salt and pepper

I've wanted to do an update on each of my kids... and today I'm going to lump my two opposite boys together, only to annoy them.  Luke and Zack are different as different can be.  So many people are surprised when they learn these two are brothers because they look nothing alike.  They could not be more opposite in looks and in personality.  Luke is our resident introvert.  He is calm, collected, steady, organized, mature, composed.  Zack is extremely extroverted.  He's energetic, spastic, emotional, excited and chatty.  Luke is so much like his dad and Zack's personality is a lot like mine.  They hardly ever see eye-to-eye and don't mix well, like oil and water.  This makes us laugh because Aaron and I are so different for all the same reasons.  But there is so much beauty in their unique and individual personalities.

There could be more struggles in this relationship, if we saw them as struggles.  These boys absolutely could fight if a situation gets escalated.  There can be tension between them because they are so different.  Zack gets overly excited about everything and is naturally unorganized.  Luke knows where all things are at all times because his mind is quiet and he is aware.  He likes to play tricks on everyone in the house and sit back and watch others respond emotionally to the turmoil he's created. Zack becomes an easy target because he gives the biggest and most emotional response.

There are annoyances about each of these boys and the way they push each other's buttons, but those annoyances are also their strengths.  Luke's sense of humor is wildly hilarious, in a very quiet way and I never want to make him feel like he can't express himself.  It's not okay for him to hide Zack's things and watch him freak out when he can't find it (something that happens often) but it's also something they will laugh about later and it's good for Zack to learn life lessons about controlling his emotions when he can't find something.  I never want Zack to feel like he needs to stay composed or keep his emotions bottled up, just to keep the peace.  They are young and NOW is the time for them to freak out, if they need to.  We learn lessons together everyday and I want them to each feel free to express themselves in the way that they chose.  If that means Luke needs to prank people, we allow him to and laugh at his sense of humor.  If Zack needs to have melt downs and slam the doors, that's okay too.  After he calms down, we all have opportunities to talk about it and learn from each other.  That's what growing up is all about. 

A mistake that I made for years with Zack is ignoring him in his emotionally unstable state.  For a long time I would allow him to throw a tantrum, crawl into bed and fall asleep if he needed to.  I would not coddle or talk him out of it because I never wanted him to feel like I approved of that behavior, but it wasn't getting better.  His tantrums would become more frequent because no one was acknowledging his need to express himself.  Now, I see that I was wrong to ignore him when he needs me.  It's hard for me to "baby" him and talk him through his problems because I don't like to baby.  But I've seen that he responds better when I give him the one-on-one time to talk through his tantrum.  Sometimes he won't talk back, so I have to go down, lay by him and talk to him about how strong he is and give him the confidence to see that he's in control of his own attitude.  This works much better for us and even though it's not what I prefer, but I appreciate what he's taught me about connection.  It's not about how I want to parent, it's about what each child needs.  They are little geniuses about expressing themselves and usually when they are whining, complaining or sulking, they need a little more attention and love.  This is what Zack has taught me and I am so grateful for being emotionally aware.

Luke is my bud.  Sometimes I want to slug him for being so sly, but that's only because I'm jealous.  I admire his ability to be comfortable in his own skin.  He doesn't need approval from anyone, ever.  Lately he's been dressing weird.  I really don't usually worry about what the kids are wearing, but Luke can embarrass me in public (and that's saying a lot.)  He has these colorful girly checkered shorts that are too short and tight for him.  He likes them because they are odd and I have to bite my tongue when we go out.  Instead of telling him to change his clothes, I ask him if he's comfortable wearing it (and explain where we are going and sometimes maybe why he shouldn't feel comfortable :) but IF he replies that he's comfortable, I let it go.  He's a teenager and if this is one way he chooses to express himself, I am okay with that.  Today Luke's wearing the shorts I dislike, so I got them on video...

