fhe, scripture study and hymnals

hymnal is a weird word.  hymn is a weird word.  where did it originate from?  The Greek word ὕμνος (hymnos) which means "a song of praise".  Give me a word, any word, and I will show you that the root of that word comes from Greece.  There are only two kinds of people, Greek and everyone else who wish they was Greek.  We all different, but in the end, we all fruit.  Yes, inside the lump was my twin.  That's the best I can do.  If you do not know what I am quoting, you need to get out more.  Or stay inside and watch a movie.  A big fat Greek one.

It's still Thursday, or I guess Friday now and I was laying there in bed next to Aaron all cuddled and warm with the breezy windows open and I left that comfortable spot so that I could sit in front of a laptop downstairs with the cold tile on my feet.  I have so much bottled up inside of me.  I know I need to write more.  In fact, you're going to think this is totally completely crazy, but my fingers actually start to HURT when I need to write but I don't.  They literally ache.  If I read a good book and want to discuss but have no one to call, my fingers will start hurting.  I have words bottling up underneath my fingertips that need to come out and most of the time, I will write, but sometimes I try to go to sleep instead and I will lay there, sensing that my fingers want to type, but won't listen to them because I know I have kids who will need me in the morning.

It's so unreal that I would have more to say than I already do, but I do!  I could talk to friends all day long.. in person, on the phone, via email and still not be sick of it.  I don't, but I could.  And when I am not busy talking, I am reading but then I HAVE to talk to someone about it.  Usually Jane is my go to girl.  She loves to read as much as I do and the same kind of books.  Not teenage trash.  No romance novels.  Books that change you.  The only problem is that after I talk to Jane and tell her about a book or idea that I love, she will recommend another that she has just read.  And then I have to check it out at the library and read it RIGHT away.. and sometimes if I am desperate, I will log onto Jane's kindle account and read it then and there.  Yes, I know the password to Jane's kindle account and opening it is like Christmas.  Jane spends money on good books.  I never do.  I am such a cheapskate reader.  I will wait for it at the library unless it's calling me.  Yes, books talk to me even before I've ever read them.

So back to hymnals.  The hymn book was calling to me and begging me to sing from it's pages.  Literally begging.  Let me back up and give you a little background on our family and the way we spend time together at night.

Probably about 2 years ago, we started taking scripture reading together as a family pretty seriously.  And by that I mean we started reading every night, without fail.  We've always tried to read consistently, but until about 2 years ago it was hit and miss.  2014 was a year of serious scripture study.  My Christmas card letter was kind of a joke, but it was actually a very accurate account of our year.  I was struggling with what to write about our year and nothing was there, my fingertips would not write it.  But then when the idea came to put it in scripture form, it was obvious to me that it was the whole theme of our year.  We read everyday of 2014 and we did not mess around.  We studied the Book of Mormon together and finished before the year was up.  There was a time early in 2014 when I got the impression that we needed to kick it up a notch in our scripture study and I was like, "How?  We read everyday." and the answer was, "it's not enough."  And then I knew that we needed to spend some quality time together reading and talking about what it meant and looking up other scriptures and just discussing.  It took about an hour or sometimes longer and it was pretty awesome.

2015 has been different.  I'm not sure why.  There has been plenty of reading, but not as much discussion.  Almost a numbness to our study.  We read through the entire BofM quickly (actually twice, once as a family and everyone did individually.)  But there was less power coming from the pages.  So then we went into the New Testament (and we are already doing Old Testament with Ben in Seminary and during Scripture Story Snack, an afternoon thing.)  So I mean, we are literally shoving the scriptures down our kids throats.  It's sick to think about reading as much as we are and getting NOTHING out of them.  Don't get me wrong, there is family time spent together and sometimes someone says something meaningful, but for the most part, it was becoming terrible.  I can't tell you what Aaron's experience has been, but I was feeling nothing from these pages.  Story of Jesus?  No biggie.  Prophets performing miracles.. cool, but not that cool.  People traveling in the wilderness for YEARS without direction?  Now, that totally pisses me off.  Why would God tell someone to leave a land and then just let them wander?  For years and years and years.  I don't want to believe in that God.  And if He is going to keep me in the dark for 40 years, I would rather shoot myself.  I honestly could not handle another scripture session that was going to tell me to have more faith in a God that wasn't answering some of the simplest prayers.  And yes, I realize that I have now entered into the Pride part of the pride cycle, but God forced me there.  I am doing everything I can to feel peace in my life and it's just not there.  I swear to you, it's not there.

But then we unpacked our old hymn books and they were speaking to me.  I thought it was so odd how there was an energy about them, begging me to pick them up and flip through the pages.  One of the hymn books we got for our wedding and it has our names inscribed on the cover.  I wish I knew who gifted that to us.  Whoever you are, this gift is still in great condition and it's one of the very few things we've kept over the dozens of moves we've made.  Your hymn book will come into the bus with us and that's saying something because not much else will.

