the night everything changed for me

I love puzzles.  The bigger the puzzle, the more satisfaction when it's finally complete.  Right now, I am putting together a huge imaginary puzzle, the puzzle of my life.  Only problem is for the past two years, I've been missing so many pieces.  For a while there, I thought I was putting together several different puzzles mixed into one box and it sucked!  But my puzzle is bigger than I expected and all of the pieces belong together, just not sure where, yet. The past couple of years has been frustrating, but the border is coming together and it's starting to get exciting and intriguing. I cannot wait to see what eventually happens with it, I'm so excited about it that I can hardly sleep anymore.  I know it will be turn out beautiful and tender and emotional and so much fun to figure it out!  There are no missing pieces anymore.  I still don't know where or how they connect, but they all belong.

One of the mysteries we've been trying to solve is where to live.  Why has this been such a hard battle for us?  I don't know.  It's easy for people to make decisions like this and always has been for us in the past.  But for the past 2 years, it's been a huge challenge.. we've depleted our savings moving here and there and here and there again.  Opening your own firm in two different states in the middle of the moves is not cheap either, so it's all been so annoying!  Aaron and I have been in the same boat with how we felt-- and the best way I can describe it is that we didn't feel like we belonged where we were.  It's a terrible thing to feel, not belonging where you are.  It stayed with us no matter where we went and it was awful.  I'm so grateful to have moved past this experience.  and now I can write about it without crying.  jk.  I've haven't been very emotional.  Numb is more like it.  and confused and unsure of my own words.  Still not sure if I can explain it properly, but I'll give it a shot.

The moment I stopped feeling like I didn't belong where I was and started to feel like I always belong exactly where I am was somewhere in the middle of Las Vegas and Salt Lake City, around 2 am on a cold January night.  Just a few weeks ago.  Since that cold evening, my life has changed dramatically.

I'll try to paint the picture a little better with what was happening in that moment.  Over the Christmas Holidays Aaron was offered a couple of awesome job opportunities in warmer areas.  One of them was with an amazing firm in Vegas.  It's not even funny how opportunities pop up in the cities we are not living in, but that's been part of our puzzle recently.  So we seriously considered moving back.  It took about three weeks to process the decision. The last time I was in a place where I felt like I belonged, I was in Vegas, so I wanted to move back.  Aaron wanted to stay in Utah, even though turning down this job would be really, really difficult. We included our kids in the tough decision because that's how we parent.  Each one of our kids wanted to move back, except for Ben.  We wanted to find the perfect solution and talk about all of the different scenarios and nothing seemed right.  We couldn't make the best of both worlds and that was hard. 

It was the weekend of Zack's birthday and he was missing his friends and I just realized that we needed to go back to Vegas to visit.  We needed to go and it needed to be tomorrow.  There was no thought process whatever, we just needed to go.  I called my bff, she said "come on down!" (that's why she's my bff.)  And so I woke up in the morning, threw a few outfits, toothbrushes and pillows in the van and we left.  Ben and Aaron decided to stay (because they wanted to stay) and I left with my five little kids in a snow storm.  I didn't think about weather before I got in the car and it was bad!  But it was also good!  I love to be spontaneous and it didn't matter what came my way.  I almost stopped half way and checked into a hotel because the roads in Cedar were so scary... and my windshield wipers were broken!!  But we just took it real slow and enjoyed our drive.  

Zack and Luke each got to pick an activity in Vegas that we HAD to do that weekend.  We chose to take friends to the Coca-Cola and M&M store and then also hit a favorite park.  Those were the only items on our must-do list, easy enough.  I also wanted to walk through a few rental homes just.in.case Aaron decided he wanted to move back.  Because if we moved back, it would have been Feb 1st and that was only two weeks away.

We had the most fabulous weekend.  Taking the kids (and their friends) on the strip was almost as crazy as driving 400 miles in the snow.  I didn't bring a stroller for Eden and we walked a million miles and we were all hungry and everyone besides me was a child.  But it was oh so fun and I remembered what it was like to be the old me who would take kids to the strip just because we felt like it.  I was so at home.

After the strip we went to the park and it was freezing cold but not as cold as Utah so it was warm!  I sat there in our favorite spot, watching my favorite kids play with their best friends and then my friends started showing up.  You guys, it was so weird.  If I had been smart enough to call my four closest people in Vegas to tell them to meet me at the park, I would have called these friends.  But I didn't do that and they showed up anyway.  At first it was just a silly coincidence but by the time the fourth showed up (with her camera to scope out the park for a photo shoot) I had to take a picture.  I wish I could have gotten Kelly in the shot, but this will have to do.  I love these ladies with all of my heart.

