Happy two years, sciatica

It’s 3am and I’m awake with sciatic pain. As I tossed trying to find a comfortable position for my numb and tingling leg, it dawned on me that I hit my two year anniversary without acknowledging it had been two official years. The first year was devastating. One whole year without any feeling or sensation in my leg. One year of constant pins and needles. I couldn’t fathom it and every milestone I felt more heartbroken that I wasn’t better. Year two was much easier. The anniversary came and went without any mourning. Part of that is because my symptoms have improved (no more electrocution when I step on my foot) and part of it is because I’ve fully embraced chronic pain as a part of my life, realizing that I will be okay if I never recover. What a crazy two years it has been. I can honestly look back and say that I’m grateful for where it has taken me. Truth is, it’s hardly taken me anywhere, but it has slowed me down and turned me into a different kind of person and I like her. I absolutely love my life.

I had a hysterectomy in November. It was a good experience. Recovery was quick and easy. I was up on my feet in a couple of days and have yet to feel the slump of energy or exhaustion that they warned me about. I’ve only had two weird experiences that are still a mystery I’m hoping will work itself out. In late December I woke up in the middle of the night with the worst kind of sickness. I was nauseous and cramping and I thought I might be dying. I laid by the toilet for a couple of hours before driving myself to the ER around 2am. I was probably not well enough to drive myself but, I didn’t want to wake my husband. When you’re a constant burden to those around you, asking for more help is unbareable. Once I got on the road, I realized I didn’t have my wallet, so I drove to the hospital where I had surgery because I was pretty sure they’d admit me without ID. They did and they diagnosed me with kidney stones until the CT scan came back clear. They gave me medicine for a urinary tract infection and sent me on my way. Before the testing, nurses came to give me morphine for the pain and I turned it down because I wanted to drive myself home. After the clear CAT scan I was elated.. walking out of that hospital at 4am was one of the happiest moments of my life. I crawled into bed next to my warm husband (who didn’t realize I was gone) and fell asleep on cloud nine, no morphine needed. I was naturally high knowing I wasn’t dying.

Last weekend I started peeing blood. I passed about 25 blood clots (about the size of a quarter.. so painful!) that first morning and was able to see my doctor by the afternoon. My urine cultures came back clear but they treated me for a UTI and I’m waiting to see a urologist. Seeing my urine come out the color of cranberry juice literally freaked me out. It has since cleared and I’m hoping it’s signs of kidney stones and not something more serious.

Two years ago I was suicidal. The intensity and shock of the nerve pain was so extreme that my body was begging to die. My dreams were all about death, sometimes nightmares that would include me killing my kids so they wouldn’t have to grow up without a mom. In my dreams I would drive my van off cliffs and into lakes with everyone in their seat belts. i would wake up in a cold sweat. I was afraid to go to sleep at night. I took antidepressants and sleeping pills, but medication seemed to make my dreams more intense and lucid. My mind seemed rational during the day but at night the pain would take over and it felt like my body was begging to die. I am so grateful I was able to talk to my husband and doctors during this disturbing time. The dreams went away just before Gabe’s first birthday and I think that’s when I started to recover emotionally and physically.

I’m writing on my phone and I can’t see what I’m typing anymore. For some reason my screen won’t scroll down so I’ll stop here. Just wanted to send my blog some love and recognize that I made it two years. 24 months. 700+ days.. I legit can’t tell you what 365 + 365 = right now, but that’s how many days I’ve lived with chronic pain, all one day at a time. I should be frustrated that I can’t sleep tonight (I’ve got a full day tomorrow with little to no chance of a break) but my heart is literally so full of joy and gratitide, I needed to document it. Life is brutal and so freaking beautiful.