grateful

Hi.  it's 6 am or so and Roma and I are hanging out together in the loft.  She woke up needing a drink around 4 and hasn't gone back to sleep.  And I was already awake when she came into my bedroom so we've been hanging for the last couple of hours.  She's watching Dora on my phone while I've been catching up on emails and listening to some organizational podcasts on my laptop.  She's laying on my shoulder, but every few minutes she tells me she needs to hold my hand, so I get to stop what I'm doing and squeeze her squishy fingers as we cuddle.

Last time I checked in, I had a total breakdown over my bra.  I basically cried all day Sunday over it.  Monday I woke up feeling like a brand new person.  I am not sure how many times I've cried this pregnancy, but it could definitely be counted on one hand.  It was building up for sure and I needed an emotional release!  This week I have just felt so grateful for my family and how much we've been blessed over the years.

These past few nights, I've cleared my bookshelves and organized all my files, photos, old letters and it not only feels great to have them organized, but it filled me to the brim with gratitude for all the wonderful people in my life.  I have been surrounded by supportive, loving, happy, good-natured friends and family and I feel so fortunate.  I hope I can provide that same kind of environment for my children.

Some of my most prized keepsakes come from my parents and grandparents.  I literally have dozens of handwritten letters from my Grandma Roma.  One letter she wrote was sent right after she attended a high school assembly that I conducted or performed? in.  She told me how proud she was of me and listed what she admired about me and then at the end she closed with "How could I help but love you so?" I love that line and need to include it in my conversations with my kids.  I knew she loved me and I know that I wasn't the only grandchild that felt this way.  what a talent she had of making everyone around her feel special.

I also read over a letter written by my Uncle Larry (my dad's brother) who was hit by a car riding a bike to work when I was a senior in high school.  He sent me this letter in the mail about a year before he died.  He had ten children of his own and almost 40 nieces and nephews, so it means so much that he would take the time to write to me, especially such a heartfelt letter.  It's very personal, but in it, he praised me for my confidence and self-assurance, saying it was a gift given from God and that I should use it wisely.  If I don't keep it under control it could become a weakness to me.  He also gave me great advice about personal revelation, reading my patriarchal blessing often and staying committed to the most important things in life.  He sent this letter when I was a Junior in high school, but as I re-read it the other night, it was as if he knew I would need to hear these words as a 34 year old mother of almost 6.  I am so grateful for his example in my life and also grateful I have hung on to important things like this.  I can't decide if I want to scan things in or file them away in books or just stack them in keepsake boxes... but either way, I am truly grateful to have access to them now.

I read through dozens of silly notes to and from my friends in high school and college... many of which I threw away because they were just... silly.  But I kept the most important ones and have a special place for all of the friends who have shaped me and made be better.  My parents letters and cards from my in-laws take up a box of their own and I will hang on to those for years and years and years.  So fortunate for parents like them.  Aaron and I have given cards to each other for the last 14 years on every birthday, anniversary, Valentine's Day, Father and Mothers Day and I was so proud of us while reading through them.  We've been through a lot in our marriage.  Right now we are going through a new adventure and there is no one else I'd rather experience it with.  He is nothing like me, but is exactly what I need.

Yesterday we had a series of doctors appointments to determine what's happening with our baby girl.  We still have a few more tests to run this week, but we think she's probably wrapped up in the umbilical cord because she's not budging from a really high position on my rib cage.  I am totally uncomfortable but every time she kicks or moves, I feel grateful that she's still kicking and growing and alive.  I am feeling peaceful and anxious about her arrival.

Above all, I am grateful for our 5 sweet children who fill my days up with light and chaos.  I was telling Aaron yesterday that we've never been more prepared to have a baby come to our family.  Our children are in good stages... old enough to care for themselves and help one another but also young enough to be completely thrilled about welcoming a new baby.  Each of them take turns feeling the baby kick and spending time talking to her and about her arrival.  The older boys are so amazingly helpful with the younger ones and constantly ask how they can serve me or Aaron.  Yesterday when we arrived home from an early ultrasound, we found our kids around the kitchen table eating Green Eggs and Sausage.  Earlier, Ben had read them Green Eggs and Ham and wanted to make a special breakfast, but we didn't have any ham so he improvised.  The kids were all excited to tell us what happened.  At first, Roma didn't want anything to do with the green eggs, but then she ate some and devoured not only her own plate, but everyone else's!  "Just exactly like the book!"  Aaron and I listened to them giggle and looked at each other, shrugging our shoulders wondering how we raised such amazing kids.  They are not only good and sweet, but they love each other and it's so rewarding watching them interact and play (and feed) one another.

