born to be a superstar

The other day a friend shared this short video on facebook and I looove stuff like this.  I mean, it's only been a little over a year since I've been practicing this kind of thinking.  I believe I've always been an active optimist or positive thinker, but I was always worried about doing what is "right" rather than creating what I wanted.  I would often wait until I knew for sure what to do and now I move forward in whatever direction feels good and trust that what I need will come to me at the right time..  To me, this feels so natural.  For as long as I can remember, I've always felt like a superstar... I mean, I am totally average and I still have so much I can improve on.  But I can pull out an inner superstar when I need her... and that's everyday at some point.  I am getting better and better at staying in that mindset all day.. I am specifically referring to Lady Gaga's short segment in this video.

My Simon was also born this way.  He comes across as super arrogant and thinks that he does everything well.. you can't convince him otherwise.  I wondered if putting him in school would crush this personality trait because he's totally behind in reading (we thought he was dyslexic, but I think he's just not interested yet.) But school has only made him more confident in himself.  I think he realizes he's a bit of an underdog in his classroom, but he doesn't care one bit.  He focuses on what he's good at and stays positive and upbeat.  He does his own work 100% and never wants help (why would he need help?) and he brings home some pretty ugly projects.  I feel bad that we laugh at him and his school work, but it's just amazing to me that he stays confident.  He gets that from me-- I was born arrogant and I still am.

I keep waiting for Sciatica to humble me.  I'm not saying it hasn't brought out some serious frustration.  So many people feel bad for me or say how sorry they are that I am going through this.  But I don't feel bad for myself and I don't feel sorry that I am experiencing this.  Yes, it totally sucks.  But it's kind of awesome too.  This is the most pain I've ever experienced.  It's pain that cannot be treated with medicine.  It feels like my leg is on fire 24/7.  It doesn't go away when I sleep, and it's always worse if I try to do anything.  Standing for more than an hour and sitting in a hard chair for more than 30 minutes makes the pain almost unbearable.  But it hasn't killed me, and it won't.  I am a freaking superstar.  I have been able to separate my body from my spirit and realize that nothing can keep me down.  I definitely feel down, but I don't stay there.  I fight every single day.  I wake up with the best intentions.  Most mornings I tell myself that I am going to knock it out of the park.  I don't usually... and a lot of evenings I feel totally defeated because I wasn't able to do what I set out to do (even when my goals were so minuscule, like showering and getting dressed... or running one simple errand and I wasn't able to do it.)  But I wake up the next day with a new hope and a renewed desire to get better.  I have explored every possible option.  And I am not giving up until I am better.  I may have to deal with this the rest of my life and that's okay too.  I can handle it.  I am so much stronger than I thought I was.  I may be weak physically and completely unproductive (according to my old standards) but mentally and emotionally I am better than I have ever been.

Last year (or maybe 18 months ago) I went to a three day conference where I left my kids at home all day to fend for themselves.  Ben was 14 and Eden was 1.  Each night I came home from the conference to sleep.. and my house was clean, dinner was on the table without a lot of fuss or planning, the kids got their homework and chores done with ease and it felt so good!  At the end of the conference, I decided to become a parenting coach because I knew that I could help others create a better atmosphere at home.  It's been awesome and I love each of my clients and their kids.  I know I've helped them in significant ways and it feels good.

This experience with sciatica has been the ultimate test for our family.  We moved away from extended family..  Aaron is now working further from home with a busier schedule and longer hours.  My kids are now in school (which is much harder in many ways) and we've added a newborn to the mix which is never an easy adjustment.  And we are CRUSHING it in so many ways.  My kids have all stepped up to the plate and knocked it out of the park.  Each of us have different talents and strengths and we are learning to use them to make our home better.  They take care of each other and they are so extremely helpful and kind to me.  We've grown closer and even though I want to get back to my normal, every day life, I am so grateful for this experience.  Aaron hasn't needed to take any time off work.  We haven't had any outside help.  We've had a ton of visitors come through (that's been helpful in many ways, but it's also been more work.) And we've rocked it.  Yes, there has been frustration and lots of tears (mostly on my end.) but we have a stronger marriage because of it and my kids have each grown up in different ways.  I've LOVED being able to experience it and witness it.  It makes me so happy and so grateful.

I'm not out of the woods.  I am still seeking for answers and a solution.  I think it will come down to surgery (and it's been complicated trying to get insurance to pay for it without jumping through a lot of time-consuming loopholes.)  We've spent so much money on so many alternative experiments... literally thousands of dollars and it's frustrating when it hasn't helped or improved my situation.  I am just as numb and almost just as crippled as I was three months ago.  I am not crawling to the bathroom anymore, but I can't do very much.  But I still feel productive, in my own way.  I am reading and learning and growing.  I am strengthening my relationships.  I am still coaching parents and loving it.  I am a great mom and wife and that's what matters most to me.  Why hasn't anything worked or helped me?  I just don't think it's been the right time. I know I will get better.  But I also think that whatever comes my way is here to teach me and help me.  I see this as a blessing and an opportunity.  It totally sucks, but there are so many other things that are worse.  I will gladly take this over something life threatening or equally damaging to my family.  I feel like my mom when I say I wouldn't trade lives with anyone else, but I wouldn't.  My trials and obstacles are made for me.  I have so much to learn and improve and I'm looking forward to it.  My baby weight will eventually come off.  It may take me longer, but that's okay.  I would rather spend money on something else than doctors and medicine, but I'm so grateful for modern medicine and the option I have surgery and get my nerves back to normal.  Life is good and it's only going to get better.

floating down the river...

