present

Roma's birth was life-changing for me in many ways.  Another significant experience came on Thanksgiving day when I was least expecting it.  If I had the words to explain how it changed me, I would explain.  But its something I can't really describe, just a feeling in my gut that I was doing the right thing at the right moment.  I had pulled my kids out of school, I was cooking up a storm and even though it should have been madness around me (dishes, kids, food, chaos) everything was still and motionless.  It went on for hours, the entire time we prepared the meal.  It was magical.

Looking back it seems like a dream, like it didn't happen.  But in the past few months, I've had several mini-experiences that let me know I am doing the right thing at the right time.  It doesn't seem to matter where I am. but its almost always with my children.  They are quiet moments, and sometimes the feeling will change a very chaotic experience (like making dinner or dancing to loud music) into an almost motionless moment.  The only way to describe it is like I'm watching the experience happen from another perspective... I am in it, but I am also watching it on a big screen and I know that it was a moment that needed to happen in my life to teach me a lesson or fill me with the desire to do more and be more present with my family. 

I had another similar experience while rocking my baby girl to sleep tonight.  She was wide away when I sat with her on my lap.  She tried to wiggle away, but then I started humming and she curled up on me and became putty in my arms.  She puckered up about 100 times and I kissed her each time on the lips... and after each kiss, she would smile and we would both giggle.  Eventually she closed her sleepy eyes.  I kissed her again and each time I did, her lips curled up into a smile.. until, finally she was asleep.  Her room was dark and quiet and filled with love.  My heart was full  of contentment and peace and assurance that I needed to be in that rocking chair while she melted into my arms.  

Sometimes I wonder if I can do it... If I can have a large family and take care of pets and support a husband who works long hours.  And then I have these sacred moments that assure me that I can and I will.  I used to wonder who was living this life of mine-- wonder why these big kids were calling me Mom.  But I don't find myself asking those questions anymore.  I feel empowered and confidant that I will be able to handle all of these kids and hopefully invite more to join us.  I will get my house organized and I will find the right way to teach my children responsibility.  I find such strength in the kitchen, cooking for my family.  I never knew it could give me such a feeling of contentment.  Of course, there are always bad days, when I don't feel as motivated or excited to put dinner on the table or read stories to my sleepy children or go for a walk when the sun is setting, but I find that when I DO those very important things, I am centered again.  And I realize I am exactly where I was always supposed to be.  I was created for this.