And about Simon's opera singing.  Simon picked up a new "hobby" about a month ago and we're all hoping it ends soon.  He sings opera all day.  While at the dinner table, he will sing when he needs food passed to him.  It's so annoying.  But it's a phase and I don't want him to shut down his love for opera just because we can't stand it.  The other day, I could feel my skin crawl with him singing and I wanted to tell him to SHUT.UP.  But I didn't.  Instead I imagined how sad I would be if he wasn't around.  I closed my eyes and pictured him dead.  and then I was flooded with gratitude for him and ALL of the sounds he was making.  He makes SO much noise and it can drive me crazy, but he's so much fun.  He says the most hilarious, amazing, confident things and I want him to continue to express himself the way he feels most comfortable.  Unfortunately (for us) he's chosen to sing in a high-pitched woman's voice.  There will come a day when I will miss that sound, so I am going to enjoy it while I can.   

Discipline-Free Parenting

I believe in raising responsible, happy children without discipline.  I parent without discipline and I teach others they can do the same, with amazing results.  It's not a laissez-faire parenting style that lets your kids run wild and behave however they want.  It's a very hands-on, fun, engaged approach where both you and your child behave without threatening, raising your voice, punishments or superiority.  I believe in communication and connection.  I believe in allowing your best person to show, all of the time.  Sometimes kids don't know how to be the best version of themselves and so as parents, we show them by our examples.  If we yell or fight or scream, we teach them that it's acceptable to behave poorly whenever they feel like it.  Parents don't realize they are the root of the problem and kids are misbehaving because they are responding to the negative energy they feel.  This energy can be changed.  We can flip our magnet from negative (which kids will repel and avoid) to positive (where kids listen, behave and want to obey!)  It's extremely powerful and exciting.

I don't believe in discipline because it doesn't work!  It might give you temporary results for a limited time, but it doesn't produce lasting positive behavior.  I don't believe discipline connects and unites.  If we punish in a way that keeps our children from being able to voice their opinion or feel comfortable coming to us with their point of view, then we pollute our relationship with negativity.  I don't believe you can raise responsible kids by forcing them to obey.

I believe in optimism, affection, synergy, teamwork, cohesiveness, listening with intent, and in finding solutions that produce real results.  I believe in building each other up, and I don't think discipline and punishment build anything valuable or worthwhile.  I don't think screaming or spanking or freaking out makes ANYONE feel good... not the parent or the child and I believe in creating as many opportunities that allow you to feel comfortable and validated.  Feeling welcome and needed in your own home is the most important gift we can give our children.  Communicating with real intent builds stronger relationships, deeper connections and it works!  It builds confidence in both individuals and in relationships.

I don't think it's hard for parents to stop yelling.  If you want to change, it will take about 2-3 weeks to stop.  Can you imagine a world where you ask your child to do something nicely and they happily obey?  Can you imagine your home without contention or frustration?  It can happen and it's easier than you think.  The reason why I believe it's easy is because it feels GOOD to connect with others.  It feels so much better than yelling.  It's actually quite simple when you have the right tools to stop and you'll see the difference in your children.  I stopped the bad habit of yelling and freaking out at my kids about eight years ago, on THIS DAY.  I have had very little negative interaction with my children since that experience and my house is full of busy, crazy kids.  Why did I stop so quickly? Because I felt the POWER of optimistic parenting and I want more experiences with my kids where we work together, laugh, overcome problems, create, make memories and grow as people together under the same house.  It feels SO good to see your kids for who they are and treat them with respect.  As we encourage them to be more like they are, they will stop annoying us and start behaving in ways that foster connection because they trust that they are safe around us.  If you have a strained connection in your life (with a child, spouse, family member or friend) and you don't know how to stop putting negative energy into that relationship, I'd love to help you realize how easy it is to cleanse it and start healing.  I am a parenting coach and I am really good at what I do.  Email me at janetleeshumway@gmail.com or text me at 702-485-0028. 

Xoxo.

The Wisdom of Dr Shefali

Writing this from my phone, hoping I can copy and paste quotes I love.. 

A good place to start reading (or watching videos) is the amazing Dr Shefali Tsabary. I absolutely love and agree with everything she says.. Her books are so on point and hit the chore of optimistic, authentic parenting.