In a few days, I will go in for extensive testing, to see how the baby is doing and if we will need a c-section or not.  I will have to pay for these test with a cash payment and I've wondered if it's worth it to go to precautionary measures.  But I know it's my job to do whatever it takes to protect and help my little chickies and this baby deserves a safe and healthy arrival.  This pregnancy (and upcoming delivery) will be completely opposite of Simon and Roma's arrival, but that's okay.  I believe I've been prompted all along to take this route, even though it's not what I wanted to do originally.

The past few months, I've had my moments where I've questioned whether or not God is listening to my prayers or if He understands the kind of responsibilities I've had on my shoulders or the stresses I've felt as I've tried to hold my family together-- pregnant, dealing with a recovering husband with too many deadlines at work, and a handful of children who need my time and attention, but the last few days, I've been flooded with gratitude knowing that He is most definitely aware of me and has a plan for our family.  I am not exactly sure WHAT that plan is and it may be a while before we see any kind of answers we're seeking, but they will come when it's time.  Right now my job is to have patience and find the silver lining in the clouds and there is so much to be happy about and grateful for.

The boys are now awake and begging to go on a bike ride!  The sun is coming up over the desert and I am going take them up on their request!!  Wish us (me) luck.

on vulnerability

Yesterday, I had a friend (who doesn't know me very well) comment about how my life always seems perfect.  well behaved kids, "cute" preggo tummy, attentive husband... just perfect.  life can seem that way from the outside, but everyone has things they are struggling with.  I told her I had a breakdown earlier that day because my bra broke (it was the truth and it was all I had to offer without dumping all my problems on her.) she laughed it off thinking that I was joking, but my pregnant self does not think this is funny.

I hate not being real with people, but I also don't like to be a complainer.  I also have a husband who is nothing like me and shares zero personal information, so it's not a good thing that his wife wears everything on her sleeve..  Where is the middle ground?  I can never figure it out.

Last night, I posted this on fb--

"Bar none, this pregnancy has been the most difficult for me. These past 8 months have felt like eons... with homeschooling, taxing church responsibilities, sleepless nights, sick kids, surgeries and a husband on crutches. Despite everything, I think I've held up pretty well and have shed minimal tears. This past month my baby turned breech and she does not want to turn. This week, my husband lost his job and although the timing isn't great, I've been positive and upbeat. This morning, my favorite beloved bra snapped and broke. Unexpectedly, I had a full on emotional breakdown and could not stop crying. I was totally embarrassed to explain to my husband (hours later because I couldn't even talk about it!) why I was so sad. He was very sweet and said I've been strong for too long and this was "the bra that broke the camel's back". Funny, yes. But I'm still teary-eyed about it. 

I don't like when people think facebook is their therapist, but sometimes I can't handle not being authentic.  The truth is, we are going through a hard time.  The last year has literally sucked for me.  12 months ago, I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks.  it was my 5th.  I felt stupid for even trying to get pregnant again.  I am not in shape, I have 5 other kids, I was exhausted, emotionally and physically.  After getting (and staying) pregnant successfully a couple of months later, as happy and as grateful as I am, I was miserably sick!  Exhausted and tired and NOT myself at all.  Seven months ago, when I was at my worst physically, my husband broke his ankle in a major way.  He needed two surgeries, and he's just now finally feeling like he might recover.  He even played tennis this week after 7 months away from any sports whatsoever!  My husband without physical exercise is not a happy one.  (he's not mean either, but he's down and that's so hard to see!)  Not to mention extra issues with our callings, which always seemed to be draining when I didn't have the energy to deal with what was happening at home.  We also are growing out of our house.  We will have 6 kids in two bedrooms in just a few weeks.  Can we manage?  Of course.  I love our house and I love our neighborhood and more importantly I love Las Vegas with all of my heart.  But it feels like it's time to move.  I am currently loading boxes and clearing out closets.  We have NO IDEA where we are going.  We have been praying and thinking about where to move for at least 2 years.  With the loss of Aaron's job this week, we might be forced into a decision before we know that it's best for our family, but I know we will be blessed.  And I know for sure, I will be happy wherever my family is and find the best about where we end up.  Even if it's hard.  But hard is good.  Putting your dirty laundry out feels good to me.  It's the only way I know how to operate.

