grateful

Hi.  it's 6 am or so and Roma and I are hanging out together in the loft.  She woke up needing a drink around 4 and hasn't gone back to sleep.  And I was already awake when she came into my bedroom so we've been hanging for the last couple of hours.  She's watching Dora on my phone while I've been catching up on emails and listening to some organizational podcasts on my laptop.  She's laying on my shoulder, but every few minutes she tells me she needs to hold my hand, so I get to stop what I'm doing and squeeze her squishy fingers as we cuddle.

Last time I checked in, I had a total breakdown over my bra.  I basically cried all day Sunday over it.  Monday I woke up feeling like a brand new person.  I am not sure how many times I've cried this pregnancy, but it could definitely be counted on one hand.  It was building up for sure and I needed an emotional release!  This week I have just felt so grateful for my family and how much we've been blessed over the years.

These past few nights, I've cleared my bookshelves and organized all my files, photos, old letters and it not only feels great to have them organized, but it filled me to the brim with gratitude for all the wonderful people in my life.  I have been surrounded by supportive, loving, happy, good-natured friends and family and I feel so fortunate.  I hope I can provide that same kind of environment for my children.

Some of my most prized keepsakes come from my parents and grandparents.  I literally have dozens of handwritten letters from my Grandma Roma.  One letter she wrote was sent right after she attended a high school assembly that I conducted or performed? in.  She told me how proud she was of me and listed what she admired about me and then at the end she closed with "How could I help but love you so?" I love that line and need to include it in my conversations with my kids.  I knew she loved me and I know that I wasn't the only grandchild that felt this way.  what a talent she had of making everyone around her feel special.

I also read over a letter written by my Uncle Larry (my dad's brother) who was hit by a car riding a bike to work when I was a senior in high school.  He sent me this letter in the mail about a year before he died.  He had ten children of his own and almost 40 nieces and nephews, so it means so much that he would take the time to write to me, especially such a heartfelt letter.  It's very personal, but in it, he praised me for my confidence and self-assurance, saying it was a gift given from God and that I should use it wisely.  If I don't keep it under control it could become a weakness to me.  He also gave me great advice about personal revelation, reading my patriarchal blessing often and staying committed to the most important things in life.  He sent this letter when I was a Junior in high school, but as I re-read it the other night, it was as if he knew I would need to hear these words as a 34 year old mother of almost 6.  I am so grateful for his example in my life and also grateful I have hung on to important things like this.  I can't decide if I want to scan things in or file them away in books or just stack them in keepsake boxes... but either way, I am truly grateful to have access to them now.

I read through dozens of silly notes to and from my friends in high school and college... many of which I threw away because they were just... silly.  But I kept the most important ones and have a special place for all of the friends who have shaped me and made be better.  My parents letters and cards from my in-laws take up a box of their own and I will hang on to those for years and years and years.  So fortunate for parents like them.  Aaron and I have given cards to each other for the last 14 years on every birthday, anniversary, Valentine's Day, Father and Mothers Day and I was so proud of us while reading through them.  We've been through a lot in our marriage.  Right now we are going through a new adventure and there is no one else I'd rather experience it with.  He is nothing like me, but is exactly what I need.

Yesterday we had a series of doctors appointments to determine what's happening with our baby girl.  We still have a few more tests to run this week, but we think she's probably wrapped up in the umbilical cord because she's not budging from a really high position on my rib cage.  I am totally uncomfortable but every time she kicks or moves, I feel grateful that she's still kicking and growing and alive.  I am feeling peaceful and anxious about her arrival.

Above all, I am grateful for our 5 sweet children who fill my days up with light and chaos.  I was telling Aaron yesterday that we've never been more prepared to have a baby come to our family.  Our children are in good stages... old enough to care for themselves and help one another but also young enough to be completely thrilled about welcoming a new baby.  Each of them take turns feeling the baby kick and spending time talking to her and about her arrival.  The older boys are so amazingly helpful with the younger ones and constantly ask how they can serve me or Aaron.  Yesterday when we arrived home from an early ultrasound, we found our kids around the kitchen table eating Green Eggs and Sausage.  Earlier, Ben had read them Green Eggs and Ham and wanted to make a special breakfast, but we didn't have any ham so he improvised.  The kids were all excited to tell us what happened.  At first, Roma didn't want anything to do with the green eggs, but then she ate some and devoured not only her own plate, but everyone else's!  "Just exactly like the book!"  Aaron and I listened to them giggle and looked at each other, shrugging our shoulders wondering how we raised such amazing kids.  They are not only good and sweet, but they love each other and it's so rewarding watching them interact and play (and feed) one another.

In a few days, I will go in for extensive testing, to see how the baby is doing and if we will need a c-section or not.  I will have to pay for these test with a cash payment and I've wondered if it's worth it to go to precautionary measures.  But I know it's my job to do whatever it takes to protect and help my little chickies and this baby deserves a safe and healthy arrival.  This pregnancy (and upcoming delivery) will be completely opposite of Simon and Roma's arrival, but that's okay.  I believe I've been prompted all along to take this route, even though it's not what I wanted to do originally.

The past few months, I've had my moments where I've questioned whether or not God is listening to my prayers or if He understands the kind of responsibilities I've had on my shoulders or the stresses I've felt as I've tried to hold my family together-- pregnant, dealing with a recovering husband with too many deadlines at work, and a handful of children who need my time and attention, but the last few days, I've been flooded with gratitude knowing that He is most definitely aware of me and has a plan for our family.  I am not exactly sure WHAT that plan is and it may be a while before we see any kind of answers we're seeking, but they will come when it's time.  Right now my job is to have patience and find the silver lining in the clouds and there is so much to be happy about and grateful for.

The boys are now awake and begging to go on a bike ride!  The sun is coming up over the desert and I am going take them up on their request!!  Wish us (me) luck.