Here are a few quotes to ponder on--

Our children come running to us seeking solace and comfort. They want to be heard, understood, accepted and supported. To do this would mean we would need to be present, attuned, engaged and receptive – to them. Unfortunately however, when our children come to us seeking our engagement, instead of attuning to them and their needs, we attune to our own. - Dr. Shefali Tsabary

        Once you accept your children’s basic nature, you can contour your style to meet their temperament. To do so means letting go of your fantasies of yourself as a certain kind of parent and instead evolving into the parent you need to be for the particular child in front of you.

Shefali Tsabary, The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children

       To enter into a state of pure connection with your child, you can achieve this by setting aside any sense of superiority.

Shefali Tsabary, The Conscious Parent

When you parent, it’s crucial you realize you aren’t raising a “mini me,” but a spirit throbbing with its own signature. For this reason, it’s important to separate who you are from who each of your children is. Children aren’t ours to possess or own in any way. When we know this in the depths of our soul, we tailor our raising of them to their needs, rather than molding them to fit our needs. The Conscious Parent

       Only when we are responsive to the moment instead of driven by our agenda can we meet our children where they need to be met. When we connect effectively, there’s no drama. We deal with issues for what they are. This maintains the connection that’s the foundation of a child’s healthy development.

Shefali Tsabary, Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... and What Will

       When your child sees you are genuinely interested in interacting with him and not just looking for a way to change him, he’ll begin to open up. But let me warn you, it will take time. You’ll have to build trust one brick at a time. To do this, you can’t let his rejection of you trigger you. See it as part of the process. It will help if you stay in touch with the fact he’s only showing you how he has felt for many years.” Children aren’t naturally closed off. On the contrary, they are open and willing to share themselves as long as it feels safe to do so. Children want us to see their inherent goodness, regardless of their external behavior at a particular moment. They delight in assurance their misbehavior won’t faze us. To accept them unconditionally is what it means to witness our children.

Shefali Tsabary, Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... and What Will

       Because children are essentially good, when we see a child hit, it ought to evoke in us an empathic response such as, “What pain they must be in to feel the need to hit.

Shefali Tsabary, Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... and What Will

When our children frustrate us to the point of no return or behave in an absolutely unconscionable manner our first reaction is to take things very personally. We yell, scream, curse and control. We dominate, punish, threaten and intimidate. We do everything in our power to get our children to toe the line and come under our influence. This is our first mistake: We get our egos involved and take things to an extremely personal place. Once we are activated on this level, it is extremely hard to act with reason and balance.

Instead, we need to realize: Our children are going to mess up whether we like it or not. This is not necessarily a reflection of our ability to parent as much as it is the fact that our children are human and therefore susceptible to major faux pas. Most importantly, their behaviors are a call to us to parent them differently. In essence, their behaviors are a call for us to step off our pedestals of egoic dominance and instead, enter into a state of soulful education.

Containing our children has never been the problem. It is our emotionality that has. Our egos get hooked and we lose our ability to educate for the sake of education. We begin to project all sorts of emotions onto our children that were not theirs to bear, but instead ours to process and heal. It is here that we muddy the waters. If we were able to stay unemotional and simply teach our children the right way to behave, without drama, then we would have mastered the ability to contain our children the conscious way.