The next day was Zack's birthday and he was SO happy to be staying and his best buddies house.  Luke, Simon and Eden came with me to look at a few houses while Roma and Zack went to church with Jane and her kids.  It was a pretty quick trip, but Simon and Luke were hungry.  I told them after we walked through the house, I'd stop to grab something.  We end up going to this random Subway in the middle of nowhere and really, the whole situation was odd.  It was a Sunday, we should have gone through a drive-through because Eden had just barfed and I had to change her back into her pjs.  I wasn't eating, so I should have just sent in Luke with money (totally typical of me.)  But I parked, I went inside with everyone and guess who was there?  Aaron's old favorite secretary who just-so-happens to be the new secretary of the new office where he was considering taking a position.  She was just the exact person I needed to see.  And the first thing she said was that she was dying to talk to me.  She is so darling and we were able to chat and talk about our dilemma in moving and the new job offer and it was no coincidence whatsoever.   

To have such serendipitous moments back-to-back on such a spontaneous trip (after feeling like I was never where I belonged for the past 18 months) was significant for me.  Like, huge.  I spent my Sunday service at Calico Basin where my heart always longs to be and it was a perfect day.  That night, we had birthday cake for Zack surrounded by our favorite friends and it was so special.  Later, I watched the sun go down in the desert sky and it was all I needed out of Vegas.  I knew it was time to go back to my husband and my oldest and leave the city I loved.

I packed up my kids after the sun went down and started to drive back home.  I can't tell you why I did that exactly (insert: I'm crazy) but I just knew I needed to make that drive in the dark.  I was so full of love and gratitude and I knew my kids would sleep the entire drive and I really needed the time to think and it was just the right thing to do.  I called Aaron to tell him I was on my way back with the kids and he laughed and supported me and talked to me for the first hour or so.  I told him about my quick trip, and all the people I love and the city that was always so good to us, and the sunset.  Only Aaron knows how much I truly love a desert sunset.  I hung up with him and cried happy tears.  It feels so good to leave a city you love.  I have so much appreciation for who I became while living there and for what I learned while moving away.  But ahead of me was my future.  And even though the drive was 6 hours, I could see the lights of my destination on the horizon, as if it was only minutes away.  I knew that it would be a smooth and quick drive and that everything I was looking for was within reach.  Those 6 hours literally felt like 20 minutes.  

On that quiet dark drive, I processed everything.  I cried a little, but mostly I thought about my experience in Vegas and asked myself why I loved it so. I came to the conclusion that I loved it because I wanted to love it.  I chose it with my whole heart.  I found beauty in the people, in the scenery, in my home, in the memories my family made together.  I loved everyday there.  And I can love every day here, if I choose to.  That moment I chose to return to myself.  I reconnected with that person who loved her life, someone who found humor in every moment and who made total strangers her best friend and who lost her breath in nature and who genuinely enjoyed life.  I missed her and she was always inside of me.  I apologized to myself for not recognizing it sooner and I forgave myself immediately.  And then I laughed and drove and looked forward to what was coming.  My bed, my house, my husband, my extended family, my future.

Since that day I've been happy every day.  Every single day I have been able to reconnect with that deep part of myself who genuinely loves life.  I enjoy my alone time and I absolutely love my time with friends and family.  I find beauty in everything around me.  The mountains, the trees, the grass the sunsets (they are still just as beautiful, believe it or not.)  I love my friends in Vegas so deeply, but there is room enough in my heart for everyone and I know I have close friends who've I've never met.  I look for them in everyone.  I seek out the good and I am so grateful for what I find.  I belong where I am, no matter where I go.

With that said, we still don't know where we will end up, but it doesn't matter anymore.  I have zero stress or frustration or confusion.  I am putting the pieces together one by one and until we have it all figured out, I am completely and totally enjoying the journey.  I've decided to coach other people out of their frustrating situations because I've always had the tools to get myself out, I just wasn't sure how to use those tools.  I see so much power in myself, which allows me to see so much power and potential in everyone.  I truly cannot see another human or animal or be in nature and NOT feel this burst of energy fill my soul.  It's like electricity that makes me want to jump out of bed in the morning.  I love being me and I love where I am in this beautiful experience we call life.  

It's now midnight and my silly girls (who are now adjusting to sleeping in the same bed) are finally asleep, so I am going to cuddle in my own bed with my husband.  More than ever, I am head over heels in love.  I will have to document later about all of the many times Aaron held it together when I did not.  And my cute kids... I will update all about them soon.  They are my whole world and I can't wait to mug on their freckled faces tomorrow.

If you are reading this, know that you have a purpose and that you have all of the tools you need.  Sometimes it's hard to see it.  If you are struggling to love yourself or your life or your spouse or your job or position, I am so sorry.  I've been there.  If you need someone to talk to, please comment or email me or text me anytime.  I would love to chat and walk with you.  Your future is so bright and your destination is closer than you realize.  xoxo.

ps.  quick side note about the pictures I posted of myself.  I have been in funk for a long time and you would think I would be ashamed of what I look like-- chubby, no makeup, messy hair, just all around slobby looking.  But I am not ashamed whatsoever.  That girl (me) went through some really rough, dark times and she came away so much stronger and better. I'm really proud of her and I love her exactly the way she is.