*after posting on facebook, I regretted it.  But then I got a series of personal emails of others opening up about the things they are struggling with, and that is always feeding to my soul-- connecting with others who are also wanting and willing to be REAL and expose what they struggle with (without being a victim to their situation.)  It makes me want to go into counseling... I seriously want to be Brene Brown when I grow up.

This morning, I came across this new video of Brene Brown, it's long, but I had time to listen while i was packing boxes.  She's amazing and she says that as we are vulnerable (exposing our true selves and the realness of our problems) we won't connect with others unless they are being authentic.  In fact, she says, "If you are not in the arena also getting your butt kicked, I am not interested in your advice." Love it.  Love her.

posting this unfinished, but that is also the state of matter that I am currently living in.  Unknown, unfinished, unsure.  But still feeling good (and not wearing a bra.)


 

miss thang

THIS GIRL IS SOMETHING ELSE.

she's had a couple of serious injuries this past week.  You can't tell by the pictures, but she has a bad cut on her nose from wrestling on the trampoline and scraping her face on one of the springs.  She is amazing outside with the big boys (and the big dog) and can totally hold her own.  Of course, the boys are somewhat gentle with her, but she begs to get beat up..  She wants to fight!  A few days later, she was jumping from couch to couch, (again, with the boys) and smashed her head against the wall, and her forehead hit the back of the couch. At first, I thought she needed stitches, but it only opened a tiny bit (blessing for sure!) it turned into a huge goosebump and bruise but is now looking much better.  this is the first picture she would let me take of her "owie".  She doesn't want sympathy and doesn't cry much.  She is so tough and I love that about her!

She's totally a Daddy's girl, but really, she just makes herself comfortable wherever she is.  I am excited to watch these two develop a stronger relationship with a new baby and while Aaron has some extra time at home.  He is SO amazingly sweet with his little girl, I think he deserves another.  

lds open house

several months ago when Aaron was just out of surgery and I was still puking my guts out with morning sickness, our family was assigned to clean our church on an early Saturday morning.  I reluctantly pulled my kids out of bed and we went.  There were only a few other people there and I knew we would be there for a while.  I was totally annoyed when we started out... I assigned my kids jobs and took over vacuuming the entire church.  As I watched my kids happily work, and as little Miss Ro held up the vacuum chord for me, I was literally flooded with warm emotions about what this church as done for me (and my family) over the years.  I thought about the amazing leaders and examples I had in the adults who shaped my childhood, the friends and memories that I made at girls camp and youth conferences and service projects.  How much I grew through well prepared, spiritually uplifting lessons by my teachers who sacrificed so much to serve me.  In a very short time, I went from being grumpy and annoyed to being SO extremely grateful and overwhelmed with emotion.  The kids and I stayed until every last window was washed.  We were all skipping by the end and I am still so grateful that we chose to "sacrifice" on that early morning.

This past weekend, we had an OPEN HOUSE for our new church building.  I was involved in some of the planning meetings of this event and I was a little annoyed at how much work was being put into this event.  The leaders wanted every auxiliary and every classroom to be functioning how it would on a typical Sunday to give visitors an idea of what really goes on in our church buildings.  This meant the Primary kids would be singing, teachers giving lessons in each classroom, service projects going on, not to mention displays and scout projects and refreshments and the whole shebang.  It was a ton of work... and frankly, part of me wanted to pretend it wasn't happening.  To spend an entire Saturday morning (okay, we were only there for 2.5 hours) dressed up and pretending to go to church just to do it all over again on Sunday...  did not sound fun at all.  But let me tell you, my entire family had a blast.  We all went to our classrooms and got to mingle with some of our favorite people, celebrating not only a beautiful new building, but the relationships we share and the amazing church that we belong to.  I was literally overwhelmed with gratitude and warmth while I sat in that RS room with other women of my faith.  I sat at the "craft table" working on a cross-stitch from the 1970's (I had to pay a decent penny for it online and I'm super excited about it!)  Others were knitting and crocheting and we laughed about it would be appropriate if we put on pioneer caps and pretended like we sat around at home all day sewing and mending.  But really, while the mini-lessons were being taught, I thought about the first RS meetings ever held, and I became SO GRATEFUL for this organization that I belong to.  My life has been so enriched because of this church I belong to.  