 -Dr Shefali Tsabary

optimistic parenting

A month ago I went to an amazing 3-day seminar in Provo called Limitless.  My husband was working long hours at the office that week and I was at the seminar from 8am-9pm.  I was unsure about leaving the kids, but I felt like it was important for me to go and invest in myself.  So I went, trusting that the kids could take care of themselves and still have productive days without me around.  At the end of each night, when I would sneak in around bedtime, I was amazed at what I found.  I returned to a clean house, dinner made and dishes done, happy kids, homework turned in, toys put away, floors swept and mopped... Aaron and I joked around that the kids were better when I was away than when I was home.  At the end of each day, I felt even better about leaving them and by day three I realized something pretty profound.  I wasn't just "blessed" with good kids.  The way that I raise them and the optimism they feel from me has transformed our home.  While at Limitless, I learned about affirmations and goal setting and positive thinking.  There are so many areas of my life that I need to improve, but raising my children is NOT one of those areas.  I've been applying some amazing tools to parenting since the day my kids came into the world and it shows in the way they behave.  On that day, a month ago, I decided I need to coach other parents/moms who feel overwhelmed with their children's behavior.  I've always wanted to write a book about it and I've started.  But I want and need to start coaching now because moms everywhere are going to bed feeling like failures and I can help them!  I can help you!  I've got some awesome clients and I've loved every minute of our sessions so far, with feedback that it's working (which is not surprising, because my tools are practical and fun!)

This coming Monday, March 28th, I am officially launching my coaching sessions and I'm super, super excited about it.  If you want more details, text me!  702-485-0028.  Or shoot me an email at janetleeshumway@gmail.com.  I will be doing classes, videos and personal phone calls to coach you through some of your rough parenting patches.. chores, bedtime and dinner routines, learning, travel, play time, adventure and most of all staying relaxed in a stressful situation.  I am confident I can give you the tools you need to raise confident, happy kids and create order and peace in your home.

Tonight I wanted to give you a quick update on each child, but I've decided to do one child at a time because they are all so unique and shouldn't be clumped together.  If it sounds like I am bragging, its because I want you to picture your success stories.  Your children have such potential to become responsible, fun, helpful people.. When they are encouraged and not lectured or punished.. Tonight I'm going to tell you about Benjamin.

BEN- 14.5 years old.  

How handsome is he?

 Ben is an amazing teenager.  He's a diligent scout, a dedicated teacher in his church quorum and an enthusiastic student.  He's halfway through his high school curriculum.  He works hard in school.  The week before Christmas, he got a box in the mail and he squealed.  He opened a 700 page American History book and he literally could.not.wait to crack it open.  Within 3 weeks, he had read every single page in the book and written papers about what he'd learned.  The History book's thick spine is broken and ripped because he wore it out.  He loved it so much and it shows all over the book!  He's aggressive about learning and I am inspired by him.  This week, his new Biology text book is in the mail... and he's checking everyday to see when it arrives (even though we have a tracking number...)  He's so cute about learning and it makes me more anxious to apply myself in my own educational goals.

this sign totally reminds me of my Ben.

When it comes to helping around the house, Ben is almost perfect.  He gets his jobs done quickly and efficiently.  Last week he came into my bedroom after seminary, so somewhere around 7 am.  He said that he unloaded the dishwasher and then realized his job wasn't dishes.  So then he went down to the laundry room and started a fresh load and then forgot that his job for rotation was actually the Dog and garbage.  He was laughing about it like "Man, I wish I could remember what job was mine."  I thanked him for all the help and then reassured him that his brothers would be happy about his forgetfulness.

this is a sight I often see and it warms my heart.  I love that they are cuddled up in the girls bed.

He's so sweet to read to the younger ones and has particularly taken Simon as his apprentice.  Simon idolizes him in every way and gladly will scrub toilets along side of him.  Ben is the BEST example to all of us.  One of the things I love most about Ben is that when I run errands without him, whether it's to the grocery store or to take the little ones to the library or wherever, when I arrive home and open the garage, Ben stops whatever he is doing and comes outside before I get out of the car.  He is there waiting to see how he can help.  It blows me away every time.  He will ask to carry in a sleeping baby or unload the heavy groceries or grab the mail for me if my hands are full.  He is a dream child and although I've always said he was "born that way" I now realize that it's more than luck.

More on the other kids in the following posts.. Stay tuned! Xoxo.

Love Languages

One of the things I loved most about living in Las Vegas (there is a long list of things I loved most about Vegas) was the book clubs I was fortunate enough to attend.  One of those groups was a COUPLES book club.  It was comprised of some amazing and intriguing couples and I loved being with them and discussing ideas and learning from them.  Since we've moved, I've known I needed to organize a new couples book club and finally, we had our first meeting and discussion last night.