This summer I read one of Emma Smith's biographies (Mormon Engima , I would tell you all about it, but I just can't because that would mean I would never go to sleep.)  It was a powerful read, but don't read it unless it's calling to you.  I love Emma so much.  I feel like she was actually telling me to pick up the Hymn book and sing from it, but that might just be my imagination.

Anyway, if this isn't enough, last week during FHE as a prep for General Conference, I made up a historical game for the kids with facts about the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.  I came across this article that said Neil L. Anderson and his family sang a hymn each night together and the kids would do it alone, even when the parents were gone.  This struck me.  I mean, it jumped out at me.  And that was all I needed to get those hymn books off the bookshelf and start using them, every night.

It's been about ten days and we haven't read scriptures together a single day since.  In lieu of reading, we are singing.  The plan was to pick one song and stick with it until we have it memorized or until we could at least sing the first verse without looking at the book, but it's become so much more than that.  We can never stop with just one song.  And we have to do all of the verses, because the good stuff is usually at the end.  We sound pretty terrible, but we sing loud.  And, again, I cannot speak for Aaron, but I can pretty much testify he's not as into it as I am, but the kids are.  There is so much happy energy in the room when we sing together.  We have no music, but every once in a while we will pull up the accompaniment online (especially if we can't figure out the tune.) but for the most part we sing our little hearts out without worrying if we are on key.  We have three books and we share, but Simon, Ro and Eden cannot read so they don't follow along.  But they try to sing and then this beautiful thing started happening.  While we sit around and sing the little ones are dancing in the middle and having a complete blast.  This is so much better than scriptures because you are trying to get everyone to listen and toddlers do not listen.  But toddlers can dance and twirl and laugh.  And it's darling to watch.  It makes me feel like we're a real life pioneer family.  The happy kind.  Not that kind that freeze and starve to death.

So, tonight Aaron got home from the temple pretty late and Roma would NOT go to sleep.  And then she woke up the baby because she was being such a stinker (but Eden is never a naughty or grumpy baby, so it's okay if you wake her up.  She will go back to sleep when you want her to = perfection.)  But it was late and everyone was awake and we still hadn't had family prayer around 10:30, so we pulled out our hymn books thinking we would sing a quick song and head to bed.  But the dancing started up and the laughing and soon we were into our 10th song and everyone was hyper.  We were so hyper, in fact that I looked at Aaron and shrugged my shoulders and he said we all needed to go for a run around the block!  But it was 11pm now and other families were sleeping, so we decided to run across the street in the church parking lot.  It was cold and some of the kids weren't wearing shoes (just like pioneer children) .  We ran and laughed and then came home and said prayer and shooed everyone off to bed.  And then I laid in bed wondering if I should write about it.  So here I am.

My fingers feel better and my feet are now extremely cold.  I can't wait to crawl back into bed and stick these feet on Aaron's warm body.  He loves when I do that.  (Just like the pioneer men loved it on a cold winter night, I am sure.  Only they had a few more wives to worry about keeping warm.)  Aaron's lucky he only has one of me.

life with 6 kids

Hi!

 It's been a while. there is some serious blog transformation happening around here and even though I have intention of posting new material, I am doing a lot of editing and sorting of the old stuff. It's been fun and encouraging. What's going on with the blog and bus? Nothing and lots. A tv show is in the works. So are plans for an eventual documentary, but nothing has started yet and when it does it will be hush until it's not. What I CAN get excited about is a book. I am writing it and it's been fun.  If none of this happens and we end up selling the bus without any renovations or traveling, it will be sad and disappointing, but definitely worth it.  The bus has brought a lot of creative thinking into our lives!

 There are a lot of stressful things going on right now, but nothing I can put into words. Basically we are still lost in a dark world and we've been there for a while. I don't know if God wants us here or if we're doing something wrong or if we are exactly where we need to be, but it's been annoying. I mean, there are always ups and downs in life and this is nothing new, but never in my experience (or in my marriage) have we felt lost for such a long period of time.  We are going on about 2 years now, but one year of intense lost-ness and it seems that no matter where we turn or what we do, the feeling is the same.  Nothing feels right, nothing fits, we feel this urgency to do something else but can't figure out what that else is.  It's bizarre.  If you've felt like this before or you're feeling this way now, I am sorry because it's one of the worst experiences I've ever been through.  It's not fear and it's not depression.  It's a sense that you don't belong where you are.  It's tough to go through with a big family.  I would never want to do it with anyone else but my husband.  He is a rock and I adore him.  He's at the temple tonight because staying home can be hard when you are looking for answers.

One thing I will NOT complain about is my kids.  I can promise you I am not discouraged or depressed or doing anything wrong because if you see my kids, you would know how happy I am at home.  Oh my gosh, I love being a mom and I LOVE being around these amazing people all day.  It's going to sound like I am bragging and that's because I really do not take any credit for it, so I am really just thanking my lucky stars that these kids came into my life.  We are in SUCH a good stage with these little people.  Tonight was a shining example of why they are so amazing..

The BEST big brother on the planet.  We all know it.  