These are just a few pictures that were snapped during the open house. I love my family and I am so appreciative for the others in these pictures.  We truly LOVE our ward, neighborhood and friends here in Vegas... more than we can say. 

we came home this Saturday afternoon, changed our clothes, cleaned the garage until it got dark and then went to the park with several other families in our neighborhood to play "night games" with glowsticks. (wish I had pictures of it, especially of Roma in her hot pink sweat suit.)  It was really the perfect Saturday.  

Ben - bio part 3

Do you know anything about your parents when they were children?

My mom had four sisters and five brothers and she grew up in Salt Lake City her whole life.  Most of my aunts and uncles still live there.  My Grandma and Grandpa still live in the very same house that my mom grew up in.  Sometimes we go play at the park of her elementary school when we visit.  But the school caught on fire when she was little and it’s kind of different now.  My mom was always tall when she was younger and she had lots of freckles like me. 

My dad had only one brother and three sisters and he was the 2^nd oldest.  His family moved everywhere. he lived lots of places, even in Mexico.  One time he lived in a three story house with an elevator.  He lived in Colorado, Wisconsin, Florida, Texas, and lots of other places.  When he was about my age, his best friend died.  His name was Patrick and he got hit by a truck while riding his bike.  Now my little brother is named Simon Patrick because of him.  He got his eagle scout when he was 16, but I am going to beat his age for sure!

What kind of job did your father have? What do you remember about it?

My dad is an attorney and he works a lot of hours.  I’ve only been to his work about 3 times and it has it’s own soda machine and lots of treats in the cafeteria.  He just lost his job yesterday.  It’s kind of sad and exciting at the same time.  It’s exciting because he gets to be home more and around us all the time, and it seems like a great time because we’re going to have a baby really soon and he can be here when it comes!  It's a little sad because we need to be careful with how we spend our money.  I hope that he can get a new job in Utah because I REALLY want to move there by my cousins!

Did your mother work outside of the home?

When I was really little she had a job, but she stays at home now.  She went to college until I was about 2 years old but I never remember her working or going to school.  She stays home with us and homeschools us.  And she does a lot of cleaning and cooking and she takes us lots of fun places like the park and pump it up.  She drives a 15 passenger van so we can invite our friends and we always have enough space.  It’s awesome!

What was your favorite dinner that your mother made? What was the worst?

My favorite is making it with her.  We do homemade pizza on Friday night.  And every single Tuesday we have tacos and I love those! She makes really good rice and meatballs. And chicken and rice and barbequed chicken. And we just made lettuce wraps with chicken and they are really yummy.  We’ve been cooking hot dogs over a fire in our backyard and that is really fun and yummy too!  I don’t really hate anything that she makes.  Sometimes when we eat taco salad, I don’t really like a lot of beans mixed in with the meat.  When I was little, I didn’t really tomatoes or spaghetti sauce but now I do. 

Describe a typical weekday as a child.  Were Saturdays the same?

…So, we wake up around 7 or 7:30 and do what we call “morning chores” which is make my bed, eat breakfast, get dressed, brush my teeth and clean my room.  Then we kind of do family time where we work together and get our house clean.  Then we do the pledge of allegiance and sing songs with Simon and Roma.  Then after that, we usually go somewhere fun or do a science experiment or something cool.  Then we have lunch.  After lunch we do “rotations” and that is usually between 1-3.  We do 30 minutes each of piano practice, math, journal writing and reading in a book we choose.  At 3:00 we have “scripture story snack” where we eat something yummy and talk about a scripture story around the table. After that, we have a little bit of play time.  We will usually play on the trampoline, play cards or play Legos.  Then we help get ready for dinner.  After dinner we clean up, do something together as a family or go to scouts or something.  Then we read scriptures and go to bed.  I hardly watch any tv or movies unless it’s a Friday night.  We don’t have video games and I don’t really ever play on the computer, unless I am looking up Lego sets or trying to find some facts about school work.  Those are my weekdays.  We try to go hiking every Friday with our friends!

