thirty five

I had a birthday a few days ago.  I turned 35.  Is that old or young?  I think both.  And even though my husband or kids would tell you differently, I really am growing up.  I can feel myself getting more mature by the minute.

It was a really mellow day and I loved it, although I am not sure I would have when I was younger ;).  I had a few things to be frustrated about.. like my phone shattering and my van being in the shop.  So I was without a (real) phone and without a car.  But I woke up in a great mood and didn't care what happened.  Simon and Zack have Let's Play Music classes on Wednesdays and Simon was the first one out of bed that morning.  He found me nursing Eden on the couch and said so excitedly, "Mom guess what today is....!"  I just smiled at him and let him answer himself, "It's MUSIC CLASS DAY!"  Then I told him it was by birthday too and he said, "Cool"  Which is really how I felt about my day.  Not sad (at all) but also not really that excited either.  just cool.

I heard the older boys in the kitchen while i was nursing so I went back to bed because I had a feeling they were bringing me breakfast.  And within a few minutes, I had a plate of scrambled eggs and cold toast.  Roma ate most of it for me.

Aaron left for work and said he would come home for lunch.  I said cool.  Debbie called and we chatted for a while.  Jane stopped by to drop off the most thoughtful gift.. a willow tree figurine that I will treasure forever, along with a cafe rio gift card and the sweetest card.  She also offered to take Simon, Roma and Zack for her morning music class and drop them off after lunch.  I knew Roma would LOVE being there for her class (and she did.)

Since Eden was asleep, Ben and Luke and I capitalized on our quiet time and played a couple of rounds of Rummikub.  I told them to go easy on me since it was my birthday but they didn't obey.  I lost every time we played.  We got some banana bread out of the freezer and laughed through a few games.

Then I took a bubble bath, in my quiet bedroom, which is rare.  I listened to a few of my favorite Marianne Williamson devotionals.  I've heard them all dozens of times, but I really love her.  I took time getting ready, actually applying makeup in front of a real mirror.

By this time, Aaron was home for lunch.  We heard back from the shop that my van was ready, so we decided to go out to eat and pick it up on our way home.  We took Eden with us to Cafe Rio (had to use my new gift card, of course.) and had a delicious meal and Eden was a peach.  After we picked up the van, Aaron took Eden home and I stopped off at JoAnn's to get a couple of things... because lately I really feel like crafting instead of packing my house.  I figure my birthday is a good enough excuse to make a mess with paint.  Kristy called while I was at the store, so we were able to chat while I roamed around the store with nothing to do but browse.  It's amazing how great it feels to push a shopping cart without any kids inside or nearby.

while ringing up at JoAnn's I had a coupon on my phone and showed the cashier.  It's comical, really because the screen on my phone is shattered into a million pieces and she was trying to read the code and having a hard time.  She said, "I would be so pissed if this was my phone."  I said, "I know.  And it's my birthday."  She said, "Well, my cat ran away this morning."  I asked, "Is it your birthday?" She said "no." and then I told her. "It's not that big of a deal, then."  She looked at me without an expression and I walked out to the car smiling.  I was joking, obviously, but not everyone gets my humor.. and that's too bad.  I'm sure her cat came back, the very next day. thought he was a gonner, but he just couldn't stay away, oh no.  Anyone know this song?

one of the projects the kids and I made this week.

When I got home, Aaron was playing Uno with the kids.  I returned texts, took Zack to his music class, opened a $weet card from my parents and a cute package and card from Aaron's parents.  Man, we came from good stock.  Aaron had made a cake and had dinner marinating in the fridge (grilled chicken and a yummy salad.) but I told him I'd rather go up to the temple and walk the grounds while the sun set.  So everyone packed up in the van and buckled up.  When I say go, we go... at least on my birthday.  I LOVE when Aaron is in a good mood and he knows that's all he has to do to make me happy.. just be happy.  I didn't get any presents from Aaron and the kids, but I don't need anything and their cards were totally enough.

We picked up Zack from class and headed up to the temple.  But because we were already hungry before we even got on the freeway, we stopped at Sonic and got everyone a kids meal. Lori called while Aaron was ordering and I answered, which is a total no-no for our marriage.  No talking on the phone when we are ordering and passing out food to the kids.  But it's my birthday, so bring on the crazy.. the kids meals also came with sticker dispensers which ended up all over their faces.  We also had to make a bathroom stop.. (seriously?) on the way so the sun set before we got to the temple.  I love the temple at night because there is a great view of the strip and mountains all around the valley.  I absolutely love Las Vegas and our time here.  It's been so good to me.