Aaron worked a long day and came home only for a few minutes to grab his bag for the temple.  I worked with the kids in schooling, had a business conference call in the afternoon, took a bubble bath with my girls and was just about to go down for dinner when my friend/therapist texted me and I got caught up on my phone.  I knew my kids were getting hungry so I felt bad to keep them waiting.  When I went downstairs, not only had the kitchen floor been swept and mopped by Zack and Simon, but dinner was being made.  Biscuits were in the oven, Luke was making eggs and orange juice, Ben and Roma were on the bacon and potatoes and the table was set, tablecloth included.  Why were these kids doing this?  Because they were getting hungry.  Not one single child came upstairs to bother me, they just got to work.  When I came down with wet hair, Ben said , "If you want to go out with Dad tonight, you can.  We don't have anything going on here after dinner." As if I was the teenager and he was my parent.  He is so amazing and he inspires the other kids to be polite, helpful, happy and resourceful.  I was floored, but then not really because these kids are just that amazing that this is our life.

Ben was trying to get Eden to look.  He's basically the adult and I sit back and take pictures.  And sometimes I drive them around town.  I am the historian and the chauffeur.  

in her apron.  She didn't get any blisters from cooking bacon tonight which is a significant improvement since last time she tried.  This girl gets back in the saddle.

I took some pictures, ate a few bites and then after dinner I picked up a book because Luke wanted to do dishes and Zack asked if he could give me a foot rub.  I know, you think I am making this up.  And you think they were up to something or they were confused about whether or not this was mother's day, but they are this good.  Moving around this past year has proven to me how good they are but now that we are in our own house, it's been even better.  We are all just so happy to have our own space!  But we also don't think we will stay here for long... Let's not talk about that, though.

just a few minutes ago.  He told me I deserved this because I bought a bus.  I will take it! because buying that bus wasn't easy.  

Let me tell you about the trip to the dentist the other day.  We had a regular 6-month checkup.  I knew nothing about this dentist or staff.  When we pulled up, I parked and looked in the back seat at all of my cute kids faces and said, "I know you guys will all be well behaved, but let's have a little contest.  I am going to be watching to see who is the most friendly with the staff.  Whoever wins gets a reward, I am not sure what it is yet."  That 2 hours in the dentist office might have been the best 2 hours of my life.  I am not joking.  My kids were hilarious... being overly friendly to everyone, asking them their favorite colors, movies, if they had any children.  Telling them all about the haunted house we went to last week.  It was seriously an inside joke we all had with each other and I could not keep from smiling.  I also made them each fill out their OWN paperwork.. Simon and Roma too.  (Their papers were a total mess, but I signed and dated the bottom and told them they could get the correct information off the other sheets.) I am so wishing I had taken a picture of what I handed in, it was awesome.  Eden was a sweetheart and had to see the dentist too because she has a frenulum, meaning the tissue on her top lip is connected to the bottom of her upper gum, in between her front teeth.  I didn't notice this until a couple of months ago (how did I not see this?) but she will need it clipped soon.  The conversation I had with the dentist at the end of our visit was awesome.  He was so impressed with our kids and how much they wanted to talk to him while their mouths were open.  I just smiled and said thank you.  On the way out to the car I told them there was NO possible way I could pick a winner and they were all getting ice cream- pronto.  They thought the friendly competition was a fun game and now I want to play it every time we go anywhere.

getting ice cream after the dentist.  Zero cavities which is such a blessing because we're poor. 

I don't know why my children are so well-behaved or such good friends with each other, but I am going to guess other than being lucky we do two things well.  1) we don't own anything.  Our belongings are at a bare minimum and we are grateful for the little things.  2) we spend a lot of time together.  I think spending time together/homeschooling/simplifying is huge for us.  It's been a magical combination.  I want to get rid of more stuff just from writing this.  And our house is empty.

I spy Luke's eye.  cute, smart, creative Luke made this periscope out of two empty eggnog cartons and two of my make-up mirrors.  He's my favorite brown-eyed boy.

I wasn't sure if I was going to homeschool again this year, even though I've always loved it, I wasn't sure what to do (I am not sure about anything lately) but it's proven again to be the best decision for our family.  This new routine and our new set of classes have been awesome so far.  Tomorrow we will set out for our traditional "forest school" and then meet some friends at a park to play.  And then go to another friends home for Friday night hanging out.  My kids do have great friends here and for that I am thankful.  I have the most amazing group of people surrounding me too and I am trying to get in as much socialization just in case we move somewhere else.  I am not sure if we will, but I need to do all I can just in case.  And I will never regret having friends over for dinner.  We've been in our house for about a month and we've had at least a dozen families over for dinner or dessert.  Maybe more.  I love our house and our ward and the weather.  I am happy and completely lost at the same time.  How bizarre is this?

older picture but the same darling face I see everyday.  I am head over heels over this child. 