Our evening together was everything I hoped it would be and more.  I am already looking forward to next month...

Last night we discussed The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.  This was supposed to be February's book club discussion #lovemonth, but it's been hard getting schedules worked out, so we moved it to March.  We discussed these languages in our marriages and also applied them to our relationships with our children and I learned so much.  This early Saturday morning (hello 5 am!) I wanted to document the love languages of my family while it's fresh on my mind.

Let's start youngest to oldest.

Eden's very easy to read.  Her love language has always been QUALITY TIME.  She doesn't care what she's doing, she wants to be near you.  She gives her full and undivided attention to whoever she's with.  She gives some serious quality time to all her baby dolls.  She wraps them up, sings to them, feeds them, puts them carefully to sleep.  She isn't clingy or needy.  She just wants to be in the same room.  Since she was born, I've had such a clear understanding that she wants to be close to me and near me.  She has a really hard time going to sleep on her own.  This is one reason I've nursed her for so long, she loves being close to me.  If she falls asleep in my arms or in my bed and I move her to her bed, it breaks her heart.  She will gladly sleep on the couch with kids playing in the same room, she loves the noise because that means people are near.  But the minute she gets left alone or left out of a situation, she's pretty sad.  One of the reasons she gets along so well with everyone is because it's easy to include her.  She won't cause problems or beg for attention, she is just so happy to be near you.  It's so easy to give Eden the quality time she deserves..

Roma is without a doubt a GIFTS girl.  She gives and receives love by wrapping and unwrapping gifts.  This is more difficult for me to understand and relate with because I am not a gifts person.  I don't naturally think in those ways and, for a long time, I saw those who loved material things as shallow people.  Roma has taught me a lot in this area and I now understand that it's just another meaningful way to express your love.  It's still a challenge to take her to the store because she wants to buy everything.  Not just for herself, but for all of her friends and siblings and cousins.  She needs those things to give away!  She is constantly picking out her favorite toys and clothes and accessories to gift.  She's thoughtful about it and I can see that it's just naturally where her thoughts go when she needs attention and how she shows it when she's feeling generous.  Most of her favorite items have already been gifted to her sister, and it's adorable.  She has piles in her room of things to give to people and that works well for us because it means that I can get rid of it. (if she knows its going to someone who wants or needs it, she will gladly give it up and donating items is the love language I speak well.)  It makes her happy to gift and it's pretty easy to please her with a simple gift.  One of my friends recently brought over a big box of girl clothes and shoes and she cannot stop talking about how much she loves all of her new things, "mom, you know your friend that gave me all my stuff?  I like, love her, so much."  One of the items was a big pink purse and she fills it with ALL of her things and carries it everywhere.  It boggles my mind because I hardly take a purse around, I am a very minimal person.  But now I just add my phone and wallet to Roma's purse and she can carry it around everywhere we go.  And that makes us both happy.

Simon is and always has been WORDS OF AFFIRMATION.  This boy was expressing his feelings early.  His speech was always clear and full of emotion.  There is no question about how Simon is doing.  He's usually feeling good because he talks it out.  He is a professional compliment-er.  He dishes out love through language like it's going out of style.  All day long he tells me what a good cook, reader & person I am.  "wow, mom you know to drive the car so good.  I love when you take us places and have fun with us.  You are the most funnest of any person on the planet."  Sometimes it comes across disingenuous because he's constantly complimenting everyone and you wonder if it's sincere.  But he is.  He means it and he appreciates it so much when you give him feedback on his own performance.  The cool thing about Simon (and something that I understand very personally) is that he's constantly giving himself words of affirmation so when you do compliment him, he naturally agrees with it.  It may seem conceited that he agrees with you when you tell him he's amazing, but it's darling and healthy.  He finds power in words and will always coach himself through a tough situation.  During long hikes or difficult chores, you can hear Simon encouraging himself through his words.  And one of my favorite memories EVER was watching him in agony over his broken arm.  He was in so much pain, but instead of crying or passing out, he repeated the same phrase over and over and over, "Never give up.  Never give up.  You are strong, never give up."  When I was there to coach him (verbally) he appreciated it so much and I could see how the words gave him power.  When the nurses tried to distract him with words "what's your favorite movie?" this bothered him so much.  He wanted them to focus on what they were doing and he verbally scolded them for talking about such nonsense.  It was awesome.  Simon is not a needy person whatsoever..  He just wants to talk and be heard, all day, everyday.  Eventually there will be a book titles "Simon Says" because he says so very much.