As we walked around the grounds (and tried to avoid sprinklers) I had a chance to hold each of my kids hands and talk to them for a minute privately.  Zack was especially cute talking about how good he felt there and that he was so glad we came. Ben too.  I feel terrible that I've never taken Ben to do baptisms here.  Having a baby kind of puts a wrench in any temple plans, but still.  He's been with the youth, but we need to take him soon.  We took a couple of pictures and then got back into the car.

We came home to cake and ice cream and stayed around the table for while just talking.  Not really about anything special.  Just enjoying each other and the ease of knowing there is no school or homework to worry about.  We ended up staying up even later watching the new season of Survivor premier (yes, we are still huge fans.  it's the only television we watch.)  I think it was around midnight before we got into bed... so I used up every minute of my special day doing what I love to do best, hang out with my family.

I don't really have any new goals for the new year except get back in shape, read more books, enjoy living near my extended family and continue to invest my time with my kids and husband.  Thirty-five is going to be a year of adjustment.  Give me this mountain.  I am ready to climb.

Eden Lee at 6 months

Fastest 6 months of my life just flew by. and some of the happiest too.  I feel bad I've completely dropped the ball with documenting Eden's first 6 months, but then I don't.  Because I've spent all my free time loving on this sweet girl.  She has been held 95% of her short life-- not because she's crying but because we all fight over her.  She is such a lightweight and fits perfectly in anyone's arms.  And she is always happy.  She rarely cries and if she does, we know she's hungry.  We really couldn't have asked for a sweeter, softer, more beautiful baby.

Eden is a great sleeper (through the night since she was moved to her crib) and she has been my best little nurser.  I quit breastfeeding Simon and Roma around 6 months because it was still hard work and didn't seem worth it to me.  But nursing Eden has been so rewarding and enjoyable, since the very first day.  She will not take a bottle because I've never given her one... but she's always happy to eat anything we're eating at the table.  But after trying all kinds of things, rice cereal isn't very tasty anymore.  One of her favorite things is gnawing on pizza crust. 

There is not a single person in our family who isn't head over heels over this sweet baby.  Roma is definitely her biggest fan and even though she's never gentle, Eden loves her right back.  She has smiles for anyone who will make eye contact with her, but she rarely laughs.  Her demeanor is calm, quiet, gentle, and soft.  She does not get excited easily and her energy level is very low.  She doesn't kick or squeal unless the dog is licking her... I'm totally jealous of how easy Sunny can get her to laugh, all she has to do is move and Eden looses it.   Both of my girls are such animal lovers. 

We've spent the last 6 months together as a family, almost every minute of every day.  Something happened to us the day she was born and I think we all knew how important it was for us to cherish our time together.  She has made our home a more spiritual place and her influence has definitely made me feel God's love more in my life.  Those who meet her in person always say two things.. that she is cuter in person than in her pictures and that she is gentle and feminine.  As her mother, I couldn't agree more.  I feel that she radiates love and peace and beauty and that she was blessed with a patient and gentle soul.  She has been a such a gift to our family.

Happy half birthday, Sweetie Edee.  You are adored.

temples, families, motherhood and God

the past few years I've really struggled with my testimony.  There have been several serious conversations where I've asked my husband how he'd feel if I decided I didn't believe in God anymore.  I've wanted to take a break from church, praying, family scripture study, and anything else spiritual or cheesy.  I've also had times where I've wondered if my highly spiritual husband and I were compatible because I felt so far from where he was and didn't even know if I wanted to be the kind of wife he needed or wanted.  Because he's been 100% supportive and loving and understanding, I was able to take the time figure out what it is I believe and what is most important to me.

And over the past few months, I was able to find myself and my testimony.  I don't know how I buried it or lost it, but it was gone for a while..  and it feels so good to be back.  There was a series of events that led to my new found faith, but I would say that my sisters trip to St. George back in May was monumental for me-- particularly the conversations I had with my dad and my little sister Cindy.  Without going into too much detail, I will say that not only do I believe in God and know that He is real and knows us personally, but I believe in dark and evil forces.  I know that Satan is real and he knows me personally and I can tell you that he has truly been trying to keep me from understanding how important my role is as a wife and a mother.  I didn't realized it at the time because I actually never felt sad or discouraged.  In fact, I felt rather smart for asking questions and challenging my faith.  To me it seemed like the noble and right path to follow.  I felt empowered knowing that I could do what I wanted and I felt like a better person and a good mother trying to keep my kids from becoming brainwashed like I wondered if I had been.  But that is exactly what the Adversary wanted me to feel.  Had I felt sad or dark or unhappy, I would have prayed my way out of it or turned for ways to find more peace in my life.  Instead I became more and more distant from God.

