on vulnerability

Yesterday, I had a friend (who doesn't know me very well) comment about how my life always seems perfect.  well behaved kids, "cute" preggo tummy, attentive husband... just perfect.  life can seem that way from the outside, but everyone has things they are struggling with.  I told her I had a breakdown earlier that day because my bra broke (it was the truth and it was all I had to offer without dumping all my problems on her.) she laughed it off thinking that I was joking, but my pregnant self does not think this is funny.

I hate not being real with people, but I also don't like to be a complainer.  I also have a husband who is nothing like me and shares zero personal information, so it's not a good thing that his wife wears everything on her sleeve..  Where is the middle ground?  I can never figure it out.

Last night, I posted this on fb--

"Bar none, this pregnancy has been the most difficult for me. These past 8 months have felt like eons... with homeschooling, taxing church responsibilities, sleepless nights, sick kids, surgeries and a husband on crutches. Despite everything, I think I've held up pretty well and have shed minimal tears. This past month my baby turned breech and she does not want to turn. This week, my husband lost his job and although the timing isn't great, I've been positive and upbeat. This morning, my favorite beloved bra snapped and broke. Unexpectedly, I had a full on emotional breakdown and could not stop crying. I was totally embarrassed to explain to my husband (hours later because I couldn't even talk about it!) why I was so sad. He was very sweet and said I've been strong for too long and this was "the bra that broke the camel's back". Funny, yes. But I'm still teary-eyed about it. 

I don't like when people think facebook is their therapist, but sometimes I can't handle not being authentic.  The truth is, we are going through a hard time.  The last year has literally sucked for me.  12 months ago, I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks.  it was my 5th.  I felt stupid for even trying to get pregnant again.  I am not in shape, I have 5 other kids, I was exhausted, emotionally and physically.  After getting (and staying) pregnant successfully a couple of months later, as happy and as grateful as I am, I was miserably sick!  Exhausted and tired and NOT myself at all.  Seven months ago, when I was at my worst physically, my husband broke his ankle in a major way.  He needed two surgeries, and he's just now finally feeling like he might recover.  He even played tennis this week after 7 months away from any sports whatsoever!  My husband without physical exercise is not a happy one.  (he's not mean either, but he's down and that's so hard to see!)  Not to mention extra issues with our callings, which always seemed to be draining when I didn't have the energy to deal with what was happening at home.  We also are growing out of our house.  We will have 6 kids in two bedrooms in just a few weeks.  Can we manage?  Of course.  I love our house and I love our neighborhood and more importantly I love Las Vegas with all of my heart.  But it feels like it's time to move.  I am currently loading boxes and clearing out closets.  We have NO IDEA where we are going.  We have been praying and thinking about where to move for at least 2 years.  With the loss of Aaron's job this week, we might be forced into a decision before we know that it's best for our family, but I know we will be blessed.  And I know for sure, I will be happy wherever my family is and find the best about where we end up.  Even if it's hard.  But hard is good.  Putting your dirty laundry out feels good to me.  It's the only way I know how to operate.

*after posting on facebook, I regretted it.  But then I got a series of personal emails of others opening up about the things they are struggling with, and that is always feeding to my soul-- connecting with others who are also wanting and willing to be REAL and expose what they struggle with (without being a victim to their situation.)  It makes me want to go into counseling... I seriously want to be Brene Brown when I grow up.

This morning, I came across this new video of Brene Brown, it's long, but I had time to listen while i was packing boxes.  She's amazing and she says that as we are vulnerable (exposing our true selves and the realness of our problems) we won't connect with others unless they are being authentic.  In fact, she says, "If you are not in the arena also getting your butt kicked, I am not interested in your advice." Love it.  Love her.

posting this unfinished, but that is also the state of matter that I am currently living in.  Unknown, unfinished, unsure.  But still feeling good (and not wearing a bra.)