Eden.  My sweet baby girl.  She is hands down the best child I have ever seen.  Truly an angel.  She is still nursing.. I've never nursed a baby this long, but there is absolutely no reason to stop.  She is not demanding, loves to cuddle, eats plenty of food during meal times, but she still wants to nurse and I don't see why I should stop.  The other night we had friends over talking about how someone nursed their child until they were 4 years old and later Aaron commented that that might be me.  It made me laugh (hard) and then I explained, "At the end of my life all I want to be able to say is that I've done everything.  I want to do and try everything.  Why not try to relate to every person you meet?  "You nursed your child until they were 4?  Me too!  You had a home birth?  Me too!  You bought a bus and lived in it with 6 kids?  Me too!"  Is there a way to go to prison for just one night without breaking the law?  If so, I would like to try it.  And my kids too.  I think it would be a great learning experience.  This is one reason I don't like commandments or laws.  I just want to try it, just to know how it feels.  Just for fun.

hmm.  I am completely off track and not sure where to go from there..  So some pictures will have to do.

the boy cuzzies on Roma's birthday.  That would be Zack in the all green get-up.  Why did he wear it all day, even to the grocery store and all about the city?  The question really should be WHY NOT?  He's 9 and so happy.  You can literally see him smiling through the morphsuit.  And you know what?  I LOVE seeing other people's reaction to him wearing it.  It's always a smile.  He brightens people's lives by being himself.  

the girly cousins.  Roma is SO lucky to have these sister/cousins in her life.  

Our family at Trafalga on Ro's special day.  She insisted on being in the back with her hands up and she looks adorable, but not really part of our family.  No one will argue that she's the heart of it.

After the family picture, I must add that my husband is the most handsome in all the land.  I am literally crazy about him.  We are so different. So, so different.  and often times I feel so bad that he's married to such a spaz like me, but oh how I love him.  Last week he was particularly busy.  On Roma's birthday (thursday) he took time off in the evening to come with us to the haunted house and celebrate afterward.  On Friday morning he woke the boys up at 4:30 am.  Yes, you read that right.  To do what?  Go bowling... a local bowling alley had free bowling and arcade games from 5-8 am and Aaron wanted to go.  He didn't take any pictures (typical) but they had a great time.  He was home by 7:00 am, dropped the kids off, showered and shaved and then was at his office before 8:00 am to meet with a client.  He worked ALL day without a break.  He's busy.  At 8pm he came home and told me to get shoes on because he was taking me out on a date.  I had already eaten dinner, so I just sat at the restaurant and watched him eat and we chatted about life, but nothing too stressful because that's not allowed on dates.  We talked and I was just overwhelmed with love for this man who puts his family before everything else.  He amazes me.  And he's a great example to our kids about what is important. He lives it everyday and doesn't lecture about anything.  I really believe a good dad makes all of the difference in the family.  Because good moms are everywhere.  Good dads are hard to find (sorry, but in my opinion men could really step it up when it comes to raising children.)

And I don't want to end on that note because it sounds mean.  but it's true.  I want to end this letter by saying that life is SO STRANGE.  I really am trying to learn all that I can through this bizarre experience, but sometimes it's hard.  I go back and forth between trying to make good things happen to just relaxing and going with the flow.  I don't know which one is best but for me, there seems to be no in between.  How do you let life happen to you without taking it by the horns?  And how do you do anything important by going with the flow?  I am not sure.  That is the main struggle I am having right now.  But reading helps.  I love to read.  I also love to write about what I read but I love to read more so it's taking up all my free time.  I try to read a couple of books a week and I know its whats kept me somewhat sane.  Oh, if only I could touch a book and automatically understand exactly what the author intended me to know when they wrote it.  If I could chose a super hero power, that's what it would be.  Not just to read a book with lightening speed, but to connect with the author on a deep, meaningful level.  This is one reason why I don't care for fiction.  I would rather read a biography about the author's life than read a story they made up.  But even more than their life events, I want to know what they are thinking! I get so much fulfillment from non-fiction books.  They are filled with thoughts and ideas and beliefs and I love to know what other people are processing, especially if it's a well thought out idea. I don't have to agree with them, because sometimes not agreeing helps me see how firmly I stand on an issue.  But a book is such an advance thought, it had to have been really important to someone to take the time to write it and publish it. To me, reading is meeting someone and getting right down to business in the first conversation.  Getting to the heart of what people are thinking.  Someday I am going to write a book about everything I think is important.  Until then, you get this random blog post.

Goodnight.  I love you and hope you're doing well. 

Last note-- I didn't say much about SyGuy or upload a good picture of him.  He's adorably 5 and so much fun.  When I ask him to do his daily jobs or show me his homework he happily says, "Sure Cutie Pie!" and it makes my week, every day.  I know all of my kids are my favorite, but he's one of them.  He is a handful but with just the right kind of sweet and sass.  Oh and such a handsome face, he kills me.  He and Roma are keeping us on our toes and it's such a blast.  The end.

Life is like a box of chocolates

So much to write about but not sure what to share. Life is a rollercoaster and everything is STILL up in the air. We are trying to enjoy the the ride, but its a bumpy one. I might throw up soon...

This last week we've been camping out in our house in Vegas. Mattresses on the floor, paper goods in the kitchen, with camping chairs the only thing to sit on. It's been an interesting week and I've been reflecting nonstop. I just can't help but feel proud of us and what we've been through. There are parts of everyday where frustration knocks on my door, but I won't and can't let it in because it wants to take over. And that's never smart because there is still so much to be happy about and grateful for.