Of course, I don't have everything figured out, but I after having gone through such a long period of questioning my beliefs and testimony, not only do I sympathize and understand what others are going through who leave their religion, but I feel that much more grateful to my husband for being willing and able to talk through some really tough conversations.  We never argued about it, never distanced ourselves from each other and I truly have so much more respect and love for the way he handled my questions.. because I am sure I wouldn't have been as patient or understanding had the roles been reversed.

Fast forward to today.  I woke up at 6 am (after only 3 hours of sleep) with so much love and excitement for my family and for the opportunity we had to attend church together.  We have been members of the Coronado Ward for 7.5 years now and although it's a completely different area than when we moved in, our love for the people is the same.  I absolutely love my ward family and will feel so sad to leave (yes, we are moving soon.)

So anyway, I woke up and recruited my early-bird partner in crime (Zack) to help me with breakfast.  Roma woke up too and the three of us cooked up an amazing breakfast before 8:30 church.  We had bacon and eggs and biscuits and hash browns on the table before the rest of the family woke up.  Getting six kids dressed in their Sunday best was easy and we pulled up to the church early so I could do a few things for my calling before sacrament meeting started.

I had both girls on my lap during the sacrament and Roma had such a good time feeding Eden her first piece of bread and small cup of water. My girls are my everything and I had to steal Aaron's phone to take a quick selfie. They remained on my lap during the first talk (which was about the blessings of the temple) and it was inspiring.  So inspiring that I needed to take notes and was somehow able to write down an entire page full of quotes and thoughts and bullet points.  By the time she finished, I was in tears, full of gratitude to be there with my sweet family.  I also felt empowered because my soul testified of the light and truth that was spoken.

today, around 9am.

me holding Roma,  Ro holding Eden. 

Eden wishing she was peacefully asleep in her carseat.

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The intermediate hymn was a choir made up of the Priesthood holders in our ward.. all of the boys and men 12 years and older.  Ben was already on the stand sitting next to the Bishop, so he found his place in the middle of the crowd, front and center.  Aaron was on the far side (in front of our family) and loving looked in my direction as tears streamed down my face.  It was such a powerful song.  The image of Ben standing in the middle of this incredible group of men will be forever etched in my memories.  He was at least a foot shorter than everyone around him.  He looked so young and yet so old at the same time.  I know that he will be growing leaps and bounds in the next few years, physically, spiritually and mentally.  I felt that my responsibility as his mother is no longer as important as it once was.  I did not feel sad or homesick for the days when he was younger.  I felt so excited for him and proud of the man that he has become.  As they sang the primary song "We'll Bring the World His Truth" (Army of Helaman) I pictured Ben and all of my boys as missionaries, heading out into the world, spreading light and truth to those who are looking for more peace in their lives.  I am so grateful for my sons.  How did I get so lucky to have four right in a row?  And that husband of mine could not have looked more handsome in his suit on the stage.  Being a mother and wife to my family has been more rewarding and fulfilling than I ever thought possible.  *If you haven't heard this song, here is a youtube video (our song today was only in one language..)  If I would have had my phone, I would have snapped a picture of my sweet Benjamin singing these words.

The final speaker was our incredible Primary President.  She has only been in the ward a short while but served as my visiting teacher during the times that I was struggling (and also serving as relief society president, imagine that.) This dear sweet sister is so inspired and probably has no idea how much she has blessed my life.  I truly love her and her family... and I need to tell her in person!  But she is so full of joy and happiness and spoke about how temples bless families (the primary theme this year is Families Are Forever.)  Her talk was simple and profound.  Tears continued to flow as I listened to her inspired words and thought about how much I love being a part of a family.  There is so much heartbreak going on with women in the LDS church and what their role is in our religion.  I completely and 100% understand where they are coming from because I am a strong woman and I want my voice to be heard.  I am all about empowering women and young girls and I do know there needs to be more equality in religions and in the world for women.  I get it.  But I also believe that the most powerful thing we can EVER do as women is be a righteous example in the home.  There is nothing more important than making a home a comfortable place to live.  Yes, I am talking about doing the dirty work that can seem so degrading at times-  the cleaning, cooking, washing laundry, tending to sick children, putting on band-aids, supporting and serving your husband.  There is no man that can make a house a home like a loving wife can, no matter how hard he tried.  And there is no woman that could provide and protect and preside like a good husband.  Our roles are very different and very important.  Is it fair or equal?  Probably not, but it wasn't meant to be.  And I know we are empowered as we realize our sacred roles in the home and in the world.  There are many days where I wish I could be making a difference in the work force, or in the decision-making positions in the church, but I know that I was blessed with a unique ability to care, prepare to serve and to teach my children.  As wonderful as my husband is, he can't nurture my children like I can.  It's taken me a long time to understand my role in the home and I am sure I have many more lessons ahead of me, but today I felt grateful for the opportunity to stay at home with my children and to serve my family day in and day out.  It's completely exhausting, everyday.  But it's so rewarding.  and the most important thing I will ever do.