On Saturdays we still do morning chores but we can sleep in.  Then we work on something as a family like clean out the garage or pull weeks or work on the backyard.  Then we eat lunch, maybe a picnic somewhere and then we always try to do something fun together like play soccer or go hiking.  Saturdays are my favorite days because my Dad usually is always home to hang out with us.  And we try to get donuts at Glaziers together.

Luke bio -- part 3

Do you know anything about your parents when they were children?

I know my Dad moved around a lot, like every 2 years.  Like Colorado and Mexico and basically everywhere but Alaska.  His coolest house was in Mexico and he had an elevator and a maid there.  One house that he lived in Texas, he and Brett didn't have a bedroom or a bed and they had to pull out a hide-a-bed every single night and use a vacuum closet for their clothes. 

I know my mom moved into my Grandma and Grandpa’s house when she was about 4.  And she met her friend Francine when she was 5.  She had lots of pets, like lots of cats and a dog named Peanut.  And one time her brother David tried to make a cat swim and he drowned it in a bucket of water, and it almost died, but they dried it off with a towel and it came back alive.  And one time a date came to pick her up and heard a cat under the couch and lifted it up but couldn't see it, then he put the couch down and it smashed the cats neck and killed it!  And my mom’s parents weren't home, but all of her younger siblings were crying and my mom was kind of laughing about it because it was so crazy.  My grandpa had to put it to sleep that night.

What kind of job did your father have? What do you remember about it?

My dad is a lawyer and he goes and writes about cases that he has to defend in court.  He usually wears a suit with a tie and he leaves around 7 or 8 in the morning and sometimes he comes back just in time for dinner.  But other times he comes home at 10 or 11 at night.  He sometimes goes to the courthouse and talks to a judge and tries to help people.

Did your mother work outside of the home?

My mom stays home and takes care of me and my siblings.  She cleans up a lot and she grocery shops and buys things that we need.  And a lot of times, she takes us fun places and buys us ice cream if we’re good or just takes us to the park or a museum.  She lets us invite friends to come with us because we have room in our van.  She doesn't get paid for it, but she does it anyway and she’s still happy about it.  Because she loves us and has fun playing games with us. 

What was your favorite dinner that your mother made? What was the worst?

My favorite meal ever is chicken fajitas.  They are so good and my mom always makes them for me for my birthday or sometimes just because.  I usually  have like 3 servings.  I know how to make them too.  We cut up peppers and chicken and onions and cook them with lots of spices, but I don’t really know how long to cook it, just until my mom says its ready.  Then we wrap them in tortillas and cheese and add tomatoes and sour cream and guacamole. They are so yummy! One time my dad made fajitas but they were way too spicy for anyone to eat and we had to give them to Sunny.  I really don’t have a worst food, I guess if the food is burned then it’s not really good.  I like every food basically.

Describe a typical weekday as a child.  Were Saturdays the same?

We wake up around 7 or 8.  Not really with an alarm, just when we hear everyone awake.  We first do our morning chores and then we eat breakfast and do our jobs.  Then we usually go somewhere fun, but not every single day.  It’s usually like the library or a bike ride or hiking or a museum.  Then we come home for lunch and Simon and Roma take a nap while we do our school work.  After a couple of hours of studying, we have free time to play and do whatever we want, which is usually Legos or play in our backyard.  Or play card games or other games.  Then we get ready for dinner and our Dad to come home from work.  Although he’s home every day right now and it’s awesome.  Everyday feels like Saturday!  Saturdays are usually the same accept our Dad is home.  Sometimes on Saturdays we can go to a friend’s house too because they are home from school that day. 

Zack's Bio -- part 3

Do you know anything about your parents when they were children?