The beginning of this month marks the two year anniversary of our road trip to Georgia and the beginning of our chaos. We drove to Atlanta for the hope and possibility to move there in August 2013. We knew we were in limbo at the time. A move needed to happen and soon because something wasn't right. We loved Vegas and were willing to stay, but change was in the air. Just before the long drive, we found out we were expecting Eden. The road trip was difficult because I was extremely nauseous and weak. But I wanted and needed to explore our options. Aaron was bombarded at work and deadlines were stressful. He decided to make the huge sacrifice to fly out to meet me because if we were going to make the move, it had to be a decision we agreed on. The entire trip he was worried about getting fired because he should have been home working around the clock. On his last day in Atlanta he broke his ankle and needed double surgery, and 12 weeks with his feet up and no driving. It was a blow physically, emotionally, financially- and I was on an empty tank trying to grow baby #6.

We got through the surgery and the pregnancy. But just before Eden was born, Aaron was fired. It was something we expected and Aaron went to interview after interview on crutches. At the end of a rough 9 months he took the plunge to open his own office in Vegas. We weren't sure if it was the "right" thing but we had a savings to at least try it out and we knew we could sell our home and live off the equity for a little while to float while money went into the office and out of our savings.

August 2014 we decided to move but not sure where still. Aaron didn't feel good about putting time and money into an office in Vegas. We had no family here and no reason to stay besides the fact that we liked it. I was the only one dragging my feet. I loved the desert with all of my heart and soul. We made pros and con lists of places to move with family. Georgia, Arizona or Utah. In my mind Vegas still had more pros than anywhere else but Aaron was leaning toward Zion and took the Utah bar. I was on the fence.

September 2014 was the most bizarre month of all. We basically went into panic mode. Looking back, I ask myself if we created more chaos or followed inspiration. Logically it seems as though we went out of minds a little, but we've NEVER done that before and have yet to feel like that since so it had to be more than a panic attack. This I know because Aaron felt it too and he doesn't panic, ever. And our actions were also smooth and precise and calm, but completely drastic. To sum up September we literally sold or gave away everything we owned except for our mattresses, our clothes, the kids bikes and our dog. We sold not just furniture but things we were actually using like the baby's crib, holiday items, all our homeschooling favorites and even Aaron's car. It was SUCH an odd month. It had to be inspired because it all happened so quickly. Typical conversation during that month--

Aaron: I am going to list my car for sale today.
Me: really? Are you sure?
Aaron: yep.
Me: what are you going to do?
Aaron: not sure.
Me: well, see what happens. you can always decide not sell if it doesn't get any interest.
A few hours later, it was sold. Bizarre, right?

After liquidating in September, we officially put our house up for sale in October. We *planned* on living in it until it sold. Aaron would set up an office remotely. This way Aaron could keep his clients in Vegas and build a clientele in Utah slowly (he wasn't even sure if he'd passed the Utah bar yet.) But our internal panic increased and we literally packed up a moving truck and left without anything figured out. The only way to explain it is we were animal parents who smelled fear. It was not logical, it was all instinct. We could not and will probably never be able to explain it, but we were afraid that if we didn't leave, our family would be destroyed.

October 2014, with our empty house on the market and Aaron being sworn into the Utah bar, we felt good about our decision to move. We didn't *want* to be living with my parents but we knew our house would sell soon which would give us money to live off and a little more cushion to build an office. We were with my parents for five months and there was zero action on our house. The price was dropped significantly and we were dumbfounded to why it hadn't sold. But we weren't too frustrated because it was winter. We were certain it would sell at the beginning of the year w tax refunds and Christmas season over. It had to!

February 2015- I buy a bus with a loan from the bank. Aaron wouldn't let me touch our savings account because we needed to live on it. I was certain our house would sell any day and probably was thinking like a teenager after living with my parents for half a year. Or having a midlife crisis and needing a change of scenery.

Aaron was also second guessing starting his own firm in Utah. Yes, he had clients but 95% of what he did was pro-bono. People really needed the help but couldn't pay. And he had time on his hands so he literally couldn't say no. I was proud of him and knew he'd be blessed somehow. But job offers started coming in and our savings was running out. He took an offer at HAFB because it didn't make sense to pass it up. The background clearance would take up to 2 months, which literally gave us peace of mind to travel and explore in our bus.

April 2015- back from bus excursions, we plan to move to North Salt Lake so Aaron's commute into the Air Force Base would be shorter. We put money down on a house to rent, but it doesn't feel good. We push the feelings aside because it must be back-to-work jitters. But the closer we got to moving in, the worse it felt, and with our things moved out of my parents (and boxed up in the bus) we feel completely confused and lost. We decide to lose the money on the house and move in with my sister who generously offered her basement apartment to us because she knew we were in limbo. It was not what we wanted to do, but better than our other options. We felt grateful but also SO frustrated. Nothing we did made sense and our poor kids were adjusting to a new neighborhood, new ward, new scout troops, and we couldn't explain why.