Our Primary President bore her testimony of the importance of families and read the lyrics to this new song the children are learning.  I absolutely love this song.  It may sound like it was written by June Cleaver, but it speaks truth to my "woman-power" soul.

I posted the following video on my facebook page a few months ago, during a time when I wasn't sure if I had even a twig of faith in God, the scriptures, the church.  I wasn't sure about anything really and kept telling myself that I was meant for something different, something bigger.  But I did as it encourages... to act on the tiniest twig of faith... I protected it and used it to whatever extent I could and I prayed to feel some kind of direction or peace.  And I can testify that I felt an immediate difference.  I know God was just waiting for me to get on my knees and pray sincerely and desperately.  I love this short clip for many reasons and still cannot watch it without crying.  God will not forsake us.  He is aware of us and is proud of us for making progress in a life that sometimes seems too hard to handle. I also love the full talk this was taken from and encourage anyone who has an extra 20 minutes to listen to it.  It can be found HERE.



And now I am going to post one more video-- because it needs to be shared.  This song is amazing that this young girl's talent is unbelievable.  I have listened and cried to this song more times that I can count.  I think we all have times in our lives when we don't know where else to go and wonder if God actually hears our prayers.  Sometimes He doesn't answer right away and usually He answers in ways that are not the way we want or expect.  But I do believe He hears and answers. Someday I will sit down my children and tell them that there were times in my life when I struggled and wondered if God was real.  I will testify that He heard my prayers and if there is ever a time where they feel lost or afraid that God will be there for them too.

Robin Williams

It's so interesting that my last post (months ago) was about Mrs. Doubtfire.  Our family went through a huge Robin Williams kick the summer of his death.  The news of his suicide affected me deeply.  I have so much love for this man who I have never met.  I don't know him or his family or anything about his life.  But I truly love him.  I don't judge him for taking his own life.  I do NOT believe he will go to hell.  I believe in a loving God who is the only one who knows his situation and circumstances.  And I believe he is in a better place.  I feel deeply for those who knew him personally.  I can only imagine the kind of influence he had on them, when he was such a light and source of good for millions of strangers.  I hope they can find the peace to get through this heartbreaking experience.

If anything, his death has taught me to love deeper, to laugh more often, to play and connect with my children and family members and friends.  And to reach out to those who cross my path.  There are so many who suffer silently.  I want to be more help to them, but those who need the most help don't ask for it.  So that means, we have to treat everyone with care and understanding and empathy.  It's so important that we show love everyday to those we know and those we pass on the street because we need each other. So much more than we realize.

 One of my favorite movies of all time is "What Dreams May Come".  From the first moment I saw it, back in high school, it pierced me.  I love the colors, the depth, the raw emotion, and the powerful love that this family has for one another, specifically the relationship he has with his wife in the story. I haven't had the strength to watch it since his death, because I don't have enough tissues in my house.  But I plan to watch it soon with my children.  I have spent the past few weeks talking to them about depression, about suicide and that having money does NOT bring happiness, although sometimes we think it could solve any problem.  But mostly I've been talking to them about love and hope and laughter.  We need more of it in our lives.  and we need each other.

I believe Robin's spirit is alive and that he is still learning and growing.  I hope he understands the impact he had on millions of people.  I hope he knows that he brought laughter and happiness into my life.. and I am grateful to him for giving me opportunities to connect with my children through his movies and through the conversations we've had since his death.  Robin, I love you and I truly hope you are able to find rest and peace.

sisters

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therapy and climbing

I slept this morning from about 6-9am.  I woke up feeling good and kind of forgot about the fact that I posted a looong rant on my blog a few hours earlier.  Sometimes I wonder what my voice sounds like on the other end... because it feels so good to write, the words just come off the ends of my fingertips, but I wonder if it sounds like I am having a personal breakdown or something.