Zack is the most difficult for me to pinpoint and I think that's because he's a good mixture.  His top two are QUALITY TIME and GIFTS.  But PHYSICAL TOUCH comes in a close third.  Zack does best one-on-one.  He loves getting out of the house with just Mom or Dad.  He's always our errand runner.  If he's struggling completing a chore, it's easy to cheer up his mood by joining him and giving him extra attention.  Zack is fun and social, but Aaron and I joke that he would do well as an only child.   I don't think he shows or receives love by giving gifts, but his things mean SO MUCH to him.  He is a hoarder and has several special places where he stores his things.  He has a harder time parting with items that were given to him because they represent the love he has for the person or experience from where the item came.  If he loses something or misplaces it, tears come.  It's tender and I have grown to be more understanding of how he must feel when he can't find what he's looking for.  I believe physical touch is very important to him as well because during his quality time, he loves to give massages or back scratches and he's good at it!  I constantly tell him he could do it for a living, because he's talented.  While reading scriptures as a family, Zack is quick to figure out a way he can scratch my back or even better, rub my feet! while everyone reads.  He's such a sweetheart and kind of needs love and attention in all of the ways he shows it.

Luke is PHYSICAL TOUCH all the way.  He's a cuddle bug and I love that about him.  As a baby, he would literally mold his body to mine.  I called him my chimpanzee because his legs and arms seemed Velcro-ed around my waist and neck.  I didn't even need to hold on to him because he would not let me let him go.  I have very early images of Luke melting when others would tickle his back and put their arm around him.  I laugh thinking about how much he LOVED getting his hair cut from the time he was only a few months old.  It was so relaxing for him for his head to be touched that he would fall asleep every time.  Even now as I cut my boys' hair, Luke will sit in the chair for as long as I need to take.  I try to do a good job and take my time, and my other boys want to be done as soon as possible.  But Luke won't ever complain.  His body temp is always warm and it's so soothing to snuggle up next to him.  He's quick to climb in bed with me in the mornings and he would prefer that I read stories or tuck him in at night by laying down for a minute and tickling his arm or back.  He doesn't naturally offer hugs or hold hands, but he will never turn it down.  He's a natural with babies because he understands the power of touch and they sense a calmness and security about the way he cares for them.  He and Aaron can get a baby to fall asleep easily and quickly and it's amazing to watch.  Luke is a cuddly teddybear and he's so easy to love.

Ben is ACTS OF SERVICE.  Having my oldest child show love by serving is such a gift.  If Ben thinks I need cheering up, he's finding a way to serve.  He does dishes, mops the kitchen floor, makes my bed, folds laundry, you name it.  Sometimes it's hard for me to return the favors because there's only so many ways I can serve him, you know?  But he's so appreciative when I do.  He sees dinner as an act of service and will be sure to thank me for the time I put into it.  If Aaron asks the kids to do a chore, Ben will waste no time in getting it done.  Often I will ask Ben to take out the trash or grab something for me and to my surprise, he's already done it!  This happens all the time and Ben wonders why I didn't notice it sooner.  I feel bad for him in a way because he's really a servant in our home and is constantly giving of himself.  But it makes him feel good.  He watches for ways he can help everyone (he offers to buy pizza, he loves to babysit while we go out, he helps the others clean their rooms, etc.) and he's happier for it.  Everyone needs a Ben in their life.  He's going to make an incredible husband and father because he lives to serve and help.  So grateful for all that he does for me.