When it came down to actually working at HAFB, it didn't feel right either! At 10pm the night before he was supposed to start he decided to turn it down. (The hiring process was so complicated with fingerprints and literally 2 months of jumping through hoops so he didn't take this decision lightly.) He reluctantly turned down the offer and now we are back to square one.. All we needed was for our house to sell so we could move out on our own and build Aaron's practice. We had so much faith things would fall into place. The next day we find out our house had been broken into and vandalized. Is someone punking us? It wouldn't be put back together for another month. (There were one or two low-ball offers that we turned down. Hindsight is 20/20 because those offers are more than what we are asking now, but we didn't know any better and our agent assured us we would get a fair offer, especially after the remodel.) 

May 2015- with things still in limbo and Aaron being able to work remotely, it seemed like the perfect plan to take the bus cross-country. I was originally going to do this with my bff Jane, but her calendar was tight around her kids school schedule and we wanted to end up in Nauvoo for a family reunion, so it made more sense for Jane to fly to New York (her parents are serving a mission there.) And we would meet her in the bus. Things started getting exciting because two major networks were interested in filming our family and bus travels. Perfect timing. But not. Because the show wanted to write a new story. They want us to pretend to buy the bus completely remodeled.. Great opportunity for us to have a remodeled bus, but not accurate of how it happened. And we wouldn't have rights to our own story which made it an easy decision. We would travel to NYC without it remodeled. (I was always waiting on our house to sell to have money for the remodel..) Just before we pack up for our long road trip, Simon breaks his arm and needs surgery. 2 weeks later he needed a cast placement and 2 weeks after that the pins removed. Going cross-country wasn't possible anymore. But driving down the Oregon coast was! And it was dreamy. I changed my plans to document our travels on our blog to just focusing on having FUN as a family. I decided to collect and organize my pictures with the intent to share it later. Still not sure why, but I'm waiting.

July 2015- we travel to Nauvoo, IL for a family reunion. This trip was also amazing but hard too. We were SO close to Chicago and New York and DC, but still so far away. We had Simon's cast off and technically had the time to travel, but couldn't justify it financially. Savings is running low, house still hasn't had any bites. We decide to change real estate agents because we had no other options. This was a tough decision. Our wonderful agent is a dear friend and she worked so hard with no pay. But our hands were tied. We are not on speaking terms since the switch and its been heartbreaking for me, maybe the hardest part about it all. I take my relationships very seriously and now know its better to never mix business with personal life.

August 2015- with Aaron working in both states and traveling back and forth it didn't make sense to stay living with my sister anymore. Aaron had work in Vegas and we have an empty house here, just waiting to be sold. With a new agent and lots of showings everyday, it would be a pain to move back. But we would at least be together at night. Aaron came down a week early and has been working overtime. It feels so good to be back. We've dropped our house price to as low as we can go without having to pay someone to buy it. We will not be making little, if anything on the sale. Other agents are calling asking if there's a typo on the price. No typo, tons of action, no sale. Our new agent is floored. Everyone asks us WHY we are giving it away and the only thing we can tell them is that it feels like the right thing to do. We could totally stay. I love the house & the neighborhood. We have plenty of room to park the bus. It's going to be hard to find a place to rent that can accommodate our dog, six kids AND bus, but it has to work out. It just has to! And we still feel good about moving forward even though we don't know where we will go or what we will do.

In a phone convo with my mom the other day she said, "tonight you and Aaron get on your knees and pray about whether or not you should sell your house." My response was laughter. What do you think we've been doing for the past 2 years?? We do NOT take these decisions lightly. And we are trying our best to move forward despite being very confused. We are making decisions. We are not just praying and waiting for the answer to come, we are making heart wrenching choices and we take responsibility for the outcome. We just don't have any answers. And that's okay because they will eventually come. At this point I am considering ALL options. I will list the bus for sale, I will go back to work, I will put my kids in school, I will do whatever is needed. I do not care what others think about me or my decisions because I own them. Aaron is in his own personal turmoil because he's still got his feet in both states. Next week he goes to Utah and California. He doesn't have a lot of money coming in, but he's willing to do whatever is necessary. He will work at Walmart if it comes down to it. he has always put our family first and I love that about him.

My job is to support his decisions and to take care of the kids. And to be positive. My temperament is extremely important to my family.. When mama's happy, everybody is happy. For those who think I am taking a backseat and letting my husband make all the decisions in the drivers seat, think again. Our roles are significant and stressful in their own way and equally as important. We each play the role of supporter. He is more physically and financially supporting us, the hard labor. I take the emotional role-- keeping everyone fed and happy and encouraged. We both take the spiritual lead because if we didn't, we would collapse. He is hands-down more faithful than I am, but I have my good days too.