The thing I realized when I woke up is that blogging/journaling/writing is my therapy.  When life is good, there will be lots of my thoughts to show it.  When I don't post often, I am having some inner turmoil of some kind.  I don't feel the turmoil when I write, it's a release.  It leaves my mind and I figure out my answers by the end of the post (or I am closer to the answers from when I started.)  It's such a healing thing, expressing my thoughts.  I am never really looking to change my reader or persuade them to think or feel a certain way.  I am changing myself through the process.

My best friend Jane and I have therapy sessions through skype.  We don't have them as often as we should but both of us are qualified to give therapy to the other because each of us know how to listen and how to uplift and how to inspire.  We don't solve each other's problems.  We just allow the other to talk it through and figure out their own answers while talking.  It's amazing.  We used to give that to each other in person on a daily basis and now we have resorted to skype because just talking on the phone isn't enough.  I have a feeling that she gets her therapy through writing too..  I need to tell her to start blogging more and feeling less :)  jk.  the feelings come, but when they are put into actual words, they leave my head.  come what may, the thoughts are out in the universe.

I want to become a real therapist when I grow up.  Writing that out looks hilarious because I am basically in the middle of a mid-life crisis.  Not a scary one, just one that shakes up your regular routine and makes you put the pieces back together one by one.  Right now my pieces to life are scattered and all I am clinging onto are 1) my inner compass 2) my family 3) my faith.  It feels safe to leave everything by the wayside until these three things lead me to a place where I can pick up the pieces.

No matter what we go through, especially the difficult times will give us perspective in another area in our life.  Maybe it will take us years to climb the mountain and see the view, but eventually we will see it and appreciate it for the beauty it brings into our lives.  I am climbing right now.  It feels steep and exhausting at times and I can only see where to place my feet right now, I don't see anything ahead.  And I am not on a clear path.  I am free climbing up the back of a mountain.  But I really am enjoying the climb, for the most part.  I realize that it is stretching me and making me stronger.  I know that any adversity or tough experience will make my kids stronger too.  I've watched them flourish as we've uprooted them and moved them from my parents to my sisters basement.  New ward, new friends, new sleeping arrangements.  Very little toys or clothes, no other personal belongings.  This could be tragic for some teenagers, but my kids are also enjoying the climb and learning to work as a team and support one another through our adjustments.  I've leaned a lot on my husband over the past year, but for the most part, I've done all of my own climbing alone.  He has his own path to climb and as we fulfill our own separate roles, we will be at the top for each other, enjoying the view and feeling grateful we had each other to lean on, but feeling proud we made the climb alone.

I'm signing off to go to chemo with my best friend and mountain climber Francine.  She is a warrior climber if I've ever met one.  She's scaled some doozies in her young life and I can't wait to hear about the view she sees on life.  I feel her power when I am around her and I am inspired to be a better version of myself just by watching her climb.  Someday I am going to share with you why she's my hero.

thoughts over middle-of-the-night oatmeal

it's 4 am on a Wednesday and I am awake with my Roma girl.  I don't know why she's up, but she's talking and cuddling up to me while I type.  She's been awake for an hour and I can't seem to relax her, so now I am going to see if the light of the computer will make her eyes sleepy... (We moved out of the bedroom and into the kitchen to try this 'experiment.')

Ro's sleeping habits have been strange the past few months, to say the least.  She comes into our bed almost every night.  She says odd things and she wants to play Legos with "the guys" or wake up Eden so they can hold their dolls and play house.  A few times I've caught her in Eden's room, throwing toys in her playpen while Eden sleeps.  Roma will walk the halls peacefully and usually doesn't complain about anything in particular, she just wants to be awake.

This past hour as I've been up with her, I've been thinking about the thoughts and experiences we've had since she was born and I can't make sense of any of them.  I truly believe in inspiration.  I believe in revelation.  I believe in God and I believe He gives us tender-mercies, warnings, hints, and messages that are specifically meant for us at times that are not coincidental.  But sometimes, on nights like these when I am trying to make sense of things, I wonder if we just make up crazy scenarios in our heads and then dramatize them into something they are not.  So-- I'm about to get real personal and share with you some of the spiritual/crazy thoughts I've had since Roma was born.  You might relate or you might think I am totally delusional.  Tonight I feel like it's time to write about it.