My dad lived in a lot of different places and he didn't really like moving around very much.  Sometimes he had a lot of friends and sometimes there were no kids his age.  Right now, there’s not really very many friends my age that I can play with, so that’s the same as my Dad.

My Mom lived in Utah her whole life and she has a really big family.  She’s the middle child, just like me!  And she had freckles just like me!  She had lots and lots of friends growing up and she still even plays with them and we play with their kids too.  It’s fun.

What kind of job did your father have? What do you remember about it?

My dad is a lawyer.  He tells people about the law and helps them so they don’t get in trouble or go to jail.  He wears church clothes to work and always looks nice. 

Did your mother work outside of the home?

My mom’s job is to take care of the kids and to teach us how to work and how to be nice to each other.  She wears nice clothes sometimes, but never church clothes.  Sometimes we can just stay in comfortable clothes, like pajamas, all day.  She also cooks and teaches us how to make food.  It’s yummy!

What was your favorite dinner that your mother made? What was the worst?

My favorite food is waffles we usually have them for breakfast but sometimes, if we’re lucky, we get them for dinner too.  I just like syrup on mine and if they are desserts, then I like to put strawberries and whip cream and even ice cream!!

all of my worst dinners are hotdogs, chicken, and hamburgers.  I don’t really like to eat meat that much.  I am kind of a vegetarian and I love all vegetables except not squash.

Describe a typical weekday as a child.  Were Saturdays the same?

We wake up, get to play Legos, do our jobs and morning chores, then we do rotations like practice piano, math, reading, and write in our journals and write reports about things we like.  And like right now, I’m working on my biography!  After school, we get to play on the trampoline, ride bikes, invite friends over, go to scouts, make dinner and then go to bed by 8:30.  Saturdays are kind of the same, but different because we can stay up late on Friday night and have a Lego party.  And we do fun stuff together as a family in the day like go to the park with our dad.  We don’t have videos games but sometimes we can earn computer time if we get all of our work done.  Me and Simon like to play a computer game called “Super Smash Flash”

teenagers

Tyson Buck came over for dinner on Saturday night.  Tyson is one of my older brother's best friends.  I haven't seen him in 8 years or so, but we picked up just where we left off.  He lives in Oregon with his cute wife and three kids and just so happened to be in town for an Ortho convention (love living in Vegas for this reason, it seems like everyone eventually ends up here for work.)  He came over at 6pm.  We had steak and potatoes for dinner.  He brought dessert.  The kids visited for a bit, but went upstairs to play while Aaron, Ty and I stayed up until 11pm talking and laughing and reminiscing about the good old days.

After he left, our kids were still awake and they came downstairs and we talked about what we want for them as teenagers.  I would LOVE to give them opportunities to hang out with young men and women their age and have the freedom to be kids.  It doesn't seem like that's something we can give them here in Vegas.  It doesn't seem like parents trust teenagers anymore.  What's happening to the world these days?

Some of the best memories I made growing up was having sleepovers with our friends.  I know that so many parents are cautious about this nowadays and I understand why they are, but it still bothers me.  Why can't good kids stay up late and laugh and hang out on the weekends?  I had such a GREAT group of teenagers in my neighborhood.  This sounds crazy to me now, but we went on camping trips on the weekends without any adult supervision.  I know that sounds dangerous, a bunch of 16-18 boys and girls sleeping in the mountains without anyone making sure we weren't getting into trouble.  But guess what?  We weren't getting into trouble!  We were making fires and telling ghost stories.  The girls slept in one place and the boys slept in another.  In the morning, we woke up and made breakfast together.  How fun (and safe) is that?  It really was the best of times.

Do I want my boys to have sleepovers with girls?  Of course not, but I do want them to have good friends that are girls.  It would be great if they took them on dates every once in a while, too.  I want them to feel comfortable to be themselves-- to be play silly games and eat junk food and laugh about the latest dumb movie.  Do I trust my boys to be around other teenagers and not get in trouble?  Totally.  100%.  Do I trust other teenagers?  Yes, not all of them, but I know there are good ones out there.

