stuff!!) and that you're so real!
I hope you have a brighter day today!! *hugs* :)
I have taken your tip about mascara (Cover Girl Lash Blast) and love it, so I may need to give Gain a try, too :)
Stephanie A.
Janet, I think it's a great thing to go see a therapist. Most people could really benefit from it, not just people in crisis. Therapy has quite literally changed my life, mostly by giving me the tools to do so. It helps, too, that my therapist is rad. I'm excited for you.
And really, who doesn't look at the laundry pile and feel sapped of all ambition?
Thanks ladies!
Laundry used to be one of my talents, it used to get done without having to try very hard. Now it's haunts me in the middle of the night.
And I really think therapy should be more of the norm. I've seriously always wanted to go-- for preventative reasons. We see medical doctors for check-ups, and I really think we should be taking as good (if not better) care of our mental health. Why do we have to wait until there's a "real" problem?
I am hoping my therapist is rad, but I don't have any referrals. Should I ask on facebook for an awesome therapist? Why is that taboo?
We've already talked about the therapy thing. It should be mandatory for all. I wanna go!
Funny how if I get laundry cleaned AND put away it's like I've accomplished something really great.
I agree with everyone else. I think it's great that you're going to see a therapist. Some days, I would love to talk to a stranger and have them give me some advice.
As for the laundry well, I get super duper excited when it's sunny and my clothes dry in about an hour! (most people don't have dryers, we hang our clothes out)
I agree with you 100% about mental health check-ups; that's a great way of framing it.
You should definitely ask for referrals from your fb friends- I think more of them would give you one than you might think. I'd refer you to mine, but I'm pretty sure you don't want to fly to Texas to see her (although it would be completely worth it). We just picked her at random from the listings and got lucky, so maybe you will, too.
Oh man, I feel ya sister. You mentioned you're talent for laundry, mine used to be grocery shopping. It was just a no brainer and I did it really well. Lately, not so much. My kids are lucky to have day old bread to gnaw on for a snack. :)
And on the therapy note, I think it is already being viewed very differently these days, which I think is great! I have ALOT of friends who see therapists for "preventative care." It should absolutely be mandatory. You'll never regret it. I'm positive.
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