Roma's birth was out of this world.  And when I say that, I mean it.  It was so painful and so amazing that I can't even put into words what happened to me.  I've tried to explain what happened in earlier posts, so I am not going to recap it.  I just want to say that labor with her changed me and I've never been the same since.  I mean this in a good way.  I am a better mother because she came into my world.

Before she was born, just minutes before she took her first breath, I was afraid she was going to die.  I was praying my guts out because that's all I could do to get through the moment, so in my silent prayer I asked if she was going to be okay.  The thought came that yes! she would be born perfect and healthy and at the same time that thought came, I also understood that she wouldn't live a long life.  Call me crazy, but even before she was born, I wondered if she would pass away as a toddler.  Often I talked myself out of that feeling because from an eternal perspective, we all live short lives.

I never talked about this with my husband because Aaron doesn't experience life like I do.  99% of him would think that I was crazy and that last 1% of him might freak out.  I never freaked out about it or worried too much, but I did think about it everyday.  I allowed the thought of losing her propel me to be a better mother, to cherish my time with my children and try to focus on what was important.  We took a week to name her and I kept holding out for Roma.  She was born on my Grandma's birthday afterall.  Aaron wanted to name her Gwendolyn... because what if she hated the name Roma when she grew up?   Something inside me felt like she would never be an adult Roma, so I fought for it and when she was 7 days old, we named her Roma Gwendolyn and it fits her perfectly.  She has grown into the most beautiful Roma and everywhere we go people ask about her name.  I love to tell them she was named after my Grandma.

When Ro was a baby, I told one of my dearest friends that I thought she might not live a long life.  Suzanne is a friend who believes in revelation the same way I do and I knew I could trust her with my birthing story insights.  Suzanne was going through her own amazing story of inspiration as her daughter was about to be diagnosed with leukemia.  Their family's faith-promoting story can be found here.  Suzanne is the only person I opened up to about Roma's birth experience, until a few months ago.

Last August (the 26th to be exact) we held a special family night and introduced the theme for our new school year.  I thought long and hard about this year's theme "light and truth" and I prepared a very special dinner and lesson complete with flashlights and a treasure hunt for the kids.  At the end of our "not back to school" celebration, Aaron gave us each a priesthood blessing.  There was a very special feeling in our home that night.  Almost (do I dare say) as tender as the day Roma was born.

Simon was first up for the blessings because he's an aggressive soul.  I wrote down the words to each of the kids blessings but didn't realize until later that Aaron blessed Simon with safety five different times.  It should have felt odd, but he's an active little boy, so he needs extra safety.  At the end of the blessing Aaron said, "angels will place a shield of protection around you so that you will not be harmed and you will be able to fulfill your mission on the earth."  Okay.  kind of odd, but not so much.

Roma hopped up next and she sat so perfectly still on that big chair, squeezing her eyes shut.  Aaron placed his hands on her head and said her name and then... nothing.  Long pause.  It was silent while we all sat there, waiting for him to say something, anything.  When he spoke her told her that she would be going through trials and tribulation and that she would need her fighting and determined spirit.  He also said that many people would be praying for her, even those who did not know her personally.  And then he ended it as soon as he could.  I was scribbling down notes as fast as I could and then when I looked up at Aaron after Roma got off the chair, he shrugged his shoulders at me.

Zack's blessing was special and said others would be influenced by his happy and optimistic personality and that his testimony would grow this year.

Luke's was unique to him as well and said his strength and steadiness would help his family and that he should turn to the scriptures for answers and direction.

Ben's blessing was heartbreaking for me.  I don't know if I was building up emotion and making it more than what it was, but the entire blessing gave him counsel on where to find happiness if he felt sad.  Ben is a very happy kid, so this bothered me.  Why would he be sad or upset or looking for peace?  I almost felt like the blessing was directed at someone suffering with depression or something.  It didn't sit well with me.

My blessing was the last.  I was so apprehensive about it.  This whole experience was so bizzarre.  We get blessings from Aaron every year (or more frequent) and never before had anything like this occurred.  It was odd because I wasn't expecting it, but at the same time, I was.  I was so prepared for that night... the dinner, the music, the lesson, the pen and paper ready to take notes..  It was like I knew something was coming.  Okay, so I sit down and didn't take notes on what Aaron said to me, but I remember word for word.