Last night, Aaron and I played cards with Ben and Luke until midnight.  We laughed and talked about what we want for them as teenagers and asked them where they want to live.  They both want to go to Utah.  It's so cold there, but I think it might be the best place to raise teenagers.

RSP

I was released as relief society president today.  it was one of my favorite Sundays ever.

I don't mean to say I didn't love serving, because I did.  But the timing was perfect and the release felt exactly like what it should feel like.. a release of responsibilities and stress, like a big burden was lifted off my shoulders, without having to give up any of the relationships I developed along the way.

The Bishop asked me to bear my testimony along with the new presidency that was called today.  I (always) have things to say, but when I stood up at the pulpit, my mind was blank.  zero thoughts were floating around..  Yesterday I went through all of my boys names before I finally got to the right one (Luke).   I get their names mixed up when I am not pregnant, but when I am pregnant, I feel like I have zero brain waves.  And that's how I felt at the pulpit this morning.  I went through a few thoughts and none of them were the right ones...  All I really felt like saying was how happy I was.  I should have left it at that.  But as authentic as that would have been, it didn't seem appropriate.

Now that's it's 2:30 am and I've spent my Sunday not sleeping, I figure it would be best to get my thoughts out through writing.  There are significant lessons I learned while serving in this capacity.  Who knows how many I can get out before my brain shuts off for good.

• When I was first called, I had a conversation with an older woman who I didn't know well, but she felt inspired to tell me about her experience while serving as RSP and I am so grateful she did.  She explained that she was very overwhelmed and many times she had to make sacrifices at the expense of her family.  She missed school assemblies and dance recitals and countless dinnertime conversations because she was busy serving the women in her ward.  Now that it's been years later and her kids are grown, she really regrets putting her calling before her family.  She told me that if a decision came between serving outside the home and spending time with my family, I wouldn't ever regret choosing my husband or children over church responsibilities.  That struck me and I never forgot it.  I made a significant effort to be present with my children and husband the entire time I served.  And I don't regret a single decision because of her advice.  Yes, there were some days I felt like I wasn't doing enough for the women in my ward, but I delegated things that were pressing and I realized that everyone else would survive.  I let calls go to voicemail.  I told others to try to figure it out on their own before they asked for help.  If someone did or said something bothered me and it took my thoughts away from my children during the day, I honestly wouldn't allow it to bother me anymore.  It was as simple as that.  I stopped stewing over it and let it go, like water under a bridge.  

• The second biggest lesson came during my meeting with the Bishop as he released me.  He sat me down, told me they were reorganizing the presidency (something I knew because my 1st counselor is going through some health issues, my 2nd counselor just had a baby, and my secretary is moving this week.. it was definitely the right time for all!)  then after the release he told me he had an assignment for me.  I thought he might issue another calling.  Instead he said, "I would like you to go home and ask God if He is pleased with your service.  And then pray to know how you could have done better in your calling."  I was taken back by this assignment.  I could give you a long list of a million things I could have done better.  I already knew, I didn't need to pray about it.  But the idea of taking inventory at the end of the road is something I never do.  I realized quickly that this is what I need to do on a daily basis in order to develop myself and become who I was intended to be.  In the past week, each night as I lay down, I ask God if He was pleased with my day (which is much different than with being pleased with it myself) and then go through a few items of where I could have improved.  It's been so significant that I started writing them down.  I make a ton of mistakes.  Some of them are painful to write.  But hopefully that pain keeps me from doing it the next day.  It's been a new way of journaling for me.  Much more significant than writing what I am grateful for (although that helps too :)  But I don't want to be all about fluff and happiness.  I want to learn and grow and become better.

• My flaws as the president in the Relief Society organization were lengthy..  I could list them here, but then you'd feel bad for me and try to talk me out of what I already know to be true.  And I don't need pity or sympathy...  I know my strengths, (that's never been a problem for me.) But to sum things up, I realize I don't work as well with others as I once thought I had.  I am very blunt and I hurt feelings when i never intended to.  I am quick to speak.  I don't ponder my thoughts and let them marinate.  I don't prepare, especially when it comes to spiritual things.  There were so many times I could have benefited from praying about a situation, but I chose to act instead because I am a doer and I like to do things quickly.  I realize now this is a huge weakness of mine, and I had always thought it was a strength.  Another thing I realized as I went through this process is that in every instance, my weaknesses are the strengths of the new Relief Society Pres.  I told her this as we met and went over details of the calling.  She is wise and thoughtful and prayerful and strong in every area that I am not, which is amazing. Our bishopric and ward will benefit because of these gifts she possesses.  Over the pulpit, I tried to relay this message, but it didn't come out right.  Pretty sure I said, "she's super righteous and I'm not."  Which is true but might have not sounded appropriate.  oh well.  Did I mention I am 8 months pregnant?