I have several friends who don't believe in God and think we are kind of crazy following our feelings and intuition and inspiration. Believe me, I've had major faith crisis moments where I don't believe either. But I always come back to the core, which is the place where I feel extreme amounts of gratitude. There is little peace, still. I want to KNOW that we will figure things out and do what we are meant to do. I want to thrive and achieve goals and not just merely survive, and there will be a time for that. Our patience is being tested our faith is being tried. But it will all work out. And even though it hasn't been easy, we've made it this far!! Two years of being in limbo, a small army of kids, a dog, a bus, medical bills, three moves with another in the near future and very little income and we are still kicking! Not once have we needed to borrow a penny from family members or our church or ask for donations of any kind. We may have to get to that point eventually and that will be another trial. But we've made it this far and that HAS to be God's hand in our lives. There is no other explanation. Luck can only get you so far. I chose to believe in a Higher Power because it makes more sense to me than not believing. Its not the easy way out, its the only thing I have to cling on to at this point.

This week someone close to me told others that I wasn't being grateful and that I was complaining too much (that things in my life wouldn't be so hard if I didn't make them so hard.) I DO complain, so I can see where they are coming from. But it hurt me.. I cried and wrestled with it.  But after a day or two I realized that they are wrong. They know me well, but they haven't been in my shoes. I am doing the best I can and that is good enough. We really cannot judge or speculate or criticise others and how they chose to live. The best thing we can do with our time is to love and support and salute along the path. Life is hard but we can make it easier by not judging and not second guessing ourselves. If anything this past 2 years has taught me to own my decisions and allow others to do the same.

Complainer

Today I heard a rumor... Someone I trust said that a person close to me told others  close to me that I would fine if I just stopped complaining so much. It hurt to hear because this is one of the people I turn to when life is hard.

The comment is true, I mean, my life would be better of I stopped complaining, but I honestly don't know how else to cope through uncertain times without just being downright frustrated. Yes, there could be worse trials- this I know- but I don't really know how to be real without complaining. I do see good in my life and I know that I am learning, but I also like to lay all my cards out on the table. I don't know how to cope if I keep things to myself. Maybe this is a skill I need to start working on, pronto.

I've been reading one of Emma Smith's biographies (Mormon Enigma) and its got me thinking about how people talk about the way you live your life. Emma Smith didn't keep a journal, or of she did, there are no records of them so all anyone knows about her is from the letters she wrote and the journals of other people.. Their interactions with her and their interpretation of what she said or how she handled herself. Its interesting how we want to know about people who keep themselves private. Emma was cool and composed for a reason and I totally respect her for that, especially with a life as hard as hers. But her story is still being written and told hundreds of years later and its all hearsay. I really want to know what she was thinking when her babies died and her husband took on other wives without her permission. Was it just too heartbreaking for her to express? Did she pray away all her frustrations? Or was it bottled up because she was afraid someone might someday read her deep, dark secrets? If I could talk to her today, I would let her know that I respect her for the way she chose to live her life and I don't really believe all of the accounts of what she did or didn't do because its not the real story. It may be factual and as close to the truth as we will ever get, but its not her story. She chose not to write it herself and she can remain a mysterious hero in my mind.

I've been writing in my old-school journals since I stopped blogging regularly. I started as an experiment and has become quite the ritual for me before bed. I mean, I've always journaled since I was a young girl, but picked up blogging because I could add pictures and print it out in yearbooks for my family and share our events with friends and family near and far. I often wonder if I will go back to documenting on the computer, but there's just something about a good pen and soft handwriting that keeps me writing just for myself. If you ever read these handwritten pages (or you're one of my confidants) you would know I do plenty of complaining. But I also write about ALL of the things I'm grateful for.

If you read my journals you would know that I think my kids are truly the best behaved kids on the planet. They are not perfect by any means, but they are such good people. I write about the little things they do during the day that make them special and darling and this is different than how I blog because if I posted it publically, it would come across as majorly bragging. I do facebook little bits and pieces, but I try not to brag often. I dont want anyone to assume that I take credit for their wonderfulness because I know they were born this way and its been a privilege to be their mother. I pray that I don't ruin them with all of the complaining I do.

Another thing you would read about in my handwritten journal is my marriage. It is the single most important relationship I will ever have and I kind of obsess over Aaron in my journals. How different we are and yet how we seem to always find a middle ground, even on the big things that don't seem to have a middle area. We find ways to compromise and support and love one another and its a beautiful, romantic, complicated story. Emma and The Prophet had a beautiful story (something I chose to believe even though Brigham swears that Emma tried to poison Joseph.)  I know they didn't agree on some very important issues. Yet, their love was deep. When he was killed, there is an account that Emma cried over his dead body and asked for his forgiveness. This picture is heartbreaking. Maybe because I see myself in the same position if my husband were to die now. I can almost hear the words.. "Please Aaron, forgive me for not behaving like you-- calm, collected, and full of wisdom. I have to learn everything through trial and error and I'm sorry if my mistakes affected you. Thank you for putting up with me." There is no account of what Joseph said to Emma when she joined him in heaven but I am going to suppose he apologized and thanked her too.