The first sentence of my blessing said, "Janet, there is a host of angels surrounding you, ready and willing to support you during this time in your life, when life will get too difficult to bear on your own."  Tears, immediately.  Thoughts of not just death, but having something worse happen to my children-- like kidnapping (is there anything worse than not knowing where your child is?) My blessing was loooong filled with these kinds of phrases and I wanted it to end as soon as possible.  But he continued by saying that God wanted me to share my experiences with others and that I need to continue to journal my feelings and start blogging again.  Yes, my husband told me to start blogging in a blessing, so that's direct proof it wasn't from his own words.  He also told me that I should focus on what is important and count my blessings.  When he finished up the blessing I had a thought come to my mind.  It told me to sell everything I owned.  say what?  I had an actual thought or voice come to my mind that said, "Anything you own will be a burden to you."  I believed it was direct revelation.

After the blessings Aaron didn't say a word to me.  Not one word.  He went to bed without dessert and told the kids he wasn't feeling well.  The little kids were unaware of what was going on and happily ate their ice cream.  But Luke was concerned and Ben immediately started panicking.  He told the younger kids that we had to be careful, no matter what and that everyone needed to wear their seatbelts whenever we went anywhere.  When it was time for bed, the older boys didn't want to sleep in their room, they wanted to move mattresses in the loft and sleep together.  I stayed awake that entire night, looking and my kids and wondering what was ahead.

The next day Aaron and I were able to talk about the experience.  I am not going to journal what he felt, but he did tell me that when he went to say (what he wanted to say) for Roma's blessing, his tongue was tied.  That would explain the long pause.  He didn't know what her blessing meant, but he believed she would be facing a physical trial, like sickness and possibly death.  I told him that during her blessing, I saw a picture of Roma asleep with tubes in her nose.  We both felt peaceful and totally weirded out at the same time.  We prayed for safety and direction every morning and night.

The next day I sold the girls crib.  It was a beautiful white crib I bought and intended to keep (Eden was only 4 months old and was still sleeping in it) but I felt it needed to be sold.  I also listed all of our furniture.. tables, couches, bedroom furniture, toys, you name it.  We had everything gone within the following weeks as we slept with our mattresses on the floor and got our house ready to put on the market.  I kept only the essentials.. the clothes that the kids were currently wearing.  I got rid of most of our holiday items.. Easter baskets, Halloween costumes, all the extra decor that I put up every year.  I kept our Christmas stockings and a few favorite ornaments and then everything else went to donations.  I kept none of Roma's old clothes, even though I thought Eden would grow into them.  I felt like it was the right thing to do.  Was I being a crazy mom?  Maybe, but I didn't feel crazy.  I was emotional during the discarding process but only because my family meant so much to me and my belongings didn't.  The more I got rid of, the more peace I felt.

One night I did go a little crazy.  Aaron and I were on a date with the girls and we went shopping for a new carseat.  Roma's carseat is not expired or old, but I just wanted a new one.  I wanted the best, safest, most secure carseat ever invented.  I kept reading all the reviews at the store and comparing every feature and I felt a little shaky and nauseous.  We ended up buying the most expensive one and I cried on the way home.  The next morning, I returned it realizing that I acted out of panic and I didn't want to feel or behave that way anymore.  If I could remain calm and collected, I usually felt peace about it all.

Aaron was always calm and collected when we talked about it.  In September, when we spent labor day weekend with his family in AZ, we stayed up late one night and told his siblings about our experience.  I kind of felt dumb talking about it out loud because it sounded even crazier verbalized.  But his siblings were so sweet and supportive and (what could they say, really) but I felt like it was cathartic for Aaron.  I also told my parents and siblings and close friends to me.  I emailed a few of my journal entries out to few friends who I trusted.  Throughout this whole experience I kept a very detailed journal, but I didn't feel comfortable blogging about it.

*pause* My sweet girl just asked for some oatmeal....  and it's almost 5 am, so why not?

We're back and Roma's tummy is full of blueberry oatmeal.  We've been hanging out in the kitchen on my favorite table, the only piece of furniture I kept from the move.  Why did I keep it when I sold everything else?  Not sure.  Part of me felt guilty for keeping it.  But I love it so much,  and it would have been hard to give away...  Anyway..

Here we are 8 months later.  How do we feel about the last 8 months?  Grateful.  grateful, grateful, grateful.  I have no idea if something tragic ever will happen to my children.  If it does, I will feel grateful for the time we've spent together as a family.  We've cherished these past 8 months.  If nothing ever happens, I will only feel gratitude.  Every night we go to sleep saying prayers of thanksgiving.  We have everything we need.