So, I've listened to two "Awesome with Alison" podcasts today (How have I not clicked on these before?) and here I am writing my second blog post.  Today is really the first day I've pulled out my laptop in three months and that in itself is unfortunate.  But anyway, I am listening to all kinds of good things and just wanted to write out what I was thinking.. Love her energy.  and btw, I totally do feel more awesome after listening.

In episode 13 (yes, totally skipping to whatever number sounds good.) Alison talks about planning an event and how magically its coming together.. she said a line that struck me.. something about how she jumped right into the river, hoping it would take her somewhere and how it feels magical.  This struck me because that's EXACTLY what mindfulness is..  it's magical.  and JUST TODAY I was talking to my sister on the phone and we were talking about how we get through hard moments.  I was telling her that my hardest moments over the past few months have always been after a doctor's appointment (because I wait up to 2 weeks to see a specialist or surgeon and then I am always let down because they want me to wait longer before moving forward.. give it some time, see another specialist, etc.  I obviously don't want to jump into surgery either, but dude, I haven't been able function.  My entire leg is numb and I feel pins and needles 24/7.)  And then often times if I am on my feet too much during the day, I will pay for it at night and feel a ton of pain before I go to sleep. anyway, this is way more complaining and less about how I cope with it.  So every night when I lay in bed and my leg is on fire and I can't get comfortable, I think of two things.  Every single night I fall asleep to these images and they have saved me.  First, I imagine myself running outside.  It's sunny, I have headphones and great music blasting and I am running as fast as I can and it feels so good.  It seems impossible at first because I can't even walk, but I imagine it until it feels real.  And then I switch to relaxation.  I relax and surrender by imagining myself in a river.  I am laying back in an innertube and the water is warm.  The sun (again) is on my face and my eyes are closed.  The river is moving, but I am not worried about where it's taking me because wherever it goes is right where I need to be.  I am not going to capsize.  I am not getting too much sun.  Everything is exactly the way it needs to be because life is working out for me.  I love this image and it's about the only vision that helps me realize that sciatica is what I need.  I don't know why I need it and I don't care.  I just need to enjoy the journey and stop asking so many questions... I don't need to rush the process and I will never end up where I am not supposed to because life is totally in my favor.  It's all working out for me.  I believe this deep down in my core and I connect with that feeling each night before I go to sleep.  It's saving me right now and allowing me to relax when no amount of pain killers will touch my numbness.  This sucks, but I am not going to go crazy.  I have moments of frustration and tears and hopelessness, but they are just moments.  They are necessary and they cleanse me, but they don't control me.  I am in control of my own emotions and life is totally in my favor.

YES or NO phase

I listened to an "awesome with Alison" podcast (episode 7) on being in a "Yes" or "No" phase.  It was my first Alison podcast... not sure why I picked out one in the middle, but I loved it and want to listen to more.  But it got me thinking about life and phases.

I have always been (or have always tried to be) a YES person.  I am definitely happiest when I can squeeze in the most fun/projects/activities/people as possible.  The best days for me have always been the most productive.  I don't really mean busy-work or errand running, I just mean a day full of meaningful things... that what productive means to me.  My emotional state has always seemed connected to how well I feel physically, because the more I can do, the better I feel.

My husband has teased me for 16 years that I am a YES MOM and he often sings the tune from Oklahoma, "I'm just a girl who cain't say no." and he sings it in a really high, annoying tone as if saying YES was a bad thing.  For him, maybe it was a bad thing (because sometimes my Yes included his participation) but for me, it's never been a bad thing because I genuinely feel better when I do more.  As a parent, I will say yes as often as I possibly can.  If I can't make it happen for my kids, I want THEM to figure out a way because life is short-- so let's make it happen if we can!  When I do say NO, my kids know I really mean it because it doesn't happen often, so no definitely means NO coming from me.

Fast forward to the past three months dealing with Sciatica and being in bed 23 hours a day for what seems like my entire life.  I can't even remember what it was like to be a YES mom.  I literally say NO to every thing that comes my way... and you know what?  It feels amazing.  I love being a NO person!!!!!  There are days where I literally get nothing done except a shower and getting dressed.  The simple basic things of life are on my someday list.  And I don't even care when that someday is... I just do what I can do and that is very little.  I am not saying that I don't want to get better or back to my everyday normal but I really don't know when that normal will be, so right now, I am in a total NO phase.  No to church, no to friends, no to anything social, no to date nights, no to everything... actually that's not true.  I don't say no to visitors and maybe I should because we've had nonstop visitors and I doubt I will say no anytime soon.  But I say yes to people coming to stay with us because it's a YES that I can say for my kids.. cousins/aunts/uncles to our house is a blast for my kids and their lives are very dull right now, so as long as they help me get ready for visitors, it's a total party.  Yes to all the parties!

So, what am I saying?  I guess that it FEELS SO GOOD to be a YES mom AND a NO mom!  because whenever you are doing the best you can, it really doesn't matter how much or how little you are doing..  I am just doing what I can and it feels good to let the rest go.  I am loving letting my life all go to pot!!! it feel so good, I will say YES later...