Emma and I are nothing alike, that is one thing I've realized while reading her story. But I found myself wanting to be more like her in so many ways. Most of all, I've wanted to be more supportive of my own husband. Emma did not support Joseph in everything, she was NOT a doormat, but she stood by him even though her family disapproved and strangers made fun of her and friends turned them away. She died saying that Joseph was what he said he was and that support throughout her life is inspiring. All I want to be is to be supportive of Aaron. I want to be the person be can turn to when life is hard. He has definitely been that person for me. Tonight when I told him how hurt my feelings were because someone said I complain too much, he smiled and put his fingers through my hair and said, "I'm sorry. I don't think you're a complainer at all, and my opinion is the only one that matters." And he's always right.

every little thing is gonna be alright.

Yesterday was a really hard day.  I felt completely unmotivated.  I felt like giving up.  But after I wrote out my frustrations out on the blog, my mindset changed and the fog separated.  It was as though I could see my life in a timeline of happy vs. hard times and I knew I was stronger because of all of the struggles.  I laid back down in bed with a new momentum.  My thoughts led me down a path of examining my most stressful experiences over the past 15 or so years (I do not naturally stress easily and cannot think of a time before college when I was overwhelmed... ) so life got "hard" for me at 19.  Going through these bullet points in my life made me realize that I am blessed for having an easy childhood and really believing that it will all work out in the end.  Here are a few times in my life when I felt a lot like I do right now--

Getting mono 6 months before getting engaged.  18 college credits, three honors classes and a demanding church calling..  I was SO stressed about my grades and knew I would lose my scholarship without a 3.8.  That semester I got a 4.0.  I would never have predicted a 4.0 was even possible during my darkest hours.  God provided in a major way and no one can tell me otherwise.  Those finals I took and papers I wrote when I was sick were literally miracles from heaven.  I felt so alone that semester, but I was being watched over by angels.

Getting engaged at 20.  I didn't even really know this guy!  We had no car, no money, no plan for the future.  I was stressed out of my mind.  I wish I could have told myself how lovely our marriage would be and what a great husband and father he would become.  If I could tell myself anything, I would say, "plow straight ahead and don't question your heart."  We figured everything out as it came to us.  We were able to get through college without a single student loan and save enough to pay cash for our first car (a tradition we've kept throughout our marriage.) And we had zero adjustment period to married life.  It was so much easier than I imagined it would be.

Ben's pregnancy. I was so excited to have a baby, but I was working full-time and in school full-time.  I was throwing up every.single.day.  I literally prayed my way through that pregnancy.  I can think of so many times when I would be walking on campus, just begging God to help me get through the hour.  It all worked out just fine and this boy is my lifesaver.  I honestly cannot imagine how I would have survived without him.

Luke's pregnancy. I had my second baby in the middle of my final semester in college.  He was born on a Monday and I went back to class on Wednesday.  stressful, for sure, but he was the EASIEST baby and let me do whatever I needed.  I didn't expect that during his pregnancy, I was imagined me up all night with a screaming child and then falling asleep in my classes.  It's amazing how we picture the future as worst-case scenario when it never really gets that bad.  Maybe that's what made Luke so easy is that I was expecting him to be terrible.

Zack's pregnancy.  I am starting to see a pattern here.  But I can't even tell you how stressed I was about this pregnancy..  (we got pregnant on birth control, btw.)  Having three babies while my husband was in law school was insane!  Aaron was so busy in school, serving as EQ president and working at a law firm in Spokane.  Being away from a support system, in a freezing winter, with really no friends, not even my busy husband was too much for me.  This really was the lowest point in my life, the first few months Zack was born.  But if I could go back and whisper anything to my young mama-self, I would say, "yep.  this is gonna suck, but this child's energy and optimism will bless your life everyday."  and he has.  

Three miscarriages in three years..  miscarriages are rough.  For me, it was less about the physical and emotional drama and more about the worry that I would never have any more children.  I did get to a point where I accepted where I was-- that maybe my body wouldn't carry any more and I was truly happy with three boys.  I think at that point, I got pregnant with Simon.

Simon's and the girls pregnancies were hard, but not in the same way as the others.  Those miscarriages took me to a new level of awareness.  This was eye opening for me last night.  The stress of my first pregnancies were not as great as the stress of not having any children and therefore, I was able to give up that burden.  IF we chose to have more children, the stress comes more in the decision to get pregnant not in the pregnancy itself.  Once the decision is made, I know I will be able to embrace it.  Kind of sounds and feels like the decision is already made...

So-- there's quite a big jump here, but I can't think of ANYTHING that has stressed me out in the last five years accept for our current situation.  Last night as I was laying in bed, I realized that I've had a long break.  I don't know if that's because I've changed the way I've dealt with stress or because of my experience at Roma's birth, when I felt this overwhelming understanding that life is short and I need to enjoy it while I can, but I haven't let it get to me until now.  And really, not even in the past year of being unemployed or the past 7 months of living with family.  It's really only been the past couple of weeks.  I think Simon's emergency (or the aftermath) is really what put me into a tailspin of frustration, but it didn't take me long to work it out.  I do know that this time will pass.  And if I feel alone, like I did when I was in college and struggling with ALL that was on my plate, I can totally get through this.  I need to just take it a day or hour at a time.  Sooner or later, I will look back and be grateful for the experience.