Aaron is kind of a combination too, but his dominant love language is QUALITY TIME.  When Aaron is home, he's home all the way.  He walks through the door and he's all ours.  He plays with the kids whole-heartedly and they feel it.  He gives me all the time I need and more.  He's always been good about taking me out for a weekly date, and recently we've added in a second Wednesday lunch date.  It's so nice to go out with him and connect away from the kids.  We always go to Cafe Rio on Wednesdays because of the tostada special and because it's located in between his office and our home.  But what's amazing about this Wednesday date is that Aaron insists on picking me up and bringing me home.  At first, I was like... why?  Let me meet you there, it's so much more convenient (and I may have errands to run afterward, etc.)  But it's about making the most of our time together and honestly, the drive to and from the restaurant has become my favorite part about Wednesday.  He doesn't usually come in the house to say hi to the kids, but when I arrive, he opens my door, holds my hand on the drive and makes it a real life date.  And when he drops me off at home, I am a new woman.  It's kind of amazing.  The details are important to someone who is a Quality Time lover and it makes me try to go the extra mile when spending time with him.  Cell phones and distractions are a killer for quality time and Aaron is never on his phone when important people are around.  It's so attractive to me that he gives of himself, because that really is the most unselfish way to love.

I am WORDS OF AFFIRMATION, always have been, probably always will be.  Its no surprise that I express my love through words.  Its how I receive it too and sometimes that's hard because mean words cut deep.  I really have a hard time with criticism.  Aaron and I have learned a lot about what the other needs we can laugh about our differences.  Aaron is a man of few words, so his quality time means less words and more attention on the details.  So if the two of us spend hours together and he says very little or in a moment of reflection, gives me criticism, it's hard because that time was all wasted!  But I've grown and he's getting better.  Several years ago, I sent him an email with the subject "Janet's Love Language 101" with a list of simple ways he can express his love verbally to me.  I will resend it to him every so often when I need to hear more out of him.  I am a great communicator and I don't want to have to rehash the same conversation, so this email is just a list of very simple suggestions and I think it helps.  Another joke we have is that when he sees me read old journals, cards or emails that he's sent me, it's a sign that my love tank is low.  It's not a cut to him in any way, but when I need to remember how much he loves me, I will pull out the emails and cards we sent to each other when we were engaged.  Because we didn't live in the same city and we didn't have cell phones, we shared all our feelings over email and those emails are priceless to me.  Just the other day I mentioned that I needed to pull that book out of storage because I haven't unpacked it since our move and Aaron said that he missed seeing that book too!  His life is significantly better when I read from it... Cause our personal love letters are better than any romance novel ever written.

Well it's now 5:28am.  I just wrote all of that in less than 30 minutes and it will probably take at least that long to read through.  I often feel weird about the length of my blog posts and amount of fb updates, but honestly, it just flows out of me, I can't stop it.  It's really how I connect and stay close with all of the people I love.  Last night during the book club discussion, Aaron and I talked about how when we were friends and dating, he didn't believe me when I complimented him because he felt like my words were cheap.  He said LOVE with so much intention and he didn't freely give it.  But in the short time we'd known each other, he saw me throw that word around all the time, so it had less meaning.  But the thing is, I really do love all of the people that I say I do.  I really consider all of my best friends the most wonderful friends in the world and just because they are great in number doesn't mean I love them any less.  We've come to really appreciate and understand the way the other expresses and shows love and it's been so good for our marriage and our family.  Out of all of the people I love, he's at the top of my list and I can show that love by giving him my undivided attention and not try to share it with everyone.  He will never read these words on my blog and that used to make me feel bad, but it's just not important to him to hear it or read my feelings.  He prides himself in the fact that he knows me better and understands me without having to read or hear me talk and  he's 100% correct.  I've learned that it serves us both well to be ourselves and be open to receiving love in a way that's not natural for us because it develops our ability to see others in a new light and love more abundantly.

Have you read the book or the Love Languages for Children?  What is your Love Language?  Since I have each of the types living under my roof, what are some tips you've learned about the way you express and receive love?

xoxo.

Janet