I wonder if our "crazy" decisions to buy a bus or to turn down perfectly well-paying jobs have been influenced by the odd experiences we've had over the past few months.  I guess we will never know where we would have been had we not had a bizarre back-to-school night.  I would like to think that I would still own a bus and that Aaron would still be building his own office, but who knows.  We could be back in our home, plugging through life like we had been the past 8 years.  I am so glad we're not doing that, even though what we're doing now is so uncertain and up in the air.

What I do know is that we don't go to bed paranoid that something will happen to our family.  We live basically the same way, while trying to put the most important things at the top of our to-do lists.  A perfect example of this type of living is making my daughter a bowl of oatmeal in the middle of the night.  I could have spent some time talking her out of being hungry at 5 am or I could go in the kitchen and have a moment with her, watching her stick out her tongue while she stirs in a cube of ice because it's too hot.  I wouldn't have taken a picture of it had I not been in the middle of a blog post, but I want you to be here with me in this moment.  It's not panic or stress or worry or fear.  I feel peace in my heart knowing that I am doing the most important thing (EVER) just by being with my child and watching her.  I feel the same kind of love toward each of my children and it's an amazing feeling to be in the moment, not stressing about what is not in the moment.  Right now everything is just fine and for that I am grateful.

So now, I am going to get even more personal and tell you about some other feelings I've been having.  Part of me wants to pretend that we don't receive spiritual direction.  I want to tell myself that I am making it all up in my head because I don't WANT to do hard things.  But the other part of me is worried that if I don't do what I feel, I might miss out on something wonderful.  So, here's my delimma.

I want to be done having children.  I am 35.  I have 6 kids.  We have the perfect thing going on here.  Four handsome boys with two sweet little cherries on top.  I knew that if Eden was a girl, we would be d.o.n.e.  done.  But I feel in my spiritual heart that we should welcome more children into our family.  Yes, I said children, not child.  I want to be done so badly because I don't do pregnancy well.  I want to be done because our income is minimal and our medical insurance is crap.  I want to be done so I can be adventurous and travel with my kids and not be puking on the side of the road while driving a bus.  I want to be done because I hold on to pregnancy weight like it's going out of style.  I am still nursing my one year old and I want to be done nursing all babies because nursing isn't that great for me.  I want to be done having kids so they can grow up and I can go back to school and get my masters degree.  I want to make my own decisions and if I could plan out my life right now, we would be done.

But what my brain wants and what my gut tells me are too different things.  How can I logically welcome another baby into this crazy life of ours?  Can't we just do what we want to do?  I don't really feel like I can without feeling rebellious.  Not against God, necessarily, but against my gut.  And you know, whenever I follow my gut amazing things happen.  I married Aaron because I knew it was the right thing to do.  All logical thinking persuaded me otherwise.  Was it inspiration?  I know it was because I wasn't smart enough to make a decision like that, not at that time in my life.  What does my husband say about spiritual revelation?  He believes in it and he thinks having more kids is a great idea.  I wish he felt otherwise.

So here's where I need your advice.  What do you do when your torn between what seems like the smart thing to do and what feels like the right thing to do?   When I feel torn, I sit on it for a long time.  I've been sitting on this dilemma since we brought Eden home from the hospital.  Oh, yes I had feelings there were more children the day after she was born..  Getting pregnant again would be the hardest thing for me to do in my 35 years so far.  So I am still waiting until I feel the leap of faith to take the jump or until I rationally talk myself out of it.

But I'm a feeler.  Everything I do has to feel right (in my gut) and I think the underlying "problem" for me is that when I follow spiritual promptings I feel peace.  I think I am stupid, but I feel good inside.  Buying a bus?  That was an easy thing to do because my heart and my head were in the same place.. it took very little faith or courage at all.  I felt SO GOOD the day I decided to go for it and when I paid for it and when I drove it home.  I definitely second-guessed myself later, but I felt so peaceful and good inside when I moved forward.  So it's confusing!!  Sorting out all "promptings" when you have very little evidence or proof that they are coming from a higher source, that's scary stuff.  I don't want you to talk me into or out of having another baby (or into buying a new carseat for my daughter) I just want to know how you do things that scare you...  How do you sort out what is just random thoughts or what is inspiration?  That's the question I am thinking about tonight as my darling daughter sleeps on my lap.  The blueberry oatmeal must have hit the spot.