• THE highlight of my service came during tragedies, and I hope that doesn't come across the wrong way, but they were the spiritual highlights for me.  It was an absolute PRIVILEGE to be in the homes of women when they were struggling.  I witnessed humility and gratitude and meekness in the midst of trials and I am overwhelmed by the strength and testimony of these amazing women.  I will keep the precious details of those circumstances with me always.  I am in awe of those who dealt with death, sickness, divorce, abuse, parenting teenagers, old age, surgeries, depression (the list can go on) like these amazing women.  I am less quick to judge because of them. What dear friends and examples they have become to me.

• I realized how dependent we become on others while serving.  I needed a team of women in so many different instances.  Sometimes we don't want to volunteer (and shouldn't because it comes between choosing between our children and spouses.) but it's SO important to offer services when you feel you can.  Significant events can happen with very little effort when everyone offers a small part.  I was in charge of planning three (heartbreaking) funerals and they each turned out beautiful, in their own way.  Help came from EVERYWHERE and it was effortless for all those who contributed just a little bit.  Burdens can be so overwhelming if you are carrying them on your own.  But support IS available if you ask for it.  It always was for me and I noticed how heartbreaking experiences became easier to bear (especially for those going through excruciating pain) when they were surrounded by a support system.  

I know there are hard times ahead for me.  I don't know if I am prepared for them, but I know that I am better prepared after "sacrificing" in this calling.  Yes, I am also thrilled it's over, but I am so grateful for what it has taught me.  I am better and my family has been blessed because of it.

to move or not to move

We want to move.  At least, we want to move out of our house.  We can't seem to agree on where we want to move to...  and this is is a minor problem.

Aaron wants to move to Utah.  Down the street from my siblings and parents. He thinks the kids should live by their cousins.  Don't get me wrong, the idea sounds amazing, but I don't want to.  I think our kids are close with their cousins.  We see them often (enough) and their relationships are strong and good.  And I love having visitors-- when family comes to stay at your house for days at a time, you are able to create memories and experiences that don't happen when you live next door.  (obviously I realize there are a lot more things you can do together when you live in the same city.)  But it's winter for like 6 months of the year there... and I hate cold places.  I like snow for like two days, while visiting.  I prefer palm trees and swimming pools and pina coladas.

I want to move to a farm.  Or to Georgia.  Preferably a farm in Georgia, actually.  I really want some LAND and we can't get it here in Vegas... or in Utah, really.  I don't want to live in a neighborhood if we can help it.  And I feel like we can help it.  I want to live in a small house with a lot of space to run and be free.  Georgia is beautiful.  Houses and acres of land are affordable.  AND we have family there.  Not a lot of family, but some.  And that's more than we have in Vegas.

Can we make friends that become like family?  Yes, we can and we have.  But the older our kids get, the more we realize that it's not the same, no matter how hard we try.  I have a huge support system of women I love and will miss if we move away.  But my husband doesn't have that.  And even though my kids have darling, wonderful friends, they aren't cousins.

Above all, I want to spend more time together as a family.  I don't care if we have to take a huge paycut, or if I need to start working a graveyard shift, but I want Aaron home more.  But I know this puts a ton of pressure on my husband who not only wants to provide for us, but has to pay back loans from school.  I hate that we have debt and I really don't want my kids to follow down the same (educational) path we did.  We went to college without a real plan and now we're paying for it.  I really would LOVE to start some kind of small family business so we can WORK together and teach them not just about making money, but how to invest, save, and plan out their educational goals before they go to college.

These are the thoughts going through my mind at 4 am.  I wish I could sleep, but it's impossible these days.